I had myself a little bit of a cry a couple weekends ago. I was sitting in my chair sipping my coffee from a mug I made for myself that has pictures on it of Keri, Garrison and I.
The one in particular that got my tears rolling that morning was the sweet little picture of Garrison and I when we first moved to Oregon in '99. He was 8 and my hair style was from the 80's. Awful!!!
The really sweet part of the picture was how it captured a moment when Garrison was snuggled in real close to me as we hugged and had our picture taken. While I was peering down at that sweet picture of Garrison's little face, a Bread album was playing on our record player. The lyric, I would give anything I own just to have you back again, was bellowing out. These little tears came rolling down my checks as some feelings of sadness stirred in me. I miss that closeness we used to have, that sweet little love a mother shares with her little children. The tenderness and loveiness.
Don't get me wrong though I have no doubt that he loves me and I am certain he knows I love him. The majority of the time I feel like I have handled his growing up and moving away very well.
It is challenging though. I have to work at it. I do think about him every day and I want to post comments on every single thing I see him post on Facebook, but I don't.
Why? Why you ask me! Because I want him to be free to be his own person. I want him to be free to express himself in his way without having his mom comment on every little thing he posts. Right now though, his posts are all I know about him other than the stuff I KNOW about him. He is out there in the world trying to figure out his own shit. He knows where to find me if he needs me.
Is this the right thing to do? I have no idea. He didn't come with a manual and there is no app for that. So, I'm just doing the best I can with my current level of awareness and giving him what I think I would want, and that is space to be and unconditional love.
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