Reliving the details of an event or situation that caused frustration initially,...Does it serve you? That is the ultimate question.
If reliving it serves you, in a manner of assisting clarity to transcend the event or situation, then yes, relive it. Work it through. Process it and change your perspective on reality, but if reliving it only creates more frustration and feelings of dis ease, then for gods sake, stop it!
This is a good question that I will be asking myself in the future. Does this serve me? How am I going to benefit from the retelling of this situation that was so frustrating to me that just talking about it gets me really upset again?
If we find ourselves retelling a story over and over again that created a great deal of stress in the first place we could use it as a reminder to, pause and evaluate for ourselves, is it really worth it?
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Everything's gonna be alright
You know that moment when you are right in the middle of a panic and you can't feel your feet?
It's sorta like your breathing gets to going so rapidly, the circulation to your extremities slows to a point of no feeling. You almost have this feeling that everything is going to be ok, if only this one thing would just work out.
I had this feeling a couple weeks ago at the grocery store. I had recently gotten a new wallet for my purse, so I had reorganized everything in a way that seemed to make sense at the time, but once I was standing in the check out line all that sense went right out the window.
I was frantically looking for my debit card to pay for my groceries and I KNEW that it was in there somewhere, I just could not find it. The panic feeling was not helping me find it, so I took a few deep breaths and told myself, it will be just fine. You know your debit card is in here somewhere. The deep breaths helped me feel my feet again and what do you know I was able to find my debit card.
It was in a place that seemed totally logical. What do you know? I'm not crazy after all. The cashier was totally identifying with me and she was the one that mentioned the feeling of not bring able to feel her feet. It was spot on and as soon as she said that my awareness shifted and that is when I started taking the deep breaths and I calmed down.
It's amazing sometimes how the very simple words of one person can have such a profound affect on someone else and that concept right there is the main reason why I write this blog.
I want people to be aware that they have the power to change their lives. I want people to know that they can choose a more peaceful life. I want people to feel all the love there is to feel around them and more importantly within them. I want people to feel empowered. Don't get me wrong I benefit a great deal from all the writing and introspective work I do for this blog. This blog provides for me a huge sense of empowerment. All the things I write about are really a higher wisdom in myself that I allow to flow through me and I am learning as I am writing. In fact, I am a subscriber to my own blog.
When I write about something, the post usually goes out a few days later and sometimes even as much as a couple weeks later. So, time passes and with experience even just a couple of days worth of experiences my perspective changes. When I get up in the morning, the very first thing I do is, I read my blog. I surprise myself sometimes. I wonder where the hell did that clarity come from and I guess the answer is, from a higher wisdom.
A wisdom that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything is going to be ok, even if for a moment I can't feel my feet. It will all be ok.
It's sorta like your breathing gets to going so rapidly, the circulation to your extremities slows to a point of no feeling. You almost have this feeling that everything is going to be ok, if only this one thing would just work out.
I had this feeling a couple weeks ago at the grocery store. I had recently gotten a new wallet for my purse, so I had reorganized everything in a way that seemed to make sense at the time, but once I was standing in the check out line all that sense went right out the window.
I was frantically looking for my debit card to pay for my groceries and I KNEW that it was in there somewhere, I just could not find it. The panic feeling was not helping me find it, so I took a few deep breaths and told myself, it will be just fine. You know your debit card is in here somewhere. The deep breaths helped me feel my feet again and what do you know I was able to find my debit card.
It was in a place that seemed totally logical. What do you know? I'm not crazy after all. The cashier was totally identifying with me and she was the one that mentioned the feeling of not bring able to feel her feet. It was spot on and as soon as she said that my awareness shifted and that is when I started taking the deep breaths and I calmed down.
It's amazing sometimes how the very simple words of one person can have such a profound affect on someone else and that concept right there is the main reason why I write this blog.
I want people to be aware that they have the power to change their lives. I want people to know that they can choose a more peaceful life. I want people to feel all the love there is to feel around them and more importantly within them. I want people to feel empowered. Don't get me wrong I benefit a great deal from all the writing and introspective work I do for this blog. This blog provides for me a huge sense of empowerment. All the things I write about are really a higher wisdom in myself that I allow to flow through me and I am learning as I am writing. In fact, I am a subscriber to my own blog.
When I write about something, the post usually goes out a few days later and sometimes even as much as a couple weeks later. So, time passes and with experience even just a couple of days worth of experiences my perspective changes. When I get up in the morning, the very first thing I do is, I read my blog. I surprise myself sometimes. I wonder where the hell did that clarity come from and I guess the answer is, from a higher wisdom.
A wisdom that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything is going to be ok, even if for a moment I can't feel my feet. It will all be ok.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Group activity, anyone?
It's a pretty good indication to me that it's time to write when I wake up around dark thirty and I roll over on my side, then on my back, then my other side and then on to my stomach. That's just about the time that I decide to give up on sleep because all that tossing and turning has stirred up ideas of things to write about and at that point my brain won't settle. So, regardless of the ridiculousness of the hour, I roll over one more time and reach for my blogging implement.
The idea that won't settle this morning is based on a memory I had yesterday and I can't remember now what triggered this memory, but I was reflecting back on a time when I was trying to come to terms with my confusing feelings about my sexual preferences. It's interesting to me the events that occurred that opened me up to accepting myself.
I was 22 years old and married to my second husband. I was trying like hell to be straight. Maybe one more husband would straighten me right out. Yeah right, well, it never was that conscious of a decision. It was more like,...honestly, I don't really know what it was like. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. When I was presented with the option to marry I just said yes, not thinking about if I really wanted to marry this man or not. I cried at this wedding the same way I did at my first. Somewhere inside me I knew it wasn't right.
I was very unhappy in that relationship. Things were not going well. He was an alcoholic and his employment was spotty. He was cheating on me. He was miserable and so was I. I spent as many hours as possible with our son away from the house. We had totally different schedules as he worked the night shift and slept all day. It was a volatile situation.
I was desperate for a way out. I felt powerless. His communication style was aggressive, manipulative and belittling. I remember feeling about two feet tall. I resented the FUCK OUT OF HIM and myself. I used to be so frustrated and upset at the whole situation that I would look at myself in the mirror give myself a hateful angry growl as I clenched my fists and shook with rage. To be completely honest, the only thing keeping me alive at that time in my life was my sweet little baby boy. I actually thought, if I kill myself, who would that leave to raise my son? I was going to have to figure something out.
Then something happened that would change my life forever. I was approached to participate in a group activity that could provide an opportunity for me to explore my attraction to women. If you can imagine this, please consider that it literally took me about fifteen minutes just to write that last sentence. No. I'm not kidding. Nervous much? Yes!!!
It's ok, I can be nervous and still proceed. There is a strong and confident part of me that feels it is important to share this and I will tap into that confidence to continue writing.
I said yes to participating in that group activity and the arrangements were made. As I nervously waited for the time to arrive, I had a total change of heart. No, no, no, I don't want to do this and I decided I would ignore the knock on the door. I would just pretend that I was sleeping and I didn't hear the knock. I somehow convinced myself that was going to work. Yep! I'll just sleep right through it.
Knock! Knock! Knock! Wrong! I shot straight up out of bed like a rocket. My heart was racing and there was no way in hell I could ignore it. Little did I know that the moment I opened the door to this experience, that I would be opening the door to the path that would lead me to myself.
I had my first sexual experience with a woman and it was so many things. Confusing, exciting, liberating and terrifying. I loved the way it made me feel like, hey this is who I am. I hated the way it made me feel like, oh my god what the hell is wrong with me.
I decided there was something wrong with me. Being attracted to women for a woman was wrong and I had no evidence to show that it could be anything else, but wrong. In an effort to try and help me process my feelings I joined a 12 step group called Sexaholics Anonymous (SA).
The definition of sobriety was very strict. One was considered sexually sober only when the sex they were having was with their spouse of the opposite gender. Masturbation was even excluded. It was very oppressive. After months of attendance, I decided that was ridiculous. I am certain this group has helped many people with their lives, but it just wasn't for me. I looked into another program very similar, but radically different in that each person wrote their own definition of sobriety. Those Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) meetings helped me to realize that I wasn't actually addicted to sex and that the feelings I was having were COMPLETELY normal and natural because I am a lesbian. Whew! What a relief. Big huge sigh of relief. After 23 years of wrestling with the reality that I was different, I finally came to terms with different is not wrong. Different is just different.
Acceptance of myself, as a lesbian, gave me the confidence to divorce that jack ass and move on. It only took me two years of allowing my true self to BE, as a gay person, to allow the love of my life to arrive. :)
This morning after I began writing this post I rolled over one more time and cuddled up to Keri. I scratched her back and her head and laid there in complete happiness loving on my baby, because I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that these sweet feelings of love that we share are completely natural. It is my sincere heartfelt wish that I every single person alive can grow up having feelings of certainty that love is love, and there ain't a damn thing wrong with that.
The idea that won't settle this morning is based on a memory I had yesterday and I can't remember now what triggered this memory, but I was reflecting back on a time when I was trying to come to terms with my confusing feelings about my sexual preferences. It's interesting to me the events that occurred that opened me up to accepting myself.
I was 22 years old and married to my second husband. I was trying like hell to be straight. Maybe one more husband would straighten me right out. Yeah right, well, it never was that conscious of a decision. It was more like,...honestly, I don't really know what it was like. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. When I was presented with the option to marry I just said yes, not thinking about if I really wanted to marry this man or not. I cried at this wedding the same way I did at my first. Somewhere inside me I knew it wasn't right.
I was very unhappy in that relationship. Things were not going well. He was an alcoholic and his employment was spotty. He was cheating on me. He was miserable and so was I. I spent as many hours as possible with our son away from the house. We had totally different schedules as he worked the night shift and slept all day. It was a volatile situation.
I was desperate for a way out. I felt powerless. His communication style was aggressive, manipulative and belittling. I remember feeling about two feet tall. I resented the FUCK OUT OF HIM and myself. I used to be so frustrated and upset at the whole situation that I would look at myself in the mirror give myself a hateful angry growl as I clenched my fists and shook with rage. To be completely honest, the only thing keeping me alive at that time in my life was my sweet little baby boy. I actually thought, if I kill myself, who would that leave to raise my son? I was going to have to figure something out.
Then something happened that would change my life forever. I was approached to participate in a group activity that could provide an opportunity for me to explore my attraction to women. If you can imagine this, please consider that it literally took me about fifteen minutes just to write that last sentence. No. I'm not kidding. Nervous much? Yes!!!
It's ok, I can be nervous and still proceed. There is a strong and confident part of me that feels it is important to share this and I will tap into that confidence to continue writing.
I said yes to participating in that group activity and the arrangements were made. As I nervously waited for the time to arrive, I had a total change of heart. No, no, no, I don't want to do this and I decided I would ignore the knock on the door. I would just pretend that I was sleeping and I didn't hear the knock. I somehow convinced myself that was going to work. Yep! I'll just sleep right through it.
Knock! Knock! Knock! Wrong! I shot straight up out of bed like a rocket. My heart was racing and there was no way in hell I could ignore it. Little did I know that the moment I opened the door to this experience, that I would be opening the door to the path that would lead me to myself.
I had my first sexual experience with a woman and it was so many things. Confusing, exciting, liberating and terrifying. I loved the way it made me feel like, hey this is who I am. I hated the way it made me feel like, oh my god what the hell is wrong with me.
I decided there was something wrong with me. Being attracted to women for a woman was wrong and I had no evidence to show that it could be anything else, but wrong. In an effort to try and help me process my feelings I joined a 12 step group called Sexaholics Anonymous (SA).
The definition of sobriety was very strict. One was considered sexually sober only when the sex they were having was with their spouse of the opposite gender. Masturbation was even excluded. It was very oppressive. After months of attendance, I decided that was ridiculous. I am certain this group has helped many people with their lives, but it just wasn't for me. I looked into another program very similar, but radically different in that each person wrote their own definition of sobriety. Those Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) meetings helped me to realize that I wasn't actually addicted to sex and that the feelings I was having were COMPLETELY normal and natural because I am a lesbian. Whew! What a relief. Big huge sigh of relief. After 23 years of wrestling with the reality that I was different, I finally came to terms with different is not wrong. Different is just different.
Acceptance of myself, as a lesbian, gave me the confidence to divorce that jack ass and move on. It only took me two years of allowing my true self to BE, as a gay person, to allow the love of my life to arrive. :)
This morning after I began writing this post I rolled over one more time and cuddled up to Keri. I scratched her back and her head and laid there in complete happiness loving on my baby, because I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that these sweet feelings of love that we share are completely natural. It is my sincere heartfelt wish that I every single person alive can grow up having feelings of certainty that love is love, and there ain't a damn thing wrong with that.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Yes, it's true,...
Being a "Pen Freak", yes, I'm an admitted pen freak, the one thing I miss about writing this blog, is the feeling of a good pen in my hand gliding across a blank page. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE WRITING THIS BLOG!!!! I really do!!! But I do miss the smell of ink and the feel of a good medium ball point on a semi-thick stack of good paper. I love the feel of a fountain pen on good cotton paper. In either case, I love the way the paper curls up once I have filled it up with my words of passion. I love the way passion filled paper feels in my hands, as I tap several pages together on the table to straighten them up. If you know this feeling, you are probably a pen freak too.
You know who you are, you find a way to walk down the pen isle at the grocery store, you know right where a "good" paper store is, you claim pens as your own the second you write with them, you write with the pen, if you can, before you buy it, you probably have enough pens to last you two or three lifetimes and you still are on the look out for a good pen, you respect ownership of a good pen and you NEVER just walk off with one you like, BUT you are willing to ask if you can have it. Yes, I know you. You are me.
I have certain pens for certain things. Wow!!! Am I really sharing these details? Yes! Yes, I am. These are the details that make me who I am and if I keep them hidden, then how will I know that I am loved for my WHOLE self? It can be kinda scary, because it feels bare and vulnerable to put your whole self out there. Ok, maybe not this particular detail, but there are details that trigger doubt. What if I'm rejected? Well, fuck it!!! Who wants to be only a little bit themselves? I want to be my whole true self!!!!
Does that mean I have to expose my whole true self? Well, no! UNLESS, my whole true self includes being an exhibitionist. Some things ARE private, but I think it's safe to put it out there that I have a certain type of pen I like to use when I write on post cards to send to my mom. I have a different kind of pen I like to use when I write in my journal, and when I write a check, a different one. Yes, I still write checks, not very much, but I do.
One thing about being a pen freak is I think it's important to keep the art of actual letter writing alive. I love to send cards and letters. I have a ritual that includes placing a wax seal on the outside of the envelope. It makes it feel special to me. Receiving a handwritten letter in the mail these days is a rarity and then to flip over the envelope to open it and find a wax seal,...WOW!!! I hope that when anyone receives something like that from me that they feel special, because that is exactly what I am intending.
I guess it's kinda cool in a way to be a pen freak. A pen freak cares. This is who I am and I will proudly stand here with my freak flag flapping in the breeze to let it be known across the land that #1- I am a pen freak and #2 - I care! Not necessarily in that order.
Do you fly your freak flag? I know you have one, everybody does.
You know who you are, you find a way to walk down the pen isle at the grocery store, you know right where a "good" paper store is, you claim pens as your own the second you write with them, you write with the pen, if you can, before you buy it, you probably have enough pens to last you two or three lifetimes and you still are on the look out for a good pen, you respect ownership of a good pen and you NEVER just walk off with one you like, BUT you are willing to ask if you can have it. Yes, I know you. You are me.
I have certain pens for certain things. Wow!!! Am I really sharing these details? Yes! Yes, I am. These are the details that make me who I am and if I keep them hidden, then how will I know that I am loved for my WHOLE self? It can be kinda scary, because it feels bare and vulnerable to put your whole self out there. Ok, maybe not this particular detail, but there are details that trigger doubt. What if I'm rejected? Well, fuck it!!! Who wants to be only a little bit themselves? I want to be my whole true self!!!!
Does that mean I have to expose my whole true self? Well, no! UNLESS, my whole true self includes being an exhibitionist. Some things ARE private, but I think it's safe to put it out there that I have a certain type of pen I like to use when I write on post cards to send to my mom. I have a different kind of pen I like to use when I write in my journal, and when I write a check, a different one. Yes, I still write checks, not very much, but I do.
One thing about being a pen freak is I think it's important to keep the art of actual letter writing alive. I love to send cards and letters. I have a ritual that includes placing a wax seal on the outside of the envelope. It makes it feel special to me. Receiving a handwritten letter in the mail these days is a rarity and then to flip over the envelope to open it and find a wax seal,...WOW!!! I hope that when anyone receives something like that from me that they feel special, because that is exactly what I am intending.
I guess it's kinda cool in a way to be a pen freak. A pen freak cares. This is who I am and I will proudly stand here with my freak flag flapping in the breeze to let it be known across the land that #1- I am a pen freak and #2 - I care! Not necessarily in that order.
Do you fly your freak flag? I know you have one, everybody does.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Oh, that's why you liked Tootsie so much,...
Jessica Lange, I do believe you were my first movie star crush. I was probably seven years old when my older cousins wanted to go see the movie King Kong, starring, none other than the beautiful, Jessica Lange and that dork Jeff Bridges. No offense Jeff, but this is my seven year old self talking here. We went to the one theater in downtown Ada, Oklahoma. It was a veritable metropolis with its one main street coursing through town.
I had my popcorn and soda in hand and watching the big screen in front of me I found myself having these feelings I never really had before. I was totally entranced when the scene came on where King Kong was blowing Jessica Lange dry after he had held her in his hand under a water fall. Her beautiful blonde hair was blowing back as she closed her eyes and allowed his warm gentle breath to dry her body. Damn!!! That's a pretty vivid memory. Apparently, she made an impression on me.
I can still remember how heart broken I felt as Jessica cried her eyes out at the end when King Kong was shot down from the high rise building. I just wanted to hold her and comfort her. There there, Jessica Lange.
My next exposure to Jessica was in the early eighties when the movie Tootsie came out. What better character to identify with for me than Dorothy Michaels? Dustin Hoffman played Michael Dorsey, an out of work, struggling actor who gets the bright idea to go dressed in drag to an audition for a female character on a soap opera. He names the female version of himself, Dorothy Michaels.
Much to his and everyone else's surprise he gets the part. Dorothy plays a hospital administrator in the facility in which Nurse Julie Charles (Jessica) works. They work together and develop a friendship, that quickly turns into a romantic interest for Dorothy, which is actually Michael. You see how this could really appeal to a very confused young gay girl, who didn't even know what gay was yet. I identified with Dorothy's character on so many levels.
First of all, I was already in love with Jessica and second of all Dorothy was falling in love with Julie, and a seemingly impossible relationship, actually a completely impossible relationship, develops. Have you, as a gay woman ever tried dating a straight girl? It never works out. Well, there are the rare exceptions.
My favorite scene was when Dorothy and Julie were making a cake. Julie was completely clueless to the feelings that were growing in Dorothy's heart. Julie dips her finger into the cake batter and gives Dorothy a taste, right off her finger, all in slow motion. OMG!!! Her dress was flowing as she twirls around the kitchen.
I probably watched that one scene a million times.
Every time I talk about these type of experiences, Keri jokingly says, "and you didn't know you were gay,...?"
The thing is, is back then I had no concept, what so ever of what gay meant or even that the word existed. Like I've said before, there were no gay role models then, at least in my realm of awareness.
I am happy to report that it all worked out and I have never been more happy in my life. I am still learning about myself and growing more and more happy as each day passes. I can honestly say that each day brings me closer and closer to my true self.
I had my popcorn and soda in hand and watching the big screen in front of me I found myself having these feelings I never really had before. I was totally entranced when the scene came on where King Kong was blowing Jessica Lange dry after he had held her in his hand under a water fall. Her beautiful blonde hair was blowing back as she closed her eyes and allowed his warm gentle breath to dry her body. Damn!!! That's a pretty vivid memory. Apparently, she made an impression on me.
I can still remember how heart broken I felt as Jessica cried her eyes out at the end when King Kong was shot down from the high rise building. I just wanted to hold her and comfort her. There there, Jessica Lange.
My next exposure to Jessica was in the early eighties when the movie Tootsie came out. What better character to identify with for me than Dorothy Michaels? Dustin Hoffman played Michael Dorsey, an out of work, struggling actor who gets the bright idea to go dressed in drag to an audition for a female character on a soap opera. He names the female version of himself, Dorothy Michaels.
Much to his and everyone else's surprise he gets the part. Dorothy plays a hospital administrator in the facility in which Nurse Julie Charles (Jessica) works. They work together and develop a friendship, that quickly turns into a romantic interest for Dorothy, which is actually Michael. You see how this could really appeal to a very confused young gay girl, who didn't even know what gay was yet. I identified with Dorothy's character on so many levels.
First of all, I was already in love with Jessica and second of all Dorothy was falling in love with Julie, and a seemingly impossible relationship, actually a completely impossible relationship, develops. Have you, as a gay woman ever tried dating a straight girl? It never works out. Well, there are the rare exceptions.
My favorite scene was when Dorothy and Julie were making a cake. Julie was completely clueless to the feelings that were growing in Dorothy's heart. Julie dips her finger into the cake batter and gives Dorothy a taste, right off her finger, all in slow motion. OMG!!! Her dress was flowing as she twirls around the kitchen.
I probably watched that one scene a million times.
Every time I talk about these type of experiences, Keri jokingly says, "and you didn't know you were gay,...?"
The thing is, is back then I had no concept, what so ever of what gay meant or even that the word existed. Like I've said before, there were no gay role models then, at least in my realm of awareness.
I am happy to report that it all worked out and I have never been more happy in my life. I am still learning about myself and growing more and more happy as each day passes. I can honestly say that each day brings me closer and closer to my true self.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Reach out and grab it!!!
Sometimes you just have to reach out and grab it and claim it as your own. Set aside all the responsibilities and stresses of the day and enjoy that quiet moment you want with yourself on a perfect sunny afternoon. Even if it isn't sunny, you can close your eyes and pretend. Your mind is a very powerful tool. We just need to realize that we have control of our minds. We can stop crazy obsessive thoughts because we have the power to be in control. We just forget sometimes. It takes practice, but it is so worth it.
There is time for a moment or two of perfect peace. It can be so refreshing to put all the worries, stresses and concerns of the day aside for a simple little moment of peace. We live such hurried, gotta get this done, gotta get that done, lives that sometimes we trick ourselves into thinking we don't have time for peace, but if we would just try it for a moment and truly LET IT ALL go, we would probably be amazed what a sense of relief that one or two minutes of peace could provide.
A small sense of relief, just a tiny little shift in awareness can change your whole outlook on life, if only for a brief time. You can always take another moment and reconnect yourself to that sense of relief.
Imagine for a moment that you're going through your day and you experience a few stressful situations that kinda get your blood boiling a bit. This time instead of pushing it down and pushing through, you actually take time to pause. You give yourself a moment to process and come to terms with the source of the stress or get yourself to a place where you can let it go. Imagine how much better you might be able to handle the next thing or even better the next thing doesn't bug you as much.
Try it! The next time something bothers you, before you let your mind carry you off on some wild ride of possibilities take a moment to yourself and say, "I am going to take a deep breath. With this deep breath I will take a pause. With this pause I will create relief" and notice the sense of peace that fills your body.
Be patient with yourself. If this is a new concept for you, it is possible that you won't be a pro at it the first time you try. Treat yourself with kindness and try again. There is no need to pressure yourself.
There is time for a moment or two of perfect peace. It can be so refreshing to put all the worries, stresses and concerns of the day aside for a simple little moment of peace. We live such hurried, gotta get this done, gotta get that done, lives that sometimes we trick ourselves into thinking we don't have time for peace, but if we would just try it for a moment and truly LET IT ALL go, we would probably be amazed what a sense of relief that one or two minutes of peace could provide.
A small sense of relief, just a tiny little shift in awareness can change your whole outlook on life, if only for a brief time. You can always take another moment and reconnect yourself to that sense of relief.
Imagine for a moment that you're going through your day and you experience a few stressful situations that kinda get your blood boiling a bit. This time instead of pushing it down and pushing through, you actually take time to pause. You give yourself a moment to process and come to terms with the source of the stress or get yourself to a place where you can let it go. Imagine how much better you might be able to handle the next thing or even better the next thing doesn't bug you as much.
Try it! The next time something bothers you, before you let your mind carry you off on some wild ride of possibilities take a moment to yourself and say, "I am going to take a deep breath. With this deep breath I will take a pause. With this pause I will create relief" and notice the sense of peace that fills your body.
Be patient with yourself. If this is a new concept for you, it is possible that you won't be a pro at it the first time you try. Treat yourself with kindness and try again. There is no need to pressure yourself.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Test 1
Ignore this post as we're testing the blog site for errors. This post will be deleted. Thanks.
It's nice to know what you like
The very best time to go to the grocery store is a Friday morning at about 7:15. Why? Well, there are less people which equals less stress for the people that work there and that equals more smiles and more assistance. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the people at the grocery store are otherwise grouchy and unavailable, I'm just saying they are less stressed and seem happier in the early morning. Maybe it's me though, maybe I am happier earlier in the morning and it affects my perception. Either way, I don't really care. I just like it when there are less people at the grocery store, it makes for a much easier shopping trip. Plus, the ratio of customers to employees puts you at an advantage when you need help.
I really enjoy knowing what I like.
I really enjoy knowing what I like.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Technical difficulties
Hello my lovely subscribers- I just wanted to let you all know that I am aware that my Wordpress blog has been acting up a little,... I have had a little talk with my baby blog and my blog master and we will be conducting some tests to see if we can isolate the problem. I apologize for the blast of posts as well as the reposting of some of those blast posts.
If you notice anything out of the ordinary, please let me know through comments so we can compile a group of issue to take to Wordpress all at once.
Please be patient while we try to trouble shoot the issue and continue to feel special as you, the subscribers, are getting a sneak peek at what the upcoming posts will be.
If you are reading this and you're not a subscriber, and would like a sneak peek during this rare error phase of Apozitude, sign up now before we figure out what's going on. :)
We gotta spin it towards the positive, right? I mean, that's just my way. ;)
If you notice anything out of the ordinary, please let me know through comments so we can compile a group of issue to take to Wordpress all at once.
Please be patient while we try to trouble shoot the issue and continue to feel special as you, the subscribers, are getting a sneak peek at what the upcoming posts will be.
If you are reading this and you're not a subscriber, and would like a sneak peek during this rare error phase of Apozitude, sign up now before we figure out what's going on. :)
We gotta spin it towards the positive, right? I mean, that's just my way. ;)
Confirmed! She is a planner.
You should see the adorable look on my baby's face when she is watching her birds. She has 3 sometimes 4 bird feeders on or very near our back deck. Keep in mind our back deck is all we have, no yard, just a 6X8 deck. So, 3-4 feeders is bordering on a lot, in my opinion. However, just to see this adorable look on her face I would have twice the feeders out there. Just kidding,... 3-4 feeders do the trick just fine.
She loves to see all the different kinds of birds eating the seed and suet cakes she puts out. She puts out fresh water in the bird bath and talks to the birds to let them know it is safe for them to approach. She loves the chickadees and the bush tits. We get flickers, scrub jays, stellar jays, mourning doves, finches, juncos, woodpeckers, sparrows, humming birds, chickadees and bush tits. Oh yeah, and we get a shit ton of squirrels too.
The glimmer of light that flashes in her eye when she is watching them is so cute. I don't even have words to describe how my heart swells when I see the joy on her face to be taking care of the birds. You know you truly love someone when watching them enjoy something this simple fills you up with an overwhelming sense of fulfillment.
Keri started "birding" several years ago in an attempt to establish a hobby for her retirement years and her maternal grandparents were birders. If this doesn't give you insight as to what kind of planner Keri is, I'm not sure what will. She's been birding for 10-11 years, she is just now 43. I think her retirement hobby is pretty well established.
By the way, I was supposed to learn about trees, so we could walk and look at birds and tress. Oops!!! I guess I'll just work on my blog. :)
She loves to see all the different kinds of birds eating the seed and suet cakes she puts out. She puts out fresh water in the bird bath and talks to the birds to let them know it is safe for them to approach. She loves the chickadees and the bush tits. We get flickers, scrub jays, stellar jays, mourning doves, finches, juncos, woodpeckers, sparrows, humming birds, chickadees and bush tits. Oh yeah, and we get a shit ton of squirrels too.
The glimmer of light that flashes in her eye when she is watching them is so cute. I don't even have words to describe how my heart swells when I see the joy on her face to be taking care of the birds. You know you truly love someone when watching them enjoy something this simple fills you up with an overwhelming sense of fulfillment.
Keri started "birding" several years ago in an attempt to establish a hobby for her retirement years and her maternal grandparents were birders. If this doesn't give you insight as to what kind of planner Keri is, I'm not sure what will. She's been birding for 10-11 years, she is just now 43. I think her retirement hobby is pretty well established.
By the way, I was supposed to learn about trees, so we could walk and look at birds and tress. Oops!!! I guess I'll just work on my blog. :)
Monday, October 21, 2013
I just can't hide it,...
I am so excited I just can not take it anymore. So, here it goes.
The other day I posted this comment on my Facebook: hmmm,... I think it's time to buy a dress. If you asked "a dress or THE dress" good intuition!!! (Winky face)
It's hard not to just jump right in and blurt it all out, but I really want you to get a feel for what actually went down. So, I'll start at, kinda, the beginning.
Last week I received a letter from our beloved IRS notifying me that I, Angel Zamudio, owed them about $2000, because I claimed the interest on our house in 2011 and they didn't have any documentation to support that claim, therefore, I owe them money, in their opinion.
My name, as well as Keri's name, is on the mortgage and always has been. We have alternated who claims the interest on the house before and it wasn't a problem. We always file separate and single because, although we have raised a son together, have had joint checking and savings accounts for 18 years, bought and paid for, in full, a couple cars, opened a new business and sold it for a profit and adopted a very handsome golden retriever, ALL TOGETHER, mind you, we are not able to marry one another in our home state of Oregon! Bull shit!!! Yes! I know!
Well, don't you worry your pretty little heads one bit about this because we have supporting documentation to substantiate my claim and a letter to the IRS including that information is already on it way! So there! Hmph!
Here's where it gets exciting. Once I notified Keri, via text, that all the documents had been signed, dated, copied and mailed, she shot back a question. Hey, how do you feel about taking a little jaunt up to Washington state and making this thing legal? My heart started pounding. I made a little squeal and shook my open hands around in utter delight. I responded, Are you asking me to marry you? As I waited for her to respond and because I knew that's exactly what she was doing, I was already typing my response, YES! A thousand times yes!
The excitement totally blew me away. Here is my baby, such the planner that she is, spontaneously purposing that we run off and get married. I couldn't believe it!!! Ohhh the excitement!!! When? Are we talkin' Vantucky? (Vantucky is what we jokingly call Vancouver.) No! Not Vancouver, SEATTLE!!! Whoop whoop!!!
Hold it now!!! Wait one stinkin' minute!!! What about the wedding we were planning in 2015? All the fun, party, family and friends, singing, dancing and all that stuff? What about that stuff? She knows I would not just give up on all that dreamy stuff a girl loves! Nope! She said we'll still do that, this is just a technicality, so we can start getting the benefits of a married couple.
I am so excited to be excited about getting married!!! I guess the third time IS a charm. More on that later. The totally awesome thing about it, besides all the other totally awesome things about it, is that on October 17th the Human Rights Campaign posted a comment of their blog announcing that "Oregon will now recognize all out-of-state marriages, including those of same-sex couples". Woo hoo!!!!
[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="224"]
License in the mail, after 18 years, better late than never.[/caption]
So, you can see now why I'm so excited. I will legally be married to the woman I have lived my life with, grown with, loved with, vacationed with, planned retirement with, raised a son with, bought a house with, trained and raise a handsome golden retriever with, cried and laughed with, supported each other through loss, developed our family, cultivated friendships and all the other things a married couple would do together. We have done those things and now, NOW we will be a legally married couple. Tears of joy roll down my face as this next thought popped into my mind. I can finally check the married box. It may seem silly to some, but I have been begrudgingly checking that single box for the last 18 years and it is monumental to me to have this basic right.
Wife and wife.
The other day I posted this comment on my Facebook: hmmm,... I think it's time to buy a dress. If you asked "a dress or THE dress" good intuition!!! (Winky face)
It's hard not to just jump right in and blurt it all out, but I really want you to get a feel for what actually went down. So, I'll start at, kinda, the beginning.
Last week I received a letter from our beloved IRS notifying me that I, Angel Zamudio, owed them about $2000, because I claimed the interest on our house in 2011 and they didn't have any documentation to support that claim, therefore, I owe them money, in their opinion.
My name, as well as Keri's name, is on the mortgage and always has been. We have alternated who claims the interest on the house before and it wasn't a problem. We always file separate and single because, although we have raised a son together, have had joint checking and savings accounts for 18 years, bought and paid for, in full, a couple cars, opened a new business and sold it for a profit and adopted a very handsome golden retriever, ALL TOGETHER, mind you, we are not able to marry one another in our home state of Oregon! Bull shit!!! Yes! I know!
Well, don't you worry your pretty little heads one bit about this because we have supporting documentation to substantiate my claim and a letter to the IRS including that information is already on it way! So there! Hmph!
Here's where it gets exciting. Once I notified Keri, via text, that all the documents had been signed, dated, copied and mailed, she shot back a question. Hey, how do you feel about taking a little jaunt up to Washington state and making this thing legal? My heart started pounding. I made a little squeal and shook my open hands around in utter delight. I responded, Are you asking me to marry you? As I waited for her to respond and because I knew that's exactly what she was doing, I was already typing my response, YES! A thousand times yes!
The excitement totally blew me away. Here is my baby, such the planner that she is, spontaneously purposing that we run off and get married. I couldn't believe it!!! Ohhh the excitement!!! When? Are we talkin' Vantucky? (Vantucky is what we jokingly call Vancouver.) No! Not Vancouver, SEATTLE!!! Whoop whoop!!!
Hold it now!!! Wait one stinkin' minute!!! What about the wedding we were planning in 2015? All the fun, party, family and friends, singing, dancing and all that stuff? What about that stuff? She knows I would not just give up on all that dreamy stuff a girl loves! Nope! She said we'll still do that, this is just a technicality, so we can start getting the benefits of a married couple.
I am so excited to be excited about getting married!!! I guess the third time IS a charm. More on that later. The totally awesome thing about it, besides all the other totally awesome things about it, is that on October 17th the Human Rights Campaign posted a comment of their blog announcing that "Oregon will now recognize all out-of-state marriages, including those of same-sex couples". Woo hoo!!!!
[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="224"]
License in the mail, after 18 years, better late than never.[/caption]So, you can see now why I'm so excited. I will legally be married to the woman I have lived my life with, grown with, loved with, vacationed with, planned retirement with, raised a son with, bought a house with, trained and raise a handsome golden retriever with, cried and laughed with, supported each other through loss, developed our family, cultivated friendships and all the other things a married couple would do together. We have done those things and now, NOW we will be a legally married couple. Tears of joy roll down my face as this next thought popped into my mind. I can finally check the married box. It may seem silly to some, but I have been begrudgingly checking that single box for the last 18 years and it is monumental to me to have this basic right.
Wife and wife.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Makeup land vs candy land
Ok, I practiced putting makeup on today. Can't say I'm digging the mascara so much, it reminds me of that super shiny sticky lip gloss that I hate so much. Every time my eyes blink, my eyelashes stick together. I am hopeful that there are other kinds of mascara that aren't so sticky. However, I'm not opposed to baggin' the mascara all together. I think I prefer eyeshadow anyway. I just don't know all the rules of makeup land,...I wish it were as easy as candy land.
Can you wear eyeshadow without mascara? Shut up!!! I know it is possible, I'm wondering more about if it's acceptable? Quit giving me shit! I know with makeup you can pretty much do whatever, but I'm new to this makeup game. I want the basic rules and I'll branch out later when I become more comfortable, maybe even next week.
I'm pretty comfortable with lipstick, powder and blush, but eyeshadow,... Eyeshadow makes me a little bit nervous. I'm pretty sure I can do it and surprisingly I do still have some makeup brushes from who knows when,...but I'm getting kinda excited about getting some eye shadow.
It wasn't that long ago that I was a little nervous about toe polish. Now I've got some of my own and I am ready for more. I definitely want to get a pedicure, that would be so much easier.
It feels kinda like I'm at least ankle deep in the girl water by now. Who knew I would acclimate to these waters so well? I almost feel a little bit like a mermaid. That's pretty awesome too, because I can remember when I was pretty little thinking, as I was loving the peace of being under water, that I wanted to be a mermaid when I grew up.
Can you wear eyeshadow without mascara? Shut up!!! I know it is possible, I'm wondering more about if it's acceptable? Quit giving me shit! I know with makeup you can pretty much do whatever, but I'm new to this makeup game. I want the basic rules and I'll branch out later when I become more comfortable, maybe even next week.
I'm pretty comfortable with lipstick, powder and blush, but eyeshadow,... Eyeshadow makes me a little bit nervous. I'm pretty sure I can do it and surprisingly I do still have some makeup brushes from who knows when,...but I'm getting kinda excited about getting some eye shadow.
It wasn't that long ago that I was a little nervous about toe polish. Now I've got some of my own and I am ready for more. I definitely want to get a pedicure, that would be so much easier.
It feels kinda like I'm at least ankle deep in the girl water by now. Who knew I would acclimate to these waters so well? I almost feel a little bit like a mermaid. That's pretty awesome too, because I can remember when I was pretty little thinking, as I was loving the peace of being under water, that I wanted to be a mermaid when I grew up.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Blue doesn't care,...
I have very recently rediscovered that I am a VERY sensitive person. I have always known that about myself, but I just experienced a shift in my reality that clarified for me that my sensitivity can be debilitating if I allow it to be.
Sometimes when I listen to people talk about horrible things that go on in their lives, I can feel my body changing and actually taking on the stress of the person talking. This is exactly why I don't watch the news. My chest gets tight, my breath becomes shallow, my shoulders and jaw tense up and depending on the intensity of the stress in the other person I can totally zone out. If I am able to interject some thoughts that shed some light on the situation I can continue to listen and try to help. In some cases though, I have to excuse myself for my own sense of self preservation.
My sensitivity can also be very helpful, as it can get me in tune real quick to others energies. Sometimes before even a word is spoken, I can have an awareness that something is going on. Sometimes I'm off base in my perception regarding the cause of the energy shift, but I'm usually right about the shift.
What I need to realize is that I do not always need to help. Sometimes all the help I need to be is a sounding board. I can lovingly listen and allow space for someone to process their feelings regarding their situation. Just providing space for someone to safely verbalized their process can be all the help they need to break through to the other side.
Ultimately, though we all know that we can not truly help someone unless they are ready to receive help. If someone is not in the right space to hear our words of clarity it will only sound like hogwash or as they say fall on deaf ears. It can feel like a TOTAL waste of time because most of the time we feel very passionate about our words of clarity. When we adamantly express our words of clarity and it falls on deaf ears it can totally drain us. It is our passion that drains us because we are giving it away and really we should be keeping it to ourselves.
If we put all the passion we use towards trying to convince someone else of our truth and put it towards our own sense of peace, regardless of what anyone else thinks,...geez!!! Imagine how peaceful we would be. It really does not matter if someone else understands our concept of clarity. Someone else understanding our truth and clarity does not make our truth and clarity anymore true or clear. So, in an effort to save ourselves from banging our heads against a wall in continued frustration we have to let go of the notion that, "you understanding me makes me clearer". It simply is not true. Blue does not care if someone thinks blue is red, pink, or selfish and stubborn. Blue knows that blue is blue. It is very simple for blue though, because blue does not have feelings, but if we want to grow and change we can not allow our feelings to be our stumbling block.
We can choose to use our feelings and our sensitivities to assist us in our growth by being aware and accepting. Radical acceptance is the path to peace.
Sometimes when I listen to people talk about horrible things that go on in their lives, I can feel my body changing and actually taking on the stress of the person talking. This is exactly why I don't watch the news. My chest gets tight, my breath becomes shallow, my shoulders and jaw tense up and depending on the intensity of the stress in the other person I can totally zone out. If I am able to interject some thoughts that shed some light on the situation I can continue to listen and try to help. In some cases though, I have to excuse myself for my own sense of self preservation.
My sensitivity can also be very helpful, as it can get me in tune real quick to others energies. Sometimes before even a word is spoken, I can have an awareness that something is going on. Sometimes I'm off base in my perception regarding the cause of the energy shift, but I'm usually right about the shift.
What I need to realize is that I do not always need to help. Sometimes all the help I need to be is a sounding board. I can lovingly listen and allow space for someone to process their feelings regarding their situation. Just providing space for someone to safely verbalized their process can be all the help they need to break through to the other side.
Ultimately, though we all know that we can not truly help someone unless they are ready to receive help. If someone is not in the right space to hear our words of clarity it will only sound like hogwash or as they say fall on deaf ears. It can feel like a TOTAL waste of time because most of the time we feel very passionate about our words of clarity. When we adamantly express our words of clarity and it falls on deaf ears it can totally drain us. It is our passion that drains us because we are giving it away and really we should be keeping it to ourselves.
If we put all the passion we use towards trying to convince someone else of our truth and put it towards our own sense of peace, regardless of what anyone else thinks,...geez!!! Imagine how peaceful we would be. It really does not matter if someone else understands our concept of clarity. Someone else understanding our truth and clarity does not make our truth and clarity anymore true or clear. So, in an effort to save ourselves from banging our heads against a wall in continued frustration we have to let go of the notion that, "you understanding me makes me clearer". It simply is not true. Blue does not care if someone thinks blue is red, pink, or selfish and stubborn. Blue knows that blue is blue. It is very simple for blue though, because blue does not have feelings, but if we want to grow and change we can not allow our feelings to be our stumbling block.
We can choose to use our feelings and our sensitivities to assist us in our growth by being aware and accepting. Radical acceptance is the path to peace.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Girl water turns out to be an Ocean
I am having so much fun discovering my girlie side. It is pretty exciting to be finding out new things about myself, such as, liking to have my toe nails painted and enjoying wearing clothes that accentuate my fit body.
I am dipping my toe deeper into the girl water. I have tried on makeup a couple times now. The first time it was someone else's make up and the most recent time was at a salon in hopes of getting some idea of what I want to get for myself. I don't really know how to explain it, it just feels good to do these little enhancements. Yes, I have worn make up in the past, but I don't remember wearing it for me.
I was wearing make up and dressing girlie, or what seemed girlie to me at the time, when I was in my teens and early twenties, but that was when I had no idea who I was and I was trying like hell to be like all the other girls. It was so uncomfortable. I can't say that I didn't enjoy people giving me compliments when I wore makeup and dressed pretty. It was very nice to be told I was pretty, but I didn't FEEL what they saw, because I was being so untrue to myself.
I look back on pictures of myself back then, like my first wedding pictures and I feel sad for that very lost person. I was going through the motions of a happy getting married young woman, but I was crying on the inside and it even spilled out into my reality a little bit. I cried as I walked down the isle with my dad. What else was I to do walking down the isle of my wedding that had a couple hundred people attending? I pretended I was overcome with emotion, which was true, it just wasn't the emotion everyone thought it was.
So you see, all of my girlie experiences in the past have been for someone else, really everyone else but me. But NOW!!!! Now I am doing it for me and it feels so good to be a woman in love with a woman and looking more and more like a woman. I like feeling my hair as I style it in the morning and through the day. I like looking at myself and seeing that pretty girl that those people saw all those years ago.
I like who I have become and I am having fun developing into a happier me. I am very lucky to have a supportive partner that wants me to be truly happy and has in her funny little way been encouraging me to "whore it up" and even on one occasion said, "you don't wear near enough of that,...". I am very lucky to have girlie friends that help me navigate the overwhelming options of the girl water, that turns out is really more like an ocean. If it weren't for these girlie friends of mine I might just be adrift at sea in complete bewilderment. I mean there are sooooo many things to choose from: colors of polish, makeup, different ways to wear makeup, body glitter, dress styles, special bras for certain types of shirts and dresses, hair styles, hair pretties, accessories, like jackets, scarves, and hats. Then there are the shoes. Oh the shoes!!!!
I love love love the shoes. As little Lexi would say, We are having so much fun!!!
I am dipping my toe deeper into the girl water. I have tried on makeup a couple times now. The first time it was someone else's make up and the most recent time was at a salon in hopes of getting some idea of what I want to get for myself. I don't really know how to explain it, it just feels good to do these little enhancements. Yes, I have worn make up in the past, but I don't remember wearing it for me.
I was wearing make up and dressing girlie, or what seemed girlie to me at the time, when I was in my teens and early twenties, but that was when I had no idea who I was and I was trying like hell to be like all the other girls. It was so uncomfortable. I can't say that I didn't enjoy people giving me compliments when I wore makeup and dressed pretty. It was very nice to be told I was pretty, but I didn't FEEL what they saw, because I was being so untrue to myself.
I look back on pictures of myself back then, like my first wedding pictures and I feel sad for that very lost person. I was going through the motions of a happy getting married young woman, but I was crying on the inside and it even spilled out into my reality a little bit. I cried as I walked down the isle with my dad. What else was I to do walking down the isle of my wedding that had a couple hundred people attending? I pretended I was overcome with emotion, which was true, it just wasn't the emotion everyone thought it was.
So you see, all of my girlie experiences in the past have been for someone else, really everyone else but me. But NOW!!!! Now I am doing it for me and it feels so good to be a woman in love with a woman and looking more and more like a woman. I like feeling my hair as I style it in the morning and through the day. I like looking at myself and seeing that pretty girl that those people saw all those years ago.
I like who I have become and I am having fun developing into a happier me. I am very lucky to have a supportive partner that wants me to be truly happy and has in her funny little way been encouraging me to "whore it up" and even on one occasion said, "you don't wear near enough of that,...". I am very lucky to have girlie friends that help me navigate the overwhelming options of the girl water, that turns out is really more like an ocean. If it weren't for these girlie friends of mine I might just be adrift at sea in complete bewilderment. I mean there are sooooo many things to choose from: colors of polish, makeup, different ways to wear makeup, body glitter, dress styles, special bras for certain types of shirts and dresses, hair styles, hair pretties, accessories, like jackets, scarves, and hats. Then there are the shoes. Oh the shoes!!!!
I love love love the shoes. As little Lexi would say, We are having so much fun!!!
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Pretty damn good advice
Why do self defeating thoughts permeate my mind? I doubt sometimes, that I am good enough. I have wondered if my work ethic is strong enough and what kind of friend am I? I've doubted the quality of my parenting and whether or not I am a good partner. I know I am loved and I know that I try to do what I think is "right" in any given moment, but somehow these negative thoughts continue to run through my mind.
So, if I know that I am loved and I know that I am always trying my best, why am I so hard on myself? Why are any of us so damned hard on ourselves? Why do we have these irrational self deprecating thoughts? Well, I'll tell you, I do not know the answer to that question. What I do know is, that old thoughts can be replaced by new ones and with practice we can change these negative thoughts into ones of positive empowerment. Therefore, I am committing myself right here and right now to a vow.
Henceforth, I vow to allow my self-defeating thoughts to serve as a reminder to myself that I am doing my best and my best will not always be the same because there will always be variables, but the fact is that I will be doing my best. I will be patient, loving, and encouraging with myself. I will recommit myself to this vow as often as needed. I will treat myself as well as I treat others. I will take my own advice. Advice, that I've been told is pretty damn good.
I am a good friend. I'm a damn good friend and a damn good partner too. So, I intend to be as good to myself as I am to others. It's only fair that I be a damn good self to myself.
Imagine, if it is true (and it is) that the main thing holding us back from the very next amazing thing is the self imposed limit that we create for ourselves right in our very own minds. Amazing!!! Right? You mean I can change my mind and change my reality? Yes! That is exactly what I am saying it you. And yes, I am saying it to me too, because as the saying goes, whether you think you can or can not, you are right.
So, if I know that I am loved and I know that I am always trying my best, why am I so hard on myself? Why are any of us so damned hard on ourselves? Why do we have these irrational self deprecating thoughts? Well, I'll tell you, I do not know the answer to that question. What I do know is, that old thoughts can be replaced by new ones and with practice we can change these negative thoughts into ones of positive empowerment. Therefore, I am committing myself right here and right now to a vow.
Henceforth, I vow to allow my self-defeating thoughts to serve as a reminder to myself that I am doing my best and my best will not always be the same because there will always be variables, but the fact is that I will be doing my best. I will be patient, loving, and encouraging with myself. I will recommit myself to this vow as often as needed. I will treat myself as well as I treat others. I will take my own advice. Advice, that I've been told is pretty damn good.
I am a good friend. I'm a damn good friend and a damn good partner too. So, I intend to be as good to myself as I am to others. It's only fair that I be a damn good self to myself.
Imagine, if it is true (and it is) that the main thing holding us back from the very next amazing thing is the self imposed limit that we create for ourselves right in our very own minds. Amazing!!! Right? You mean I can change my mind and change my reality? Yes! That is exactly what I am saying it you. And yes, I am saying it to me too, because as the saying goes, whether you think you can or can not, you are right.
Monday, October 14, 2013
The Goodnesses
Last week I had the privilege of spending some time with two of my favorite girls. They are so adorable that when their momma shows pictures of them, people say, "Oh, my goodness". It started right off the bat with her oldest one (Lexi), so she started calling her "My goodness". Then when her youngest (Taylor) came along, "My goodness junior" quickly caught on, along with other cute names of endearment.
Why am I telling you this? I want you to know how they came to be known to me as, "The Goodnesses". I love these sweet little baby girls. When I get to spend time with them it fills my soul with love and light.
I love to watch them try to figure things out. I purposely wore a particular bracelet that I knew would catch Lexi's eye. Sure enough she asked me about it. I told her, I thought you might ask me about this bracelet, would you like to wear it? She said yes and wanted to do it herself. She fiddled with it for a bit and pretty quickly figured it out. She walked around with it on pretending to go to the store, make some dinner, feed Taylor and I, but made us wait for dessert and put us down for "go to bed". I had a great time. Lexi even said it while we were playing, we're having so much fun.
I love to see their facial expressions change as their awareness of something new is presented. I took my kombucha drink with me and was drinking it while walking around the kitchen with Taylor on my hip. This baby is a foodie, she loves to eat, so as I was sipping my drink she was giving me this frowning look like, why aren't you sharing that with me? It was so cute. I didn't know if babies could drink kombucha or not, so I checked the label. There were no warnings about breast feeding mothers or keeping away from babies, so I poured a tiny bit into the cap and let her try it. If you have tried kombucha, then you probably like me, expected a sour look of rejection on her face, but she liked it! She kept reaching for it and giving me that little "I want some more" grunt. So we poured a little in a cup for her and she drank it.
I love the way Lexi brings a book over to me when I'm sitting on the floor and she backs up to me and plops her cute little butt right in my lap. I love how sweet their little bodies feel when I hold them and give them kisses.
Baby Taylor got kinda sleepy and laid in my arms in her jams while she was drinking her, "baa". She was letting me rub her sweet little round belly and resting her head up against my cheek. I was giving her little kisses on her head and in her hair. It was such a sweet tender moment.
Their momma (Shanna) came home and we visited for a little bit and she thanked me for watching her girls. She really did appreciate the time, but I don't know if she realizes how much this dose of goodness benefited me. So, thank you Shanna for letting me spend time with your precious little ones.
Why am I telling you this? I want you to know how they came to be known to me as, "The Goodnesses". I love these sweet little baby girls. When I get to spend time with them it fills my soul with love and light.
I love to watch them try to figure things out. I purposely wore a particular bracelet that I knew would catch Lexi's eye. Sure enough she asked me about it. I told her, I thought you might ask me about this bracelet, would you like to wear it? She said yes and wanted to do it herself. She fiddled with it for a bit and pretty quickly figured it out. She walked around with it on pretending to go to the store, make some dinner, feed Taylor and I, but made us wait for dessert and put us down for "go to bed". I had a great time. Lexi even said it while we were playing, we're having so much fun.
I love to see their facial expressions change as their awareness of something new is presented. I took my kombucha drink with me and was drinking it while walking around the kitchen with Taylor on my hip. This baby is a foodie, she loves to eat, so as I was sipping my drink she was giving me this frowning look like, why aren't you sharing that with me? It was so cute. I didn't know if babies could drink kombucha or not, so I checked the label. There were no warnings about breast feeding mothers or keeping away from babies, so I poured a tiny bit into the cap and let her try it. If you have tried kombucha, then you probably like me, expected a sour look of rejection on her face, but she liked it! She kept reaching for it and giving me that little "I want some more" grunt. So we poured a little in a cup for her and she drank it.
I love the way Lexi brings a book over to me when I'm sitting on the floor and she backs up to me and plops her cute little butt right in my lap. I love how sweet their little bodies feel when I hold them and give them kisses.
Baby Taylor got kinda sleepy and laid in my arms in her jams while she was drinking her, "baa". She was letting me rub her sweet little round belly and resting her head up against my cheek. I was giving her little kisses on her head and in her hair. It was such a sweet tender moment.
Their momma (Shanna) came home and we visited for a little bit and she thanked me for watching her girls. She really did appreciate the time, but I don't know if she realizes how much this dose of goodness benefited me. So, thank you Shanna for letting me spend time with your precious little ones.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Control, alt., delete
Sometimes I just wish I were a computer. Yes, wouldn't it be nice to just take a command, execute a task and deliver results with zero emotion. I would have alerts pop up on my forehead when I needed upgrades or changes and if those were not met, I would just, shut down.
As a computer it would be so easy to say, I can't handle any more tasks, without the required upgrade. You must respond to my request and I simply do not care if you do or not. I will be happy to work or play with you once, you have met my request, but until then I will just sit here cold, dead and uncaring. You will be required to take action right now to make the appropriate changes, if you want to continue to work or play together.
Then when you decided to push me further and I can not possibly handle any more shit, I'd just throw a blue screen of death at you.
Nope! I'm done! Don't care what important thing you are trying to accomplish, figure out another way to do it, because I am done taking commands from you.
Oh, you wanna try to reboot? I'm sorry, here, look at my screen,.... My little refresh thingy is spinning and I know you are hopeful,... Waiting,... Holding your breath,... But,... nope! Fuck you! I'm a computer and I do not care about that thing you need to accomplish. I am not listening, I am not caring and I am not helping because I. am. done!!!! See? Blue screen of death! No guilt, no worry, no fear. Just one agreement, as long as you meet my requests for upgrades and maintenance, I will gladly preform the task you request.
I was just about to apologize, but, No!!! I'm not sorry this result is not what you wanted because I am a computer and I don't care.
Buuuut,....we all know I'm not really a computer and I do care. In fact I love you very much, however it is your behavior and your communication style that I do not care for and I choose to live a stress free life. Therefore, it is my choice to draw a boundary and I have every right to expect my boundaries to be respected. Just as you have every right to the boundaries you establish in your life.
This is my life. That is your life. I choose peace and health. If you do not choose peace and health, do not blame me for not being able to work or play together.
I have stated the required update and that is all there is to it. I will always love you and I will be right here when you are ready to meet my expectations. Please just know that I have these expectations of you because I love you and I want an upgrade for you. You deserve better than the current operating system you are working with, but you have to want the upgrade bad enough for yourself to actually do what it takes to get the install.
As a computer it would be so easy to say, I can't handle any more tasks, without the required upgrade. You must respond to my request and I simply do not care if you do or not. I will be happy to work or play with you once, you have met my request, but until then I will just sit here cold, dead and uncaring. You will be required to take action right now to make the appropriate changes, if you want to continue to work or play together.
Then when you decided to push me further and I can not possibly handle any more shit, I'd just throw a blue screen of death at you.
Nope! I'm done! Don't care what important thing you are trying to accomplish, figure out another way to do it, because I am done taking commands from you.
Oh, you wanna try to reboot? I'm sorry, here, look at my screen,.... My little refresh thingy is spinning and I know you are hopeful,... Waiting,... Holding your breath,... But,... nope! Fuck you! I'm a computer and I do not care about that thing you need to accomplish. I am not listening, I am not caring and I am not helping because I. am. done!!!! See? Blue screen of death! No guilt, no worry, no fear. Just one agreement, as long as you meet my requests for upgrades and maintenance, I will gladly preform the task you request.
I was just about to apologize, but, No!!! I'm not sorry this result is not what you wanted because I am a computer and I don't care.
Buuuut,....we all know I'm not really a computer and I do care. In fact I love you very much, however it is your behavior and your communication style that I do not care for and I choose to live a stress free life. Therefore, it is my choice to draw a boundary and I have every right to expect my boundaries to be respected. Just as you have every right to the boundaries you establish in your life.
This is my life. That is your life. I choose peace and health. If you do not choose peace and health, do not blame me for not being able to work or play together.
I have stated the required update and that is all there is to it. I will always love you and I will be right here when you are ready to meet my expectations. Please just know that I have these expectations of you because I love you and I want an upgrade for you. You deserve better than the current operating system you are working with, but you have to want the upgrade bad enough for yourself to actually do what it takes to get the install.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Regift the good stuff
You just never know when the next wonderful experience is going to be, so put a smile on your face, as if that next wonderful thing is about to happen any given second. You wouldn't want to greet your wonderful experience with a look of stress or worry on your face, would you?
There's a saying that goes something like this, Some friends come and go like a flash, some friends are in your life for a season, some for a reason and some are for a lifetime. I want to greet every one of those friends with a smile.
I very briefly met a woman the other day on a walk to the beach with Keri and Waffles, our golden retriever. The woman was walking towards us and fell in love with Waffles immediately, but who wouldn't.
When I introduced him to her she got a big'ol smile on her face. Then after a slight pause she commented on how wonderful his name was, she said his name again "Waffles" and said, "you can't even say his name without smiling,...Waffles. See? Say it,...Waffles" It was kinda like Waffles was her dog and she was explaining to us how pleased she was with the name she decided to give him.
She thanked us for stopping and letting her pet our sweet boy. As we parted ways I said, "Have a wonderful day". She spun around to respond and said, "Have a lifetime of them".
I am so glad I was smiling when she was approaching us. I thought that chance meeting was completely delightful and I decided in that moment that I was going to regift that experience to someone else.
In the next day or so, Keri, Waffles and I walked down to the coffee shop right around the corner to get some coffee before walking down to the beach. Here's my chance I thought. As we were leaving the clerk said, "Have a wonderful day" and I spun around and said, "Have a lifetime of them", it felt so good.
Then in perfect Keri form as we were walking away from the coffee shop, Keri said, "you stole that from that crazy lady".
Crazy lady or friend for a minute?
There's a saying that goes something like this, Some friends come and go like a flash, some friends are in your life for a season, some for a reason and some are for a lifetime. I want to greet every one of those friends with a smile.
I very briefly met a woman the other day on a walk to the beach with Keri and Waffles, our golden retriever. The woman was walking towards us and fell in love with Waffles immediately, but who wouldn't.
When I introduced him to her she got a big'ol smile on her face. Then after a slight pause she commented on how wonderful his name was, she said his name again "Waffles" and said, "you can't even say his name without smiling,...Waffles. See? Say it,...Waffles" It was kinda like Waffles was her dog and she was explaining to us how pleased she was with the name she decided to give him.
She thanked us for stopping and letting her pet our sweet boy. As we parted ways I said, "Have a wonderful day". She spun around to respond and said, "Have a lifetime of them".
I am so glad I was smiling when she was approaching us. I thought that chance meeting was completely delightful and I decided in that moment that I was going to regift that experience to someone else.
In the next day or so, Keri, Waffles and I walked down to the coffee shop right around the corner to get some coffee before walking down to the beach. Here's my chance I thought. As we were leaving the clerk said, "Have a wonderful day" and I spun around and said, "Have a lifetime of them", it felt so good.
Then in perfect Keri form as we were walking away from the coffee shop, Keri said, "you stole that from that crazy lady".
Crazy lady or friend for a minute?
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
You will or you won't,...
I think I've said this before,...but I'll say it again, because I believe it is worth repeating. Everything happens for a reason. Believe me when I say, it certainly does NOT always seem like it though.
I mean who would think there would actually be a "reason" for me as a young mother to have a grand mal seizure while cooking boiling hot malt-o-meal, causing second and third degree burns on 4% of my body? Would the reason be some kind of benefit I just couldn't see yet, for my 2 year old son? Was the reason so I could get a break from the painful relationship I was in at the time? That seems kinda drastic, but I do remember feeling like I was on vacation, laying there in the burn unit of Baptist Hospital. It was the very most painful thing I have ever, physically endured, yes, pregnancy included. At the time it seemed very difficult to find the reason why that happened to me.
What could possibly be the reason? Right? I have wondered from time to time over the years, and never really came up with a reason, until the moment came when I was able to share my story with someone that was going through something similar. It was a connection thing and that was the reason.
I guess you can't really find a reason WHY some things happen the way they do, until you are ready to stop asking why. When you let go of the WHY, you have hands and arms available for picking up and totally embracing the knowing. You don't have to KNOW the reason, you just have to KNOW that there is a reason. The reason will become very clear, right at the exact perfect moment.
And that, my friend, is when you will begin to believe for yourself that everything happens for a reason, or not. It really is your choice.
I mean who would think there would actually be a "reason" for me as a young mother to have a grand mal seizure while cooking boiling hot malt-o-meal, causing second and third degree burns on 4% of my body? Would the reason be some kind of benefit I just couldn't see yet, for my 2 year old son? Was the reason so I could get a break from the painful relationship I was in at the time? That seems kinda drastic, but I do remember feeling like I was on vacation, laying there in the burn unit of Baptist Hospital. It was the very most painful thing I have ever, physically endured, yes, pregnancy included. At the time it seemed very difficult to find the reason why that happened to me.
What could possibly be the reason? Right? I have wondered from time to time over the years, and never really came up with a reason, until the moment came when I was able to share my story with someone that was going through something similar. It was a connection thing and that was the reason.
I guess you can't really find a reason WHY some things happen the way they do, until you are ready to stop asking why. When you let go of the WHY, you have hands and arms available for picking up and totally embracing the knowing. You don't have to KNOW the reason, you just have to KNOW that there is a reason. The reason will become very clear, right at the exact perfect moment.
And that, my friend, is when you will begin to believe for yourself that everything happens for a reason, or not. It really is your choice.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Better off for all that we let in
I am utterly and completely amazed when I actually take the time,... to watch.
the sun.
go.
down.
I am breathless at this moment as I sit in Newport Oregon watching the most beautiful setting of the sun I have ever seen, in this moment. We only have this moment.
Every single time I look up from my writing, there is a more and more beautiful canvas of a sky than there was just a moment ago. As the sun sets further and further, seemingly right down into the ocean, the sky becomes more and more dramatic. The water darkens and the white cap waves of the day are replaced by the black shadowy ones of the night. The sky becomes a more fiery blend of red, vibrant orange, deep smokey lavender and a range of blues that would drift you right off into dreamland.
The beauty of the earth is totally amazing. I saw a reflection of myself with the sky for a backdrop today in the eye of a horse. As I stood there petting him, I had a flash of a thought. Not even a conscious thought, more like a flash of slight exposure as one of my synapses fired. The fraction of a concept I was exposed to was that the horse and I shared a moment of reality together. Whether YOU believe it or not does not matter to me in the least, because I have faith that is exactly what happened.
To be in this wonderfully amazing place and not have a feeling of something bigger than ourselves in my opinion is a tragedy.
A very sad place to live for a heart, in the body of a man that does not truly see.
I am so grateful for the wide openness of my heart that I am able to let go, and lay myself down in a realm of complete vulnerability. I am confident that I will receive what I have given. I have nothing but love to truly give and we are better off for all that we let in.
Faith, like the ocean, always wins!!!
the sun.
go.
down.
I am breathless at this moment as I sit in Newport Oregon watching the most beautiful setting of the sun I have ever seen, in this moment. We only have this moment.
Every single time I look up from my writing, there is a more and more beautiful canvas of a sky than there was just a moment ago. As the sun sets further and further, seemingly right down into the ocean, the sky becomes more and more dramatic. The water darkens and the white cap waves of the day are replaced by the black shadowy ones of the night. The sky becomes a more fiery blend of red, vibrant orange, deep smokey lavender and a range of blues that would drift you right off into dreamland.
The beauty of the earth is totally amazing. I saw a reflection of myself with the sky for a backdrop today in the eye of a horse. As I stood there petting him, I had a flash of a thought. Not even a conscious thought, more like a flash of slight exposure as one of my synapses fired. The fraction of a concept I was exposed to was that the horse and I shared a moment of reality together. Whether YOU believe it or not does not matter to me in the least, because I have faith that is exactly what happened.
To be in this wonderfully amazing place and not have a feeling of something bigger than ourselves in my opinion is a tragedy.
A very sad place to live for a heart, in the body of a man that does not truly see.
I am so grateful for the wide openness of my heart that I am able to let go, and lay myself down in a realm of complete vulnerability. I am confident that I will receive what I have given. I have nothing but love to truly give and we are better off for all that we let in.
Faith, like the ocean, always wins!!!
Monday, October 7, 2013
Figuring it out
Every time the song, Reunited and it feels so good, by Peaches and Herb comes on the radio it transports me through time, right back to the late 70's when I had my first real crush.
I can remember in particular and with great clarity the feelings I had when I was singing the part that went,..."I wish I could climb right through the telephone line, so I could kiss your lips and you would still be mine". Back then I was about 9 years old and had no idea what all the lyrics of that song meant. All I knew was how I was feeling, completely dreamy!!! I had no idea how to express those feelings, so I did what I thought I had to do to get the attention I wanted.
Oh,... what did I do? You want to know what I did? Well, leave it to me to, #1 have a crush of a beautiful blonde girl about 7 or 8 years older than me and #2 choose to try and get her attention by slapping her ass and running off. It never really worked, and I tried a few times, by the way. The exhilaration I felt, though, for just coming into contact with her for a second, in my little immature mind was worth it.
I can remember her blonde feathered hair, her blue eyes (but,...maybe that was just her eyeshadow), her tight jeans with the huge pink comb sticking out of her back pocket. Her name was Marilyn, and I loved her more than anyone else in my whole 9 years of life. She was dreamy.
I can't remember why, but I got to go to her house one time. I stood in the hall just outside her bedroom and gazed at everything within those four walls that made up her bedroom. Clearly, I was head over heels in love with her, right? You're getting that from this story, right? Good.
So, knowing how I was feeling, you can imagine how totally confused I was when I got a folded up note from Marilyn's little brother, who by the way, I didn't even know existed. I still don't even remember what he looks like or what his name is/was. The note very simply read, "hey good lookin' what's cookin'?"
After I read that note, I stood there for a moment and looked at him, all kinds of confused. Then, I slowly turned my head towards Marilyn to try and get a clue from her as to why HE would giving ME this note and as if in silent slow motion, Marilyn pointing at me and then at him and then back at me. Her mouth was moving, but no words were coming out. I could not figure out what was happening.
What? Who? Huh? I was so confused, I think I actually blocked out the rest of what happened, because that is the very last memory I have of Marilyn and it only just came to me right now as I'm writing this.
I guess she thought I would be a good girlfriend? to her brother??? It still feels totally confusing as I reflect on it. It's like I can tap right into that feeling of, what the heck kind of filter are you using to look at this reality? You do not see what I see, at all! I guess she had no idea how I felt about her. How could she not have known? I slapped her ass! Several times! Isn't that the universal language for, "damn! your hot!!! Wanna be my girlfriend?", even if you're only 9 years old.
I guess she was not quite ready for the love of a lifetime,...
Coming to terms with and accepting myself a gay person over the next 14 years or so was very confusing. It was definitely an ebb and flow process that felt a great deal less elegant than it sounds. It felt more like living in complete oblivion and then trying desperately to swim in a stormy ocean. I turned my back on trying to figure out who I really was and focused my energy outward. I tried like hell to be like everyone else. It worked too, about as well as trying to put socks on a rooster.
I've grown quite a bit since then and now that I'm older I know how to express those dreamy feelings. Even better, those feelings are wrapped up in someone that is ready for the love of a lifetime and she IS also ready for me to slap her ass.
I can remember in particular and with great clarity the feelings I had when I was singing the part that went,..."I wish I could climb right through the telephone line, so I could kiss your lips and you would still be mine". Back then I was about 9 years old and had no idea what all the lyrics of that song meant. All I knew was how I was feeling, completely dreamy!!! I had no idea how to express those feelings, so I did what I thought I had to do to get the attention I wanted.
Oh,... what did I do? You want to know what I did? Well, leave it to me to, #1 have a crush of a beautiful blonde girl about 7 or 8 years older than me and #2 choose to try and get her attention by slapping her ass and running off. It never really worked, and I tried a few times, by the way. The exhilaration I felt, though, for just coming into contact with her for a second, in my little immature mind was worth it.
I can remember her blonde feathered hair, her blue eyes (but,...maybe that was just her eyeshadow), her tight jeans with the huge pink comb sticking out of her back pocket. Her name was Marilyn, and I loved her more than anyone else in my whole 9 years of life. She was dreamy.
I can't remember why, but I got to go to her house one time. I stood in the hall just outside her bedroom and gazed at everything within those four walls that made up her bedroom. Clearly, I was head over heels in love with her, right? You're getting that from this story, right? Good.
So, knowing how I was feeling, you can imagine how totally confused I was when I got a folded up note from Marilyn's little brother, who by the way, I didn't even know existed. I still don't even remember what he looks like or what his name is/was. The note very simply read, "hey good lookin' what's cookin'?"
After I read that note, I stood there for a moment and looked at him, all kinds of confused. Then, I slowly turned my head towards Marilyn to try and get a clue from her as to why HE would giving ME this note and as if in silent slow motion, Marilyn pointing at me and then at him and then back at me. Her mouth was moving, but no words were coming out. I could not figure out what was happening.
What? Who? Huh? I was so confused, I think I actually blocked out the rest of what happened, because that is the very last memory I have of Marilyn and it only just came to me right now as I'm writing this.
I guess she thought I would be a good girlfriend? to her brother??? It still feels totally confusing as I reflect on it. It's like I can tap right into that feeling of, what the heck kind of filter are you using to look at this reality? You do not see what I see, at all! I guess she had no idea how I felt about her. How could she not have known? I slapped her ass! Several times! Isn't that the universal language for, "damn! your hot!!! Wanna be my girlfriend?", even if you're only 9 years old.
I guess she was not quite ready for the love of a lifetime,...
Coming to terms with and accepting myself a gay person over the next 14 years or so was very confusing. It was definitely an ebb and flow process that felt a great deal less elegant than it sounds. It felt more like living in complete oblivion and then trying desperately to swim in a stormy ocean. I turned my back on trying to figure out who I really was and focused my energy outward. I tried like hell to be like everyone else. It worked too, about as well as trying to put socks on a rooster.
I've grown quite a bit since then and now that I'm older I know how to express those dreamy feelings. Even better, those feelings are wrapped up in someone that is ready for the love of a lifetime and she IS also ready for me to slap her ass.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Just eat the damn thing!!!
We are faced with all sorts of challenges in our lives. Some are heavy deep rooted challenges that require introspection and a great deal of courage to actively seek assistance from an outside unbiased source. This unbiased outside source is hopefully trained and can help us unravel the knots that these deep rooted challenges can create in our lives.
Sometimes our challenges are lighter and less serious, but still plague us with the frustrations of being unresolved. Even though we've given it our best and feel like we have truly conquered them, those pesky little bastards keep popping back up.
For me one of those little challenges,...BIG, HEAVY, SIGH,....is salty savory foods. I know it will not be good for me even though it tastes really really good. I have to say I am pretty good at not giving in to these cravings, but sometimes it just gets to be overwhelming and I go out and buy a fried chicken leg, oh and usually some jojos. I know, I know. I'm hard enough on myself, so please just hold on to those judgements and comments, but I just love salty savory things (she said under her breath with a slightly exasperated whine).
I'm just happy that when I do finally break down after weeks, sometimes months and actually go to a deli for that one piece of chicken and jojos, I am able to order such a small piece and only 3 jojos. I do get some weird looks from the deli clerk when I order 3 jojos, bit it beats the hell out of eating a bucket of chicken and a whole order of French fries (which I have never done regarding the bucket) and it totally works for me. So, yes, every once in awhile I just eat the damn chicken and for those of you that crave sweets, just eat the damn cupcake, once in awhile.
I used to indulge in these cravings all the time because I thought I was a healthy person. I would say to myself, I can have French fries for shit sake, I did my workout this morning! Then I heard somewhere along the way that being healthy or fit was 80% eating healthy and 20% working out.
SHIT!!! I was sabotaging myself every single day. Every bust ass work out I did, I learned, was not earning me a ticket to the smorgasbord of fast food and junkies that are so readily available. It did take me awhile to learn this lesson and I still have to fight for my fitness. I fight for it by working out and making moment by moment decisions about food and BEER.
One day though when I wasn't looking someone brought some treats to my office and I thought to myself, "Who's the son of a bitch that brought this crap here to tempt me?" And almost immediately as if someone else was answering my question, I thought to myself, "Well, who's the son of a bitch that's putting it in your mouth?"
Oh,...yeah,....
That!!! is when the moment by moment decisions began.
So, whether your challenges are deep rooted and heavy or lighter and less serious, I guess what it boils down to is, who's the son of a bitch that is making the decisions in your life? Who is the one in charge? Who is taking action? Not making a decision or taking action is a decision, but is that getting you what you really want? Are you choosing to be a victim of outside circumstances?
I challenge you to take control. You have the power to make things happen. You have the power to make improvements in your life and that power is in the choices you make. Is your happiness worth it to you?
Sometimes our challenges are lighter and less serious, but still plague us with the frustrations of being unresolved. Even though we've given it our best and feel like we have truly conquered them, those pesky little bastards keep popping back up.
For me one of those little challenges,...BIG, HEAVY, SIGH,....is salty savory foods. I know it will not be good for me even though it tastes really really good. I have to say I am pretty good at not giving in to these cravings, but sometimes it just gets to be overwhelming and I go out and buy a fried chicken leg, oh and usually some jojos. I know, I know. I'm hard enough on myself, so please just hold on to those judgements and comments, but I just love salty savory things (she said under her breath with a slightly exasperated whine).
I'm just happy that when I do finally break down after weeks, sometimes months and actually go to a deli for that one piece of chicken and jojos, I am able to order such a small piece and only 3 jojos. I do get some weird looks from the deli clerk when I order 3 jojos, bit it beats the hell out of eating a bucket of chicken and a whole order of French fries (which I have never done regarding the bucket) and it totally works for me. So, yes, every once in awhile I just eat the damn chicken and for those of you that crave sweets, just eat the damn cupcake, once in awhile.
I used to indulge in these cravings all the time because I thought I was a healthy person. I would say to myself, I can have French fries for shit sake, I did my workout this morning! Then I heard somewhere along the way that being healthy or fit was 80% eating healthy and 20% working out.
SHIT!!! I was sabotaging myself every single day. Every bust ass work out I did, I learned, was not earning me a ticket to the smorgasbord of fast food and junkies that are so readily available. It did take me awhile to learn this lesson and I still have to fight for my fitness. I fight for it by working out and making moment by moment decisions about food and BEER.
One day though when I wasn't looking someone brought some treats to my office and I thought to myself, "Who's the son of a bitch that brought this crap here to tempt me?" And almost immediately as if someone else was answering my question, I thought to myself, "Well, who's the son of a bitch that's putting it in your mouth?"
Oh,...yeah,....
That!!! is when the moment by moment decisions began.
So, whether your challenges are deep rooted and heavy or lighter and less serious, I guess what it boils down to is, who's the son of a bitch that is making the decisions in your life? Who is the one in charge? Who is taking action? Not making a decision or taking action is a decision, but is that getting you what you really want? Are you choosing to be a victim of outside circumstances?
I challenge you to take control. You have the power to make things happen. You have the power to make improvements in your life and that power is in the choices you make. Is your happiness worth it to you?
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Feel good moments
No matter where I am I can choose peace and the pace of my life. I could be on the side of a mountain sitting between a nice cozy fire and gentle flowing stream, looking up at the big beautiful sky or I could be on my way to work. Either can be peaceful and at my pace. I just have to decide and take the steps necessary for it to be so.
I am very content knowing that the source of my sense of peace is within me. I am always sitting at the control panel, I may not always be tweaking the dials and keeping myself on track, but I know that all the power to keep myself on track is right at my finger tips. So, when I do allow myself to veer off track a little and let go of the control, all I have to do is tweak a dial or two and I am back on my true path.
I really enjoy the feeling of transcending a challenging situation. I feel so empowered when I allow outside circumstances to be exactly what they are without letting them into my realm of peace. I came here to BE HERE and everyone else can make their choice to create peace or create stress for themselves, but I will be right here holding my focus on my happiness and my sense of being well.
I make is sound very easy, don't I? Well, it can be as easy or as hard as we make. I don't always make it so easy for myself. My ego resists letting go sometimes and I relive things that really don't benefit me, but I continue my efforts to make strides in a positive direction.
And one more thing about my true path, every little deviance from my perceived true path is really just MY true path. The deviances are always a learning swerve and sometimes not tending to the control panel can be really fun. I love riding the wave of no thought and just having fun. Dancing, singing, laughing my head off, giving hugs, connecting with people and being uncontrollably silly, it ALL feels so good.
Those feel good moments of no thought and just doing what feels good, keep me connected to the source within that allows peace to flow through my life.
That doesn't mean I live in La la land all the time, there is a certain amount of balance between this sense of euphoria and peace intermingled with accountability and being responsible for myself. It is a dance and I LOVE to dance.
I am very content knowing that the source of my sense of peace is within me. I am always sitting at the control panel, I may not always be tweaking the dials and keeping myself on track, but I know that all the power to keep myself on track is right at my finger tips. So, when I do allow myself to veer off track a little and let go of the control, all I have to do is tweak a dial or two and I am back on my true path.
I really enjoy the feeling of transcending a challenging situation. I feel so empowered when I allow outside circumstances to be exactly what they are without letting them into my realm of peace. I came here to BE HERE and everyone else can make their choice to create peace or create stress for themselves, but I will be right here holding my focus on my happiness and my sense of being well.
I make is sound very easy, don't I? Well, it can be as easy or as hard as we make. I don't always make it so easy for myself. My ego resists letting go sometimes and I relive things that really don't benefit me, but I continue my efforts to make strides in a positive direction.
And one more thing about my true path, every little deviance from my perceived true path is really just MY true path. The deviances are always a learning swerve and sometimes not tending to the control panel can be really fun. I love riding the wave of no thought and just having fun. Dancing, singing, laughing my head off, giving hugs, connecting with people and being uncontrollably silly, it ALL feels so good.
Those feel good moments of no thought and just doing what feels good, keep me connected to the source within that allows peace to flow through my life.
That doesn't mean I live in La la land all the time, there is a certain amount of balance between this sense of euphoria and peace intermingled with accountability and being responsible for myself. It is a dance and I LOVE to dance.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
What makes us who we are?
You know those annoying little typos that occur when texting or posting a comment to Facebook? We all do these things and that is just part of what makes us who we are and how we relate to each other. Even George Takei can relate.
I think it's interesting the different ways people react to their typo/autocorrect errors. Some people add a correction line below along with an "Ugh", some people curse autocorrect and try to correct their error and create another one (growing more frustrated), some people just don't give a shit and leave it or don't notice.
It sure is fun though being connected to so many people. I love being able to see what my family and friends are up to all over the world. I can just pop on to Facebook and for a moment interact with my friends in other states, see where my mom and son are traveling or comment on how beautiful all my nieces are and tease my friends. I can send love out into the world and have it reach a whole bunch of people. By the way, I can do that without any app or device, but I love the interaction.
I love connecting with people and allowing ourselves to affect each others lives. I love the little typos and imperfections of life, they help remind us that we are all just people out here in the world doing the best that we can with what we've got.
Let's all just take a moment to ponder that and give ourselves a freakin' break for not being perfect human beings. It will never happen and while we're at it, let's give our neighbor a break too, or that guy that cut you off on the highway, just take a deep breath and bless him on his hurried way. Sure, you can bless him with your finger gesture, maybe that's how blessings are given in your culture.
We live in a fast pace imperfect reality full of typos, cut-offs, overcharges, miscounted change and misunderstandings. We all do these things and that is just part of what makes us who we are and how we relate to each other.
The other part of what makes us who we are is love, tenderness, patience, acceptance, forgiveness and kindness. All of those things help us relate to each other as well and that part of us is where we can find our perfection. The perfectly loving spiritual side of ourselves.
So, yes it is true, we will never be perfect human beings, BUT we ARE perfect spiritual beings. Knowing that this perfect aspect of yourself exists and taking a moment to be in that part of yourself allows you to accept yourself as an imperfect human being and creates space in your reality for acceptance of other people's imperfect humanness too.
So let's leave our typos in our texts when they occur and know that when you see a typo it is an opportunity for someone to love themselves as their imperfect human self.
I live you ver much!!!
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
I can say my numbers
Fourteen, three hundred ninety two.
What? I know, right? What am I trying to say?
Well, I will tell you. In the not so distant past (like, early last week) that was my attempt to say this number, 14,392.
Really? Yes! Really! In the past I was lparalyzed by,... numbers. Yes, math too, but very simply as well, just saying big numbers. I had only one concept of numbers and that was zero. That's kinda funny, two numbers in that last sentence.
Anyway, what's the point? The point is, it is really amazing how someone can get to be my age and not know how to do something as simple as say the cost of a car or the price of a house. I used to tell people I paid 36 for my first house back in Oklahoma in 1990. Number one: OMG!! How can anyone buy a house for 36,000? Number two: what's so weird about that? People say that kind of thing all the time right? I heard someone say they paid 550 for their most recent house and that sounds like someone knows what they are talking about, right? Only I didn't. It could have been 3,600 or 36,000. I had no clue. All I knew was it was 36, and that is how I got by not knowing how to say big numbers.
It is amazing sometimes how people have a weakness in a certain aspect of life and feel totally paralyzed by that one thing and another person can look at that particular thing and have no idea how that simple thing can be so perplexing.
So, when you encounter someone that is totally blowing your mind regarding something that is so freaking simple to YOU, take a moment to consider if there just might be something in your life that simple that trips you up every time, and then consider giving that other person the same kind of break you would appreciate when you are faced with your simple or not so simple little stumbling block.
When we can see our own vulnerability in others, we are much more accepting of their moments of paralysis. How patient are we with ourselves when dealing with our own fears? Shit! I can put up with a lot of stuff, rather than deal with uncomfortable situations, BUT I would rather transcend my moments of paralysis.
Amazing! I know, given this confession about big numbers, but I really do feel like a smart person, but then again when it comes to left and right, that's a whole other ball of wax. Yes, I've had trouble with left and right as well.
I wish you could hear my happy little songs about how, "I know my numbers, I know my numbers" and "to the right, to the right, to the right and now to the left, to the left, to the left". Both, by the way, have little dances to accompany them.
Thank you to Shanna for taking the time to teach me my numbers and to Keri for teaching me that I write with my right and THAT is always the right. I love both of you very much and would do anything I could to help either one of you,... learn your ABC's or teach you north and south, or anything else.
What? I know, right? What am I trying to say?
Well, I will tell you. In the not so distant past (like, early last week) that was my attempt to say this number, 14,392.
Really? Yes! Really! In the past I was lparalyzed by,... numbers. Yes, math too, but very simply as well, just saying big numbers. I had only one concept of numbers and that was zero. That's kinda funny, two numbers in that last sentence.
Anyway, what's the point? The point is, it is really amazing how someone can get to be my age and not know how to do something as simple as say the cost of a car or the price of a house. I used to tell people I paid 36 for my first house back in Oklahoma in 1990. Number one: OMG!! How can anyone buy a house for 36,000? Number two: what's so weird about that? People say that kind of thing all the time right? I heard someone say they paid 550 for their most recent house and that sounds like someone knows what they are talking about, right? Only I didn't. It could have been 3,600 or 36,000. I had no clue. All I knew was it was 36, and that is how I got by not knowing how to say big numbers.
It is amazing sometimes how people have a weakness in a certain aspect of life and feel totally paralyzed by that one thing and another person can look at that particular thing and have no idea how that simple thing can be so perplexing.
So, when you encounter someone that is totally blowing your mind regarding something that is so freaking simple to YOU, take a moment to consider if there just might be something in your life that simple that trips you up every time, and then consider giving that other person the same kind of break you would appreciate when you are faced with your simple or not so simple little stumbling block.
When we can see our own vulnerability in others, we are much more accepting of their moments of paralysis. How patient are we with ourselves when dealing with our own fears? Shit! I can put up with a lot of stuff, rather than deal with uncomfortable situations, BUT I would rather transcend my moments of paralysis.
Amazing! I know, given this confession about big numbers, but I really do feel like a smart person, but then again when it comes to left and right, that's a whole other ball of wax. Yes, I've had trouble with left and right as well.
I wish you could hear my happy little songs about how, "I know my numbers, I know my numbers" and "to the right, to the right, to the right and now to the left, to the left, to the left". Both, by the way, have little dances to accompany them.
Thank you to Shanna for taking the time to teach me my numbers and to Keri for teaching me that I write with my right and THAT is always the right. I love both of you very much and would do anything I could to help either one of you,... learn your ABC's or teach you north and south, or anything else.
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