Do You Have a Happy Dance?

I don't know if you have experienced a level of happiness that generates an uncontrollable break out in a happy dance or not, but I have. In fact, it happens to me quite frequently. It doesn't really take much to elicit one of these expressive dances of elation, but damn it sure does feel good.

It could be something as small as one of my favorite songs coming on the radio or making an impressive two point shot at the trash can. I've even broken out in a happy dance when I see someone I like at work. I have to be clear here, when I say, "I break out in a happy dance", it could mean any number of things. I could be greeting you with a high kick or two. I could be running around the room as if I were having the puppy zooms. Sometimes my happy dance manifests as what appears to be a bit of aerobics.

Some people think I'm a little weird because I get excited over a little bit of ribbon or because I see someone I know in an unexpected place. I'll admit that I am easily excitable and honestly, I kinda' love that about me. I love it when I see one of my family member's initials on a random license plate. I love the contrast of fall leaves against the blue sky and the contrast of lush green moss against the dark rich soil. A cloud shaped like a hippopotamus jumping through the air. A bird walking on my back deck to the rhythm of the song playing in my headphones.

It's all the teeny tiny things in life that likely would go unnoticed by most, but just thrill me to pieces when they occur in my daily life. It truly is the little things that make life so wonderfully joyous. I am so grateful to know what I know.

Worthy of Sharing

I posted a meme to my Facebook the other day and I don't post meme's very often. My experience has been when I see a barrage of those well intended messages and read one after another they become less significant.

This one seemed worth reposting. I'll share it with you now.

Welcome Home Baby Boy

I can not believe how big our new puppy is already. I love having a puppy in the house again. He's so adorable and I will never tire of watching him sleep.

We've already started his potty training. We set a timer for 30 minutes and take him out every time the timer dings, unless he's alseep, which he is right this very second and that is why I am able to write this.

My Heart is Full

This is a vey special day. The day that I am writing this very blog is Christmas day. I know some of you already know, but for those of you that don't know, I am spending this Christmas on the Pacific Coast in Yachats, Oregon with my wife, my mother and son.

There really are no words for how full my heart feels this Christmas. The greatest gift of all is the love I feel all around me. I am so grateful to be aware of this love all through the year.

Merry Christmas!!!

From everyone behind the scenes here at Apozitude, we are wishing you and your loved ones, near and far, a blessed and lovely Holiday Season. As Clay Aiken would sing in his song, Don't Save it all for Christmas, "A hug is warmer when you're in it" and that my friends is the philosophy of Apozitude.

WHAT? No beer???

One of my favorite things in the whole wide world is when some one starts talking about a particular challenge in their life and they are totally ready to be inspired. You can totally tell when someone is ready to be inspired because every encouraging thing you say to them makes perfect sense to them and they are nodding in agreement the whole time you're talking to them.

I encountered this delightful situation this last week when one of my friends and co-workers started talking to me about starting a new eating regimen for the purpose of reversing her lactose intolerance. I can not speak to the validity of this cleanse because I've not done any research on the subject, but what I can speak to is this young woman's enthusiasm for making a positive change in her life.

Her name is Courtney and she is the one that has done the research. She is the one that has decided to make a change in her life. She was talking to me about the restrictions she has decided to place on herself in an effort to reverse her intolerance and was sharing some of the details. The next 5 months (starting after Christmas) she will cut out breads, sugars (even natural sugars (so no fruit), no beer or wine, and honestly, I don't remember all the details, because once she said, "No Beer", I kinda went into shock.

I'm kidding about the shock, but serious that I don't remember all the details. Once Courtney mentioned how hard it was going to be, I shifted into inspiration mode. I said, "It will be as hard or as easy as you decide to make it on yourself". She agreed and came back with, "That's right and if I don't ever do it. I'll be lactose intolerant for the rest of my life".

Yes, that's right. As long as we remain unwilling to make a shift, we can only hold ourselves in place of responsibility for the circumstances that exists in our lives.

We talked about situations that are out of our control, such as people bringing treats to the office. I told her about when I had a clarifying moment a few years ago. Some very sweet well intended person brought some yummy goodies to the office and I said to myself, "Who's the son of a bitch that keeps bringing in the goodies?" and then as if divine wisdom was whispering in my ear, this question came to me, "Well, who's the son of a bitch that keeps putting it in your mouth?"

Ahhh HA!!!

It was really a very cool conversation. I am very excited for Courtney and the change that she is planning to make for herself. 5 months really is not that long at all. I believe in you. I am not saying there won't be challenging moments, but with the right mind set it's going to be much easier. It's all about choices and how much you really want the change you are seeking. You have control over yourself, your thoughts and your actions.

I believe with the right attitude and desire any one of us could make any change we desire for our lives. We all have the power to make it as easy as we'd like for it to be.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

This, my friends, is in fact one of the happiest days of my life. After I wake up next to the love of my life, I'll spend the day at the best job in the whole wide world, working with the best friends a girl could ever ask for, and after an amazing day at work and a lovely evening at home at an hour of the night when I would usually have been asleep for at least an hour, my happy self will bebop down to the Portland International Airport to pick up my mom and son for a Christmas visit from Oklahoma.

It's probably been about a year and a half since I've seen either of them. I am truly one of the luckiest people in the world simply because I have so many loves in my life. I have my wife. My mom and my son. I have the most amazing a new puppy coming home soon. I have the best friends in the whole world. I have Goodnesses in my life. I am surrounded by love and tomorrow I get to see the person that birthed me and the person I birthed.

I am so lucky to have such amazing love for and from these two people in my life. I know a great many people that have very challenging relationships with their parents and/or their children. I am lucky and I know it.

I am not trying to brag or be boastful, I am simply appreciating the gifts I have been given.

Kismet

I was just about to start this blog with an apology and then I decided, "No way". I'm not about to apologize for the excitement I have in my life right now for the little being that is about to bless this house with unconditional unstoppable puppy love energy.

I know I posted quite a few pictures and a video of our new addition on Facebook over the weekend, but we are so excited to have little Marbles in our lives. The litter reached their 8wk mark this past week and most of his litter mates went home, but before we knew we were getting a new little guy in our lives we made plans to go to the beach for Christmas.

We decided it would be much better for Marbles to stay with Golden Grams, our breeder (Judy), while we went to the beach. We want his first place away from his birth home to be his forever home for the ease of transition on him.

He won't be alone. Don't you worry one little bit about him. He will have his puppy Momma, Chatter, there with him along with a sister and a brother. Plus there are plenty of animals at Golden Grams house.

We went to see him this weekend, even though we knew we would be leaving him there with Grams. We sat in the barn with all the families that were there to take their babies home and visited and played with puppies for about three hours. It was so much fun and we are so freakin' excited. We literally keep eking out little squeals of delight. Sunday morning when we were pretending he was already here, Keri said, "We're going to have to calm down when he's actually here. We need to be the calm leaders of the pack that he will need to feel secure". She's so cute and so ready. She placed his crate in it's place in the bedroom, so we can acclimate to it's presence so we don't bump into it and startle the little guy in his sleep.

OMG!!! I just remembered that we were watching, "I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown" on Saturday evening. That was the day we went to see Marbles, and like we had never seen it before this scene comes on,... and I don't know how familiar most of you are with Snoopy and his cast of characters, but Keri has been a huge fan since she was tiny. She had a Snoopy bathing suit when she was little and carried a Snoopy around with her everywhere. She had, what she thought was all of Snoopy's siblings too and used to build houses for them out of record covers. So, we always watch all the Carlie Brown specials.

This time though we saw something we had never seen before. Rerun, Linus and Lucy's younger brother really wanted a dog for Christmas. He went to Charlie Brown's house and asked if he could borrow Snoopy. Snoopy wasn't having it, but the subject of Snoopy's siblings came up as an option and the very first one mentioned was Marbles.

Wha- wha- WHAT????? Yes, that's right. Keri's lifelong love of Snoopy and all the years she has watched Snoopy cartoons she never remembered him having a sibling named Marbles, but there he was clear as day. We quickly jumped on the interwebs and Googled, Snoopy's brother Marbles.

Lo and behold, there he was. So, not only is our Little Marbles a nephew of Waffles, but his namesake, is also a brother to Snoopy. This could not be any more perfect!!!

Captain Apozitude

I had so much fun at the Goodness birthday. There were lots of little princesses and super heroes, but only one adult Super Hero. Thank you for inviting me. I love being a little kid.

Odd Duck? Who Me?

"Angel, you're an odd duck" someone said to me this last week. Let's see what else,... "You never know what she's going to do next", "Oh my gosh!!! I can not believe you just did that" and many more.

All through my life I've done the unexpected, pushed the limits and stepped outside the comfort zone of most. Some might say I do it for the attention, some might say I'm immature, some, I know, really want to join me, but for some reason feel hesitation. Perhaps they fear looking crazy. I don't really know.

What I do know is that when I do things that elicit this type of response, it's usually because I am following my bliss. When I am in the middle of following my bliss, my level of concern about what other people think about me or what I am doing is just about ZERO!

The reason I was perceived as an odd duck this past week is because I was all excited about this new device Keri and I got for ourselves called a vivo fit, perhaps more commonly known as, a fit bit.

What does it do? It tracks the number of steps you take throughout the day. It alerts you with a little red bar creeping across the face of the watch type device when you have been sedentary for too long, creating awareness and encouraging you to get up and move. Just as I had hoped when my little red bar started crawling across my device, I'd get up and move. A goal is set based on a profile you fill out and as you reach the daily goal it adjusts and creates a more challenging goal for the next day.

So, while walking in place at work and cheerfully responding to requests to fetch this or that someone stated with a chuckle, "Angel, you're an odd duck". Yes, this is true of this persons perception of me, but to me, I am just my happy self doing what I do to maintain my good feeling life. I'm too happy to be concerned with what anybody else thinks about me.

Go Hunt for Nuts!!!

When I grow up I wanna be a motivational speaker and that has been my dream for a very long time. Do I really wanna grow up??? No, not really, but I believe that I can attain my dream without having to grow up.

For as long as I can remember I have stood on anything I can find that would elevate me just a bit. I'd jump up on top of that elevated surface and speak from my heart to an imaginary crowd, all fired up and ready to motivate.

Since those days, I have come around to some clarifying experiences that have helped me to realize that I could never be a motivational speaker. Don't get too exasperated. Do you want to know why I have come to that conclusion? Well, I'll tell you.

I can not be a motivational speaker because motivation comes from within yourself. I couldn't motivate a squirrel to hunt for nuts if I tried, and I have. I, honestly, laid out some nuts on my back deck, waited and watched to see if I could convince the squirrel to come get the nuts. No go. Many other circumstances have clarified the fact that I, simply, CAN NOT WANT IT BAD ENOUGH FOR YOU or anyone else.

You know what I can do? I can inspire you. I can be energetic and I can be on fire. I can feel love coursing through me and I can live my life as an example, it makes me feel good anyway. So, I am doing it for myself, but if you want to be inspired? I certainly can inspire, but the motivation piece of this deal, is all on you buddy.

So, my clarifying experiences have created a more specific dream. When I grow up I want to be an inspirational speaker. And do you know what else? I already am. I am all grown up and I am inspiring people all over the place, just by being me and living my passion for life. Loving. Laughing. Hugging and having fabulous days, because that, my friends, is what life is all about.

We came here for the fun. We came here to enjoy. We came here to grow and expand. So, let's do it!!! Anyone can be a member of Team Apozitude. It's all inclusive. So, find something that makes you smile and march to the beat of your own drum.

Spider Man Flipped Me Off

One day this last week Keri sent me a text at work. She was checking in to see if our schedules might mesh up and allow us to meet somewhere for a beer and maybe some dinner out. We are making attempts to take advantage of the opportunity we have to be free of puppy responsibility.

We are very much looking forward to having that responsibility again, but we also know the limits it will put on our evenings for a while. Anyway, I thought it would work on that particular day, so we made arrangements to meet at Lucky Lab Pizza in Multnomah Village.

I used to work in Multnomah Village. On my way to meet Keri, I ended up taking a route I used many times in the past. On my way there I was reminded of something that happened to me on that route to work many years ago.

It was during the school year and I was behind a school bus. The school bus turned on the same street I needed to turn on and we were on a single lane two way road, so I was going to be following this bus for awhile, at least until one of our paths changed.

It was October, the reason I remember this is because that school bus was full of little Spider Men, Princesses, Super Men and anything else you could imagine. Probably a Ninja Turtle or two in the mix as well. The one little guy I remember was probably about 7 years old and decked out in a spiffy Spider Man costume. The reason he made such an impression on me is because he was having such a good time. He was laughing it up and sticking his tongue out at me. Laughing it up, waving good bye with his class mates. Which I was fine with and was not responding at all.

Then he pushed a little further. Laughing with his friends and flipped me off. Yes, that's right. Spider Man flipped me off. I didn't respond to that either, and as the bus was turning into a neighborhood, he waved some more as if to say, "Good bye sucker. I'm getting off Scott free". He clearly thought they were turning off my route. I smiled at him and do you know what I did? I followed that bus until it's next stop. Did I have to turn off my regular route to work? You bet I did, but the next stop that bus made I pulled up right behind it. I got out of my little truck and walked myself right up to that bus.

I stood next to the door until the bus driver opened the door. Then I leaned in and said, "I thought you might like to know you have a little Spider Man on the back of your bus giving people the one finger salute out your back window". She looked up towards the ceiling of the bus where a mirror was located and yelled to the back of the bus, "JIMMY!!! GET UP HERE TO THE FRONT OF THE BUS".

As he was approaching the front, she explained to me that she has had quite a bit of trouble with this little guy. She was grateful I pulled over. She had him remove his mask and apologize to me. Of course I have no way of knowing what became of Jimmy the ornery Spider Man, but my hope is that he realized, whatever life has in store for him, that he never forgets that with great power comes great responsibility.

He might have felt like he was hot stuff getting away with the powerful gesture of flipping me off, but I was not about to let him get away without being held responsible for his actions. I calmly let him know that was not acceptable behavior.

Excitement Overload

Oh my goodness!!! We are knee deep in the excitement over load portion of this year. I just had my birthday and it was one of the best ones so far. Nothing outrageous happened, it was simply perfect. For the first time in the 19 years that Keri and I have been together she decided, for some unknown reason, to let me open one of my birthday gifts the night before.

I was so excited I, literally, ran around the coffee table a couple times. We have always had this little game we play where I try to get her to give me hints as to where she bought the gifts or what the gifts might be, but she never gives in. Well, never say never. Right? She didn't just give me a hint, she let me open one. She's really good at surprises. She always finds a way to make me feel special and loved. Her gifts are always very thoughtful. I'm pretty darn lucky.

More about the excitement over load please!!! You're getting sappy. OK. OK. This weekend we are wrapping presents in anticipation of my mom and Garrison coming to visit for Christmas. For those of you that might be new to Apozitude, Garrison, is my son. He's 24 and one of the sweetest guys you'll ever meet. He's also very edgy and cool. Anyway, I am SUPER EXCITED to see them both.

Also this weekend I am going to a little Goodness's birthday party. I'll reveal what I decided to go as in another blog. In case you missed the, Princess or a Super Hero, post that is what the invitation read, "Come dressed as your favorite,...". I am really excited about that too, because I made my own outfit.

See if you can guess the party theme for a little girl turning 4. C'mon,... think! YES!!! You're right!!! It's, Frozen!!! It's going to be so much fun. I can't wait to show up in my DIY outfit. Cast away all your "Pinterest failed" thoughts floating around in your head, because I NAILED IT!!! You'll see.

See what I mean about excitement over load??? Plus, next weekend we are going to see our new puppy. He'll be 8 weeks old and most of his litter mates will be going home at 8 weeks, but our boy will stay an extra special week with his sister and Grandma Judy, because we'll be at the beach for Christmas with my mom and Garrison!!! Then the weekend after Christmas we'll go back to Grandma Judy's house and pick up our puppy.

My life, right now, is like a freakin' movie. My birthday, Goodness's birthday with dress up, visit the puppy, Mom and Garrison arrive, go to the beach, have Christmas, come back and go get the puppy. If you've watched a bunch of Disney movies, you might be waiting for a clincher plot twist at this point for dramatic affect, but I assure you the creator of this reality doesn't add a twist for dramatic affect. Nope. This gal is all about sunshine, rainbows and smiles.

Unflavored Snow Cones, Not as Yummy as You'd Think

I know I have said this before, but I also know that it takes several times of hearing something to retain it. So here it is again, Words don't teach. You know what does teach? Experience!!! Sometimes, it can be a bitch too. I have a perfect example to share with you.

Granted, I am not sure I ever received a warning about what I am about to share and it may seem a bit unbelievable, but I assure you the details of the upcoming story are in fact true. When a was a youngster, oh I'd guess about 9 yrs old, based on my memory of the event, I got a brilliant idea. Before I reveal my brilliance, let me set up the scene.

Ok, so I was about 9 yrs old and my mom and I lived in a shotgun apartment, which is to say you could stand at the front door with a shot gun and take a shot straight forward and the shot would go straight down the hall and every room in the apartment was off that main hall way. Why is that important? You shall see. (Refer to the diagram of the apartment.)

My mom was down in her bedroom and for some reason I was in the kitchen, perhaps I was getting something to drink and needed some ice because I did have the freezer door open. Upon looking in the freezer I noticed the frost in there. You know what frost looks like inside a freezer, right? Apparently to my 9yr old eyes, it looked like a great big unflavored snow cone.

What does an unflavored snow cone taste like? Hmmm,... perhaps I should test it out. Yes! Exactly what you are imaging. I leaned forward to taste the frost and just like Schwartz in a Christmas Story, I got my tongue stuck to something frozen.

I hollered as loud as could, "MAMA!!!" and she hollered back, "What, Baby girl?".

"Come hera!!!"

"What??? I can't hear you. Come here." I yelled back, "A can't!!! Ma tong ith thuck to tha theetha!!" She replied, "I can not hear you, Baby. You are going to have to come in here."

"I CAN"T!!! MA TONG ITH THUCK TO THA THEETHA!!!"

Exasperated, she came into the kitchen to find her baby girl standing in the kitchen with the tip of her tongue stuck to the frost inside the theetha (freezer). I don't know what came over her, but she grabbed me and yanked me right off that mean'ol freezer. Do you know how much your tongue bleeds when you rip the tip off? I do and it's a lot!!! I seem to remember going through a whole paper towel roll.

I also remember having a scab on my tongue. Not fun, but what is fun, is telling and retelling this story though my life. Oh my god! It can be completely hilarious!!! Not so funny though, I used to have a little scar on my tongue, but I just went and checked and it's gone. I do remember looking in the freezer later that evening and seeing a little pink nubby thing inside the freezer. "Hey, that's the tip of my tongue".

It's funny to think of all the times over the years when I would hear someone say, "I can't think of something (whatever it was), but it's right on the tip of my tongue", I always imagined it was in that freezer.

Princess or Super Hero

Guess what!!! I got invited to a birthday party!!! Yup! The birthday party of one of my favorite little people. Lexi, one of the Goodnesses, is turning four. I have had people tell me they like how I refer to these two little girls as, "The Goodnesses" and I think it's about time I explained how they got their title.

It all started with Lexi, of course, because she's the oldest of the two. Every time her mom would show someone her picture because she is so damn cute, every one would uncontrollably gasp and respond, "Oh my Goodness". I mean everyone!!!

It just became a thing. We started calling her, "My Goodness". So, whenever I would go over to visit her I would announce, "I'm going to see My Goodness". Well, then her adorable baby sister, Taylor, was born and she was just as cute as Lexi, and sharing her picture resulted in the same response, "Oh my Goodness". Hence, The Goodnesses.

Well, I guess I don't have to tell you how much I adore these precious little princesses, but they do mean the world to me. I love holding them, hugging them, kissing their sweet little cheeks, playing with them and telling them stories. I just love it.

So, back to this birthday party, the invitation reads, "Come dressed as your favorite princess or super hero" and I got so excited. I sent my RSVP right away with this slight clarification, "I just can't decide if I should be a princess or a super hero" LOL!!! Their mom, my friend Shanna, replied, "Oh I can't wait to see what you come up with".

I told Keri I was going to dress up and she said, "I think that was intended for the kids". Well who's a bigger kid than me??? I have decided what I am going to do, but I can't reveal it just yet, because I want it to be a surprise. Don't worry, I will share when the time is right.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ME!!!!

I am such a kid, I still L-O-V-E having my birthday and I guess you don't have to guess when it is, because of the spoiler in the title.

That's just my way, totally open, totally happy, totally diggin' life.

Happy Birthday to me. Check me out at one week old, that's my Daddy's teddy bear on the left. I don't know his name, but for the sake of this blog let's just call him,...oh I don't know. How about Lefty? Why not? He's on the left side of the picture and my dad was a southpaw. Perfect!!!

Look at that hair. Look at those lips. That, right there, is an intense baby. Destined for big things. That look says, "Look out world. Here I come".

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="720"] Me and Lefty[/caption]

Showing Some Skin

Let's try this again. "Wow! Your hair is getting really long. What inspired this?", someone asked me the other day. I thought for a moment and said, "Honestly, it was Shanna" and really it has been a multitude of things over the years. Slightly adjusting my perspective of myself and coming to terms with how I identify myself and how I represent myself.

The reason I say it was Shanna that inspired the change or desire to grow my hair out is because it was her suggestion that I wear a bikini on my vacation to Hawaii a couple years ago. She said to me, "You are one of the hardest working people I know in terms of working out. You should show off your hard work". I quickly dismissed her suggestion because I hadn't worn a two piece bathing suit since WAY before I started having boobs. I mean WAY WAY before and I have photographic proof of my bikini days as a child.

Somehow, I agreed to try on some of Shanna's bikini's, but I was going to do that by myself. I went to her house and she pulled open this drawer of bathing suits and I was a bit in shock at the sheer volume. I have a drawer that has a bathing suit in it. She has a bathing suit drawer. I think I went home with 6 or 8 bikinis to try on, plus some pull over beach dresses and a maxi dress or two.

As I was trying them on, I was a little bit uncomfortable. I was not accustomed to showing so much skin, but I kept trying them on and gradually I became more comfortable. I would try one on and take a picture and text it to her, "Is this how this is supposed to fit", I would ask. She, I am sure, was cracking up. She reassured me and I finally decided I would take a bikini on my vacation. In fact, I took multiple bikinis with me to Hawaii, yes, you read that right, I took more than one. I have never in my life taken more than one bathing suit on vacation before, but I did that time and every time since. LOL

You know what? It really gave my self esteem a boost. It's kinda hard to describe, but I finally got to a point of being comfortable enough with myself and who I really am that I could wear a bikini. I guess it's sort of a process of self acceptance that I never knew before. I missed out on all the exploration of being girlie for my own sake, because all the years that I presented myself as a "normal" girl, which I even hate to use THAT word. Let's change it then. All the years I presented myself as a straight girl I was doing it to disguise myself to hide who I really was on the inside.

Now, when I wear my hair longer, wear a dress or more feminine clothes it's because I like the way it makes me feel. Does that make any sense? I enjoy feeling cute. I like feeling flirty. I like being a girl. I guess by now I should say, I enjoy being a woman. I'm still exploring and finding ways to express my girlie self, but I am enjoying the process.

Long Haired Butterfly

"Wow! Your hair is getting so long. What inspired this?" someone asked me the other day and do you know what happened next? I opened myself up and shared a little bit more of myself than I am guessing this person originally bargained for, which, if you knew me well, you certainly would not be surprised.

I am an open book and as I shared recently in my blog entitled, It's Got to Be Real, I believe most people are starving for real person to person human experiences. However, now that I've written it out again I think I can say it better. I believe, for the most part, people are starving for a real connection.

When I wrote that brief blog the other day, I wanted to elaborate a bit more on that concept, because what I find is when I share my real self with people they seem to find it refreshing and sort of gravitate to that feeling. They get drawn in to the depth of the honesty. I think it's because when I am being my true self I am connected to something larger than myself.

When I am connected to this, larger than myself entity, I share things on a deeper level than most are accustomed to hearing in a casual encounter, but just because they are not accustomed to it does not mean that it makes them uncomfortable. In fact, the majority of the time when this happens the person I am sharing with thanks me for sharing. It usually comes down to that because I realize I am sharing real, personal things and I'll say something like, "Wow, I'll bet that's more than you bargained for when you asked me that question" and then they share their gratitude with me for sharing.

This was not what I intended to write about when I opened with that, "Your hair is getting so long" comment. Often what I intend to write about is lost in the process of writing because there are so many different directions a single thought can take you and I tend to follow the passion.

The passion, in my mind is the juicy stuff, the connected stuff. The stuff that people really want to read. My intention is to be open and honest for the purpose of expanding joy. My intention is to be connected, happy and free.

I am free as a butterfly. Have you ever tried to tether a butterfly? It just doesn't work. My intention is to expand openness for the purpose of broader perspectives. We are better off for all that we let in.

It's Got To Be Real

You know what I think? Well, you know me,... I'm gonna tell ya'.

I think in this hustle and hurry world, people, most people, are STARVING for a real person to person human experience.

It's not that hard to do, just take a moment and be real. Share yourself, your true self with someone and you know what? I bet they'll really dig it.

The Happiness Formula

There are three things you need in life to be happy. In no particular order I present the formula for a happy life. 1- Someone to love. 2- Something to do. and 3- Something to anticipate. It is a very simple formula and even more simple than some may think.

Some may say, "I am all alone. I don't have someone to love", but that is never true because we always have ourselves. It can be easy to forget sometimes when we are focused outwardly, but when we take a moment to slow down, take a deep breath and look within ourselves we can see there is no one better to focus our love upon.

I am reminded of a refrigerator magnet my mom gave me when I was a very young mother. I can't remember everything on it, but what I do remember is the gist, which was; you can't give what you do not have. It was a huge eyeopener for me because like most people I wanted an improved life for my son. I knew I had to get myself out of the destructive relationship I was in, because I did not feel loved, supported or empowered. I was so miserable I often just wanted to disappear. The only thing that kept me here on this earth was the love I had for my son and the improved life I wanted for him. I had to pull myself up by the bootstraps and make a better way for myself, so I could provide a better way for him.

My something to do for many years was putting energy into my son. Creating boundaries for him, teaching him values and creating space for him to choose what he felt was best for him. Guiding him in a positive direction and letting go to allow him to find his own way. As a young man he often would ask my opinion about what he should do and I recall telling him, I could tell you what I would do, but that might affect your choice. Why don't you tell me what you think is best for you and then we can talk about it. I wanted him to have a strong sense of himself.

When he moved out, I had quite a bit of time on my hands, my something to do turned into art. Painting, carving, drawing and trying to get into galleries. Art is very subjective and though I am blessed with the ability to paint, it just wasn't as fulfilling as I wanted it to be. Then my thing to do morphed into writing this blog.

This blog has been very fulfilling. I love the introspection of it, the sharing, the drawing and creating virtual hugs for people who read it. I love expanding love. Apozitude is my bucket and I am filling it with love and each new person who reads it is helping me pour love all over the world.

I am very happy as I look forward to the expansion of Apozitude reaching people who need a little something in their lives to anticipate. Maybe you or someone you love needs a little reminder that often it is the little things that mean the most. One kind thing you express to a loved one or a stranger, may well be the one thing they needed that day to turn their attitude around to the sunnier side of things.

To summarize, not only have I provided the formula for a happy life, I have also provided a way to put the formula to work. Think of someone you love, maybe it's yourself. Now what can you do? You can read Apozitude and share it with your friends. What do you have to look forward to? That's easy. The next Apozitude post and the smile on someone's face when you share love with them. Welcome to an option for happiness.

Enjoy the Shift

Take a deep breath and know that there are no mistakes. Everything happens exactly as it is supposed to with lessons and growth that go beyond our current level of comprehension, so with that knowledge, take a deep breath and trust your "knowing" what is right for you.

What I know right now is that I am worthy. I am brilliant. And it feels so good to be in the realm of knowing. It feels so good to say it aloud. If you don't believe me, try it for yourself. Go ahead. Say it out loud.

I am worthy.

I am brilliant.

Everything is working out for me.

I am worthy of the perfection I am living right here in this crystal clear moment.

I am alive and it feels amazing. I love knowing there is a constant divine source of attention on me and the details of my life.

I know it feels a little weird at first, but with practice you'll begin to feel the shift. The shift you will feel is moving from a realm of doubt and cloudiness into clarity and knowing.

Not Your Typical Black Friday

Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving when according to the 2013 statistic approximately 141 million U.S. consumers went shopping. Keri and I had our plans for Black Friday. We were super excited, but our plan didn't include a sale, a mall or a store of any kind.

We did set our alarm, because we wanted to get our work out in, have some breakfast and I intended to go see my favorite little girls do their ballet. It turned out that ballet was cancelled for the day after Thanksgiving. Bummer!!! I did get to see the girls in their cute little ballet outfits anyway.

So, after I visited with the girls, their mom, dad and grandparents for a little bit I headed home. It was time to set out for our adventure for the day. We estimated it would take us about an hour to reach our destination and I was getting hungry. We stopped and got a small cup of soup for me to hold me over and then we made our way to Washougal, WA. where the cutest puppies in the whole wide world are born.

We sent the requested text message when we got to a certain point in our route and anxiously continued to our destination. The rain was coming down pretty good and we wondered where we would visit our puppy. We pulled up to the gate and there was another car there too.

Once the gate was opened we pulled forward and approached the house. As we headed in that direction we passed the horse pasture on the left. We found a gravely place to park near the house and the dude that open the gate let us know the puppies were in the barn.

We made our way towards the barn and Judy, our breeder, greeted us with hugs and a big'ol smile. The barn had other animals in there too, but we really wanted to see those puppies. Judy pointed us in their direction. Oh my goodness!!!! They are so cute!!! She said, "Get in there with them, play with them and love on them. The barn is a fantastic place for them to play with each other and stay out of the weather".

We entered the stall which had a pin around the border. The ground was covered with hay and there was a light clamped inside the stall. The barn had lights inside, but the light in the stall provided a bit more light. The sweet smell of puppy breath mixed with the smell of hay filled the air.

We picked them up and loved on them and they snuggled right into our necks and our jackets. It was the perfect visit. We received puppy kisses, puppy nuzzles and watched as they snuggled with each other and displayed the beginning developments of their personalities.

We visited with Judy as we loved on those adorable little bundles of fur. So sweet and totally mesmerizing. I had no idea I sat on a concrete floor covered with hay for an hour and a half. The time flew by so fast, but my butt was starting to send me little messages that it had had enough. The rest of me could have sat there for months.

There were two boys and seven girls. We will take one of the boys home with us when he is 9 weeks old. The other boy will stay with Judy's son. So, as Judy said, "Both boys will stay in the family". She is just the sweetest woman. We could not have asked for a better person to be raising our boy. We are excited to have you home with us Marbles.

Love at First Sight

One of the most exciting things in my world happened over the Thanksgiving weekend. Keri and I were at our friends house doing our Thanksgiving thing, chatting, eating, laughing and sharing.

As I was sitting at the table eating this delicious meal and thoroughly enjoying the lightness of the conversation I looked out the window. The evening was dark and there were lights on the leaves of the trees. It seemed to me the trees were standing outside giving me a friendly wave hello as the breeze was blowing through.

I looked over to my wife to see her adorable smile as she was enjoying the conversation with our friend and he was smiling his adorable bearded smile. I paused for a moment and smiled back at them and said, "This is the perfect Thanksgiving. The food is delicious, the company is fantastic and the ambiance is so relaxed". It was lovely.

After we finished dinner, our friend invited us to come sit in the kitchen and visit with him while he cleaned. The ease of the evening continued. We offered to help, but he wouldn't have it. So, we continued with conversation as he effortlessly weaved in and out of being busy with cleaning and maintaining the flow of conversation.

During the course of, after dinner, conversation and sipping sweet iced tea, Keri thought to check her e-mail. Why??? You my be wondering when all was going so perfectly. Well,... Let me tell you. We had been waiting for a response from our breeder, Judy. We knew it was Thanksgiving weekend and we weren't sure what plans she might have, but we also knew our puppy was to be 5 weeks old meaning old enough for a visit.

The response came that perfect night. Judy asked Keri in the e-mail if we were available the next day around 11am. We squealed with delight. Oh my goodness!!! We get to go see our puppy!!! The next 16 hours were full of Keri and I letting out little bursts of excitement, followed by either one of us saying, "I'm so excited!!!"

Where were you in 1993?

What do you now know that you didn't know a few hours ago? Well, let me tell you. I posed this question to myself last weekend and I didn't really have an answer at the moment, so I just let the question sit in my pages doc for a bit.

Later in the week the answer was revealed to me. However, I didn't realize at the time it was the answer. I simply posted another little reminder in my pages doc. Then this weekend as I was reviewing my ideas for blogs I realized I had posed this question at one point and later unknowingly presented the answer.

What I didn't know when I posed this question is that one of the worst years of my life, 1993, was one of the best years of someone else's life. Now in the grand scheme of things this should have been pretty clear to me, but I wasn't looking at the big picture.

I asked one of my co-workers this last week what year she was born and she said, "1993. What were you doing in 1993?". I reflected for a moment and informed her that I was going through the beginning stages of a divorce from my son's father.

She frowned a bit and said, "That's not a fun memory to associate with the year that I was born" and I said something along the lines of her being right, but now that I knew she was born in 1993 I had a much more positive association to that year. She smiled and said, "Well that's a very positive way of looking at it" and I agreed.

Haven't you ever had a not so great experience with a person of a certain name and then later in life met a new person with the same name? Automatically, you kinda feel icky towards that new person because of your past experience. Well, it's an opportunity to change the association with that name and the same goes for 1993. I am pleased to relate this year with the idea that my friend and co-worker was born that year. What a wonderful year.

Keeping it Simple

Sign of Intelligence? Sure, I'll give you that one.

Standing next to Keri in our socked feet prior to our work out one day this past weekend we were getting a bit of a chuckle out of the fact that our toes are so different. Her second toe is longer than her big toe and her third toe is about the same length as her big toe. My toes on the other hand are all incrementally smaller than the first. This is a big reason why she's so adept at all those damned balancing poses in yoga.

As we parted from the piggy comparison, Keri nonchalantly said in her dry all serious tone, "Having a longer second toe is a sign of intelligence" and I playfully retorted, "Yes, and allowing you to believe so, is too".

We had a good little laugh.

Disney presents,... Incentive

I did something this weekend that reminded me of being a little kid. It's not surprising really because I can be pretty immature sometimes. Although I prefer to reference it as being "child like" rather than childish or immature. I guess it depends on who's telling the story. LOL

When I was a kid I often would wait until Sunday to do my homework. I would not only wait until Sunday, I would wait until right before The Wonderful World of Disney aired on Sunday evening. I wanted to watch that program so bad it was a great incentive for my mom to use. Back then there was no Disney Channel or Cartoon Network that played cartoons and Disney shows 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. There was cartoon day (Saturday morning 8-12) and The Wonderful World of Disney (Sunday evening 7-8).

The opening of The Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom was like my warning bell along with my mom's warning, "It's only an hour now until Disney, you'd better finish your homework". I really liked Wild Kingdom too and it was quite distracting, but I had to finish homework because Disney was like the holy grail before the school week started. Disney deserved 100% of my attention, unlike Wild Kingdom or my homework. :)

The thing I did this weekend was wait until Sunday to write my 5 blogs for the week. I usually try to write a couple or at least get started on a couple of ideas during the week. Then do a little more writing on Friday when I am off work from my paying job, so I only have to finish up on Saturday and Sunday. It takes a great deal of love, dedication and good time management skills to have a full time job, have a successful relationship and write and illustrate a blog that posts 5 days a week. I love it though. It is such a wonderful form of therapy for me.

I love writing about things that have challenged me and about finding my way to a better way of living for me. I like sharing this process and providing an opportunity for others to see that living a happy life is as easy as a single choice, even if you have to rededicate yourself to that single choice time and time again, which I do. Even though there have been some dark and challenging times in my life and there could be in your life too right this very minute, my hope is that Apozitude will create a flicker of hope. A break in the darkness, a smile on your face and a sense of levity that could bring awareness that there is, in fact, a choice for happiness.

So, yes, I did wait this week until right before The Wonderful World of Disney to write and illustrate the 5 blogs I present to you this week, but I guarantee you won't notice a change in your subscription this week. There will be an Apozitude e-mail in your inbox every day this week and hopefully there will be a little something in one of them that lightens your day. Unless of course, you don't subscribe and then you'll just have to hope you catch my post on Facebook or you remember to look it up on line. Why not just go ahead and subscribe? You know you don't wanna miss a single post.

Relearning Self Soothing

I am applying myself just a little bit more every day to the process of being happy and maintaining my own happiness. I am talking further and further about the good feeling feelings that I am having. When I slip into recognizing something that doesn't feel good I am going to go easy on myself and encourage myself to let it go. I am going to soothe myself into a better feeling place.

"I just decided to chill more. I just decided to focus on the best feeling things in my day. I decided to get a better nights sleep. I decided to get up in the morning and get off on a better foot. I decided to direct my thoughts towards things that feel good. I've discovered what a magnificent world this is and I love this world and all the people in it. I am finding so many things in every day to praise and appreciate and I think that's what's made the difference for me." paraphrased from an Abraham-Hicks video on YouTube.

This is the difference I want in my life. There is nothing I can do about what you choose to focus upon and how that choice makes you to feel. I love you very much, but time and time again I come to this realization that I can not want it bad enough for you. You have to want the difference in your life for it to work for you, but I have every reason to be conscientious about my focus. I am making a promise to myself to focus on the best feeling thing I can find in my right here right now

I make healthy choices. I am alive and well and I am just allowing myself to get weller.

Yes, I said Dangly Ear Rings and Pom Poms

I think it was right about the time that I was 5 years old that I remember liking the feeling of being thought of as a boy. My feelings ran the gamut through my life on this subject. When I was young before I knew what being gay meant, I really liked the idea of being mistaken for a boy. I liked to play out side, climb trees, play sports, and I distinctly remember liking to push the merry-go-round when the girls would pile on for a spin. It seems like I enjoyed making them squeal with joy as I spun them around on that faster faster faster merry-go-round.

I can remember one of my friends from kindergarten telling me when we were a little older, probably 4th or 5th grade that she remembered me from the very first day of kindergarten. She remembered that I was wearing a green pants outfit with what she remembers as cowboy boots. I don't remember having any green pants outfit or cowboy boots, but I remember how I felt when she said she thought I was a boy. Even as a 4th or 5th grader it created this sort of beaming feeling in me from the inside. I think because it felt more like a fit for me at the time than not knowing what my confusing feelings were about having crushes on girls.

What I wonder is how does such a little kid grasp the concept of feeling confused? I guess it has to do with societal constructs. I mean at that time and in that region of the country there were no examples of being gay. I had no point of reference. All the couples I saw were male/female and the only rational thing that made sense to me was that I wanted to be a boy.

Then there was the time in my life when I was desperately tying to create and maintain the facade that I was a "normal" girl and that I liked boys. To prove my point in my social realm, even as young as 7th grade I did things with boys that only girls that liked boys would do. (I feel an apology to my mom would be appropriate right about now. I'm sorry if this is a surprise to you, Mom.)

It wasn't until I was 17 that I actually needed birth control, but I did start messing around as early as 7th grade. It felt awful. I didn't like the way it felt doing it. I didn't like the feeling of rumors being spread about me by my friends, but the confusing part was, I did like the feeling of doubt being removed regarding whether or not I was "normal". It was the weirdest conflicting situation I can ever recall. I am so glad, I mean I can't even tell you how glad I am that those days of confusion are over.

In high school I was on the drill team, which I prefer to call the pom pom squad because we never did ANY choreographed routines with riffles or flags. All the performances we ever did were dance routines with pom poms to music. I even dated a football player. I wore an upper class man's class ring. I wore make up and dangly ear rings. Hell! I did every single thing I thought I could do to divert all attention away from the fact that I had a huge crush on a girl, who just happened to be the captain of the "pom pom" squad.

I simply can not tell you how happy I am now to be the woman that I am. I am a woman that loves her wife. I am so blessed to live in a place and a time that accepts and embraces the love that I have for my wife. It is my sincere desire that all love is accepted and the confusion that I endured will be a distant and unfathomable memory.

My Vow, My Quest

As a person that works with people it is my fervent effort to keep at the forefront of my mind that it is NOT what I do that will make the strongest impression, rather it is the feeling people have as they share time with me and what they carry with them as they depart into their day. The best way I know to have an amazing and transcendent impression on someone is to be very focused on keeping myself in a happy place. I can choose to let go of any little annoyance and I have the power to focus on what pleases me.

I have a little post-it note up at my desk that reads, "I vow to offer the best of myself today". The thing for me to remember is to be easy on myself. My best will vary from day to day, even moment to moment, as I have encounters with people and process and deal with those experiences.

I am the only one that can determine how important is it to me to be happy. I like having fun. I like feeling love. I like being real with people. I enjoy my exuberance for life. It may be too much for some, but it's the perfect amount for me and it seems to be working just fine for me.

So, when given the choice, which is every single time, I will do my best to ignore annoyances and focus on things that please me. It's one coin and there will always be two sides. My quest, find the good.

Freedom Project

The other day I was on my way to work and this soothing reassuring feeling came over me and the words that ran through my mind went like this, "Today is full of opportunities. Every opportunity that I'm faced with today has two options. One that supports my intention to feel good and one that doesn't. Today it is my intention to choose the best feeling thought, action or response that assists me with my long term alignment."

I practice everyday placing purposeful intention towards the best feeling situation, because I know that like energy attracts like energy. I want the best of the best that life has to offer. I'm not perfect and I have my trips and slips, but with practice the recovery time is much shorter than it used to be. This pleases me.

I wanted to share an amazing conversation I had the opportunity to participate in other day. I was chatting on the phone and a friend of mine was telling me that she was going through a divorce. I asked her how she was doing and she laughed a bit and said, "I am just enjoying the process of my freedom project".

I asked her if it was ok for me to share this in my blog because I really liked the perspective she was choosing. Divorce is difficult in the best of circumstances, but to be seeing this event in her life as a "Freedom Project" was very moving and yet another perfect example of making a choice to place purposeful intention towards the best feeling thing in that situation.

What ever the question, LOVE is the answer. Weather it is self love or love for another, love will always feel good.

Simple Kind of Man

I was sitting in a little pub this last week doing a little bit of writing while I was waiting for Keri to get off work. I had my headphones on, as I always do when I am writing, to assist with keeping me focused. I tend to be more people oriented than task oriented. I have to wear my headphones to mask the sound of voices, so I can pretend I am in my own little world. Otherwise, I would never be able to keep myself from participating in conversations. I even wear them at home.

Anyway, that was a little bit of a bunny trail, because what I intended to write about is the fact that even with my headphones on I happen to notice a song playing in the pub. It was Lynyrd Skynyrd's Simple Kind of Man. I'm not really a Skynyrd fan and I couldn't even tell you off the top of my head another song by this group (Keri interjects, “Really, how about Free Bird”). So, why did I notice this song? Well, that's what I am just about to tell you.

Several years back there actually was a time when more phone calls went to cell phones than text messages. It's true!!! Remember???? and we wanted to know exactly who was calling, so we assigned certain songs to certain people, so when that song played through our phones we knew who was calling. Well, I discovered that the song my son, Garrison, assigned to me was Simple Kind of Man. I had not heard, rather did not remember ever hearing this song. It certainly was not familiar to me. I don't remember inquiring too much about the song at the time, the information just sort of got filed away in my mind, perhaps because I wasn't familiar,... I'm not really sure.

For some reason the other day when I heard it in that pub, it kinda stuck out and I jotted the title down in my notes. I asked Keri about the song later in the day and she gave me her perception of the song and it touched me deeper. I thought to myself how touching that my teenage son, at the time, would choose this song as his ring tone for me.

I came home and looked up the song on YouTube. I have listened to it about 5 or 12 times and it gives me cold chills every single time. I've listened to it on repeat as I write this blog. I love my son so much and it touches my heart deeply to know that he paid attention to the heartfelt talks we had in an attempt on my part to gently guide him into a happy self sufficient positively contributing member of society. It was my intention throughout his life to share with him in a myriad of ways this message, "I am your momma and you are my son. It's true that I'm older than you, but that doesn't mean I always know what is best for you. Before you are my son, you are your own person and this is your life. You have to live it your way. I won't always agree with your decisions, but that will never stop me from loving you".

Wear Your Kindness on the Outside

You never know when you might come across someone who is right in the perfect place to receive the blessing of your kindness. I stopped by the gas station down the street from my house last week to fill up. I went to this particular gas station because I wanted to check in on a guy I met there the last time I got gas.

Not this most recent time, but the previous time, I pulled in and rolled down my window to discover this sweet faced scruffy haired man with what looked like a bite right through his bottom lip. Being the curious sort that I am, I asked him, "Oh Man!!! What happened to your lip?" and without a second thought he told me about his seizure disorder.

He recently had a grand mal seizure and bit down on his bottom lip, almost all the way through. I cringed a bit and said, "Oh geez! I am so sorry. That looks really painful. I have a seizure disorder too and I have never had that happen". He was very sweet and open about his condition as was I and I told him I sincerely hoped he found the right combination of meds to get control. He thanked me and I went on my way.

I have thought about him often ever since. When I pass the gas station I look for him because when someone has a seizure disorder and their condition isn't under control you just never know what might happen. Nobody is promised tomorrow and a seizure disorder kinda increases your odds, ya know?

When I realized I needed gas I knew exactly where I was going. My hope was that he would be working that day and as luck would have it, he was there. I pulled up to the pump, rolled down my window, turned the radio down and made my request for a fill up. He said, "Coming right up".

Once he started pumping the gas he turned away from the car and I checked to insure I was the only car there and then poked my head out the window. I said, " I think of you every time I drive by here" with a friendly smile. He spun around and tilted his head in a inquisitive manner and gestured towards himself as he clarified, "You mean the station or me specifically?" I let him know it was him specifically and reminded him about our conversation.

He updated me on his seizure activity and said, "Every day I wake up, I just keep coming to work and try to focus on the good in my life". I took that as the perfect opportunity to let him know about this blog. I gave him one of my cards and explained what Apozitude was about and he shared some other challenges with me that I will respectfully keep to myself. I told him to keep his chin up, not in those exact words, but to remember that more people than he realizes are pulling for him. He told me he has heard some pretty amazing things and that the big guy upstairs was good to him.

I hope he looks up this blog and sees that he has touched someones life.

Yup, It was the Chicken Pillow

I don't know if any of you have ever encountered this situation, but I thought I'd share just in case anyone else has had this perplexing experience. I feel fine, actually I feel great. I have lots of energy and feel an overall exuberance for life. I dance through my days and generally have fun every day. However, when I go to bed, all of a sudden I get a stuffed up nose. I'm not able to breath through my nose at all and I start sneezing quite a bit.

I wake up with puffy eyes, a very dry mouth (from mouth breathing all night) and completely clogged up. The last time this was happening to me I discovered I was either allergic to or severely sensitive to my pillow. It was a down pillow, but I not so affectionately referred to it as my chicken pillow.

The pokey end of the feathers would stick out and poke me in the uber sensitive parts of my neck, like right behind my ear, and I would just hunt for the pokey end and pull that sucker right out. It was often the middle of the night, so I would just throw it on the floor. Some times I'd set it on my night stand, but for real it was a feather, so it inevitably it would end up on the floor anyway.

I finally went to my naturopath and he suggested that I "cook" my pillows. What? You want me to do what to my pillows? He suspected I wouldn't know what he was talking about and my facial expression confirmed his suspicion, so he quickly suggested placing the pillows in the dryer on the highest heat available for about 30 minutes.

OK, but why? Why? Oh, to kill dust mites. Ewe! WARNING!!! DO NOT GOOGLE DUST MITES!!!! It will creep you out. There, now, I am not responsible if you get a wild hair and decide to look it up anyway. That shit is on you, cuz I warned you. Just know that I'm still trying to shake the heebie-geebies from looking it up myself for this blog. Ewe.

You don't have to look up dust mites to start cooking your pillows. You could simply trust me and start cooking your pillows today and be free of congestion, sneezing and puffy eyes caused by these little buggers. Oh and I should also mention that I no longer have a chicken pillow, more commonly known as a down pillow. I switched to a hypoallergenic pillow. Ahhhh, much better.

The Dangers of Going Girlie

How come nobody warned me? Why didn't someone take me aside and give me a slight indication? I really had no idea that going girlie would have hazards to my health. What? You didn't know either? Wow! I am really glad to be able to offer this information.

One of the possible dangers of getting girlie is when you let your hair grow out you might be inclined to twirl your hair. You may think this is a harmless act, however prolonged hair twirling can create an achy shoulder, elbow, forearm and hand. Obviously, I have a hair twirling problem.

My massage therapist asked me this last week, "What's going on with your left shoulder?". I admitted to her that I hadn't quit twirling my hair. "What?", she exclaimed, "What am I doing here? I am trying to help heal your muscles and you haven't quit that yet?" I turned to her with a big'ol guilty smile on my face, with my index finger to my lips as I jokingly shushed her. I said, "Shhhh, don't tell anyone". Then vowed to stop. I never really thought about my hair twirling having a serious affect on anything, but it turns out it is harmful and kinda painful to me and creates more work for her.

This new perspective will have a stronger impact on my choice to say NO to the twirling.

Tree in the Wind

I don't how many of you have tried yoga, but I've been dabbling with yoga for probably five years or so, give or take a little. When I say dabbling with yoga, I mean following different yoga classes on several different work out dvd series that we do at home. I haven't really had any formal yoga training. Well, that's not exactly true. My boss at work did provide a yoga instructor one day a week during our lunch for a period of time. I don't remember how long it was, but it definitely was a novice level class.

Anyway, the reason I brought it up today is because Keri and I did a yoga work out today and I don't know if it has anything to do with my Fred Flintstone toes or what, but my balancing poses are a total crack up. My balancing tree with hands in prayer DOES NOT exist. I can get in balancing tree but my tree is definitely enduring some kind of wind storm. I can't even get my hands in prayer. Maybe that's why it's not working.

My hands are always waving in the breeze trying to assist with balance. I think my stubby little toes provide little support in a one legged balancing pose. Keri on the other hand has long grippy toes and she stands so still and poised in her balancing tree pose with her hands perfectly and peacefully pressed together in prayer.

News Flash

New flash people: It, whatever "it" is, will always….yes I said ALWAYS, be in the very last place you look. You can't find your keys? You look on the table by the front door. Nope. In your jacket pocket hanging in the closet? Nope. On the kitchen counter? Nope. How about on your dresser in the bedroom? YES!!! There they are. What do you know? They were in the very last place I looked.

Of course. Wouldn't you be kinda crazy to keep looking for them once you found it? Just sayin'.

This actually is a case when you can say ALWAYS.

The "More"

Just in case you were wondering, the answer is YES, there is more to that Don't Frazzle my Dazzle story. There is always more to the story. This time, I think the "more" is important to share. So, why didn't I share it in the original blog? To be completely honest the "more" to that story threw me for a loop yesterday and I was pretty well exhausted when I wrote the original version last night, BUT this morning, after a couple slight adjustments I am feeling a resurgence of dazzle.

I knew when I wrote that blog last night that I wanted to share the "more" because I led out with,"I think it's important to share these experiences,....", but I also knew I had to respect the space that I was in and honor my true self by holding back for the moment. I am so glad I waited to share that portion of the story, because I am in a much clearer space and I have some insight now that I didn't have last night.

So, the rest of the story is that, as I was talking to one of my favorite patients, I actually told him that I was grateful to be spending that moment with him because I was anticipating the arrival of a person who I've had several negative encounters with in the past. Which is true and I won't go into specifics because it doesn't create good feelings in me to do so and I care enough about how I feel to leave it in the past.

HOLY COW!!!

Paradigm shift!!!

I just realized that as I am retelling this story I noted in the previous paragraph that I care enough about how I feel to leave the details in the past. However, it seems the retelling of this story reveals that I could care a little more, otherwise, I wouldn't have carried those feelings from the past regarding the negative encounters person to my experience yesterday. So, why is it ok to write about it now?

The determining factor in all cases when you are retelling a story is how does it make you feel? Does it feel good? Does it make you feel alive? Does it feel icky? Does it insight anger as you retell it? If it feels good? Tell it! Talk about why it feels good. Really feel the good and more of those experiences will come to you. Same things goes for the icky and the angry, though too, when you retell it and really feel those feelings again more of "THAT" it will come to you. You have amazing magical powers, be sure you're using them with intention.

Does it feel good to admit that I was judging a man for his past behaviors? No, not one of my prouder moments, but how do I feel telling you about it? I feel amazing because I learned something about myself. I learned that I am pretty good at having control of myself when I am dealing with myself. Being aware of controlling what I say and do and how it makes me feel. However, it seems more practice is in order when dealing with people and situations that are out of my control, which to be honest is MOST things, right? And ALL people.

Erase the past by letting it go. It doesn't feel good to hold on to it anyway. Just let it go. Free up your hands to take ahold of the reins and harness that positive emotion to create a brighter tomorrow. I am a happy person. I am a spreader of love and joy. I have a strong desire to encounter people and for them to depart feeling better having seen me.

Don't Frazzle my Dazzle

I think it's important to share these experiences, because it sheds light on things that might tend to be kept in the dark. I was having an amazing day today. I danced all the way to work, listening to a specific play list that Keri created. It has a ton of awesome feeling songs on it. When I listen to certain songs that get me excited about my life and all the wonderful things that are happening I just have to move, and by move I mean groove. Dance! Feeling pure love energy flowing to me and through me. It always feels so amazing and all I can see is smiles.

I was soaring high. One of my favorite patients came into the office and we were talking about some challenges he was experiencing in his work. Managerial problems and how he knew he was allowing someone to have power over him, holding him apart from his natural awesomeness. Well, earlier in the day, my mail person came by and I greeted her with exuberance as I was approaching the door to lock it for lunch and I was happy to have her arrive right at that moment, so I could accept the mail. She said when she saw my enthusiasm, "You may not be happy when you see what I've got for you".

It was a postage due slip. You might be thinking, why would you care about a postage due slip. Well, the previous day I received one as well and we ran into a just enough change issue and she thought I might be upset by the reoccurrence. I replied, "Oh I wouldn't think of allowing such a thing to affect my happiness" as I casually went back to my bosses office and found the change I needed to pay the postage.

I shared this little story with my patient in an effort to assist him with his situation. He agreed he was allowing another persons behavior to affect his level of happiness. We seemed to see eye to eye on this particular topic. It was a good conversation about being accountable for our choices.

We discussed how practicing maintaining our level of happiness regarding small circumstances on a regular basis, such as not having enough change for postage helps us to be more prepared when bigger circumstances present themselves. The example we discussed was preparing yourself for difficult balancing poses in yoga. You can't just enter an advanced class and expect to be able to a firefly pose right out of the gate. You have to warm up and practice your flexibility. You have to train yourself.

The same goes for life's most challenging situations. When you practice dealing with smaller issues and maintaining your level of happiness, I promise you will find it much easier to deal with those more difficult situations. When you practice, you will find yourself recovering much quicker when you do encounter a situation that gets you frazzled.

Blessed Beyond Words

Hey, have you ever had one of those days? I'm sure you have. You know the kind of day where it seems like no matter what you're doing, every little thing you attempt seems to work out just perfectly. You drive up to the light and just as you think to lift your foot off the gas to press the break, the light turns green and with ease you simply make your way through traffic. Even better, you begin a conversation with someone and some magical power, or so it seems, places all the perfect words in your mouth to enable you to effortlessly connect with that person in a way that you know touches them in a deep and meaningful way. It's kinda like you are living the reality of that movie with Matt Damon, The Adjustment Bureau. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it.

Well, today was one of those days for me. It was a most amazing day in my life. Everything seemed to work out perfectly. I have been tapped in, tuned in and turned on all day long. Here is a tiny snippet from my day as an example, A brand new patient walks in my office and I greet him and ask him, "How are you?" His response was something along the lines of panicked and rushed. The next words I spoke came to me so effortlessly it was as if I was surprised by my response as the words fell out of my mouth.

I said, "Well, I am calm and poised and you have just entered my world so have a seat and feel the calm embrace you". I could feel myself do a double take on the inside like, What? what did you just say? We chatted briefly about being real, avoiding bull shit, having magical powers and dental insurance. He had his appointment, got scheduled for his next and was walking out the door. Before he crossed the threshold he spun around and looked around the waiting room and said in a puzzled tone, "I feel like I'm leaving something behind,..." I smiled and said, " You are. You don't have that panicked and rushed feeling anymore". He smiled a knowing smile, waved goodbye and said "Yup that's it" as he walked out the door.

I am loving my life. I am feeling absolutely amazing about my perfect place in the world. Everything is working out perfectly in big and small ways. I love it. I want to shout it from the mountains tops. Thank you to all you beautiful cooperative components. I am a blessed woman.

Tickle Fight Safe Words

When I was a little girl, I loved to play the tickle game with my daddy. He would tickle me as much and more than I wanted. You know how when you're being tickled and you're having so much fun, laughing and wrestling around and then you playfully start begging for them to stop, but it goes on for a little while longer. Then you can't breathe and it gets to be more serious. Well, we had rules for just such an occasion. I would breathlessly yell at him to stop it as I was laughing my little guts out. He would ask, "Stomp it?" and continue to tickle me and as I was gasping for air, I'd holler, "No! Daddy!!! STOP!!!".

The other rule was whenever I said, "above the line", he was supposed to only tickle me above my belly button, because I was SO terribly ticklish on my legs and feet that I couldn't handle it below the line. So, in theory he was supposed to tickle my ribs or neck. When I was laughing so hard that I couldn't breath, I would yell, "Above the line" and he would keep tickling me and jokingly ask, "Buff the Lion?". I LOVED it and it really pissed me off at the same time.

I still love tickle fights. Keri and I have tickle fights sometimes and she ALWAYS wins. She is a little longer limbed than me and this adds leverage to her advantage. The differences between tickling with Keri and my Dad are many, but the main things to me are that my Dad was way bigger than me, MUCH stronger and Keri is more respectful of my demands for air.

I do miss my Dad sometimes and I'm glad to have fun memories with him, but my tickle fights with him are a mixed bag of feelings. Tickle fights with Keri over the years taught me a great deal about respect. Garrison and I used to have tickle fights too and I admit that I tickled him longer that he wanted me to at times. It wasn't until I had tickle fights with Keri that I was able to establish a rule with Garrison during our tickle fights that actually worked.

We agreed that part of the fun was to yell, "Stop it!" as someone was tickling you, but when you REALLY wanted them to stop the ultimate STOP phrase was, "Respect my wishes". These words carried over into other areas of our lives and it's really amazing how these three little words ended up being so empowering, not only to Garrison, but to myself as well.

When phrased is such a way, how could you do anything but respect someone's wishes? This is not to be confused with the fact that I always did what Garrison wanted, because I certainly did not. However, it did frame our relationship with respect and I did always attempt to be respectful of his feelings. Respect is a very valuable quality to have in any relationship. I think it's overlooked sometimes in reference to children because we as adults think we know what is best for them, but what could be better for them than respecting their wishes whenever possible and being a living example of a quality we hope they carry forward into all of their relationships. Especially the relationship we're developing with them this very moment.

Chat with a Stranger

Well, well,... what do you know? It turns out there's some science behind my mode of operation. I was listening to a video about the multitude of benefits related to meditation on www.scientificamerican.com, when I discovered another video about how talking to strangers makes you happy.

A study was done in Chicago where some commuters on the subway were asked to engage in conversation with strangers, while others were asked to sit silently and keep to themselves. Once these commuters reached their destination they were asked to participate in a survey. The results surprise the participants and revealed that those who engaged in conversation had the most enjoyable experience and those that remained solitary had the least enjoyable experience. Interesting.

A separate group of people who did not participate in the experiment where asked to predict how they would feel in each situation and they surprisingly reported they thought the solitary experience would be better and the number one reason was they, wrongly suspected that strangers would not want to talk with them.

We are social creatures and studies have shown that we enjoy engaging in casual conversation with each other. I am not saying that all people feel this way all the time or that one way is better than the other. All I am saying is I find it interesting. I have done a multitude of similar studies throughout my life time and my findings have been similar. I have a most enjoyable experience when I engage with strangers. I'll admit not 100% of the time because I have encountered a stranger or two who seemed to perceive me talking to them as an intrusion, but I don't let that bother me. I like my friendly self and I enjoy connecting with people.

My feelings are simple and they make me happy. If we are going to be spending time together on an elevator, in a restaurant, in a waiting room, on a train, while you're providing a service to me or whatever the circumstance is, we might as well enjoy the NOW that we get to share together. So, why not be friends even if only for NOW.

Things Can Change

I can't make you love me - Bonnie Raitt. I can't make you love me if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something it won't. Here in the dark in these final hours. I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power, but you won't. 'Cuz I can't make you love me if you don't. I'll close my eyes, then I won't see the love you don't feel when you're holding me. Morning will come and I'll do what's right, but give me 'til then to give up this fight. And I will give up this fight. 'Cuz I can't make you love me if you don't.

When I hear this song I always take a moment to listen and remember how real these feelings were to me at one time in my life. I do love the piano and the deep emotion in her voice that is so real it's palpable. I was in a relationship in the past that made me feel so sad, empty and unloved that I wanted to die. You may be wondering why I take time to listen to a song that brings up such a dark place in my life. I guess I'd have to say remembering those days and that relationship makes today and what I have now feel so much sweeter. I much prefer the feelings of sweet love and gratitude I feel now in comparison to the dreadfully sad and lonely feelings of the past.

The past is the past and I can't change it. I've thought many times how I would love to change what I experienced back then, but I've come to terms with it. I have decided I wouldn't want to change it if I could because even though it was a horribly depressing time of my life and there were times I thought I might not survive it, when I look back I can remember bright shiny spots that helped me get through it. Besides, I wouldn't be the person I am today had I not gone through all of that stuff. It was pretty shitty stuff, but I am grateful.

What I have come to know is that I can't make anyone love me, but what I can do is love myself. I feel now that I do love myself. I can tell because I enjoy doing things for myself, such as meditation, soaking in an Epsom salt bath, coating myself in coconut oil everyday after my shower, working out and eating healthy. It seems too that all the wonderful people in my life choose to love me too. I am so grateful for the tremendous shift in my life. I give love and I receive love. It started with me and wanting a better life for myself.

The end of, I can't make you love me, when the piano has a lighter trickling off feels like it might have been a premonition from the past, a sign to me of the love that was to come. My hope in sharing this dark part of my life and the transformation that occurred is that someone in their own dark place may stumble across this blog and in reading this feels a flicker of hope that change is possible for them. We all have the power to make a change.

Tyler Durden, Dismissed

️I woke up this morning thinking about Tyler Durden. For those of you who don't know who he is, let me give you a brief explanation. Tyler Durden is a character from the movie Fight Club and this is what he says about himself, which in turn says it all,... "All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look the way you wanna look, I fuck the way you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways you are not." Tyler Durden is the alter ego of the main character Jack.

So why did I wake up thinking about this character who is a delusion of a fictional character. Well, I am not exactly sure, but while discussing it with Keri I said something along the lines that everyone would probably like to have a Tyler Durden in their life and she said except that Jack went a little psycho to get his Tyler Durden.

I wasn't really thinking about the "going a little psycho" part of that scenario, I was thinking more about being free, about letting go of concerns about what other people think about me and my choices. I was thinking about the freedom of being true to myself without being dissuaded by concerns of what others think.

I guess if you were a psychotic delusion of a fictional character there would be no consequences of totally disregarding all opinions. So is it even reasonable for a real person to desire such a thing? It seems to me that a compassionate person would take into consideration the feelings of others and come to some sort of compromise.

I don't want to be an aggressive person that doesn't take others feelings into consideration. I like the sweet person that I am. I believe I am more assertive than I have ever been, and I am happy with the freedom I have to be me. I am eager for more expansion.

You Matter

I think it's pretty easy to state things in a positive manner, but I have been practicing for a very long time. Here's a fine example. I like the way, "Please remember" sounds as opposed to, "Don't forget". Personally, I am more inclined to remember something when it's phrased in this manner. Perhaps it's because, "Please remember" feels like a polite request and a considerate reminder. Where as, "Don't Forget" feels more like a doubting order.

When I meet someone new or learn their name after I've known them for a while and I want to remember their name, I say their name, "Meredith" and then I say, "I will remember your name is Meredith". It really helps me. It is important to me to remember a person's name.

It seems to me when you're able to call someone by their name it creates value in the relationship. It says to someone, "You matter...." and I like cultivating that feeling in people.

I'm Number One??? Thank you. :)

There are some slight nuances to being a positively focused person. For instance it takes only a moment to carefully consider the way you say things when communicating with others that will create your exact intention rather than accidentally offending someone. If you are trying to explain a situation and you're not quite sure how to say what you are intending without saying the wrong words, simply state this fact.

Personally, I would much rather announce my inability to think of the right words than use the wrong words and offend someone. Let's be perfectly clear here too. I'm not in any way, shape, or form implying that I am always able to manage this task. I have placed my foot quite firmly and completely in my mouth a time or two before and I find it to be uncomfortable and embarrassing. I'd rather not have to apologize and clarify that offending someone really was not my intention.

Recently though, I was in a couple of situations just exactly like this and in one circumstance I knew I was thinking of ALL the wrong words to say, so I simply stated the fact, "I can't think of the right words right now to correctly convey what I'm trying to say,..." it only took me a little bit more effort to explain this and it was totally fine.

In the other situation, I wasn't quite that cool. I actually told Keri while she was trying on new glasses that she could present herself with a little more flair. Yikes!!! Her appropriate response for the misunderstanding was to give me a single finger salute. I wasn't implying that she didn't have any flair. I was simply saying the possibility exists that she could, if she chose to, present herself with more flair. I apologized for the misunderstanding and clarified what I was intending and all was fine, but see what I mean?

Yes, it's a mindful choice to be considerate of others feelings and personally, I feel it's worth the effort. However, I also know that I am only human and do not expect myself to be perfect. So when I do insert my foot into my mouth, I am mindful of myself as well. I don't beat myself up and I chose to go easy on myself, because I know my heart and my intentions.

Going LIVE in,...3, 2, 1!!!

I just want to take a moment to share some real feelings I have had over the last few days. Not to imply that I am usually not sharing real feelings in here, but I had a slight little scare. As you probably know if you're an avid reader, Keri and I went to NYC for a week recently and I know I have made my feelings clear about NYC, but I want to bring it full circle.

We got home on Thursday Oct. 16th and by Sunday Oct. 19th I was still wiped out from my NYC experience. I was so tired and sort of felt like I had lost my luster a bit. I was writing for my blog to post for the upcoming week and I was not feeling motivated or inspired. I had a fleeting fearful thought, Could I be done writing Apozitude? I just am not feeling the usual zest and passion I usually feel. I felt like I was writing CRAP.

It felt like I was only giving 3%, but my energy level was ZAPPED!!! I was not liking how NYC MADE me feel. I talked to Keri about my feelings of doubt and she helped me see things a little clearer. Now it is Wednesday Oct. 22 and I have had some time to get back into my routine. I started working out and meditating again. It is amazing how a slight shift can throw you totally off your axis and send you swirling out of control and doubting your true path.

I am feeling like I have regained my balance and I am pleased to announce that I am grateful for the time I spent in NYC. Being home and reflecting on the wonderful experiences we had creates appreciation and gratitude. I love my life. I love exploring and I love being home.

Silence, meditation and time to myself, my true self, resuscitated Apozitude. And we're on again. Thank you.