One of the many reasons I love my life is directly related to this blog. I really am surprised how much I love writing, although I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. I've kept a journal of some sort all my life. The first journal that sticks in my mind is one I kept when I was 12. It had a red and green plaid fabric cover. Oh how I wish I still had that preteen drama love struck filled book, alas, I can distinctly recall throwing it in a dumpster long about 18 years old.
The only reason that particular journal sticks out in my mind is because of a single entry. I remember on my 13th birthday I wrote in red ink. I was wrought with so much conflict and unrequited love. Seventh grade is difficult for most people and I am not saying that my seventh grade experience was more difficult than others, but from my confused perspective it sure did seem like it. I was in love with one or two of my friends and both of them were, of course, interested in boys. One of them, in fact, had a crush on the boy that I was pretending to have a crush on to blend in and divert attention away from my true feelings towards my friends.
One night one of those friends (true crush) was spending the night at my house and the boy I was pretending to have a crush on called my house. He asked to speak to my friend and before they got off the phone they were going together. Talk about a broken heart. Pretend crush boy asks real crush girl and she says yes. 12-10-1982 - Broken hearted little confused gay girl writes in red on her 13th birthday how she doesn't think she can go on living this painfully confusing life. I tried to think of ways to end my life and I even tried, but I just didn't have quite enough torment to follow through. I had my coping mechanisms that helped me get through those tough times.
Luckily, my mom was willing and able to send me to counseling. I don't remember sharing those suicidal feelings with my mom, but she paid very close attention to me and she had me in counseling at a very early age. I had people I could talk to, I have always known beyond a shadow of a doubt that my mom loved me and I had my writing.
So, I guess it's pretty clear I wasn't ever able to go through with any of those thoughts of ending it all and what the hell does all that downer stuff have to do with a blog called Apozitude???? Well, I'll tell you. I spoke to a friend of mine today that has been following this blog and telling her friends about it. She told me today that one of my blogs was a life changer for her. A life changer. I'm not implying that she was having suicidal thoughts, I just mean that something I wrote changed her perspective and changed her life. That is pretty fucking awesome and that is just one of many reasons I love writing this blog. It brings tears of joy to my eyes and fills my heart with hope that writing my little stories can have such an affect on a person. It just takes a slight shift in the perspective of one person the change the world.
One person at a time, I intend to have a positive affect on the world and facilitate change that will create a better place to be. Starting with me and starting now.
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