Effective immediately!!!

Sometimes you go on an innocent little errand, such as, one day this last week when I went on my lunch break to buy a birthday present for my wife. I went to the Hair of the Dog tasting room to buy a shirt that Keri mentioned she was interested in having the last time we were there. I remembered because I noted it in my phone. I have to admit I rock at everyday little ways to make someone feel special, but when it comes to special events, like birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and Valentines day, I kinda suck. Despite what people choose to believe, the truth is, knowing is half the battle and I know that in the past I have kinda sucked at special events. Therefore, my awareness has conditioned me to make adjustments that result in improvements.

I make notes in my phone. I don't remember and I know I don't remember, so I read my notes. My notes landed me at the Hair of the Dog tasting room the day before Keri's birthday. I knew exactly what I was there to buy and I went directly to it. I was standing at the bar waiting for the waitress to come over and ask me how she could help me. There was a gentleman sitting at the bar eating lunch and the waitress was tending to other people, but when she walked over towards our end of the bar, I looked at the man sitting there and gestured towards the waitress. I said to him loud enough for her to hear, Doesn't she have beautiful eyes?

He smiled at me and said, "Yes, she does and I was thinking that earlier but just hadn't said anything." The waitress smiled as she looked over towards us and said, "I was needing something today and that was it, Thank you." I smiled back at her and looked at the guy sitting at the bar. He had his hand in the air inviting me to give him a high-five. So, I did and I said, "See it, call it. Am I right?" He agreed.

I went on my way after procuring the item I was there to retrieve. The words, see it, call it, really resonated with me. They kinda tumbled around in my brain the rest of the day. Later in the afternoon, I decided to implement these 4 words as a new policy for my life.

How could this go wrong? The only stipulation, is it will have to be approached in a mindful manner. You can't just call out everything you see. So, I decided, as with many things the aspect of being mindful is very important, but if you see someone who has an appealing attribute mention it. It will probably make their day. You know what happens when you make someone else's day? It kinda makes your day too. If you come across a situation that hurts your feelings, call it out with a mindful intention. This will only contribute to your growth and expansion.

New policy, effective immediately! See it, call it with mindful intention.

Angel who?

Why are people so hard on themselves? Why do people put themselves last? Why do people get right in their own damn way of growth? I am seriously asking these questions because I am trying to figure out the answers to my own shit. I am not kidding, nor am I bragging when I tell you that I have been told a time or two what a wonderful person I am, so why don't I feel that on the inside. I am ready to feel wonderful from the inside out. I am so fucking tired of jumping through hoops to make sure everyone else is happy. I wanna be happy. I want my wants to be first on some damn list. Who is going to put MY wants first on their list? I'm not really saying that I am a sad person on the inside, because I'm not. I really am a happy person, so what the hell am I saying? I guess I'm saying I'm confused.

I am trying to figure out who I am.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="225"] Taking an honest look at myself.[/caption]

Nobody is making me put everyone else's wants and needs before my own, I just do it because I want everyone to be happy. Well guess what! It's my turn. I want to be happy and I am on my way. I am not saying I wanna be a bitch and disregard everyone else. All I am saying is I want my happiness to be given equal consideration and the person that needs to hear, comprehend and live this is ME.

I've been told I couldn't be a bitch if I tried. I'm just too nice and considerate of others to be a bitch, but sometimes I feel like I am just fed up and wanna slap somebody. I guess the one I should be slapping is myself for putting up with myself for allowing myself to live this way.

Well, NO MORE! It feels good to know change is on the horizon.

A lovely Spring moment

The sun is shinning and I am sitting outside in the fresh morning air sipping the perfect combination of coffee and cream. I close my eyes and take a sip. The rich warm liquid flows past my lips, as the aroma warms and awakens my nose. The flavor swirls around on my tongue and warms my belly as it slides down my throat.

I open my eyes and look up at the sky. It is my favorite time of day. Birds are chirping, as I glance across the yard. The sun warms the grass and I can see the dew evaporate into a flowing ribbon of steam as if it is dancing in a ray of sunshine.

The season is Spring and little buds are turning into flowers and leaves. I love the renewing feelings of Spring. I am grateful to see another season.

Living on the Edge

Today somebody asked me, What's my favorite thing to write about. I thought for a minute because I have been asking myself a similar question. I've been asking myself, what would I like my ultimate platform for Apozitude to be? If I were to give a presentation, what would I feel the most passion about sharing?

I have been having a little bit of difficulty with this question because I feel a great deal of passion about many things. Who will my audience be when I begin giving presentations? I love children and the pure positive energy they still have coursing through them. I love how open they are to learning new things. I asked Lexi, my favorite little 3 year old, if she wanted to meditate with me several weeks ago. Although I am not certain, she may have been introduced to meditation before, but she was totally open to it. We did 15 minutes of focused breathing exersices. She was looking at a book while we were doing it, but every single time the guided meditation instructed us to breathe in, she would look up from her book, then at me and breathe in until the guided meditation instructed us to breathe out. It was one of the most adorable things I've ever seen. She had no questions about it, like why? or what is this good for? or any doubt about it. She just did it. It was really cool.

So, having an audience of children has a certain appeal, but I am also very passionate about equal rights, exercise, eating healthy, having a positive attitude and just plain'ol having fun. I really want to discover a platform that has the widest reach. When the question, What's your favorite thing to write about was posed, my answer was that I most like to write about living life on purpose.

As I thought about this concept more as the day went on, I thought how do I live my life on purpose? How would I address this in Apozitude? I noticed that I started asking myself questions and I thought this is one of the things you need to do to live your life on purpose. You need to ask yourself questions and not just, what do I want for breakfast type of questions, questions that make you a little bit uncomfortable. Questions that take you to places deep within yourself to get the answers. In the end when you come up with the answer, that answer should make your chest swell with pride, cause a smile to strech across your face and make you feel like you're on fire because THAT is your purpose!!!

What makes you live your life on purpose? What is your intention? What are you willing to make personal sacrifices for? What is it that turns you on? Ask your self questions that ONLY YOU can answer. Every single question that you have ever had has an answer right there with in you. You have to be willing to make a commitment to yourself, to slow down and sit quietly listening with the intention of receiving THE answers.

My favorite thing to write about is living life on purpose. Being mindful. Living with intention. Listening with intention. Why? Because that is my purpose that is what gets me all fired up. I could stay up all night talking about intention and purpose and living life just beyond on the edge of my comfort zone.

The most wonderful parting gift Part 3 of 3

As we lived our lives those last days of Karen's life we experienced a very broad spectrum of feelings. We spent time with each other, with Kirsten and Kelly and with their Aunt Linda. We shared laughs, love and tears.

There were some very tough decisions to be made. There were very tough emotions to get past. For me, I had lived a very separate life from Keri's family and there was a feeling of estrangement to get beyond. When Kirsten came up to us as we entered the hospital room and hugged Keri and then me, I took that as an invitation to BE A PART of something I wanted for so long. I set down my shit and took her up on that invitation and from that point on I was all in. I said to myself, Self this is your chance. I opened my heart and let divine energy guide me.

That energy guided me to that moment when I had some alone time with Karen. That divine energy guided me to provide comfort when I could, to provide space for feelings when I felt like rushing in, to provide hugs, strength to deal with things that were beyond my realm of comfort and things that were beyond my range of "human only" reactions.

Keri and Kristin's parents had been divorced since Keri was in college and neither one were in no position emotionally to deal with contacting their father. The very first words I ever spoke to the man were, "Hi. This is Angel and I hate for these to be the first words I speak to you, but Karen has passed away. We will be in touch with information about a ceremony".

What this experience taught me was that there is no gap that love can not fill.

In a matter of days I went from not really knowing Keri's family at all to having a sister-in-law that I love dearly, three beautiful nieces, a kick ass brother-in-law to be, another Aunt Linda and a couple of GOOOOD lookin' cousins with beautiful families.

I absolutely love my wife. I absolutely love my life. I love the chances we get and the rewards we are given when we live our lives on purpose and with an undeniable sense of love. None of this would've been possible if it weren't for a million sets of circumstances that led all of our lives to that point in time and I just want to take this moment to say Thank you to Karen for the most wonderful parting gift.

Why is letting go so hard sometimes? Part 2 of 3

If everything happens for a reason, what was the purpose of that living hell?

To teach me to let go and I did. I am grateful for learning that lesson.

The truly sad part of all of that was for Keri and Karen, both robbed of relationships with each other. The even more tragic part of this, now, is that any hope of a chance is gone. Sadly, Karen passed away in August 2012.

Keri got the call from her sister it was time to make the trip. Keri looked at me after explaining the situation and said, I want you to go with me. Which seems like the logical thing, right? But I think the last time I went to one of Keri's family functions prior to this was Thanksgiving 1995. I remember because her grandpa was still alive and he leaned in to me as glanced over to Keri and said, She's a good girl. Take good care of her. I would do anything for my baby.

We walked into Karen's hospital room and with out a beat, as if it were nothing at all Kirsten, Keri's sister, came over to us and hugged Keri and then hugged me. She and her fiancé at the time, now husband, Kelly, rather quickly updated us on Karen's status. It was totally and completely surreal standing there in that hospital room with Keri.

It felt so bizarre to be there in the most fragile moments of this woman's life. I, for so many years, wanted so badly to be in the same room with her to have a chance to know her, love her and hug her and here I was standing there looking at her silently wondering why we couldn't have shared Keri in our lives.

There was a moment when Keri and Kirsten were called out into the hall to talk to the doctor and I was left alone with Karen. I was looking at her and these words just started flowing out of my mouth, "I just want you to know that with every fiber of my being I love your daughter and I am sorry you and I never had a chance to get to know each other, but what ever it was that kept us from knowing each other, I let it go a long time ago. I want you to know peace."

It was the weirdest thing ever having this very personal one sided conversation with this woman I barely knew. These were not my words, there was no way I could have been that poised in that given moment. I was confused and felt like what the hell am I doing here this woman wanted nothing to do with me. Why am I standing here with you right now? I really was just a little bit nervous that she might open her eyes and wonder what the hell I was doing there.

I guess everything does happen for a reason and the reason I was standing there with her all alone was to provide an opportunity for release. Who know's what that moment provided for Karen, but my hope is that for a moment in time the essence of our beings swirled around together, smiled at each other, embraced each other and dissolved all the unknowns, the fears and resistance. All I know is I have peace in my heart and the most wonderful parting gift I have EVER been given.

What's the purpose? Part 1 of 3

You know how "they" always say, everything happens for a reason? and you're taking a look at your life and you think what's the fuckin' purpose of this living hell?

I know you have, we all have. When you're in the middle of something like that though it just seems like such an injustice and you ask yourself why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this bullshit?

I'm not exactly sure where this story really begins, so I'll start from my perception of the beginning.

About 19 years ago a very intriguing woman walked into my life and I knew from the moment I laid eyes on her that we would share something special. It wasn't really a conscious thought. It was just a knowing that I felt. It was as if time had stopped for a few moments and there was a quiet little voice, too small to even really hear, that said to me, "Take in this moment, you'll remember it for the rest of your life". So, I did and I remember exactly what she was wearing, how her hair was styled and where I was sitting. It was like the switch of a very warm fuzzy light was turned on inside me.

It was only a matter of months until we started dating. Before I knew it I was falling in love with her. I was nervous though that she might not be ready for those three little words. Standing and hugging each other in the kitchen of her apartment, I quietly asked her to highlight this moment in pink and green so that when I referenced it later she would know the exact moment I was talking about. To this day we still say pink and green to each other to say I love you. Keri and I will be together 19 years this coming October.

By this time you might be scratching your head and wondering how this sweet little love story leads me to ask myself, What did I do to deserve this bullshit?

Well, I'm just about to tell you. I was and still am very much in love with Keri. I was excited to begin our lives together and I wanted everyone to know how happy we were together in our new relationship. We had been to visit her mom a couple of times and the feelings of hiding what we were becoming to each other were quite uncomfortable. I felt like I couldn't just reach out and hold the hand of the woman I loved. I couldn't be true to myself and neither could she. I took it personal at first, like Keri was embarrassed to be with me. It was hurtful and I didn't understand.

If she loved me so much why wouldn't she be happy and proud to tell anyone, everyone. I grew tired of the question, so, how's your friend? It seemed like such a slap in the face for what we were feeling for each other. Keri began to feel it too and we decided it was time to come out of the closet and let everyone know. This meant telling her mom.


I remember that day so well. We drove up to Tulsa from Oklahoma City and I stayed the day with our friend Andrea while Keri went to her mom's to have the "Yes, I'm gay" talk. We didn't have cell phones then, so there were no texts updating me on the situation and I was a nervous wreck. Even as I sit here now writing about it, I can feel the knots in my stomach and the dryness in my mouth. Crazy.

Between Keri and her mom, there were years of disagreements, feelings of abandonment and disrespect, lack of acceptance, feelings like we were "throwing our relationship in her face", and resistance that felt from our end like, What did we do to deserve this bull shit, which I'm sure was felt by her mom as well.

Granted, I never had an opportunity to get to know Keri's mom (Karen) and what I have learned about her over the last 18 years has been through the eyes of a person that has felt completely rejected by her mother. I've never spoken to Karen about any of this to hear her side of the story, but I always really wanted to. I wanted desperately to be a part of the family of the woman I love so dearly. I have felt very sad over the years that I was robbed of having a "mother-in-law" and all the other family members too. It felt so unfair. I thought if Karen would just give me a chance she would love me. I was trying to make sense of it by talking it out with Keri and mulling it over.

One day Keri asked me if I could just stop because every time I tried to figure out why Karen couldn't accept me it only reminded her that her mom wasn't accepting her either. It was crystal clear to me in that moment that this was never about me and I dropped it. I let it go.

Everything happens for a reason. Yes, even bull shit.

I learned to let go.

Shimmering pools of butter

You never know when life is just going to say, Here you go, you delightful person you, here's a wonderful gift. I was sitting in a coffee shop today at my very first scheduled out of the house "Committed to my dream" meeting with myself and the universe rewarded me with new friend. I am so lucky!!!! It is like the universe said, Angel, you need one more amazing person in your life, here's an opportunity to meet David.

I was sitting at a table facing the window, so I could see what was going on outside. People were walking by with their dogs, others with their toddlers on their shoulders and one man was dropping his dogs off at a doggie daycare across the street. It was all very smile evoking. I had my headphones on to keep me focused, but I did notice that someone sat beside me. We shared pleasant acknowledgments of each other and carried on with our own business.

He was setting up his computer and getting situated, everything was going smoothly and then I noticed an intoxicating aroma. I have a soft place in my heart for breakfast. I don't know if I have always LOVED breakfast and as a result ended up going to breakfast with my mom a lot when I was little or if going to breakfast a lot with my mom when I was little developed my love for breakfast. In either case, breakfast has a place soft place in my heart because it reminds me of special times with my mom.

Anyway, this delicious aroma turned out to be a perfectly toasted sesame bagel with little shimmering pools of butter. I took off my headphones and looked over at the man sitting next to me and said, "That is the most wonderful smell. Does it taste as good as it smells?" He said it was delicious. Next thing I know I'm walking back towards my seat with my own toasted sesame bagel with shimmering pools of butter. I said, "What can I say, aroma sells" and that was the beginning.

We chatted with each other, shared ideas and began to realize we had many similar beliefs. It was exciting to converse with someone new that is so like-minded. It was a pretty amazing experience. I love making connections and truly "being" in a shared space with someone. It is such a breath of fresh air to have deep intentional experiences. Thank you David. I look forward to the next time our paths cross.

Full Spectrum of feelings

Sometimes I have no idea what to write about for this blog. I sit in front of my little iPad screen and want very badly to write something touching. Something that makes a difference in someones life and sometimes I start writing a few sentences and I don't really feel moved in particular direction. I start again, and write a couple of sentences or a paragraph and think, Damn it! Who gives a shit about this?

Well, apparently I give a shit about this, because I just keep writing. As I have said before I love writing this blog. It fills my soul with satisfaction. Knowing that people are waiting to read what I have written in hopes of getting a little lift in their day, keeps me motivated to write something meaningful.

Today I am moved to share with you the songs I heard this morning while I was eating my yummy breakfast with my wife. She made a yummy scramble, biscuits and gravy and these songs came on, all right in a row, while I was sitting across from her: Sunday Morning by Maroon 5, Your Life is Now by John Mellenkamp, Goodbye Girl covered by Rumor and Deee-Lite by Groove is in the Heart.

It is such an amazing thing to me how music can totally sweep you away and bring up feelings in you that you know are there, but the emotion in the music and the way the words are sung, just captures it so perfectly. Sunday Morning is about how nice it feels to stay in bed on a rainy Sunday and cuddle with the one you love. "Steal some covers share some skin, Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable. You twist to fit the mold that I am in. Come and rest your bones with me. My fingers trace your every outline." Love it!

I am so grateful for what I have in my life, I love to cuddle with my baby. Then, John Mellencamp's song, Your Life is Now, came on. What an excellent reminder. "This is your time here to do what you will do. Your life is now. In this undiscovered moment, Will you lift your head above the crowd? Do you believe you're a victim of a great compromise? 'Cause I believe you could change your mind and change your life." Powerful words that remind us that we have a choice. Totally empower yourself by embracing the concept that YOU HAVE A CHOICE!

Just a little reminder sung into my morning by Rumer with Goodby Girl. "Goodbye doesn't mean forever, Let me tell you that goodbye doesn't mean we'll never be together again." Honestly, there was a time that I could not listen to this song. That time was Jan. 2006. Keri and I were headed home from the airport after returning from Arizona when my dad passed away. My friend Michelle crossed my mind and the hurt that she is going through as she grieves the loss of her love. I believe when she is ready, love will find its way back into her life and it will blow her mind.

Then there's Groove is in the Heart. If you don't know this song and you love to dance, Look it up and get your ass on the dance floor. This song WILL BE played at our wedding reception. "We're going to dance. We're going to dance. We're going to dance and have some fun. I couldn't ask for another. Sing it Baby!!! Groove is in the heart. Watch out!" I could not help myself. I danced around my kitchen as I washed my dishes. Hands in the air, butt shakin' this way and that, boppin' around like I was high on life. Was I high on life? You bet I was. I love dancing!!! I felt like these songs took me on a full spectrum of feelings.

Grateful for the quite lovey moments of cuddling, knowing my life is NOW and living THIS moment to the fullest, realizing that there are always going to be times in life that are tough and very painful, but that time heals and happiness is right there when we are ready to dance, sing and celebrate life.

Life is such an amzing thing and I am so grateful to be surrounded by love.

Hmmm,... marching for Hate or eating s'mores?

Evolve or dissolve. I wrote those three words in my notes back on January 19th and I've been waiting for the right time to expand upon that concept and I believe the time is right. Why do I believe the time is right? Well, I'll tell you. Two things have happened recently that provide the perfect examples of this concept and I will share them with you now.

You may or may not be aware of a man by the name of Fred Phelps. For those of you that are not aware, Congratulations! Somehow you've gotten to this point in your life without being exposed to the pastor that headed the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka Kansas. A "church" that was adamantly against gay people. In fact, Westboro is known as the GOD HATES FAGS church and this slogan remains as the name of their website. The people of this church picketed gay pride parades and the funerals of soldiers.  The people of this church and the children of Fred Phelps taught their children to hate. It is so heart breaking.


The good news, Fred Phelps passed away March 19th, 2014. The beginning of a chance for this group to dissolve their judgemental hypocritical ways. One less hater.

As for the flip side, I don't know if you have seen the Honey Maid Graham cracker commercials or not, but as of March 10, 2014 they released a #ThisisWholesome campaign in which commercials for their snacks were depicting diversity in the family images, which included a gay couple with a baby, a single father, an interracial family and tattooed parents. I am a gay tattooed parent, so I think it is awesome.

The Honey Maid company received some negative homophobic responses to their wholesome campaign, claiming the gay couples with their children were disgusting, and they were going to boycott Honey Maid. The totally awesome thing about the responses Honey Maid got regarding their new commercials was that they also received positive comments glowing with praise. The positive comments were 10 times the number of negative comments.

YES!!!

Honey Maid not only did not pull the #ThisisWholesome ad campaign they took it one step further and released a video telling their story about how they responded to the positive and negative responses they received. The video was posted on Jezebel.com, so grab a tissue and click the link to see their amazing response. This is a company that has a strong plan to evolve and I support them 100%.

What else can I say? Evolve or dissolve. I'm patient and positively focused.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KERI

Happy Birthday to my adorable wife. We have been together since we were 25, so that really has only been 4 years right, because you're 29 today right? ;) Kidding aside, we have been together 18 years and I am so grateful for all the fun, the laughs, the love, the support, the patience, the tears and all the growth we have shared over the years.
Usually, people refer to their spouses as their better half, but I think in our case we really have been supportive of each other developing our own better halves within our selves. I wouldn't be who I am today if it were not for the way we have growth together and individually. I love you baby with all my heart and though it is not my birthday, it is my wish that you have wonderful days for the rest of your life, but just in case you don't, it is my promise to you to be there for you, any time you need me. I also promise to give you the space you need to be true to yourself. I love you baby.

Wishing you the happiest of birthdays. I look forward to spending the rest of our lives together.

Good nap?

You wanna hear a funny little example of how totally different Keri and I are? This JUST happened like two minutes ago.

I was sitting in my big chair with my lap desk working on my blog and Keri was laying on the couch reading, until she was laying on the couch sleeping. I wear head phones while I write to keep my focus and all of a sudden a sleepy-eyed Keri sits up on the couch, yawning and stretching, her hair all messy and cute. I looked up at her and removed my headphones and asked, How was your little nap? She replied that she had a bad dream.

I just sat there for a moment wondering if she was going to tell me about it. I kinda thought she wouldn't just offer it up and if she didn't she might not want to talk about it, so I asked her if she wanted a hug to which she replied, no. So, I asked if she wanted to talk about it to which she replied, no.

I just had to chuckle to myself because I definitely would want to talk about it and probably would not only want a hug, but would want to be hugging while we were talking about it.

Yes! You have a choice.

I had the opportunity to spend some time with the Goodnesses this last Friday. Who are the Goodnesses? and Why do I call them the Goodnesses? I knew you were wondering so, I just thought I'd facilitate those questions for you. The Goodnesses are one of my very best friends little girls. Their names are Lexi who is 3 years old and Taylor, who'll be two in July.

Calling them The Goodnesses evolved from when Lexi was a baby. Every time Shanna would show someone her picture they would say, "Oh my goodness" and proceed with various forms of oohing and aahing about how adorable she was and still is. Naturally, Shanna began to call Lexi, "My Goodness" and when Taylor came along we had MG and MG2. So, in short I just started referring to them as The Goodnesses. See?

Why am I telling you about The Goodnesses? Good question. I did have a reason for bringing them up, so let's begin. After we had been playing at the PlayDate PDX indoor park, we went back to Shanna's house and the girls took their naps. Shanna had some errands to run, so I stayed at the house with the sleepy girls. Taylor was the first to wake up and she was hungry. I placed her in her high chair and got out the food Shanna had prepared for just such a situation. She had grapes cut into halves, chicken, cheese and tomatoes all cut into Taylor bite sized pieces. I got her a sippy cup with some water and we were sitting there face to face as she was eating.

We were playing the, let me tell what each bite I take is going to be game. Chicken? Yes, that's chicken. Gapes? Yes, you're eating grapes. She was laughing and it as completely adorable. Then she picked up her sippy cup for a drink and there are two places in the high chair tray to hold a cup. When she sat the cup down she placed it in the other cup holder.

She looked up at me inquisitively, as if she were checking in with me to see if it was ok to place the cup in a different place. I reassured her that it was fine and realized this was the perfect opportunity to introduce the concept that she has a choice. I said, Look at that Taylor you have options, as I pointed to the two cup holders in her tray. I pointed to one and said, Here's an option and then pointed to the other and said, here's another option. Then I asked can you say, I have a choice? She said it!!!

In her cute little abbreviated version she said, "I ava chce." Why does that thrill me so much? I'll tell you why!!! It is just the beginning for her to realize that she has choices in life and a little reminder for the rest of us. Whether we are trying to decide where to set our drinking glass or what we want to focus our feelings on today, we have a choice.

Life is tough and full of ups and downs. There are plenty of reasons to be sad, disappointed, hurt or angry and a myriad of other negative feelings, but how does it make you FEEL to be focused on the negative? I feel like it sucks!!! I don't like to feel down. Luckily, I have a choice and I am aware.

Teaching Taylor that she has a choice, even if it's only where to set her cup for now, in the long run, will be a tremendous coping skill in her life. Being aware of having a choice empowers you to take your life experience to the next level and the next and the next.

The saving grace of my high school days

When I was a freshman in high school, my mom provided me an opportunity to attend a public school in Mustang Oklahoma. I had attended a private school from preschool through the 8th grade and I thought I might like the change. I went to Mustang High for maybe,... two days. On the second day I heard the song, Who's going to drive you home, by the Cars and I wondered, who IS going to drive me home?

I knew zero people at Mustang High school. I wanted to go to Bishop McGuiness, the school that all my friends from grade school and middle school were going to be attending. I knew they would drive me home, metaphorically. I told my mom I wanted to go to McGuiness. I had grown up with those friends and had spent 10 years of my youth with them. I was 14, so those kids were my life long friends. I knew they would be there for me. When I told my mom how I felt and that I wanted to change schools, she made it happen. That's NOT the only reason I call her Sherron "get it done" Zamudio, but that's another story for another time.

Isn't it funny how you find out sometimes people are not who you had hoped they would be and when that happens it sticks with you. I ended up going to Bishop McGuiness and guess what. Not a single friend from my youth would even speak to me, unless they were making me the butt of their jokes in front of other people so THEY would fit in better. Some high school kids can be so mean. I didn't know I was gay and any inclination I had I tried so adamantly to refuse, but I guess others suspected and used their suspensions against me. It was very painful. I am ready to let that go.

Breath in.

Breath out.

Let it go.

Hold on to the lesson, let go of the hurt. Remember you have a choice: hold on to the disappointment and allow it to burden you or let it go and set yourself free.

I choose to focus on the friends I made at McGuiness. I am still friends with my 3 prominent friends from my McGuiness days. Jacque, Lori and Susan. I don't think it would have been possible without Facebook though, because we had lost touch for many years. I would periodically try to find them and then one day it just worked. It was a very nice surprise to find them and to chat and get reacquainted, to see their beautiful families and hear about their lives. It's like a wonderful little gift, like the universe was saying, Hey Angel, we're sorry those kids from your younger days were not who you thought they'd be, but here are some friends that will blow your mind and they will be life long friends.

I don't know if they wondered if I was gay or not. If they ever did, they never once made me feel like an outsider because of it. I was the new kid in their little group and they made me feel like I had always been one of them. Looking back on it, I have to admit their friendship was my saving grace. They didn't ever ask me if I was gay and frankly, I am glad they didn't, because I was nowhere near being ready to accept that part of myself. I would have, at that time, denied it to my death and as we know now, such a strong denial would have only confirmed their suspicions.

You know what,.... Once I became friends with this trio, I never once wondered who was going to drive me home. So, from now on when I hear the Cars, Who's going to drive you home, I will smile and think of all the times I knew exactly who that person was going to be. Thank you Jacque, Lori and Susan for taking me in and allowing me to be me without any pressures of having to answer questions I didn't for sure know how to answer for myself AND for driving me home. :)

That's just my way

I have had people tell me they think I am deep. Really though, I am just me. I enjoy having real experiences. I love living on purpose and it is a choice I make on a daily basis to live a mindful life. The way I feel about life is, if it isn't real and true, then what's the sense? Being superficial just isn't my style. I don't think superficial is wrong or bad, necessarily, it just isn't the way I like to operate. Superficiality, in my opinion is a coping skill. I am a genuine person and I like me that way.

Sometimes it can be a bit much for people. I understand it can be intense and a little uncomfortable sometimes for someone to look you in the eye and tell you that they love you or that you look amazing. Here's an example- I went to get a mammogram yesterday and when I pulled into the parking lot, there was a woman walking out to her car. We made eye contact and glanced back and forth at each other probably three times. She was wearing a hot pink cardigan sweater with jeans, she had black hair and pink lipstick. Her skin was a sultry olive tone. She was probably in her mid to late fifties.

When I got out of my car she was already in her car, but I took a chance on it. I walked up to her car and she rolled down her window. I said, I just wanted to let you know that color looks amazing on you and I thought you might like to know you look stunning. She smiled real big and said, Thank you and I'm sorry I was starring at you, but I thought you looked like a girlfriend of mine from college, but now that you're standing here I see you are much younger than me. We kinda laughed and I said, Well, I was starring at you too, so I guess we're even. She smiled some more and said, Well you just made my day, so thank you again. I told her to have a great day and we said good bye.

That was about 20 seconds of my day yesterday and it obviously made an impression on me. I love that feeling of making someones day. I love sharing my observations with people that I know are going to make them feel better. It makes me feel better. Who doesn't want to feel better? It was a genuine compliment. It was real and that is just my way.

A bit of relief

I have been struggling with feeling paralyzled by helplessness. It can be so challenging when someone you love is hurting so badly and struggling to find their sense of normal again, but I'd like to share with you a few things I've learned in the last 24 hours.

There is a tremedous sense of relief to be found in allowing yourself to totally feel your feelings. It is not fun to cry and feel vulnerable, but when you give yourself permission to truely feel the full range of emotions associated with challenging times it helps to move beyond those feelings. I can't remember where I heard this, but it goes something like the frame of mind that percieves a problem can not be the same frame of mind that can invision the solution.

So, how do you change your frame of mind??? Excellent question! To that I refer to the wise advice of my friend Susan, "Find one thought of gratitude and breathe that thought into your being. Breath brings life force energy into the body. Which provides a state of peace and awareness, so you are not caught up in incessant thought." When I read those words today, they stopped my tears in their tracks and provided a much needed break in my feelings of helplessness. Thank you.

How did those perfectly strung together words reach my ears today? Another secret revealed right here in Apozitude. Right here. Right now. You gotta open up and let people know you are spinning out of control. All I had to do was send out a single sentence in a private facebook message. That message was this simple. "I am feeling paralyzed by helplessness today." Ask for help.

The next thing is delightfully simple, so prepare yourself. I mean it. Take a deep breath and don't try to make this more difficult than it really is, ok? Think simple and know that when you are feeling down in the dumps you are only one positive encounter away from a changed perspective. Open yourself up to something funny, open yourself up to something light and there it will be, delivering the smile you've been craving. It may take several recommitments to opening up to something funny, but one smile is just a bit of relief and that bit of relief can be the beginning of a better day.

Sending love, happiness and relief out into the world.

My heart aches

We all know that death is a certainty and even though we know it will happen, the exerience of such a loss is always laden with pain. Even if we have the priviledge of thinking we are as prepared as we possibly could be for the loss in such cases as an illness and elderly, it never is exactly how we think it's going to be. You just can not prepare for loosing a loved one. Especially in the case of sudden death, it is so shocking and can be difficult so to cope because your whole world is flipped upside down. Nothing is as you expected it to be. You have had no preperation at all. It makes it very difficult to process feelings when you feel so robbed.

The reason I am writing about this today is because a dear friend of mine experienced a tragic loss yesterday. Her boyfriend was in a motorcycle accident and lost his life. My insides have been all in a twisted knot since hearing of the accident. I didn't have the chance to meet him, but I just ache for my friend and the torment she is having to endure at this time. I have shed tears of my own for this tragic accident. I just wish I could wrap my arms around her and make her pain go away. I know that is not possible and that she will need time, but when you love someone you just so badly want to erase their pain.

All I can do is offer my love and support. And this gentle reminder that because you have experienced this sudden loss you know that tomorrow is promised to no one. This awarness can help you focus your attention on what is truely important in your life, so you don't get lost in the trival matters and lose sight of those things that are most important to you. It is a way you can begin to create meaning out of such a tragedy. Sending you love.

Yes, sigh, This too shall pass.

I read a post from one of my friends on Facebook last Thursday that was the perfect little string of words to very accurately describe exactly the way I was feeling. Let me share those words with you now.

Patience is giving a loving response to frustration.

I could not have read any more perfect words for myself on that day, because sometimes wonderful people drift into your life and it seems like there couldn't be a better person to fill that particular slot in your life. Then for some reason that seems like it can't make a bit of sense because they fit so perfectly, they announce their future departure. They have to go because they feel it is what is best for them.

It's can be so difficult to be supportive of someone doing what is best for them when it means they will be leaving an empty spot in my life. It doesn't feel like it's what's best for ME. How dare you live your life for your own happiness! What about me? What about making me happy? Oh yeah, that's my job. I am not living my life for them, right? and I certainly would not want to stay somewhere I didn't feel was best for me for the sake of someone else's sense of happiness.

I feel like throwing a fit though. I feel like laying on the floor kicking and crying, but that would not be very mature and it would not make matters better for me. It certainly would not help the person who is making a difficult choice. Therefore, I am opting to behave like an adult and be supportive. I am proud of people that make difficult decisions in their lives for the sake of their own well being. This is the type of person I want in my life and that is part of why it is so difficult to accept that they are leaving.

Writing this is part of the acceptance process. Breathing deep. I know that resisting immanent change will not benefit me in the least. This too shall pass.

Patience is giving a loving response to frustration. I support you doing what you feel is best for you.

Taking steps everyday

Do you know what it is that you crave? Do you know what it is in life that feels like this is what you were born to do? Some people don't and I was one of those people for a long time. Then one day my wife said to me, You know you could write a blog,...

She is an amazing idea woman. I feel that writing this blog is the very beginning for me. These are some of the first steps I am taking toward fulfilling my life's purpose. There have been many things before this blog that were leading me to this point, but this feels like the true beginning.

Every weekend I spend several hours of my free time writing and pouring myself into this blog. I have asked myself, is it worth it? I always answer, Yes, absolutely!! I love the idea of creating a sense of relief in the heart of another. I love the idea of someone reading this blog and feeling a smile cross their face as they identify in some way with some of the things I have been through. I love the idea of creating a feeling for someone that they are not alone. I love the feeling that something I write could open someone's eyes to seeing something that makes their live a little easier.

This is what I was born to do and I am feeling fulfilled. I am content with where I am now and I am eager for more. Is the sacrifice I make of my free time worth these feelings of living a life fulfilled. Absolutely!!! It is my vow to myself to continue to live a life feeling fulfilled.

Dinner's ready

Our little neighborhood has a fire lane. Which looks to me like a big'ol yard with a patch of asphalt in it, large enough for a fire truck to park there. There's a sign at the end of this patch of asphalt that reads, NO PARKING - FIRE LANE. So, it wasn't being used and when we first moved into this neighborhood our son, Garrison, was 11 years old and we thought that was the perfect place to put a basketball hoop. I had to attend a home owners association meeting regarding the hoop, as there were some neighbors at the time that were complaining about noise pollution as a result of the hoop. As it turns out the hoop was allowed to stay and our son was able to have many hours of entertainment and exercise. We had family time under that hoop. It was fun.

Garrison will be turning 24 this year and has moved away. The basketball hoop remains. People still use the hoop and I aways feel a smile stretch across my face when I hear the sound of a basketball bouncing around over there. I can hear the ball hit the backboard and kids laughing and playing. The sound of the ball bouncing on the ground reminds me of when Garrison would be out there shooting hoops and I'd step out the front door and holler, "Gaaarrisonnnnn, dinner".

Sometimes when someone is out there playing, I just stand outside my front door and pretend my son is two doors down shootin' hoops. Even though he is half way across the country, my heart feels like he's getting ready to run up to the house for dinner.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="272"] This was taken in July 2012. We had just picked Garrison up at the air port. I am always so happy to see him.[/caption]

Why cut yourself short?

Have you ever heard the story about the little girl who was watching her mother prepare a ham for Easter dinner? Well, whether you have or not, I'm about to share it and here it goes.

There was a large family gathering and little Suzi was in the kitchen watching her mother do some cooking. She watched as her mom cut off each end of the ham before placing it in the dish for baking in the oven. Suzi asked her mom, Why do you cut the ends off the ham before you place it in the baking dish? Her mother very nonchalantly said, Well, that's just the way my mom taught me. Why don't you go ask Grandma.

So, off she went. Grandma? Why do you cut the ends off the ham before you place it in the baking dish? Grandma said with a similar nonchalant response, Oh, I don't know dear, that's just the way my mom taught me. Why don't you go ask great grandma. Luckily, great grandma was still alive and able to make it to this Easter gathering. So, off Suzi went again.

Great Grandma why do you cut the ends off the ham before you place it in the baking dish. Great Grandma said Sweetie, I haven't done that since your grandma was a child. Why do you ask? Suzi explained that her mother was doing it because she learned it from Grandma and Grandma has always done it because she learned it from you when she was little, but you don't cut the ends off the ham any more? Oh my! The great Grandma said, I did that when your grandmother was a little girl because I only had one size of pan and I had to do it to make the ham fit. Your grandma must have seen me do that when she was little and never thought to ask why and just passed it down.

WOW!!!! I wonder how much ham this family wasted over the years because no one thought to question authority? Curiosity is a wonderful thing. Be brave enough to voice your curiosities and hold on to the childlike inquisitive nature. I am not one bit afraid of asking what something means or why something is done a certain way. Leaving curiosities lingering in your mind without voicing them could end up costing you in the long run. So, why cut yourself short?

Perfect little emoticon,... No foolin'

I kid you not one little bit. I mean, I will admit I do embellish the facts,...some. times. IT IS RARE, but it does happen on occasion. However, in this particular case, I'm not kidding at all, the screen shot pictured with in this blog is from the following experience.

I had just finished writing the blog contemplating whether beer is alive or not and if it is alive that it is concerned about fulfilling its life's purpose. I mean, JUST finished writing it and was still feeling the endorphins pumping through my veins from the excitement of completing it. My fingers quickly went in search for the command key and the C key. I was ready to copy and paste that one into WordPress this instant!!

Once I pressed the command key and the C key enabling me to copy the blog, I decided I needed to adjust my sitting position. So, I raised myself up on one elbow while the other hand was holding and lifting my iPad up off my lap,...

No thought was even given to the fact that fingers might slip and push keys during that transition and could possibly erase all the words I had just cleverly strung all together.

Damn it! Haven't we already experienced this? Yes, but it was a little different. Remember? You were riding home from Seattle and you had to reconstruct the dead mouse or used tampon story?

Oh yes, I do remember that,... You are right that was different. This is just a little tweak on that lesson, a little refinement or subtly, that hones my coping skills. Cool, let's put our smile on and grow.

So, I am freaking out (about a level 1), because I looked at the screen after I got situated and saw the above mentioned screen shot in my notes. It could not have been a more appropriate emoticon for that situation. Laughing and crying at the same time. I thought I had lost the entire beer blog but, when I double clicked on the screen I was able to click cancel or some other amazing thing I don't really remember and it delightfully and surprisingly brought my blog back.

YAY!!!!!! And there's another story to share. Growing and expanding in big and small ways.