It's just the way I see it,...

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all the truly amazing people in my life. I know,... It's an awful problem to have, right? I appreciate your sympathies, I really do. I mean, can you imagine being upset because you're so blessed with so many amazing people in your life that you simply didn't have enough time to spend with them of all? This is my current dilemma. LOL.

The reason I am writing about this is because as I was feeling a little disappointed this last week over my lack of time with some of the amazing people in my life, I had a moment of clarity. I thought you might enjoy reading about how I got past my bummed out feelings.

I was biking to work one day and as I passed some random dude walking the opposite direction I was traveling, my awareness shifted. My focus upon the random dude was kind of out of the corner of my eye and for a fraction of a second. I couldn't even tell you a single detail about his appearance, but all at once it occurred to me. We all come from the same place. This is my belief anyway, that all humans, well, all living things really, but we're talking about people. All people are, essentially made up of two things, their temporary physical being and their eternal spiritual being. When I passed that random dude on the street it was as if a light switch was flipped on in my brain and what I realized is that of course my life is full of amazing people because we are all amazing people. All of a sudden I felt a huge relief.

Why did I experience relief? Well, I guess because the realization that we ALL have that amazing aspect of ourselves provided space for me to appreciate each and every amazing person for the role they have in my life. Most of the time I get to experience an amazing person as my wife, my mom or my best friend and many many others, but sometimes I get to experience an amazing person as a complete stranger. Like this last week, I stumbled across a complete stranger who was simply amazing. We had a delightful exchange over a pair of cork wedge black sandals and that was only the beginning. We spoke for maybe 7 to 10 minutes, but Jonna and I shared mutual genuine feelings in the time we had together. I was telling her about this very blog and a chance encounter with her was just further confirmation of my point. I knew in that moment that I would be including her in this blog.

What my encounter with Jonna helped solidify in my mind was that I was absolutely spot on in my realization, meaning, the point to all of this is to enjoy all the amazing people in your life for the role they play, big or small. There is no pressure to spend X amount of time with any one person because we all are amazing. Enjoy them where they are and don't sweat the rest.

When you offer the best of yourself to everyone around you, they some magical way feel they have no choice, but to do the same. If they are stuck in not offering their best somehow they miraculously find themselves absent from your life. Those that aren't aware of offering the best of themselves usually get irritated with the rest of us that choose to offer the best of ourselves and they don't really wanna hang around and that doesn't hurt my feelings one bit.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="720"] I am going to get myself some of those sandals. Thank you Jonna for letting me try yours on. :)[/caption]

Can't blow my smile off

You know it's windy when you can feel your eyelashes flapping against your eyelids.

Yes! I want to go to a cat fashion show.

Be careful.

It can be dangerous navigating the precarious waters of others emotions. I find it is much easier to stick to my own emotions for several reasons. #1 - I know exactly what I am intending. #2 - I can control the way I feel. #3 - The likelihood of success is much greater. #4 - The level of predictability is much higher. It may seem like all of these reasons are pretty much the same but they are slightly different and all lead to a happier me.

Following the guidance of your emotions will lead you to your authentic self, no compass is needed. Think about it. You know when you agree to do something that just doesn't "feel" right, you feel resistance. Someone says let's go blah blah blah, what ever it is, if you're thinking of anything else you would rather be doing and you stumble or stammer to come up with an excuse, THAT is your feelings guiding you. Listen to that guidance. No one knows better than you what you like.

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="720"] Yes. Cat fashion. I'm into that,...NOT.[/caption]

Hey, I've got an extra ticket, do you wanna go with me to a cat fashion show? Ummmm,... I uhhh,... need to,... ummm,... alphabetized the canned goods in my pantry.

I'm not just talking about weekend activities either. I am talking about staying in a relationship that does not serve you. I'm talking about giving others the power to negatively affect your mood. I'm talking about letting things that are out of your control take over your sense of peace. When it does not "feel" good, let it go. Whether you believe it or not you can control your thoughts and your feelings.

Your mind is a tool and you are in complete control. My advice is to use your mind to create a deliberate and mindful focus, rather than giving in to mindless incessant thoughts. I'm not going to lie, it does take practice. It is much easier to allow those thoughts to race through your mind in a never-ending stream, constantly taunting you, BUT it FEELS so much better to reel those thoughts in and focus upon what feels better. You actually begin to FEEL better, with practice. Be easy on yourself

Changing and yet, some how staying the same

I just want to be clear about this girlie side of myself that I have been exploring. I do love it. I really do, but I have to say it can be really frustrating sometimes, because at 44, it sorta' feels like I should be more practiced at styling my hair and applying make up, which by the way I don't do yet. I bought some make up and I've tried it a couple of times, but it feels very awkward. I don't wanna walk out of the house looking like a three-year old who's been playing with her mommy's make up.

So, I try, every now and again with the eye shadow and then I shake my head at myself in the mirror and remove it. I feel I am doing well to fix my hair and wear a little lipstick. Even that frustrates me sometimes, because my hair,... Ugh, my hair. It's getting longer and I just don't know what I am going to do. Honestly, on the weekend I mostly wear a ball-cap. I've been trying scarves and pins and it just gets to be too much sometimes.

I appreciate the space Keri provides for me to explore. I appreciate her support and her efforts to help me come up with solutions to my hair troubles. She's even purchased some girlie t-shirts for me. She's very sweet. I appreciate her sense of humor when I come home with a 90's hip hop hairdo. I appreciate my best friend, Shanna, helping me transform my awful 70's feathered hair style into a 90's hip hop look. I appreciate her encouraging me to get little flowers painted on my toe nails, which I wouldn't have even thought to do and resisted at first, but now I love it.

What I appreciate most is the love I have around me and the fact that I am loved just the way I am whether I decide make-up is for me or not, I am who I am and no outward appearance is going to change that little factoid.

I find it interesting that as I am writing this and listening to my iTunes on shuffle that, Just the Way You Are by Billy Joel comes on. It is so fitting that I have placed it on repeat, but I think it's important to emphasize that I didn't choose it to begin with, it just came on in a random shuffle. Every single thing happens on purpose. I totally believe it.

I just want someone that I can talk to,
I want you just the way you are.

I said, I love you, and that's forever.
This I promise from the heart.
I couldn't love you any better,
I love you just the way you are.

Thank you. Love abounds.

Let's talk about that,...

Keri and I decided we would make an agreement and we liked it so much that we decided to write it on the marker board on our fridge. The agreement we made I will share with you now, All feelings are valid.

I am absolutely loving this because, since we made this agreement, it makes it so much easier to have conversations about,... well,... everything. This agreement between us provides a safe place to discuss ANYTHING, because all feelings are valid. Doesn't that just make perfect sense? It's so simple and so profound I just have to restate it.

When there is an agreement in place between two people who all feelings are valid it creates a space of trust and safety. We know it is safe to talk about anything and we don't have to be afraid.

I believe the safety I feel in my relationship with Keri has allowed me to explore a side of myself that I had kept locked up deep inside of me for a very long time. I wrote about this in my blog entitled, Girl Water. I wondered a year ago if dipping my toe in the girl water and flirting with being more feminine was being true to myself. I mentioned that, "if it feels this good, it must be true to myself".

Well, here I am a year later still exploring this girlie side of myself and I am LOVING it. I like feeling pretty and it's not just about feeling pretty. It's more about a sense of confidence. A feeling of being true to myself. A feeling of saying what I want and being the me that I want to be. The me that is not afraid of being my whole true self. The me that doesn't really concern herself with what being my whole true self means to anyone else.

Just happy to be the me I love to be.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="720"] Aren't we cute?[/caption]

Yummy feelings of LOVE

It's difficult to put into words how much I love my 12-year-old golden retriever puppy. He is a part of me. It's like I am a poly cotton blend, except it's more like puppy human blend. His fibers and my fibers have woven themselves together to provide a very cozy feeling relationship that wraps us both up like your all time favorite blanket. You know, the blanket your grandma made for you. The one you wrapped up in every single night of your childhood and every single time you stayed home sick.

The love that was hand stitched into that blanket warmed you to health, soothed you to sleep and wrapped you in an embrace of love that you will carry with you deep in your soul no matter if that blanket still exists or not.

Why am I writing about this? Well, I gotta tell you, I sat down to my keyboard to write a blog this evening and I looked over at my wife loving on our puppy and he looked at me with the sweetest brown eyes, blinked his little blonde eyelashes at me and I felt my very being swell with yummy feelings of love. It was like the perfect mixture of warm melted butter and your favorite jelly on toast, oozing out of all my pores. For me that would be more butter than jelly and the jelly would be a very thin, barely visible, smear of strawberry, delicately and purposefully spread to cover the entire piece of toast.

Waffles is our golden's name and he will ALWAYS be with me, no matter if his physical form exists or not. His eternal spiritual being will always be with me even if he re-emerges into another physical being of another dog.

There are two reasons why I am writing about him in this manner. #1- Even though I know what I am knowing about him being with me for ever, I am also knowing that he will transition. when he does it will be before I am ready and I will be sad. #2- I managed to total my car this last week. I was not ready for my car to make that transition and yes, I did feel a flicker of sadness as I cleaned out my little silver bullet today. I said good-bye to my little car and my very first Apozitude window lettering. I sat on the curb next to my car in the auto body shop and looked up to the sky. I thanked the universe for providing me that car and for the car doing such a good job of protecting me. I am grateful for what I have.

Someone asked me later in the day if I was sad to let my car go. I said, "Yes, a little bit, but it was just a car". I would MUCH rather be sitting here cuddling with my sweet little Waffles Bear.

Spilled coffee? Perfect opportunity? YES!

Ok, so you're running late and you're in such a hurry you spill your coffee all over your lap. You rush back into the house to change and then you're running even later to work so you're speeding along and you get pulled over. You get a $150 ticket and you are pounding your fists against your steering wheel in frustration. Could one more thing go wrong? Oh yeah, you could keep this momentum up all day. However, there is a choice, and the reason I used this particular example is because this very scenario happened to me just this last week. However, my result was very different.

I was walking out to my car to go to work and someone had just sent me a text reading, "make it a great day" and I responded, "nothing can keep me from it". I put my phone in my pocket and got in my car. I had my hands full, so I held my coffee cup between my arm and my chest and when I bent over to set my purse down, I poured about 75% of my coffee into my lap. I just had to laugh and I said aloud, "Not even this", after an expletive of course.

I thought to myself this is absolutely perfect! It's the perfect opportunity to prove that nothing can keep me from making this a great day.

Matt in the Hat

I love summer time, especially in Portland Oregon. It rarely gets unbearably hot, and even when it does get a bit warm, it's usually cool in the shade. A nice cold beer is never too far away and that always helps beat the heat.

One of the things I see in the summer time that really baffles my mind is the people who are walkin' around in flip-flops, shorts, a tank top and a beanie (a ski cap, itchy, hot wool/cotton cap). It's summer time. Why do you need a beanie???

Keri and I have discussed this seemingly odd choice amongst ourselves many times and have never come to a reasonable conclusion. It came up again yesterday, because I saw someone wearing a beanie, walking down the street on my way to pick her up from work. When we went to dinner at Dot's Cafe and there was a guy working there who was wearing a beanie. I said to Keri, "I'm going to ask him". She said, "No. You're not?" in her hopeful, oh god please don't, tone. I said, "Ok, but I am going to ask our waitress."

Our waitress didn't know the answer either, but said, "Matt is wearing a beanie today, why don't you ask him. I'll send him over" So here comes Matt in the hat and as he approaches our table he says, "You have a question for me?" So I asked him. His reply was simple, "It feels like a cozy blanket on my head. I don't have any hair and I like it."

The moral of the story, Do what you like. Do what feels good and don't worry if anybody else understands it or not. It's not for them. It's for you. Not everything is for everybody. Thank you Matt in the Hat for the lesson.

Inner Poise

Unless you decide to live like a Tibetan monk or Howard Hughes, you are going to come in contact with people. I guarantee those people live their lives very differently than you do. You cannot avoid people, therefore you will encounter contrast. It has taken quite some time for me to realize this, but I have completely come to terms with the idea that I have ZERO control over anything other than myself and my reactions. When I say I have completely come to terms with this idea, I mean in this very moment, because no one is perfect and I do have my days, my moments when I get flustered by what other people say and do.

However, it is my intention on a daily basis, sometimes a minute to minute basis, to let go of what I have no control over because it simply does not make me feel good. I have to remind myself, Let it go. It doesn't feel good to focus on it. But did you hear what she said to me? I know. Let it go. I can't believe the gall,... I know. Just let it go. But,... Let it go. Ok, I should let it go? Yes. Just take a deep breath and let it go.

So, you can see the challenge I find myself faced with is maintaining my good feeling self in the presence of something I find undesirable. I have noticed that when my attention is focused on something I don't like, that "something that I don't like", lingers and grows. It can ruin a WHOLE day. It is crystal clear that energy flows where attention goes. Resistance equals persistence. When you find yourself pulling against something unwanted, doesn't it seem to just get stronger? That's because your attention to it is like doing a bicep curl, ya see? The resistance of the weight makes your muscle stronger. Same with focusing on the negative OR the positive. Choices!!! We all have choices.

I really don't like this slow moving bumper to bumper traffic, but I love my car and I love this song and I love the sky I can see surrounding all of this traffic. It makes me feel good to look at the sky. The sky is so peaceful it reminds me of being by the ocean and the meditative lull of the waves. The rhythm of the waves rock me to a very peacful serene place. Every time I go to the beach I look at the sky and I take that feeling with me everywhere I go because no matter where I go, there is always sky.

But then there are the more challenging situations. I really don't like the way this person is behaving and I'm not crazy about the way this person is talking to me, but I do like the way I have control over my reactions. I like knowing that I can maintain my sense of calm and their actions belong to them. I like knowing I have space to be me and I can allow them to have their space to be them. I like how good it feels to remain calm. This external experience can not disturb the peace that dwells within my soul.

Peace out.

Be a smart bunny

You know when you see some dumb bunny on a motorcycle on the highway weaving in and out of traffic and all he or she is wearing is a helmet, tennis shoes, shorts and a tank top that he or she really could not value their skin all that much.

Asphalt is very much like the ocean in that they will always win in a battle against the fragility of the human. Just sayin'.

SERENITY NOW!!!!

One of my favorite quotes from a weekend spent with friends, "Oh shit!!! I'm gonna tear this tin can apart." Our friend was telling us about how she was having a little bit of a panic attack when she was on an airplane. Why is it so funny sometimes to hear a story someone is telling about being terrified?

She really had us laughing our asses off when we decided to take a little drive down Long Beach. OH MY GOODNESS!!!! That was some hilarious shit. Ok, twist my arm. I'll spill it. LOL

We had just had a yummy dinner and Lenny wanted to drive down the beach and see the sunset. Okie dokie, we all agreed. Let's go! So, we all piled up in their truck and headed down to the beach. When we get there Sherrie starts barkin' orders to Lenny not to get to close. She's telling him where to drive and we're all laughing and talking. Every once in a while you can hear her nerves in her voice. She didn't want him getting too close to the water. "The tide comes in fast and it could suck us right in. LENNY!!! Don't get too close!!!"

So, in his sensitive and mindful way he steers away from the water. Guess where we went. Yup right into the soft beachy sand. Guess what happened next. Yup, the tires just started spinnin'.

LENNY!!! We're going to die!! Here comes the tide!! Put it in 4 wheel drive and get us out of here!!! If that water gets up to that rock, I am going to FREAK OUT!!! I was thinking, oh, ok. That's when you're going to freak out. Keri, Lenny and I are laughing. Lenny puts it in 4 wheel drive and hits the gas. The whole truck is shakin' like we're having an earthquake. He looks over to us and says, "You feel that?" What Lenny? You mean the whole truck shaking all of our guts down to our asses. Is that what you're asking us if we feel? Yes!! We feel it!!! He smiles his cute little smile and says, "That's four wheels". Yes, indeed. It was four wheels, going nowhere fast. Oh wait, that's not true. We did go about 6 inches forward and about 6 inches backward for about 15 minutes.

The water is creeping closer. Sherrie sinks down into her seat as if she is relinquishing your life to the ocean. We're dead. Lenny and I hop out of the truck and start hand digging trenches out from behind the rear wheels. Keri is laughing her ass off. Sherrie glances back at her like oh my god can you believe this, we're going to get sucked out into the ocean and die. Keri says, don't look at me you are making me laugh. I'm on the passenger side digging out the trench and out of the corner of my eye I notice Sherrie has opened her door and right smack in the middle of her panic is standing on the step up to the truck thingy taking a picture of the sunset. Oh, that's pretty and gets back in the truck.

Some beachy jeep dude stops and says to Lenny, "Hey, you don't have your wheels locked in to 4wheel". He jumps out of his jeep and flips a dial on the front wheels and off we go. Oh my god that was hilarious.

Sherrie posted her sunset picture to Facebook and one of her friends comments, Serenity. There wasn't an ounce of serenity coming from Sherrie that night. It was so funny. I love you Sherrie and Lenny. Thank you, both for a wonderful time.

I am my Captain

I love my life and the new direction I have been steering my ship. I have left the dock and I am traveling on safe smooth waters. Everyone on my ship is a cooperative component and headed in the same direction as me. It just seems like anyone that wants to travel in a different direction, in a different manner or at a different speed is some how finding their way off my ship. I am so pleased to be blissfully drifting with ease in the exact right place at the exact right time. Everything I ever wanted is all lining up in perfect alignment simply because I am tending to my alignment.

Tending fires that fuel true happiness.

Apozitude 101

OK, here's the deal. You wanna talk about things that are awful? You wanna tell me about something that is horrible? You say it makes you feel bad and makes you sad? Here's the deal! With me? You've got 15 seconds and then you're cut off. I value my sense of peace so much so that it is against Apozitude rules to go on for longer that 15 seconds about a subject that brings down the vibe.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you can't do it. I mean if that's your thing, go right ahead if that's really what you wanna do. Just know that after 15 seconds I'll be tuning you out. I don't mean to be rude, I just care that much about how I feel. If you wanna tell me about how much you love little flowers, plants, trees, animals, babies, cars, art, music, computers, and anything really that you are in love with, You've got my full attention. I love to hear about what you love and doesn't it feel so good to talk about what you love?

That's the whole point of life, to be in love, to live life the way it was truly intended for us. Be in love with your life. Focus on the things that bring you complete elation. Drench yourself in the good stuff. Just pour it all over everything, like it's your favorite dressing in the whole wide world (AND it has ZERO calories). Mine is blue cheese. I am living in a blue cheese drenched world and I am absolutly loving it. I don't know there's probably beer and crab in there too.

Life is just too good to spend a single nanosecond on anything other love and happiness. Let's foucus on the good. Yes? Ok, you've got yourself a deal.

Free and Easy

It seems I often find the most amazing things in life are the most simple things in life. I am so in love with my life. I can gaze for extended amounts of time at the contrast between the big beautiful blue sky and any number of things, the greens of a grassy hill, sunlight on the leaves, the vibrant reds and deep purples of the leaves in the trees, the skyward reaching dark silhouettes of the hundred year old pine trees around my neighborhood against the evening sky, the blue of the sky and the white puffy clouds.

A loving touch from my wife as we laugh at all the silly things we laugh about, noda mean? Listening to the laughter of friends joyously conversing with each other. I love the nonsensical laughter of young children. I love the sound and feel of the rhythm of Waffles' breath in my ear when I am hugging him and rapping him on the side of his ribs. I love watching clouds transform from one shape to another.

Why am I telling you all these things I love? Because like I said before these are very simple things and yet the most amazing things in my life. The few things I've mentioned here are just a fraction of the things that capture my attention. I love watching a smile reach across someone's face when I tell them how much I appreciate them or the smile of a stranger when I compliment their smile.

These are mindful choices and I choose to focus upon these things because they are the things that provide the richness of my life. Simple, easy pleasures. It's a form of meditation and a way to bring alive the specialness of this very minute in time. I love to observe the truly beautiful moments in life. A baby learning to hold his head up. A mom learning to empower her young children. My wife lovingly peering at our sweet little Waffles Bear. A co-worker feeling peace, security and happiness. Tears of joy rolling down my counselors face as she tells me that she believes I no longer need her assistance. The sound of relief on the other end of the phone when someone new realizes they won't be judged for their lack of dental care. Creating resolution and a sense of peace in the lives of others. Being at a free and easy point of my life and the desire to share this way of life with you.

These are the riches of my life and the moments that fulfill me.

Yup! I'm making myself a priority

This last week I had the misfortune of having one of my ribs pop right out of place. Yes, Ouch! How did that happen you wonder. Well I'd like to give you a grandiose explanation, about how I had to chase down a bad guy and tackle'em to the ground for stealing an elders personal affects, but alas it more accurately went down a little more like this, I was washing my hair. What??? Yup, that's it. Washing. my. hair. See the chasing scenario was much better, but not true. There is a little more to the story though and this is the part that will make it worth telling.

I know you're thinking, Jeez, I hope so, because that certainly wasn't worth telling. I mean that wasn't even a story. I know. I know. Be patient I'm getting to it. So, there I was standing in the shower washing my hair and all of a sudden I hear this little click. Imagine the subtly of the sound of a finger nail clicking against another. It was that faint, but the affect was immediate. I knew it as soon as I heard it. Anything beyond a shallow breath delivered a great deal of discomfort. I knew I needed to get to the chiropractor as soon as I could and I did.

Four hours after the click, I was on my back, hugging a stuffed teddy bear while the doctor was compressing my ribcage against his hand on the table and hoping against hope for a click in the opposite direction. Attempt #1 - Nope. Attempt #2 - Nope. Damn!!! Ok, let's ice you for 20 minutes, get the inflammation down and try again. So, there I am with the ice on my back and my face squished in that little hole of the table talking to myself about all the things that make me feel better. Thinking everything I can to take my mind off the pain. Meditating on allowing healing to flow into my existance and before I know it the ice has numbed me.

Let's try one more time,... Here's the bear. Take a deep breathe,... compression. Nope. Ok, he says, My recommendation for you is to go home and stay on your back. Ice 20 min on, 40 off for the rest of the day and follow up with another attempt at adjustment. Now. I have to admit, in the past, I would have taken that recommendation and gone right back to work. Not now. I have learned to do what is BEST for me. I called in to work and said I would not be back for the rest of the day.

I took myself home and did exactly as I was instructed. I set a timer and for the next 3 or 4 hours, I iced 20 on and 40 off. I also added a bit of my own knowledge to the process. My genius contribution was to take a little muscle relaxer. That landed me in the bed, sleeping for over 12 hours, but do you know what. When I woke up, that rib was right back where it was supposed to be.

How I felt from one day to the next was like night and day. It felt like a miracle and I believe it was, indeed. I also believe my relief was a direct result of my deliberate intention. In the past I would neglected what was recommended because I wouldn't have wanted to disappoint anyone by being abscent from where I was expected to be. This particuar day I realized I had an opportunity to be true to my authentic self and the only thing that mattered was how good I felt. It felt amazing to do what was right for me. It seems like such a little thing, but to me it was huge. I finally made myself my own #1 priority and boy did I reap the benefits.

A story worth telling? I already know my answer. ;)

Permission Granted

I've noticed lately as I'm focusing on all the positive and wonderful things in life that everything I want is falling right into place. This observation has created a new favorite thing for me to say. Yes, I will share this new thing with you. PLUS, as a bonus I will also grant you permission to use my new favorite thing to say in your daily life, BUT before I do I'm going to share with you what I used to say.

What I used to say and I can't say that I won't ever say it again, it's just that there's been a shift, so I'm saying it less. So, what I used to say is, "It is what it is". I even carved the word IS in stone to make a point. I believe this was the phase of my life in which I was coming to terms with my life and what I had created with a less mindful purpose. I was accepting what I had created for myself. It is what it is.

It's a good phrase for acceptance. I started saying it shortly after my first work conference where we were encouraged to share our vision for our lives as individuals. Checking in with ourselves to see if our mission in life was lining up with the work we were doing. We were instructed to write out our mission statement for our lives. At that point in the conference I realized I didn't have a mission and I was not living my life on purpose. I began to cry, right there in the middle of the conference. I decided right then, I wanted to live a purposeful life. What would my purpose be? I wanted to have a positive affect on others. I didn't know exactly how. I thought, at that time, it would be through my art and at that time my art form was painting.

I followed that path for a while. I had my paintings up in a couple galleries in the Portland area. I displayed several of my dog portraits in Keri's doggie day care and it felt amazing for other people to want to spend their money on my paintings. I sold many paintings and I can't tell you how excited it made me feel. I'd jump around with a zest for life that you often only see from a five year old when they discover they get to do one of their favorite activities. Soon though, I discovered that exhilaration was fleeting. I was becoming disenchanted with the process of creating art and trying to connect with people and have a positive affect on their lives. I still wanted to be a positive force in the world and I wasn't about to give up.

Then one day, my great idea woman suggested, Why don't you write a blog? I had only a slight idea of what a blog was when she made that suggestion. I quickly got acquainted with blogging and here I am a year later still blogging and I don't see an end in sight to the writing. I am inspired everywhere I turn. Every opportunity in my life is a chance at having a positive affect on others. I am the author of Apozitude and "It's only a matter of time" before you will find me on a stage or in front of an audience challenging others to make a shift in their lives.

Yup, that was it. My new favorite thing to say is, "It's only a matter of time". That is exactly when everything happens. Right now and if not, it's only a matter of time. Knowing what you want + getting and staying happy = all your dreams coming true. In the above equation, it's only a matter of time.

I know my way to 9

I have never heard it explained any more simple than this,... "There is more than one way to get to nine. You could go, 8 + 1, then there's the 4 + 5 option, you could even go the 3 + 6 route." And none of those even take into account all the negative numbers plus positive numbers that would get you to the number 9.

What's the point? There's always a point, right? The point is, if the objective is for all of us to get to the same place, in this example the #9, do you really care how I get to 9, as long as it doesn't affect you getting to 9.

Now simply replace the #9 with the word happiness. I'll get to happiness my way and you do it your way. That way we both win.

My Mom is a Keeper

I am not sure why some people cry when they are overwhelmed with joy, but I am one of those people. I get cold chills all over my body and it feels like I get goose bumps on my face and tears well up in my eyes. Every single time my dad told me about the day I was born and how he cried tears of joy he would cry. Then he would say "tears of joy, baby girl, tears of joy" even when I was in my 30's. My mom still calls me baby girl. I like it.

Why am I writing about tears of joy again? I'll tell you why. My life is so full of joy right now, it seems I have been crying tears of joy everyday. I just had a wonderful text exchange with my mom and I am so grateful for her love and support.

I don't know how many of you know this or not, but when I was born my mom and dad decided to name me Angela Rene, which by the way I am very grateful for, because I understand at one point Olga was on the table. My dad thought it was a strong name. Thank you Mom for dissuading him from that option. Let me just say, Whew!! Anyway, I never ever went by Angela. I have been Angel my whole life and I have always wanted to change it legally to Angel. So, guess what I did. Keri printed off the forms and I drove myself out to the courthouse and filed a petition to change my name. I can not tell you how good it feels.

I didn't know exactly how my mom would take it. I told her I was going to do it maybe a year or so ago and she seemed ok with it, but today when I told her via text that I had actually gone to the courthouse, her response was, "no problem, does one letter change my baby girl? I think not. I understand.... let nothing stand in your way". My response to that was this, "Nothing will. My path has been cleared". I love that momma of mine. She's a keeper. So I think I will. Keep her that is. :)

You will or you won't

I am having a very emotional morning. I have never felt so close to MY DREAMS COMING TRUE. I am the author of Apozitude and I am ready to be given the chance to infuse the people around me with an elevated mood and a chance at a better life. I am ready to shine the light on the possibilities. I am ready to speak about the fact that YOU are the creator of your own destiny. As I am typing these words I am overwhelmed with joy. Tears of joy are welling up in my eyes, because I am living the reality of the speach I am ready to give.

My life has never been better than it is right now. I believe I am dancing and playing with the Ultimate Creative Source. I am so happy because I believe I am living in the realm of all the answers. I have access to everything I will ever need and the truly amazing thing is that we all have this access. We simply have to allow it to flow. When I release resistance, nonsense just does not matter. I find myself saying, Well, that was unpleasant and unnecessary and it melts away. When resistance melts away, it creates space for clarity. When there is space for clarity it simply flows right into place. Arguments and disagreements that used to seem so important, now seem very inconsequential. It is no longer necesary to have a disagreement because there is no sense in it. We will ALWAYS have a difference of opinion because we are different people. We have different vaules. We will ALWAYS see things from different perspectives. ALWAYS.

Do we want to spend our always in dispute? Not me. I believe there is plenty of space for you to be right, and for me to be right as well, because that's just the way it is. I am so happy to know what I know and I am eager to share it with anyone that is ready to hear it. I'm not even about to worry if you're not ready to hear it. #1 because you being ready to hear it has nothing to do with my level of happiness and #2 You will be ready when you're ready. Until then, I'll be right here living happily ever after.

Not everything is for everyone, just sayin'

My wife and I went to what we call church this past Sunday. I guess we started calling this activity church because we are pretty consistent about this activity every Sunday. I won't keep you in the dark any longer. We go to Escape From New York Pizza on NW 23rd every Sunday and yes we call it going to church. We order a slice and a beer each.

We've been so consistent in this ritual that we have deemed the gal that works there the High Priestess and the last three Sundays she has provided an impromptu sermon. It really is quite fun. I'm sure some would perceive it as blasphemous, but I believe that I am created from the ultimate creative source and if that is true and IT IS, then there is NO WAY that ultimate creative source doesn't have a sense of humor. I am certain a sense of humor is a part of the bigger part of everything.

Anyway, on display at Escape there are several toys and action figures, but there is one in particular that has caught my eye several times. When you're at the register paying for your order you can see a very muscular GI Joe action figure on the back wall. This particular GI Joe is very clearly rather well endowed in the britches. The action figure is usually clothed and that was the case during our most recent visit, however the trousers were down around mid-thigh exposing most of his rather large member.

I brought this partial exposure to the attention of the High Priestess and she said, "Oh he's been up there so long exposing his whole self to the world that I've totally forgotten about him. Nobody seems to care". I didn't really care either, but I just thought they'd wanna know. I wasn't offended because as I said before I believe that a sense of humor is part of the bigger part of everything. If you can't have a laugh at things what are you here for anyway? Right? We're here to have fun and everyone's version of fun is different.

What I thought of in that fleeting moment was this; it is possible that someone may find it offensive for a business to have an anatomically correct partially exposed action figure on display or that someone refers to eating pizza and drinking beer as "going to church", but it may also be offensive to someone else that a person or group of people would approach a complete stranger and try to convince or convert others to "their way" of thinking and living, such as "Follow my religion". Not everything is for everyone and I believe as long as there is no harm being done or intended harm to anyone that we all should respect the rights and privacy of others.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="320"] Praise Jesus! Beer and pizza for everyone!![/caption]

The Value of Vulnerability

I don't know how any of you feel about counseling, but I LOVE IT!!! Except when I hate it, she said with a smile on her face because she was on the "loving" side of it. However, I could not be on the loving side of it IF I didn't deliberately work through the hating it part of it. The hating part comes from addressing deep fears and exposing the very vulnerable parts of yourself. It can be very scary and emotional. It's a process, and I really really wanted to feel better. I am diligent in my efforts to feel better. The more I focus on what makes me feel better, the easier it gets, and the easier it gets, the better I feel, and the better I feel the easier it gets. I know it sounds far too simple, but I don't really know how to explain it any clearer.

I started counseling in January 2014 for about the 17th time in my life. Seriously! I honestly just went and wrote down all the times in my life that I could remember that I've been through some kind of therapy to help me find my authentic self. Some being traditional, some work shops, some hypnosis, some church and that doesn't even include all the self-help books I've torn through over the years and all the meditation and other forms of healing I've been through in pursuit of a sense of peace within myself.

All I ever wanted was to be true to myself and feel a sense of peace that I was content with myself and my life exactly as it was. When I sat in that chair across from my counselor and was asked, What is your therapeutic objective? My answer was, "I want to be me. I want to do what I want to do and not care what anyone else thinks." I wanted to be free of the bondage I placed on myself all those years. The bondage of trying to make everyone else happy (and by the way nobody asked me to make them happy). I just took it upon myself as my sole purpose to ensure everyone around me was happy. Do you have any idea how tiresome and utterly impossible the task was that I had set before myself?

I was ready to let all that go. I was in tears. I was fed up with myself and I had been preparing myself for a life changing shift. I just wasn't sure how to let go of the fear and the doubt. It was HEAVY and nobody really knew how badly I was suffering, because I carried it all inside of me. I think Keri began to understand because there were so many tearful uncomfortable conversations. I didn't really want to burden anyone with my internal suffering, I wanted everyone to be happy. I was sacrificing myself and my own happiness, but to what end? I was fed up with not feeling free, plus my attempts to make others happy were failing.

Today as I am writing this very blog the song One Moment in Time by Whitney Houston came on and I had to stop typing because tears of joy were pouring down my face and blurring my vision. I raised my arms above me and cried glorious tears of joy as Whitney belted out these words, "I broke my heart, fought for every gain, to taste the sweet, I face the pain, I rise and fall, Yet through it all, This much remains, I want one moment in time, When I'm more than I thought I could be, When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away, and the answers are all up to me, give me one moment in time, when I'm racing with destiny, then in that one moment of time. I will feel eternity."

There could not have been more perfect words being sung into my ears as I wrote about my transformation. With my arms reaching for the ceiling, head tilted back, face looking straight up, tears streaming down my face and filling my ears. I repeatedly said aloud, Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I got my moment in time and I am reliving that moment over and over and over again. I never get tired of being me and feeling totally free. It IS all up to me and it feels too damn good not to allow anything else to creep in and taint my wonderful mood. And that my friend is the value of vulnerability.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="320"] You can't see them in this drawing, but there were tears of joy. You're just going to have to trust me.[/caption]

Who? Me?

I don't know, maybe it's because I'm a bit literal, but it always cracks me up when I read the comments of a selfie that's been posted to FB and someone asks, Where are you in this picture? I have to smile and usually give this kind of response, Right there in the center, Silly!

Me? literal? perhaps. :)

No means NO! Say YES to Happiness.

Hey guess what. Chicken butt? NO!!!! Not chicken butt, however that is a great lead in to what I am planning to write about today. Chicken butt??? Again, no I wasn't planning to write about chicken butt. My plan today is to write you a permission slip.


Today I am granting you permission to say, NO. Yes, I am talking to you. The one reading this who is thinking something along the lines of, Oh you just don't know my situation, and to that line of thinking, I have to agree. It is highly probabIe that I, in fact, do not know the exact details of your situation. I may not even know you at all, but what I do know is that the basis of the majority of problems is that fact that we are saying yes when we would much rather be saying no. Would you agree?


I would provide examples, but I feel certain you know exactly what I am talking about and your own exaples already popped up in your head. All I am trying to say is that sometimes people think if they work real hard and can try to solve all the problems that are presented to them, that achieving the end result will provide a sense of happiness. I am hear to tell you that it is a false premise.

I see people work their asses off all the time. Struggling along and getting all stressed out in the process and to what end? Are you pleased with yourself when you have spent your entire day wrestling the problems of the day to the ground? You do not have to solve ALL the problems of ALL the people around you. I used to have a similar belief and I know for me, it was really stressful to try and make all the people happy all the time.

I finally realized the only person's happiness that I can truely have an affect on is my own. I started saying no and requesting what it was that I wanted in my life to make me happy. AND do you know what? It really is ok to say no. I still have my job, I still have my happy loving relationship and it all is better than ever because I am focused on what makes me happy.