He'll be 24 in October. WOW!

Right out of my journal from 12-14-08
Well, I got older since I wrote last. Generally speaking that happens every time, right? Every time I write I'm older than the last time I wrote. Aging doesn't really bother me. I feel young, I am young. This is not one of those, "Say it till you believe it" things. I really am young. I really do feel young. I am discovering who I am. I know a great deal about myself.

Recently, I've been thinking and processing my idea of who I am in relationship to Garrison. I've been reading a book that is for men called, Mothers, Sons and Lovers. The premiss is how a man's relationship with his mom affects all other relationships. I've not read a great deal of the book, but what I have gleaned so far is that I've done the best I could do with the tools that I have. I feel like I did the right thing by not allowing Garrison to move in with his dad until he was older and really he made the decision to move all on his own, which I see as a really great thing.

Garrison felt he needed something different from his life than what he was getting here in Oregon with Keri and I and he made the decision for his his life. That is a brave thing to do for a 16-year-old young man. Good for him! I always told him, "This is your life and you have to live it your own way" and that is exactly what he is doing.

I can't teach what I don't know, so I taught what I do know. I used some of the tools my mom gave me and some I didn't find useful, he will do the same. The main thing regarding Garrison is I want him to be happy and true to himself. If true to himself is in Oklahoma then I support it and I mean that sincerely. I had to be true to myself and move to Oregon which is away from my mom. Being true to myself and moving wasn't about getting away from my mom, it just happened to work out that way. It's so much easier for me to be the mom that I am when I reflect on myself at Garrison's age. I have Keri to thank for that perspective.

I asked my mom recently how long it took for us to become "friends" she thought the easy flow didn't come until late to mid 30s. I believe it will be different for Garrison and I. I'm not sure how it will pan out, but I trust that we will be close. As close as we want, while remaining true to ourselves and whatever kind of relationship comes out of a mom and a son being true to themselves delivers is the kind of relationship we will have. For now and for always I will let it be. I feel like I have raised him with the idea in mind that he is not responsible for my happiness or my emotional stability. I was I was responsible for him when he was young, but he is taking over that job now and he will do his best.

I had an "aha moment" right before my birthday as I was wondering if he would call or contact me and I decided I'd have a happy birthday whether he contacted me or not because my happiness doesn't depend on him, it depends on me. The sweet boy sent me a text. What a great gift from him, just the thought of me and follow through with contact. "Everything is unfloding in it's perfect time and I'm enjoying where I am now in relationship to where I'm going. Content where I am, and eager for more" I have a great deal more to learning and I'm eager for more.