I can not lie and I have to admit that when I got home from work last week, I looked for Waffles. I looked for him every time I got out of bed, so I wouldn't step on him. I think about him every time I open a baby bell cheese or anything else that crinkles, like seaweed snacks, potato chips and crackers. I think about him when I drive past places we walked which was all over the place, because he liked to sniff out new places and he enjoyed seeing new paths. So, we took him everywhere.
I had been keeping all of this to myself because I didn't want to upset Keri. I wondered if sharing these things with her would be upsetting or comforting? The thing is it seems I loved that Waffles Bear more than I realized. It seems like I would know how much I love him, but loosing him makes it very clear and it hurts sometimes to talk about him and I don't wanna hurt. I have a feeling that Keri doesn't want to hurt anymore either, because I noticed one day last week that she had taken all but one of his pictures off the fridge.
The house feels so different without his bed at the base of my chair, without his food bowls in the kitchen, without his couch covered in his blanket and no babies strewn about the floor. I do miss him so very much and with tears in my eyes, a lump in my throat and an ache in my heart I know with every fiber of my being that he is in a much better place. I know he has relief from the body that was failing him. His eyes were sharp and clear until the last hours of his life. He was tired and his body could no longer do the things he loved so much.
I did talk to Keri about my feelings and these tugs on my heart and it turned out to be of comfort to her. She told me I didn't have to be the strong one and we both are going through this process. We are graciously allowing each other the space we need to process in our own ways.
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