Where were you in 1993?

What do you now know that you didn't know a few hours ago? Well, let me tell you. I posed this question to myself last weekend and I didn't really have an answer at the moment, so I just let the question sit in my pages doc for a bit.

Later in the week the answer was revealed to me. However, I didn't realize at the time it was the answer. I simply posted another little reminder in my pages doc. Then this weekend as I was reviewing my ideas for blogs I realized I had posed this question at one point and later unknowingly presented the answer.

What I didn't know when I posed this question is that one of the worst years of my life, 1993, was one of the best years of someone else's life. Now in the grand scheme of things this should have been pretty clear to me, but I wasn't looking at the big picture.

I asked one of my co-workers this last week what year she was born and she said, "1993. What were you doing in 1993?". I reflected for a moment and informed her that I was going through the beginning stages of a divorce from my son's father.

She frowned a bit and said, "That's not a fun memory to associate with the year that I was born" and I said something along the lines of her being right, but now that I knew she was born in 1993 I had a much more positive association to that year. She smiled and said, "Well that's a very positive way of looking at it" and I agreed.

Haven't you ever had a not so great experience with a person of a certain name and then later in life met a new person with the same name? Automatically, you kinda feel icky towards that new person because of your past experience. Well, it's an opportunity to change the association with that name and the same goes for 1993. I am pleased to relate this year with the idea that my friend and co-worker was born that year. What a wonderful year.

Keeping it Simple

Sign of Intelligence? Sure, I'll give you that one.

Standing next to Keri in our socked feet prior to our work out one day this past weekend we were getting a bit of a chuckle out of the fact that our toes are so different. Her second toe is longer than her big toe and her third toe is about the same length as her big toe. My toes on the other hand are all incrementally smaller than the first. This is a big reason why she's so adept at all those damned balancing poses in yoga.

As we parted from the piggy comparison, Keri nonchalantly said in her dry all serious tone, "Having a longer second toe is a sign of intelligence" and I playfully retorted, "Yes, and allowing you to believe so, is too".

We had a good little laugh.

Disney presents,... Incentive

I did something this weekend that reminded me of being a little kid. It's not surprising really because I can be pretty immature sometimes. Although I prefer to reference it as being "child like" rather than childish or immature. I guess it depends on who's telling the story. LOL

When I was a kid I often would wait until Sunday to do my homework. I would not only wait until Sunday, I would wait until right before The Wonderful World of Disney aired on Sunday evening. I wanted to watch that program so bad it was a great incentive for my mom to use. Back then there was no Disney Channel or Cartoon Network that played cartoons and Disney shows 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. There was cartoon day (Saturday morning 8-12) and The Wonderful World of Disney (Sunday evening 7-8).

The opening of The Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom was like my warning bell along with my mom's warning, "It's only an hour now until Disney, you'd better finish your homework". I really liked Wild Kingdom too and it was quite distracting, but I had to finish homework because Disney was like the holy grail before the school week started. Disney deserved 100% of my attention, unlike Wild Kingdom or my homework. :)

The thing I did this weekend was wait until Sunday to write my 5 blogs for the week. I usually try to write a couple or at least get started on a couple of ideas during the week. Then do a little more writing on Friday when I am off work from my paying job, so I only have to finish up on Saturday and Sunday. It takes a great deal of love, dedication and good time management skills to have a full time job, have a successful relationship and write and illustrate a blog that posts 5 days a week. I love it though. It is such a wonderful form of therapy for me.

I love writing about things that have challenged me and about finding my way to a better way of living for me. I like sharing this process and providing an opportunity for others to see that living a happy life is as easy as a single choice, even if you have to rededicate yourself to that single choice time and time again, which I do. Even though there have been some dark and challenging times in my life and there could be in your life too right this very minute, my hope is that Apozitude will create a flicker of hope. A break in the darkness, a smile on your face and a sense of levity that could bring awareness that there is, in fact, a choice for happiness.

So, yes, I did wait this week until right before The Wonderful World of Disney to write and illustrate the 5 blogs I present to you this week, but I guarantee you won't notice a change in your subscription this week. There will be an Apozitude e-mail in your inbox every day this week and hopefully there will be a little something in one of them that lightens your day. Unless of course, you don't subscribe and then you'll just have to hope you catch my post on Facebook or you remember to look it up on line. Why not just go ahead and subscribe? You know you don't wanna miss a single post.

Relearning Self Soothing

I am applying myself just a little bit more every day to the process of being happy and maintaining my own happiness. I am talking further and further about the good feeling feelings that I am having. When I slip into recognizing something that doesn't feel good I am going to go easy on myself and encourage myself to let it go. I am going to soothe myself into a better feeling place.

"I just decided to chill more. I just decided to focus on the best feeling things in my day. I decided to get a better nights sleep. I decided to get up in the morning and get off on a better foot. I decided to direct my thoughts towards things that feel good. I've discovered what a magnificent world this is and I love this world and all the people in it. I am finding so many things in every day to praise and appreciate and I think that's what's made the difference for me." paraphrased from an Abraham-Hicks video on YouTube.

This is the difference I want in my life. There is nothing I can do about what you choose to focus upon and how that choice makes you to feel. I love you very much, but time and time again I come to this realization that I can not want it bad enough for you. You have to want the difference in your life for it to work for you, but I have every reason to be conscientious about my focus. I am making a promise to myself to focus on the best feeling thing I can find in my right here right now

I make healthy choices. I am alive and well and I am just allowing myself to get weller.

Yes, I said Dangly Ear Rings and Pom Poms

I think it was right about the time that I was 5 years old that I remember liking the feeling of being thought of as a boy. My feelings ran the gamut through my life on this subject. When I was young before I knew what being gay meant, I really liked the idea of being mistaken for a boy. I liked to play out side, climb trees, play sports, and I distinctly remember liking to push the merry-go-round when the girls would pile on for a spin. It seems like I enjoyed making them squeal with joy as I spun them around on that faster faster faster merry-go-round.

I can remember one of my friends from kindergarten telling me when we were a little older, probably 4th or 5th grade that she remembered me from the very first day of kindergarten. She remembered that I was wearing a green pants outfit with what she remembers as cowboy boots. I don't remember having any green pants outfit or cowboy boots, but I remember how I felt when she said she thought I was a boy. Even as a 4th or 5th grader it created this sort of beaming feeling in me from the inside. I think because it felt more like a fit for me at the time than not knowing what my confusing feelings were about having crushes on girls.

What I wonder is how does such a little kid grasp the concept of feeling confused? I guess it has to do with societal constructs. I mean at that time and in that region of the country there were no examples of being gay. I had no point of reference. All the couples I saw were male/female and the only rational thing that made sense to me was that I wanted to be a boy.

Then there was the time in my life when I was desperately tying to create and maintain the facade that I was a "normal" girl and that I liked boys. To prove my point in my social realm, even as young as 7th grade I did things with boys that only girls that liked boys would do. (I feel an apology to my mom would be appropriate right about now. I'm sorry if this is a surprise to you, Mom.)

It wasn't until I was 17 that I actually needed birth control, but I did start messing around as early as 7th grade. It felt awful. I didn't like the way it felt doing it. I didn't like the feeling of rumors being spread about me by my friends, but the confusing part was, I did like the feeling of doubt being removed regarding whether or not I was "normal". It was the weirdest conflicting situation I can ever recall. I am so glad, I mean I can't even tell you how glad I am that those days of confusion are over.

In high school I was on the drill team, which I prefer to call the pom pom squad because we never did ANY choreographed routines with riffles or flags. All the performances we ever did were dance routines with pom poms to music. I even dated a football player. I wore an upper class man's class ring. I wore make up and dangly ear rings. Hell! I did every single thing I thought I could do to divert all attention away from the fact that I had a huge crush on a girl, who just happened to be the captain of the "pom pom" squad.

I simply can not tell you how happy I am now to be the woman that I am. I am a woman that loves her wife. I am so blessed to live in a place and a time that accepts and embraces the love that I have for my wife. It is my sincere desire that all love is accepted and the confusion that I endured will be a distant and unfathomable memory.

My Vow, My Quest

As a person that works with people it is my fervent effort to keep at the forefront of my mind that it is NOT what I do that will make the strongest impression, rather it is the feeling people have as they share time with me and what they carry with them as they depart into their day. The best way I know to have an amazing and transcendent impression on someone is to be very focused on keeping myself in a happy place. I can choose to let go of any little annoyance and I have the power to focus on what pleases me.

I have a little post-it note up at my desk that reads, "I vow to offer the best of myself today". The thing for me to remember is to be easy on myself. My best will vary from day to day, even moment to moment, as I have encounters with people and process and deal with those experiences.

I am the only one that can determine how important is it to me to be happy. I like having fun. I like feeling love. I like being real with people. I enjoy my exuberance for life. It may be too much for some, but it's the perfect amount for me and it seems to be working just fine for me.

So, when given the choice, which is every single time, I will do my best to ignore annoyances and focus on things that please me. It's one coin and there will always be two sides. My quest, find the good.

Freedom Project

The other day I was on my way to work and this soothing reassuring feeling came over me and the words that ran through my mind went like this, "Today is full of opportunities. Every opportunity that I'm faced with today has two options. One that supports my intention to feel good and one that doesn't. Today it is my intention to choose the best feeling thought, action or response that assists me with my long term alignment."

I practice everyday placing purposeful intention towards the best feeling situation, because I know that like energy attracts like energy. I want the best of the best that life has to offer. I'm not perfect and I have my trips and slips, but with practice the recovery time is much shorter than it used to be. This pleases me.

I wanted to share an amazing conversation I had the opportunity to participate in other day. I was chatting on the phone and a friend of mine was telling me that she was going through a divorce. I asked her how she was doing and she laughed a bit and said, "I am just enjoying the process of my freedom project".

I asked her if it was ok for me to share this in my blog because I really liked the perspective she was choosing. Divorce is difficult in the best of circumstances, but to be seeing this event in her life as a "Freedom Project" was very moving and yet another perfect example of making a choice to place purposeful intention towards the best feeling thing in that situation.

What ever the question, LOVE is the answer. Weather it is self love or love for another, love will always feel good.

Simple Kind of Man

I was sitting in a little pub this last week doing a little bit of writing while I was waiting for Keri to get off work. I had my headphones on, as I always do when I am writing, to assist with keeping me focused. I tend to be more people oriented than task oriented. I have to wear my headphones to mask the sound of voices, so I can pretend I am in my own little world. Otherwise, I would never be able to keep myself from participating in conversations. I even wear them at home.

Anyway, that was a little bit of a bunny trail, because what I intended to write about is the fact that even with my headphones on I happen to notice a song playing in the pub. It was Lynyrd Skynyrd's Simple Kind of Man. I'm not really a Skynyrd fan and I couldn't even tell you off the top of my head another song by this group (Keri interjects, “Really, how about Free Bird”). So, why did I notice this song? Well, that's what I am just about to tell you.

Several years back there actually was a time when more phone calls went to cell phones than text messages. It's true!!! Remember???? and we wanted to know exactly who was calling, so we assigned certain songs to certain people, so when that song played through our phones we knew who was calling. Well, I discovered that the song my son, Garrison, assigned to me was Simple Kind of Man. I had not heard, rather did not remember ever hearing this song. It certainly was not familiar to me. I don't remember inquiring too much about the song at the time, the information just sort of got filed away in my mind, perhaps because I wasn't familiar,... I'm not really sure.

For some reason the other day when I heard it in that pub, it kinda stuck out and I jotted the title down in my notes. I asked Keri about the song later in the day and she gave me her perception of the song and it touched me deeper. I thought to myself how touching that my teenage son, at the time, would choose this song as his ring tone for me.

I came home and looked up the song on YouTube. I have listened to it about 5 or 12 times and it gives me cold chills every single time. I've listened to it on repeat as I write this blog. I love my son so much and it touches my heart deeply to know that he paid attention to the heartfelt talks we had in an attempt on my part to gently guide him into a happy self sufficient positively contributing member of society. It was my intention throughout his life to share with him in a myriad of ways this message, "I am your momma and you are my son. It's true that I'm older than you, but that doesn't mean I always know what is best for you. Before you are my son, you are your own person and this is your life. You have to live it your way. I won't always agree with your decisions, but that will never stop me from loving you".

Wear Your Kindness on the Outside

You never know when you might come across someone who is right in the perfect place to receive the blessing of your kindness. I stopped by the gas station down the street from my house last week to fill up. I went to this particular gas station because I wanted to check in on a guy I met there the last time I got gas.

Not this most recent time, but the previous time, I pulled in and rolled down my window to discover this sweet faced scruffy haired man with what looked like a bite right through his bottom lip. Being the curious sort that I am, I asked him, "Oh Man!!! What happened to your lip?" and without a second thought he told me about his seizure disorder.

He recently had a grand mal seizure and bit down on his bottom lip, almost all the way through. I cringed a bit and said, "Oh geez! I am so sorry. That looks really painful. I have a seizure disorder too and I have never had that happen". He was very sweet and open about his condition as was I and I told him I sincerely hoped he found the right combination of meds to get control. He thanked me and I went on my way.

I have thought about him often ever since. When I pass the gas station I look for him because when someone has a seizure disorder and their condition isn't under control you just never know what might happen. Nobody is promised tomorrow and a seizure disorder kinda increases your odds, ya know?

When I realized I needed gas I knew exactly where I was going. My hope was that he would be working that day and as luck would have it, he was there. I pulled up to the pump, rolled down my window, turned the radio down and made my request for a fill up. He said, "Coming right up".

Once he started pumping the gas he turned away from the car and I checked to insure I was the only car there and then poked my head out the window. I said, " I think of you every time I drive by here" with a friendly smile. He spun around and tilted his head in a inquisitive manner and gestured towards himself as he clarified, "You mean the station or me specifically?" I let him know it was him specifically and reminded him about our conversation.

He updated me on his seizure activity and said, "Every day I wake up, I just keep coming to work and try to focus on the good in my life". I took that as the perfect opportunity to let him know about this blog. I gave him one of my cards and explained what Apozitude was about and he shared some other challenges with me that I will respectfully keep to myself. I told him to keep his chin up, not in those exact words, but to remember that more people than he realizes are pulling for him. He told me he has heard some pretty amazing things and that the big guy upstairs was good to him.

I hope he looks up this blog and sees that he has touched someones life.

Yup, It was the Chicken Pillow

I don't know if any of you have ever encountered this situation, but I thought I'd share just in case anyone else has had this perplexing experience. I feel fine, actually I feel great. I have lots of energy and feel an overall exuberance for life. I dance through my days and generally have fun every day. However, when I go to bed, all of a sudden I get a stuffed up nose. I'm not able to breath through my nose at all and I start sneezing quite a bit.

I wake up with puffy eyes, a very dry mouth (from mouth breathing all night) and completely clogged up. The last time this was happening to me I discovered I was either allergic to or severely sensitive to my pillow. It was a down pillow, but I not so affectionately referred to it as my chicken pillow.

The pokey end of the feathers would stick out and poke me in the uber sensitive parts of my neck, like right behind my ear, and I would just hunt for the pokey end and pull that sucker right out. It was often the middle of the night, so I would just throw it on the floor. Some times I'd set it on my night stand, but for real it was a feather, so it inevitably it would end up on the floor anyway.

I finally went to my naturopath and he suggested that I "cook" my pillows. What? You want me to do what to my pillows? He suspected I wouldn't know what he was talking about and my facial expression confirmed his suspicion, so he quickly suggested placing the pillows in the dryer on the highest heat available for about 30 minutes.

OK, but why? Why? Oh, to kill dust mites. Ewe! WARNING!!! DO NOT GOOGLE DUST MITES!!!! It will creep you out. There, now, I am not responsible if you get a wild hair and decide to look it up anyway. That shit is on you, cuz I warned you. Just know that I'm still trying to shake the heebie-geebies from looking it up myself for this blog. Ewe.

You don't have to look up dust mites to start cooking your pillows. You could simply trust me and start cooking your pillows today and be free of congestion, sneezing and puffy eyes caused by these little buggers. Oh and I should also mention that I no longer have a chicken pillow, more commonly known as a down pillow. I switched to a hypoallergenic pillow. Ahhhh, much better.

The Dangers of Going Girlie

How come nobody warned me? Why didn't someone take me aside and give me a slight indication? I really had no idea that going girlie would have hazards to my health. What? You didn't know either? Wow! I am really glad to be able to offer this information.

One of the possible dangers of getting girlie is when you let your hair grow out you might be inclined to twirl your hair. You may think this is a harmless act, however prolonged hair twirling can create an achy shoulder, elbow, forearm and hand. Obviously, I have a hair twirling problem.

My massage therapist asked me this last week, "What's going on with your left shoulder?". I admitted to her that I hadn't quit twirling my hair. "What?", she exclaimed, "What am I doing here? I am trying to help heal your muscles and you haven't quit that yet?" I turned to her with a big'ol guilty smile on my face, with my index finger to my lips as I jokingly shushed her. I said, "Shhhh, don't tell anyone". Then vowed to stop. I never really thought about my hair twirling having a serious affect on anything, but it turns out it is harmful and kinda painful to me and creates more work for her.

This new perspective will have a stronger impact on my choice to say NO to the twirling.

Tree in the Wind

I don't how many of you have tried yoga, but I've been dabbling with yoga for probably five years or so, give or take a little. When I say dabbling with yoga, I mean following different yoga classes on several different work out dvd series that we do at home. I haven't really had any formal yoga training. Well, that's not exactly true. My boss at work did provide a yoga instructor one day a week during our lunch for a period of time. I don't remember how long it was, but it definitely was a novice level class.

Anyway, the reason I brought it up today is because Keri and I did a yoga work out today and I don't know if it has anything to do with my Fred Flintstone toes or what, but my balancing poses are a total crack up. My balancing tree with hands in prayer DOES NOT exist. I can get in balancing tree but my tree is definitely enduring some kind of wind storm. I can't even get my hands in prayer. Maybe that's why it's not working.

My hands are always waving in the breeze trying to assist with balance. I think my stubby little toes provide little support in a one legged balancing pose. Keri on the other hand has long grippy toes and she stands so still and poised in her balancing tree pose with her hands perfectly and peacefully pressed together in prayer.

News Flash

New flash people: It, whatever "it" is, will always….yes I said ALWAYS, be in the very last place you look. You can't find your keys? You look on the table by the front door. Nope. In your jacket pocket hanging in the closet? Nope. On the kitchen counter? Nope. How about on your dresser in the bedroom? YES!!! There they are. What do you know? They were in the very last place I looked.

Of course. Wouldn't you be kinda crazy to keep looking for them once you found it? Just sayin'.

This actually is a case when you can say ALWAYS.

The "More"

Just in case you were wondering, the answer is YES, there is more to that Don't Frazzle my Dazzle story. There is always more to the story. This time, I think the "more" is important to share. So, why didn't I share it in the original blog? To be completely honest the "more" to that story threw me for a loop yesterday and I was pretty well exhausted when I wrote the original version last night, BUT this morning, after a couple slight adjustments I am feeling a resurgence of dazzle.

I knew when I wrote that blog last night that I wanted to share the "more" because I led out with,"I think it's important to share these experiences,....", but I also knew I had to respect the space that I was in and honor my true self by holding back for the moment. I am so glad I waited to share that portion of the story, because I am in a much clearer space and I have some insight now that I didn't have last night.

So, the rest of the story is that, as I was talking to one of my favorite patients, I actually told him that I was grateful to be spending that moment with him because I was anticipating the arrival of a person who I've had several negative encounters with in the past. Which is true and I won't go into specifics because it doesn't create good feelings in me to do so and I care enough about how I feel to leave it in the past.

HOLY COW!!!

Paradigm shift!!!

I just realized that as I am retelling this story I noted in the previous paragraph that I care enough about how I feel to leave the details in the past. However, it seems the retelling of this story reveals that I could care a little more, otherwise, I wouldn't have carried those feelings from the past regarding the negative encounters person to my experience yesterday. So, why is it ok to write about it now?

The determining factor in all cases when you are retelling a story is how does it make you feel? Does it feel good? Does it make you feel alive? Does it feel icky? Does it insight anger as you retell it? If it feels good? Tell it! Talk about why it feels good. Really feel the good and more of those experiences will come to you. Same things goes for the icky and the angry, though too, when you retell it and really feel those feelings again more of "THAT" it will come to you. You have amazing magical powers, be sure you're using them with intention.

Does it feel good to admit that I was judging a man for his past behaviors? No, not one of my prouder moments, but how do I feel telling you about it? I feel amazing because I learned something about myself. I learned that I am pretty good at having control of myself when I am dealing with myself. Being aware of controlling what I say and do and how it makes me feel. However, it seems more practice is in order when dealing with people and situations that are out of my control, which to be honest is MOST things, right? And ALL people.

Erase the past by letting it go. It doesn't feel good to hold on to it anyway. Just let it go. Free up your hands to take ahold of the reins and harness that positive emotion to create a brighter tomorrow. I am a happy person. I am a spreader of love and joy. I have a strong desire to encounter people and for them to depart feeling better having seen me.

Don't Frazzle my Dazzle

I think it's important to share these experiences, because it sheds light on things that might tend to be kept in the dark. I was having an amazing day today. I danced all the way to work, listening to a specific play list that Keri created. It has a ton of awesome feeling songs on it. When I listen to certain songs that get me excited about my life and all the wonderful things that are happening I just have to move, and by move I mean groove. Dance! Feeling pure love energy flowing to me and through me. It always feels so amazing and all I can see is smiles.

I was soaring high. One of my favorite patients came into the office and we were talking about some challenges he was experiencing in his work. Managerial problems and how he knew he was allowing someone to have power over him, holding him apart from his natural awesomeness. Well, earlier in the day, my mail person came by and I greeted her with exuberance as I was approaching the door to lock it for lunch and I was happy to have her arrive right at that moment, so I could accept the mail. She said when she saw my enthusiasm, "You may not be happy when you see what I've got for you".

It was a postage due slip. You might be thinking, why would you care about a postage due slip. Well, the previous day I received one as well and we ran into a just enough change issue and she thought I might be upset by the reoccurrence. I replied, "Oh I wouldn't think of allowing such a thing to affect my happiness" as I casually went back to my bosses office and found the change I needed to pay the postage.

I shared this little story with my patient in an effort to assist him with his situation. He agreed he was allowing another persons behavior to affect his level of happiness. We seemed to see eye to eye on this particular topic. It was a good conversation about being accountable for our choices.

We discussed how practicing maintaining our level of happiness regarding small circumstances on a regular basis, such as not having enough change for postage helps us to be more prepared when bigger circumstances present themselves. The example we discussed was preparing yourself for difficult balancing poses in yoga. You can't just enter an advanced class and expect to be able to a firefly pose right out of the gate. You have to warm up and practice your flexibility. You have to train yourself.

The same goes for life's most challenging situations. When you practice dealing with smaller issues and maintaining your level of happiness, I promise you will find it much easier to deal with those more difficult situations. When you practice, you will find yourself recovering much quicker when you do encounter a situation that gets you frazzled.

Blessed Beyond Words

Hey, have you ever had one of those days? I'm sure you have. You know the kind of day where it seems like no matter what you're doing, every little thing you attempt seems to work out just perfectly. You drive up to the light and just as you think to lift your foot off the gas to press the break, the light turns green and with ease you simply make your way through traffic. Even better, you begin a conversation with someone and some magical power, or so it seems, places all the perfect words in your mouth to enable you to effortlessly connect with that person in a way that you know touches them in a deep and meaningful way. It's kinda like you are living the reality of that movie with Matt Damon, The Adjustment Bureau. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it.

Well, today was one of those days for me. It was a most amazing day in my life. Everything seemed to work out perfectly. I have been tapped in, tuned in and turned on all day long. Here is a tiny snippet from my day as an example, A brand new patient walks in my office and I greet him and ask him, "How are you?" His response was something along the lines of panicked and rushed. The next words I spoke came to me so effortlessly it was as if I was surprised by my response as the words fell out of my mouth.

I said, "Well, I am calm and poised and you have just entered my world so have a seat and feel the calm embrace you". I could feel myself do a double take on the inside like, What? what did you just say? We chatted briefly about being real, avoiding bull shit, having magical powers and dental insurance. He had his appointment, got scheduled for his next and was walking out the door. Before he crossed the threshold he spun around and looked around the waiting room and said in a puzzled tone, "I feel like I'm leaving something behind,..." I smiled and said, " You are. You don't have that panicked and rushed feeling anymore". He smiled a knowing smile, waved goodbye and said "Yup that's it" as he walked out the door.

I am loving my life. I am feeling absolutely amazing about my perfect place in the world. Everything is working out perfectly in big and small ways. I love it. I want to shout it from the mountains tops. Thank you to all you beautiful cooperative components. I am a blessed woman.

Tickle Fight Safe Words

When I was a little girl, I loved to play the tickle game with my daddy. He would tickle me as much and more than I wanted. You know how when you're being tickled and you're having so much fun, laughing and wrestling around and then you playfully start begging for them to stop, but it goes on for a little while longer. Then you can't breathe and it gets to be more serious. Well, we had rules for just such an occasion. I would breathlessly yell at him to stop it as I was laughing my little guts out. He would ask, "Stomp it?" and continue to tickle me and as I was gasping for air, I'd holler, "No! Daddy!!! STOP!!!".

The other rule was whenever I said, "above the line", he was supposed to only tickle me above my belly button, because I was SO terribly ticklish on my legs and feet that I couldn't handle it below the line. So, in theory he was supposed to tickle my ribs or neck. When I was laughing so hard that I couldn't breath, I would yell, "Above the line" and he would keep tickling me and jokingly ask, "Buff the Lion?". I LOVED it and it really pissed me off at the same time.

I still love tickle fights. Keri and I have tickle fights sometimes and she ALWAYS wins. She is a little longer limbed than me and this adds leverage to her advantage. The differences between tickling with Keri and my Dad are many, but the main things to me are that my Dad was way bigger than me, MUCH stronger and Keri is more respectful of my demands for air.

I do miss my Dad sometimes and I'm glad to have fun memories with him, but my tickle fights with him are a mixed bag of feelings. Tickle fights with Keri over the years taught me a great deal about respect. Garrison and I used to have tickle fights too and I admit that I tickled him longer that he wanted me to at times. It wasn't until I had tickle fights with Keri that I was able to establish a rule with Garrison during our tickle fights that actually worked.

We agreed that part of the fun was to yell, "Stop it!" as someone was tickling you, but when you REALLY wanted them to stop the ultimate STOP phrase was, "Respect my wishes". These words carried over into other areas of our lives and it's really amazing how these three little words ended up being so empowering, not only to Garrison, but to myself as well.

When phrased is such a way, how could you do anything but respect someone's wishes? This is not to be confused with the fact that I always did what Garrison wanted, because I certainly did not. However, it did frame our relationship with respect and I did always attempt to be respectful of his feelings. Respect is a very valuable quality to have in any relationship. I think it's overlooked sometimes in reference to children because we as adults think we know what is best for them, but what could be better for them than respecting their wishes whenever possible and being a living example of a quality we hope they carry forward into all of their relationships. Especially the relationship we're developing with them this very moment.

Chat with a Stranger

Well, well,... what do you know? It turns out there's some science behind my mode of operation. I was listening to a video about the multitude of benefits related to meditation on www.scientificamerican.com, when I discovered another video about how talking to strangers makes you happy.

A study was done in Chicago where some commuters on the subway were asked to engage in conversation with strangers, while others were asked to sit silently and keep to themselves. Once these commuters reached their destination they were asked to participate in a survey. The results surprise the participants and revealed that those who engaged in conversation had the most enjoyable experience and those that remained solitary had the least enjoyable experience. Interesting.

A separate group of people who did not participate in the experiment where asked to predict how they would feel in each situation and they surprisingly reported they thought the solitary experience would be better and the number one reason was they, wrongly suspected that strangers would not want to talk with them.

We are social creatures and studies have shown that we enjoy engaging in casual conversation with each other. I am not saying that all people feel this way all the time or that one way is better than the other. All I am saying is I find it interesting. I have done a multitude of similar studies throughout my life time and my findings have been similar. I have a most enjoyable experience when I engage with strangers. I'll admit not 100% of the time because I have encountered a stranger or two who seemed to perceive me talking to them as an intrusion, but I don't let that bother me. I like my friendly self and I enjoy connecting with people.

My feelings are simple and they make me happy. If we are going to be spending time together on an elevator, in a restaurant, in a waiting room, on a train, while you're providing a service to me or whatever the circumstance is, we might as well enjoy the NOW that we get to share together. So, why not be friends even if only for NOW.

Things Can Change

I can't make you love me - Bonnie Raitt. I can't make you love me if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something it won't. Here in the dark in these final hours. I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power, but you won't. 'Cuz I can't make you love me if you don't. I'll close my eyes, then I won't see the love you don't feel when you're holding me. Morning will come and I'll do what's right, but give me 'til then to give up this fight. And I will give up this fight. 'Cuz I can't make you love me if you don't.

When I hear this song I always take a moment to listen and remember how real these feelings were to me at one time in my life. I do love the piano and the deep emotion in her voice that is so real it's palpable. I was in a relationship in the past that made me feel so sad, empty and unloved that I wanted to die. You may be wondering why I take time to listen to a song that brings up such a dark place in my life. I guess I'd have to say remembering those days and that relationship makes today and what I have now feel so much sweeter. I much prefer the feelings of sweet love and gratitude I feel now in comparison to the dreadfully sad and lonely feelings of the past.

The past is the past and I can't change it. I've thought many times how I would love to change what I experienced back then, but I've come to terms with it. I have decided I wouldn't want to change it if I could because even though it was a horribly depressing time of my life and there were times I thought I might not survive it, when I look back I can remember bright shiny spots that helped me get through it. Besides, I wouldn't be the person I am today had I not gone through all of that stuff. It was pretty shitty stuff, but I am grateful.

What I have come to know is that I can't make anyone love me, but what I can do is love myself. I feel now that I do love myself. I can tell because I enjoy doing things for myself, such as meditation, soaking in an Epsom salt bath, coating myself in coconut oil everyday after my shower, working out and eating healthy. It seems too that all the wonderful people in my life choose to love me too. I am so grateful for the tremendous shift in my life. I give love and I receive love. It started with me and wanting a better life for myself.

The end of, I can't make you love me, when the piano has a lighter trickling off feels like it might have been a premonition from the past, a sign to me of the love that was to come. My hope in sharing this dark part of my life and the transformation that occurred is that someone in their own dark place may stumble across this blog and in reading this feels a flicker of hope that change is possible for them. We all have the power to make a change.