T minus 24 to blast off

I hardly know where to begin,... It would be impossible for me to accurately convey to you all the growth I've encountered in the last couple of months, if it even has only been a couple of months,... I am not sure where this growth started. I guess it has been an ongoing thing all my life, but the last several weeks, upon reflection, have been VERY powerful.

It has been challenging and I have definitely been on the edge. It has felt like standing on the very edge of a HUGE drop off and I have amazing support in my life. This support has said to me: you are safe, I understand it looks like you're standing on the edge of a cliff, but that is only your perception. Trust me, the ground to stand upon is out there. Breathe deep and take a step out there, one step at a time. Look at me. Do you trust me? Do you know that you are loved? Do you know that you will not be lead astray? You are brave. Take the next step.

I am so grateful for this unconditional love and support in my life. This is not just one person. This support comes from many people because I am mindful in my choices of who is allowed in my circle. If you are close to me it is on purpose.

When I face challenges in my life I know I can boldly take the next scary step because of the army I have backing me. Thank you. Each and every one of you.

Overcoming challenges creates fuel and I am a rocket. Count down to blast off!

There is NO question in my mind where I will land.

Yes, sigh, This too shall pass.

I read a post from one of my friends on Facebook last Thursday that was the perfect little string of words to very accurately describe exactly the way I was feeling. Let me share those words with you now.

Patience is giving a loving response to frustration.

I could not have read any more perfect words for myself on that day, because sometimes wonderful people drift into your life and it seems like there couldn't be a better person to fill that particular slot in your life. Then for some reason that seems like it can't make a bit of sense because they fit so perfectly, they announce their future departure. They have to go because they feel it is what is best for them.

It's can be so difficult to be supportive of someone doing what is best for them when it means they will be leaving an empty spot in my life. It doesn't feel like it's what's best for ME. How dare you live your life for your own happiness! What about me? What about making me happy? Oh yeah, that's my job. I am not living my life for them, right? and I certainly would not want to stay somewhere I didn't feel was best for me for the sake of someone else's sense of happiness.

I feel like throwing a fit though. I feel like laying on the floor kicking and crying, but that would not be very mature and it would not make matters better for me. It certainly would not help the person who is making a difficult choice. Therefore, I am opting to behave like an adult and be supportive. I am proud of people that make difficult decisions in their lives for the sake of their own well being. This is the type of person I want in my life and that is part of why it is so difficult to accept that they are leaving.

Writing this is part of the acceptance process. Breathing deep. I know that resisting immanent change will not benefit me in the least. This too shall pass.

Patience is giving a loving response to frustration. I support you doing what you feel is best for you.

Why cut yourself short?

Have you ever heard the story about the little girl who was watching her mother prepare a ham for Easter dinner? Well, whether you have or not, I'm about to share it and here it goes.

There was a large family gathering and little Suzi was in the kitchen watching her mother do some cooking. She watched as her mom cut off each end of the ham before placing it in the dish for baking in the oven. Suzi asked her mom, Why do you cut the ends off the ham before you place it in the baking dish? Her mother very nonchalantly said, Well, that's just the way my mom taught me. Why don't you go ask Grandma.

So, off she went. Grandma? Why do you cut the ends off the ham before you place it in the baking dish? Grandma said with a similar nonchalant response, Oh, I don't know dear, that's just the way my mom taught me. Why don't you go ask great grandma. Luckily, great grandma was still alive and able to make it to this Easter gathering. So, off Suzi went again.

Great Grandma why do you cut the ends off the ham before you place it in the baking dish. Great Grandma said Sweetie, I haven't done that since your grandma was a child. Why do you ask? Suzi explained that her mother was doing it because she learned it from Grandma and Grandma has always done it because she learned it from you when she was little, but you don't cut the ends off the ham any more? Oh my! The great Grandma said, I did that when your grandmother was a little girl because I only had one size of pan and I had to do it to make the ham fit. Your grandma must have seen me do that when she was little and never thought to ask why and just passed it down.

WOW!!!! I wonder how much ham this family wasted over the years because no one thought to question authority? Curiosity is a wonderful thing. Be brave enough to voice your curiosities and hold on to the childlike inquisitive nature. I am not one bit afraid of asking what something means or why something is done a certain way. Leaving curiosities lingering in your mind without voicing them could end up costing you in the long run. So, why cut yourself short?

WHAM!!!

OMG!!!! Careless Whisper???

I am sort of,...no! I mean, REALLY embarrassed to actually admit this, but, (deep breath),... Ok,... another deep breath,... I, Angel Zamudio, actually sang this song,..to a boy,...in high school. OMG!!!! Did I actually just admit that? OMG!!! I did!!!

It's ok! It's ok! Sigh!!! No! It's not OK! That is not cool!!! Not cool at all!

FUCK!!!!!!!

Wait! Wait one fuckin' minute! Don't you dare judge me! (Hey, psst! You! The reader, I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to my proverbial self, so don't get pissed off, ok?) Fuck you! I am doing the best that I can here. I'm 14 years old!!! Living in OKLAHOMA!!!! Not a gay person, OUT, for hundreds of miles. I wanted to feel!!! I wanted to feel love, so, yes, I sang Careless Whisper to some dude on the phone. Oops, did I forget that part earlier? Damn! It just keeps getting better,...doesn't it?

Geez!!! Big. Heavy. Sigh!!! Oh well,... You're right 14yo self, you were doing the best that you could with your level of awareness at the time. Good for you for putting yourself out there. That certainly was brave. Vulnerable and probably, just a smidge ear piercing. You know you can't sing. See how brave you were???