Simple Kind of Man

I was sitting in a little pub this last week doing a little bit of writing while I was waiting for Keri to get off work. I had my headphones on, as I always do when I am writing, to assist with keeping me focused. I tend to be more people oriented than task oriented. I have to wear my headphones to mask the sound of voices, so I can pretend I am in my own little world. Otherwise, I would never be able to keep myself from participating in conversations. I even wear them at home.

Anyway, that was a little bit of a bunny trail, because what I intended to write about is the fact that even with my headphones on I happen to notice a song playing in the pub. It was Lynyrd Skynyrd's Simple Kind of Man. I'm not really a Skynyrd fan and I couldn't even tell you off the top of my head another song by this group (Keri interjects, “Really, how about Free Bird”). So, why did I notice this song? Well, that's what I am just about to tell you.

Several years back there actually was a time when more phone calls went to cell phones than text messages. It's true!!! Remember???? and we wanted to know exactly who was calling, so we assigned certain songs to certain people, so when that song played through our phones we knew who was calling. Well, I discovered that the song my son, Garrison, assigned to me was Simple Kind of Man. I had not heard, rather did not remember ever hearing this song. It certainly was not familiar to me. I don't remember inquiring too much about the song at the time, the information just sort of got filed away in my mind, perhaps because I wasn't familiar,... I'm not really sure.

For some reason the other day when I heard it in that pub, it kinda stuck out and I jotted the title down in my notes. I asked Keri about the song later in the day and she gave me her perception of the song and it touched me deeper. I thought to myself how touching that my teenage son, at the time, would choose this song as his ring tone for me.

I came home and looked up the song on YouTube. I have listened to it about 5 or 12 times and it gives me cold chills every single time. I've listened to it on repeat as I write this blog. I love my son so much and it touches my heart deeply to know that he paid attention to the heartfelt talks we had in an attempt on my part to gently guide him into a happy self sufficient positively contributing member of society. It was my intention throughout his life to share with him in a myriad of ways this message, "I am your momma and you are my son. It's true that I'm older than you, but that doesn't mean I always know what is best for you. Before you are my son, you are your own person and this is your life. You have to live it your way. I won't always agree with your decisions, but that will never stop me from loving you".

A grateful person with epilepsy

It has been a little over a year now since I started trying to wean myself off my seizure medicines. I did all the tests my neurologist asked me to do and we considered all the facts: the last 10 years of being seizure free, the levels of my medications at the time and the likelihood that I might actually be able to be medicine free as well.

The possibility was very exciting to me. I had been taking about 1200mg of barbiturates a day for the last 22 years. I was so excited to try it out I wanted to start the minute my doctor told me that she thought it might work. Her approval came with many warnings that it might not work, that I may need to be on either a smaller dose or a newer medication. I accepted that fact and that I would not be able to drive and that I had to cut out all alcohol, even my beloved microbrews. I was ok with all of those rules. I was just so excited that it was even possible to attempt to see if I could be off medicine.

Keri, on the other hand, was not so excited and I don't blame her. She went to my appointments with me and asked all her own questions. She was very apprehensive about the whole process. She was going to be the one that had to, consciously, deal with the stress of experiencing my seizure. Which we have talked about at length and I understand, now, how hard it is for her to feel so helpless. I have never witnessed a seizure. I have only experienced them on an unconscious level, which by the way, is certainly no picnic either.

I really appreciate Keri for putting herself in a vulnerable position for me and the possibility of something better for me, even though it was risky. I appreciate all the things she did for me during that time and all the people that supported me through that process. The ones that volunteered to administer the emergency medication, if I had a seizure, the ones that gave me rides, the ones that picked me up at random bus stops in the pouring rain and the ones that offered support and words of encouragement on Facebook. I am very grateful for all the awesome love around me.

The weaning process took three long arduous months and I did wean completely off ALL my medications. I was totally med free for a whole month. Then one day, I woke up sitting in a chair, in the admissions department of the ER.

That was a very strange experience.
Keri was there with me, of course, and I was trying,... to,... figure,... out,... where we were,... and,...what,... we were doing,...And then I began to cry,...

All that excitement, all that effort and all that hope right out the window. It still saddens me to reflect on that moment of defeat. BUT, and that is a huge but, I am still alive. My seizures are controlled by medication AND I was 100% successful in reducing the amount of medication I take. I only take 500mg now and I can drive.

I, often, think about that part of my life and just take a deep breath. I am very grateful for what I have, plus I earned the privilege of being a permanent honored citizen.

Thank you Tri-met! I am grateful for your buses and I am grateful I don't HAVE to ride them every day.