What was my point???

All that we let in, by the Indigo Girls is a very soothing song to me. I don't always get all the political references, because I don't follow politics per se. It is a little bit scary for me to admit that because it seems that most people feel we should be paying close attention to what is going on in the world. I am more concerned with what is going on in me. I can only change the world one person at a time and that one person is me.

I just went to CCN.com to reference some political stuff that I don't really know about to prove a point about the news and politics and how it makes me feel and true to form, the point of this blog has totally changed as I was writing.

I will, hopefully, get back to the original point, but I think it's important to follow the flow of energy. I was going to write about how the only control I have is of myself, but that is not even the very original thought when I led in with the Indigo Girls song, but like I said before, hopefully I will get back to that original thought.

My daily goal is to feel good, to be happy and to feel love. In the past, I have found that listening to or reading the news hasn't really served my daily goal. So, I went to the damn CNN to gather supporting information and much to my surprise found a story about a Boy Scout leader in Utah. This man took his son, a Boy Scout, down to bear witness of marriage and arrived to find hundreds of people, gay people, waiting in long lines to get married because of the awesome action that the Judge Robert J. Shelby took to strike down the law that denies same sex couples the right to be married. What an amazing thing to be surprised by. The courthouse clerks worked through their lunches to get as many couples married as they could and the Boy Scout leader went down to the closest pizza place and brought back 10 pizzas to feed the employees and the gay couples that had been waiting for so long to get married.

And I'll be damned if it don't admit, reading that particular news story did make me feel good. I got cold chills running up and down my arms and legs. So, it seems rather than proving my point that reading the news doesn't serve my daily goal to feel good, instead I was able to prove my original point, that we ARE better off for all that we let in. Wow! I am all over the place.

Inspiration is everywhere.

To judge or share, which is it?

What's the difference between passing judgement and sharing my opinion? Excellent question my friend! I don't really know the answer to that question, that is why I am asking. Let's look into it a little bit.

I just googled "pass judgement" and the free dictionary online defined it as forming a critical opinion. Personally, the word critical has a negative connotation. So, I guess if you are sharing an opinion that is critical of another then it crosses the line of being judgmental. Just for shits and giggles I requested a definition for critical, because I was wondering if it could be a positive thing. When I looked a little further into the definition I found it also means having decisive or crucial importance in the success or failure of something. That sounds like a positive thing, because I choose to focus on the positive and I hear success. This triggers a memory for me about working in a dental lab. I'll write more on that later, because I really want to continue investigating the difference between passing judgment and sharing my opinion.

After reading several articles and quotes on sharing my opinion it seems far less important to differentiate between sharing an opinion and being judgmental. It seems to be of a much greater importance to focus on allowing others to be. It must be true because I keep finding myself standing right I front of the same realization time after time.

Passing judgment on others does not make me feel better and sharing my opinion,...well, what the hell difference does it make? I have my opinion and you have yours. Does sharing my opinion with you change your opinion? Maybe,...sometimes, but really only if you are open to it. There really is no sense in arguing, unless one of us is open to and willing to change. I am open to having a conversation, but I don't want to argue. For the sake of this blog and my original question, I believe I have come to the conclusion that sharing an opinion can be beneficial as long as both parties are open to a conversation and passing judgment depends on the intention of the person passing the judgment. Is it well intended? Is it of crucial importance in aiding to the success of an endeavor of another? Is the other person open to hearing? Are you willing to share in an effort to help someone out? Are you open to them not giving a shit about your opinion? Are you open to the idea that they might love your idea, but aren't willing to do anything to improve their behavior?

If you find your self feeling negative feelings while observing something that you are not willing to work out and want to LET GO of the negative feelings, simply start now.

Let it go and start now.

Grappling? Let it go.

Have you ever been holding on to an idea or a possibility in your mind that just kept replaying over and over that didn't really make you feel very good? A "what if" situation,... I don't like to "what if" negative situations. It feels much better to me to think about "what if" situations that make me feel good. What if Apozitude gets selected to become a published book, what if my Apozitude book goes to the New York best sellers list, what if the interest in Apozitude generates an interest in the children's story that I wrote, there are so many fun things to what if.

To be real honest with you though, I don't just "what if" these things, I actually walk through scenarios in my mind. I get a letter in the mail inviting me to start the process of turning this blog into a book, I sit in a publishers office and discuss the details, I mention my children's story and the potential for a series, I go to book signings. In my mind it is already happening!!!! It is very exciting!

However, if you aren't in the habit of placing yourself in positive "what if" situations, it can seem a little simple minded and silly, but I don't really care how it seems, ya know? It makes me feel good and that is important to me. So, I do it.

I'm not saying that I don't struggle with worry or fear and that my life is always happy sunshine and rainbows. No, I'm not. I grapple with my own set of hang ups, but I don't let it ruin my whole day. I may have to ponder it for a bit, let it go and get happy and then pick it up again and ponder it some more, but I do always end on happy.

So, I have my tricks and my tools at the ready for quick access. One of these tricks about letting go of something that keeps coming up and keeps you tethered to a negative feeling is to actually write it down on piece of paper. Put all of the energy that you have in your body and in your mind about that negative feeling or situation into the writing or just mentally onto that piece of paper, which ever feels more powerful. It can get ugly sometimes, but just mentally vomit it all up and put it on the paper. It's ok to get emotional, it can be part of the process. Then once you have it all on the piece of paper, pick it up and wad it into a ball and hold it in the palm of your hand. Take a deep breath and look at that wad of paper in your open hand and know that there is no wrong way to to this. You can do it as many times as you need to, but look at that piece of paper with all that negative energy balled up into a piece of trash sitting there in the palm of your hand, then turn your hand over and let it go. It feels so good to let all of that energy go, you might be tempted to pick it up and do it again.

Like I said before there is no wrong way to do this, so if you want to pick up all that negativity again just to feel the joy of letting it go, go for it! Nobody is watching and this is your process. There is no judgement here. Please remember though, you could enjoy the moment of peace you just created for yourself. Something else will come along that will provide another opportunity to practice this exercise and you just got happy, so let's end on happy. Whadaya' say?

She doesn't want sushi

Relationships can be challenging. Why is it so challenging sometimes? Well because no matter how much you love someone, you don't share the same ideas and concepts about every single thing. Therefore, when one of you truly values something and it doesn't really matter to the other person, conflict develops. I really love Japanese food and Keri, not so much. This is a pretty simple example, but you can see how a conflict might arise if every time we set out to go eat somewhere and Keri said where do you want to eat and I always said sushi. She would get frustrated because she doesn't want to eat sushi.

So, we compromise, but there are way more challenging subjects, such as how we relate to others outside of our relationship. Keri might view something one way and I have a totally different view. So, dealing with that subject creates a conflict and it may not really matter to Keri, but it does matter to me and Keri saying, it doesn't really matter, feels like she doesn't care about what is important to me. But I know that is not the case, what really is going on is she simply chose a way of wording something that wasn't really what she intended, but I wanted to clarify what she really intended because it matters to me how she relates to the other relationship because it ultimately could affect our relationship. It was way more simple than that for her, but that is part of being in a relationship, navigating social situations, working out differences, coming to agreeable terms of operation, how we share the responsibilities of the household, working together to get through this crazy thing we call life and with a smile on each of our faces. It is important to be able to discuss things, even uncomfortable things, otherwise how can we work together towards a shared loving happiness?

Happy holidays!!!

Happy holidays to everyone celebrating and observing these events in the month of December: Hanukkah, Winter Solstice, Christmas, Boxing Day and Kwanzaa

Of mice and...

In Seattle, walking from the Elysian brewery on our way to a bookstore, I stepped out into the street and I looked down for sure footing and that is when I saw a dead mouse. Mice are so cute,...when they're alive. Cute little bundle of fur with their pink noses and oil spots for eyes. My heart sank as I said aloud to Keri, Oh is that a dead mouse? I could see his tail. I leaned in for a closer look.

Why? Why did I lean in for a closer look? I don't know! I just did. As my eyes refocused from the lean in, I realized I was not grieving for a cute little mouse.

OH MY GOD!!!! Is that a USED tampon?

WHY? Why is there a used tampon in the middle of the street? How did that get there? What the hell is going on? That was not a mouse's tail!!!

Emerald city my ass!!!!

7 second delay

Have you ever known someone with a condition called "no 7 second delay"? If you are not familiar with this condition, let me share a little story with you. I'd like to raise awareness on this, not so rare, but not well known, condition.

Keri and I went with a friend to the apple store over the weekend and we were talking about laptops, iPads, and Apple TV. Our friend was explaining how easy it was to get the Apple TV up and running. He explained the only challenge might be knowing what HDMI port to use on the back of our TV and Keri responds, "Angel is pretty good with that kind of thing, believe it or not". Our friend and I looked at her in a little bit of shock. I believe my reactions were warranted. I responded with a finger gesture accompanied with the actual words, "Well, fuck you" and a big'ol jokey smile.

We all had a pretty good laugh about it and we were teasing Keri quite a bit. We were saying things like, she ain't good for much, but she's pretty good at wiring, she's so dumb, she can't even get out of her own way. It got pretty deep and convoluted. We quickly fabricated a hillbilly couple named, Hank and Tricia (short for Patricia Sue). Tricia don't even have the sense in come in out of a hail storm, but she is a wiz with them fancy Christmas lights. It was hilarious.

See, if Keri were equipped with a 7 second delay, she might have thought twice about the way she was trying to say, Angel is so artsy and creative, it is surprising that she is technically inclined. Which is what my sweet loving wife was intending to say, but without the benefit of the 7 second delay she just popped out a kinda rude sounding put down.

Luckily, I know her well and I am used to her missing the 7 second delay, but one could see how it could be harmful to a relationship and that is why I am writing this blog, to raise awareness. Even 7 second delay deprived people need love and understanding. They can't help it that they were born with out this crucial coping skill. Spread the word and the love.

Happiness is worth the risk

A relationship is the state of being connected to another. I have found that the concept of a relationship is starkly different for some than it is for me. I actually know people that are in relationships with people that they claim to loathe. I just can not imagine living my life with someone that I didn't love and in fact, kinda hated. It is so sad. I have been in a relationship or two that really really sucked. It was not fun at all!!!! Life is too short to live "comfortably miserable". I want to be happy. I want to have fun. I want to enjoy my life. I only have one. This is it!!!! I feel like I am getting to a place in my life where I don't want to do anything that I don't want to do.

I think it has something to do with the concept of living aware. I am not sure how I came by this concept, it seems I have always been driven to make improvements in my personal life and in my self. I remember someone once commented to me in my early twenties how surprised they were at my willingness to turn over every rock in an effort to find something better for myself. I am in no way shape or form making a statement of superiority, at least it doesn't feel that way to me, although I can understand how it could be perceived as such. I just want to be happy and I have committed to myself to continue on this journey of being true to me and my ever changing ways.

I love growing and feeling ALIVE!!!!!

It has definitely been a work in progress. I am constantly reading self help books and books about communication and understanding other people in their motives. I have a great deal of growth ahead of me, but I do feel like I am growing. It seems like I am always saying I am truer to myself now than I used to be, but it is always true. I wonder if there is ever a point when one is truly self actualized? Maybe in the spiritual realm,....

Anyway, regarding relationships, even with yourself, be honest about what you want and DO NOT SETTLE! Life is for living, loving and laughing. It is all there for you to have. All you have to do is reach for something that feels better, hold on to that feeling of better and attract more of the better feeling things and grow, grow, grow, and just keep on growing!!! It feels amazing to live, love and laugh!

Happiness is worth the risk!

Two tarts

Keri and I went to Two Tarts bakery a couple weekends ago and I started to write about something funny that happened and it turned into something else, but I didn't want to miss out on sharing the original story, so here it is.

So, as I mentioned before they give you 13 cookies when you order a dozen (I think that is awesome) and we had picked out the ones we wanted and it was time for them to ask if we wanted a ribbon tied around the box. Before the cookie clerk could even utter the words, I asked what other colors of ribbon were available. They precut a bunch off one spool and have it handy, right by the cookie case. Not to say that the ribbon that was available was ugly, in fact I really liked it, I just wanted to know what the options were.

The cookie clerk was over by the ribbon holding out some options and I concluded that the pretty pink one that was precut was perfect. I said thank you, but this one here is just fine, in fact, pink is my favorite color.

The clerk gave me a quick once over and said, I wouldn't have guessed that, because you're not wearing ANY pink. I reached in my pocket and showed her my pink phone case, See? She replied, yes, I guess if you're willing to commit to a pink phone case, you must like pink. I said, Yeah, I'm going through a transition.

She paused awkwardly and said, Oh,...I see.

Keri quickly chimed in, Yeah, she used to be a dude!

We just busted out laughing!!! The cookie clerk said, Well I have known quite a few people in transition that are way prettier than me. I quickly corrected Keri with a smile and said, No, I'm just transitioning into being more girlie. Cookie clerk laughed along with us. It was funny.

Bueller's Pink Breakfast Candles

A funny thing I am learning as I get older is that I have always been sitting at the table with the cool kids, which is pretty damn cool for a big'ol dork like me. Another funny thing that I am realizing is that the kids at that other table that always seemed to be the cool kids, they are dorks too.

I used to always tell my son as he was going through school, Don't worry son, everybody is weird to somebody. Which is true and how could it ever be any different, because we are all raised by different people with different ideas, so anything other than what you were raised with is going to seem weird. Therefore, everybody is weird to somebody.

I used to say, I embrace my inner dork, but for a long time now I've been touting the concept of letting your freak flag fly. I love my dorky self and I feel like being my true dorky self makes me pretty damn cool. I love all my dorky friends.

This feels very John Hughes, doesn't it?

Truth will set you free

Ya know that saying, the truth hurts sometimes,... Well, there's a reason that saying exists and the reason, ironically, is because it's the truth. Not only can a truthful statement be painful to the person hearing the truth, but it can be painful to the person delivering that truthful statement. The last thing I ever want to do is to hurt someone's feelings and I guess since I'm writing about honesty, the truth is, hurting someone else's feelings is the second to the last thing I ever want to do. The very last thing I want to do is hurt myself. I feel that holding on to a reality that is based on something false is torturous. It feels restrictive and binding.

I struggle with the method of delivery when approaching the subject of being honest, because I want to be honest, but I don't want to hurt someone's feelings, so that creates an inner conflict. My guess is that everyone struggles with this situation. I think I'm getting better, but I have been told, on occasion, that I can brutally honest and I am not crazy about the brutal portion of that description, but I get it. See the truth hurts,...

I am working on being honest with myself and being my authentic self. I am also learning to be honest with others and develop a bit more finesse. I'll be honest with you and admit I still need some more practice.

Another saying about honesty is that it's the best policy and I tend to lean towards this policy. It seems to me that when I've shared my honest feelings, though it is challenging, it feels so much better when the sharing is done. I feel it sets me free. Who doesn't want more freedom? Be honest,...

This is the end,...

This is officially the last blog that I will type on my phone. I am so excited to be getting a new laptop. The one we have now is slower than dial up and it just sits on the table looking at us with it's tongue sticking out as if to say, sure, go ahead just try to look something up. I dare you!

Well guess what, Lenovo, circa 2006 we are freeing up you future to taunt someone else, because we are tired of you not performing to our expectations.

So, yes, this is the end. The end of messing around with a computer that doesn't work. This is the end of typing a blog on my phone. The end of not being able to link stuff to my blog. Yippee!!!!

This is your life,...in a power ballad

Really?!? Now, I've been waiting for a girl like you, by Foreigner? What is this anyway? ANGEL ZAMUDIO!!! THIS. Is YOUR, tortured teenage gay, LIFE!!!

I've been waiting for a girl like you in 1981, was the theme song for my poor pathetic gay self. It was awful! It really was. I may have been a slight bit delusional. I had this idea when I was in the fifth grade, so, what, about 10? I guess. The idea was that I would disguise myself as Billy. Isn't that what we decided to call him? From my previous post, What harm could love do? Billy and Cindy? Yes! That's right! Ok, so I disguised myself as Billy. AND!!! I also made a robot of myself! See? Smart!!!

This way Cindy would think she was crushing on Billy, but it was actually me AND there was a robot of me, so all basis were covered. How fucked up is that? What happened to the real Billy in that scenario? I don't know!!! I didn't actually do it! That was just the 10 year old Angel's way of working out the kinks.

Anyway, I did finally get the girl I've been waiting for and it beats the hell out of pretending to be some jack ass named Billy, or whatever the hell his name was.

I get a little emotional sometimes

Yes, it's true, I tend to cry when I am feeling confused, happy, sad, mad, proud and probably a bunch of other things too. If you doubt it, just ask my very patient empathetic wife.

Since I've been on this "girl journey" it seems to have intensified. I'm not sure if it's because I'm opening myself up to things that I've kept shut down for so many years or if I am going through some pre menopause symptoms. Shit!!!! I may be going through menopause!! Oh damn!!! I haven't given a great deal of thought to that portion of the girl journey. Who the hell knows?

What I do know is that Keri has been very supportive and has stood by my side through this whole emotional roller coaster that I have been on and subsequently have dragged her along with me. She met the height requirement and she was standing right there with me. Poor Keri, she just didn't know what kind of roller coaster she was about to board, but she jumped on and she jumped on with me. I love her for that!!! Yes, I'm crying.

The truth of the matter is the last year and a half or so, has been full of life changing events. Some have been, blow my mind, amazing and some are still in transition, on their way to being alright or even amazing.

One of the these life changing events was in August 2012, when Keri's mother passed away and to be completely honest with you, it really crushed me. For so many years I yearned for a relationship with her and for reasons that I do not completely understand, it just wasn't in the cards.

But there was a moment in the hospital when Keri and her sister were called out into the hall to speak with the doctor and I was left alone with their mom. It felt so strange and surreal to be standing there, sharing space with this woman that I wanted a relationship with so badly and was never given the chance. I took a moment and spoke to her with my open heart. I told her that I loved her daughter very much and I wished that she and I could have had a chance to share the experience of loving Keri together. I told her that I wanted her to feel peace and that if she was suffering that it was ok to let go. What I really wanted was for her to open her eyes and wrap her arms around me in a loving embrace, but more than that I wanted her to feel peace. It still makes me cry, but I am very grateful to have shared that moment with her.

It's very difficult to write about, so I believe I will leave it at this, feelings of love, for me, go beyond understanding why someone makes the choices they make. Choices are very personal and we can never really understand why someone else does what they do, but that doesn't mean feelings of love have to cease to exist. If understanding each other were required to feel love, would any of us love any other one of us? I don't understand most of the things people choose, but it doesn't stop my love.

You don't have to get me or understand where I'm coming from because this perspective is mine and mine alone, but I love Keri's mom. I wasn't crazy about some of her choices, but I'm sure she wasn't crazy about some of mine either. However, my wife would not be the wonderful beautifully sarcastic love of my life, if her childhood were not shaped the way it was by the loving hands of her mother.

What else could these lyrics mean?

Disco lady by Johnnie Taylor, 1976
I Feel love by Donna Summer, 1977

With songs like these filling my ears as a child it is my humble opinion that it would be virtually impossible to grow up and NOT have a dirty mind. These are only two examples! There are hundreds of songs that poured all kinds of sexual images into my sponge of a young mind.

Keep in mind I was born in 1969, so in 76 and 77 I was pretty little and somehow I was keen on the lyrics of Johnnie Taylor's above mentioned song. Disco lady. Shake it up, shake it down, move it in, move it around,...who doesn't know he singing about fuckin'? Right?

I'm just sayin' this exposure to R&B music of the mid 70's may be the root and I don't, for the record, think that having a dirty mind is a bad thing. I think it's for the sake of fun and isn't that what life is all about anyway?

Wait a minute,...

There are so many things you can say that sound like you are saying the exact same thing, yet they are completely different. For example, let's say you have dental insurance and they tell you your policy covers cleanings every 6 months. You get off the phone thinking, Ok, perfect I get 2 cleanings per year. You schedule your appointment, get your teeth cleaned and walk out feeling all Jim dandy because your insurance is going to "cover it". AND THEN you get a bill because your insurance DIDN'T cover it!!! You're thinking what the hell, I called and checked on this.

However, a cleaning every 6months is very different than 2 cleanings in a year. You see? It sounds the same, but it is not.

The same goes when you are having a conversation with someone that is experiencing a challenging situation in their life. You are listening, listening, listening and listening some more. You can tell they are all into this challenge because they are not able to emotionally detach. You try to interject some tips on letting go of what is creating the challenge in their life and they respond with, "I know", repeatedly. When really a more appropriate answer would be, "I hear what you're saying", because if they actually did "know" about letting go, they wouldn't be challenged by the situation in which they are so emphatically speaking.

This may seem like a harsh judgement on my part, but really what it is, is raised awareness. It is an attempt on my part to practice letting go. It definitely is a process and it always will be. As long as we are humans, we will have challenges and opportunities to practice letting go. Our human selves have this mind function called ego that is about controlling, getting approval and judgement.

Once we let go of trying to control and just allow people and situations to simply be, our stress level drops dramatically.

Once we let go of trying to get approval and just allow ourselves to be our authentic selves, our stress level drops dramatically.

Once we let go of judging others and allow them to be their authentic selves we can provide ourselves with on opportunity to be our authentic selves without fear of judgement.

Whew! I feel better already! That sounds like such a sense of relief. I vow to myself to live at a raised sense of awareness and because of that I allow you to be your authentic self, whatever that means to you is none of my business.

Knowing something and living something are very different things.

Warning! Don't ruffle my feathers!!

A few weeks ago we had a little fun adventure trekking up to Seattle to get married. It was easily one of the best weekends of my life. We spent a few days up there and the day after our wedding we were checking out some shops and walking around. We had Waffles, our golden retriever, with us. Yes, he went too. He really wanted to go.

After we ate lunch, we decided to go over to Volunteer park and walk around a bit. We discovered a pretty cool cemetery right next to the park, so we walked around to the entrance. Lake view cemetery, hmmm. Let's check it out.

I'm not sure why we end up in cemeteries so often, I guess because it is kinda cool to read the tombstones and think about the lives of people from hundreds of years ago. We always walk around in a very respectful manner and Waffles, if you don't know him, is the best behaved dog ever!!! I may be a little biased. Maybe,...a little bit,...not really. He really is the best!

Don't get me started on how awesome my dog is,....but you could check out his Facebook page if you are doubting his awesomeness. (Waffles Bear) Really!! I'm not kidding,..

Anyway,... I digress, we were just walking along, the three of us, minding our own business, and I mean literally, Waffles was taking care of business and Keri was tending to his business, when this vagrant looking woman starts yelling and pointing at us.

She yells, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR DAMN DOG OUT OF HERE AND QUIT LETTING HIM SHIT ON PEOPLE'S GRAVES? THERE'S A SIGN POSTED, NO DOGS ALLOWED!!!

#1 He wasn't doing that, (well he was pooping, but not on someone's grave, we have more respect than that)

#2 Keri acknowledged her and quite calmly I might add. Keri said and I quote, Your opinion has be heard, thank you

#3 we, actually, did NOT see the sign

Then the butt-in-ski woman yells back at Keri, YEAH RIGHT!!! WHY DON'T YOU AND YOUR DAMN DOG LEAVE AND TAKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND WITH YOU!!!

Honestly, I am usually looking away and trying to be as small as possible when words start flying around, but this time, it was like a switch went off in me and I started walking towards her at a quick pace with my index finger waving in the air, Excuse me!!! Excuse me!!! I'll have you know that SHE is my WIFE!!! And I don't appreciate your,...rude,... comments!!!

It was way more bad ass in my mind,...

As I was approaching her, she was walking away and yelling back at me that she was going to call the cops. Keri got my attention, Angel! Angel! Let it go!

Whew!!! That pissed me off! She could have approached us in a reasonable manner and said politely, excuse me, maybe you didn't see it, but there is a sign posted at the entrance indicating there are no dogs allowed.

We are reasonable people we would have thanked her and made our way to the exit!! But I don't really think her intention was to create a solution or come to a resolution. Clearly, someone pissed in her Post Toasties and she was set on paying it forward!!!

It was a feather ruffling experience for sure and Keri and I were talking it out and attempting to calm each other down. We decided we weren't going to let some random aggressive stranger ruin our wedding weekend and we agreed we would let it go. Although, it did feel pretty amazing to me, to step up and defend my wife. I keep wondering if it was some kind of spousal instinct that kicked in after the I do's.

A little while later and after a bit of reflection Keri says, I just thought of the perfect response. I could have said, isn't it almost 4o'clock, you'd better hurry up, I hear the shelters fill up quick! She claimed she was going to put that in her arsenal for future use. Curious about this arsenal of hers, I asked, What else you got in that arsenal of yours?
She turned and looked at me with the cutest little dead pan look ever and said, That's it so far.

We had a pretty good laugh. That's right!!! We are pretty tough! So just watch it!!! Don't mess with us because we will lash back with our 1 weapon arsenal and tell you how much we don't appreciate your disrespect!!!!

So look out!!!!

It will be fun Damn it!!!

Is this a generalization or do all girls enjoy "Girls night out"? It seems kinda silly now that I actually said it out loud. Of course not all girls enjoy, "Girls night out"!!!

I'm a girl and Keri is a girl. So, according to Keri, every time we go out, we are "technically" having a "girls night out". Therefore, Keri being, not quite as social as I am, would be satisfied with our current technical definition of girls night out. However, my idea of girls night out, involves at least one of the following: dancing, singing, adult beverages, a group of girls.

So, I find myself at a cross roads,... continue with the girls night out that Keri has been planning, which I do always enjoy, don't get me wrong, or step outside of my comfort zone and organize my own version of girls night out.

I can see a little cloud of confusion hanging out over your heads right about now. Why would I be uncomfortable planning a girls night out if that is what I want? Well, because "planning" girls night out is not what I want to do, ya see? What I want is to go out for girls night out, not plan girls night out. See the difference???

This is part of what makes my relationship with Keri so magical, she likes to plan and I like to attend. Only problem is Keri is not going to plan the kind of girls night out that I'm talking about, remember?

So, I will have to plan
it myself. I don't know why planning gives me such anxiety? That's not true, I do know. Ok, here it goes,...I get anxious because I'm afraid I'll piss someone off, some how. I know it's an irrational fear, actually, I am just saying that, I don't REALLY know that!!! The fear seems pretty real to me. It does sound good to call it irrational though, doesn't it?

Planning involves energy, research, pitching a stream of ideas, that people could reject, hoping that everything will work out for a fun time to be had by all and the more people you include the higher the chance that one of those people won't be satisfied. Big heavy sigh!!!!

I just need to do it and get over the fear. I wanna go dancing. I wanna go singing. I wanna go have drinks!!! I wanna have fun, laugh and play. Who wants to plan it for me? Haha!!! Just kidding, I am not a planner, I am an attendee. I can be a damn good co-host though,... Wink wink

Fuck it! I AM A PARTY PLANNER!!!! I am planning it and it will be fun!

You will have fun damn it!!!

Acceptance sets you free

I choose to allow you to be whatever you need to be in this moment, because when I resist what you are choosing to be, it disconnects my compressor and drains energy from me to fuel the happiness in myself. So, you just go right ahead and do what you feel is best for you and I will do the same.

Love light and happiness

WHAM!!!

OMG!!!! Careless Whisper???

I am sort of,...no! I mean, REALLY embarrassed to actually admit this, but, (deep breath),... Ok,... another deep breath,... I, Angel Zamudio, actually sang this song,..to a boy,...in high school. OMG!!!! Did I actually just admit that? OMG!!! I did!!!

It's ok! It's ok! Sigh!!! No! It's not OK! That is not cool!!! Not cool at all!

FUCK!!!!!!!

Wait! Wait one fuckin' minute! Don't you dare judge me! (Hey, psst! You! The reader, I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to my proverbial self, so don't get pissed off, ok?) Fuck you! I am doing the best that I can here. I'm 14 years old!!! Living in OKLAHOMA!!!! Not a gay person, OUT, for hundreds of miles. I wanted to feel!!! I wanted to feel love, so, yes, I sang Careless Whisper to some dude on the phone. Oops, did I forget that part earlier? Damn! It just keeps getting better,...doesn't it?

Geez!!! Big. Heavy. Sigh!!! Oh well,... You're right 14yo self, you were doing the best that you could with your level of awareness at the time. Good for you for putting yourself out there. That certainly was brave. Vulnerable and probably, just a smidge ear piercing. You know you can't sing. See how brave you were???

Change your mind

I read one of those little meme things on Facebook recently that read, It's hard to stay positive when it seems like everything is going wrong, and my response to that was, If it seems that everything is going wrong, it may be time to change your mind.

What I mean by that is, perhaps, if your mind were focused on something that brings you joy, then maybe you could begin to feel a bit of relief. I know it is hard to do sometimes, but it is possible to change your focus. It is possible to retrain your brain. I know it's possible because I do it.

Imagine for just a moment that you're sitting in a cold drafty room with a leaky roof and there is slow constant drip right on top of your head. This water is dripping, dripping, dripping right on your head, constantly nagging you. Every single time it drips on you, your body has a slight flinch and over time this flinch causes you to tire and feel exhausted. Your muscles tighten and you can't seem to relax.

Then all of a sudden you realize you can get up from the chair and walk away from the drip that has been driving you crazy! You can seek out a more desirable place to be.

Imagine what a relief you would feel to be away from that nagging drip. It can be as easy or as difficult as you choose and yes, you can choose.

You have the power to make changes in your life. All it takes is for YOU to make up your mind that you want better and then reach out and grab it! Reach for happy feeling thoughts. Reach for a sense of relief. Begin by taking the needle off the record of all the thoughts that drive you crazy. Bring peace into your current moment. Rest your brain and allow peace to drift in and imagine your body relaxing as you let go.

Just let go. Release your grip on that negative source of frustration. Release your grip on that confusion and open your mind to certainty. Start with what you know. I know I am sitting here right now, I know I am breathing right now. I know I want change in my life. I know that breath is the source of life. If I am not breathing I am not living and I can feel my breath. I know I can sit here for just a minute and focus my thoughts on my breathing, so I can experience a moment of relief. There is no right or wrong way to do this. The point is to feel relief.

As you do this and begin to experience a bit of relief, you may find that sense of relief very desirable. You may want to practice getting a moment of relief more and more and you find that you rather enjoy it. One moment of relief turns into two, and then 5 and so on. You may find that feeling a sense of relief is much easier than you thought and that is how you change your mind.

Change your mind, change your life.

On my way here

I feel so empowered and confident when I am belting out the words of the song, On My Way Here, by Clay Aiken. It is such a powerful song for me. I literally listen to it every single day. In fact, I am listening to it on repeat right now as I am writing this blog post.

I feel like I can do anything when I am listening to the words, on my way here, where I am now, I've learned to fly, I have to want to leave the ground, I've fallen hard, but I've been loved, and in the end it all works out, my faith has conquered fear, on my way here.

It feels so amazing to feel the power of pure confidence and this song gives me that feeling. When I hear this song, I always imagine myself walking out on to a stage and I begin to give an inspirational talk with the words, I've seen the best and I've seen the worst, and I wouldn't change what I've been through. I've touched the sky, I've hit the wall, but I did what I had to, on my way here.

As I look out over a crowd of people I see that they are excited to be here, in my audience. Some have traveled a bit to be here and some are lucky enough to live in the city in which I am speaking. In either case, they all have their notebooks out, eager to write down whatever it is that strikes them as a little nugget of wisdom that has totally shifted their paradigm. It's that one thing that I am able to say in just the right way that sinks in this time. It seems very familiar, because they have heard something like it before, but just the right Apozitude version of it really makes sense and changes their perspective on life. Sometimes it's a small little shift that people will feel and other times it changes someone's life forever, in a way they never even knew was possible.

I have been to conferences that changed my perspective and then ultimately changed my life. I love the feeling of being alive and living in the moment. That is what Apozitude is about for me. Being right here, right now, and feeling the power of total awareness. I am aware that I can make a difference in my life by focusing on the positive. I am aware that awakening other people to this concept is my passion and that is the reason I. Am. Here!!! You are reading this blog post right now, so welcome to the launching pad of a little rocket called Apozitude. We are ready for take off.

I truly believe that in the end it all works out. I believe this dream of mine is becoming my reality and it just may start with you. If you know someone that would like to have an inspiration speaker for an upcoming event, let me know. I'd love the opportunity to speak publicly.

Attitude of gratitude

I have been sitting here trying to write about being Thankful in honor of Thanksgiving day and I have started many times and rewrote and rewrote, because it just didn't seem quite right. I wanted to write something that would reflect the things that have happened in my life over the last year or more, but I couldn't decide what should be mentioned first. I didn't want for one of the things I was thankful for to seem more appreciated by being mentioned first, but how could I list all the things I was grateful for, all at one time, so that one would not seem more important than the next.

Wait a minute,...

I just heard a little voice say, the things you appreciate don't care how you list them, they are not attached to your perception of them. Acceptance does not care if you list it after progress and love does not care if you list it after growth.

That being said, I just want to express my gratitude for all of my family and friends. I am a people person.

Happy Thanksgiving and love to all my peeps!!!

Pain to who?

Keri has been making some really amazing dinners lately. She made a delicious Griddled polenta with caramelized onions, goat cheese and honey. I had to eat that one very very slowly with my eyes closed, because it was just that yummy. Then she made a pasta dish that had an olive oil and garlic base with breadcrumbs and kale. Damn woman! You make yummy food. It feels like I'm at a fancy restaurant right at our very own dinner table. It's such a wonderful treat to come home to the love of my live making yummy food and to top it all off she has a record playing on the record player. Sa-weet!!!!

Someone told her about this website called food52. I am very grateful that she takes the time to find new recipes and yummy healthy things for us to eat. So, I try to be as helpful as possible when we go to the grocery store in search of items for the new recipes. It's kind of exciting, because I know it's going to be delicious.

One thing Keri is planning to make this next week is Sautéed Kale, Roasted Sweet Potato and Poached Egg Holiday Toast. So, we're going down the list checking things off and she says, Now I need to find this pain de mie. Neither of us knew what it was or how to pronounce it, so we were saying it, pain to me, basically. I asked Keri what it was and she said it was some kind of bread. So, we headed off in different directions. She was off to finish the list and I went to the bakery to ask if they had any this pain de mie.

The gal behind the counter, slicing up a big pan of what looked like some yummy sweet rolls, began asking me about it. Is is a holiday bread? I don't know, it's spelled p-a-i-n, d-e, m-i-e. Then she asked, is it a sweet bread? I don't know. Is it a gluten-free bread? I'm thinking, listen lady I don't know what the fuck it is. You're the baker! I am asking you!! However, as calmly as I can, I say, the only thing I know is, that it is a bread and how to spell it. She clearly had no clue and there were about 4-5 other people in the area where she was working. I kinda thought she might ask one of her co-workers, but instead she directed me to the packaged bread area, told me where the bread was in the frozen food area and where I could find the pastry department.

As I was walking away, I slipped my hands in my jacket pockets and looked briefly at the packed bread. With my hands in pockets it occurred to me that I had my phone with me. Shit! I'll just google it. Duh!

Google, what is pain de mie? Pain de mie? Oh, that's easy. Pain de mie is essentially French for a loaf of sliced bread. Oh geez!!! Really? I had to smile to myself as I began my search for Keri. I went down to the dairy department where she was just leaving and headed to the produce section. I just about got to the produce as she seemed to be leaving it. I hollered out, "Hey, Burnidge!" She stopped and spun around, I've been trying to catch up to you since the dairy isle. She said, well,...did you find the pain de mie?

I held up my phone and showed her the google results as I was saying, turns out pain de mie is French for a loaf of sliced bread. Keri's response- What?!? Well, that's douchey!!! Why didn't they just say sliced bread? That IS a pain d'me!!!!

We had a pretty good laugh!!! It's turned into a buzz phrase around our house. Hey! Quit being a pain de mie!

Note: if you are trying out some new recipes and are unsure of the ingredients, google them before you go to the store or at least before you send your loving, helpful wife to find it.

Btw, I went back to the bakery lady and showed her the google results as well, just in case some other clueless soul inquired about the curious recipe item, pain de mie, and we had a pretty good laugh as well.

I'll share another story some other time about Keri sending me to the meat department.

Off the hook

Nothing like a blast of loud music to shock the shit right out of you! It happens just about every time I put my ear buds in to write.

Oh man, I just did a focus wheel on being in alignment and being in the vortex and it brought up a lot of feelings from the past and I know I have written about this before because it feels so familiar, this awareness. It goes back to feeling responsible for other people's happiness and I love the contrast of that because the freedom I feel when I realize again that I am not responsible for anyone else but me, it is so wonderful. I love knowing that I am only responsible for my own happiness, my own alignment, my own, my own, my own.

I am so glad I raised my son, Garrison, with the teaching that, this is your life and you can live it your own way, and what he does with that teaching is his own business. My lesson is acceptance.

This IS my life and I WILL live it my own way. I will do what I want in my life, because I am the one that chose to be here. I am the one that decided to take the risk. I am the one with bugs in my teeth when I stick my head out the window and feel the zest of being alive with wind blowing in my hair and the skin on my face is vibrating because we're going so fast. I am the one that gets the rewards of living my life my way. I am responsible for my alignment, not yours, not hers, not his, not theirs, not anyone but me!! Just me and my alignment. I am blissfully happy with my responsibility to myself and my alignment.

I can dance and sing and play and swim in the warm ocean water. I can sleep peacefully in the sun, relax on a massage table and I can eat whatever I want. I can wear whatever I want. I can laugh and smile and I can be at ease and feel such a sense of relief that I am off the hook and no longer responsible for anyone else but me.

When feelings of negativity or resistance come up and alert me that I am trying to take responsibility for some one else, I will take a deep breath and pause. In that pause I will be reminded that I am only responsible for me. Other people can work their own shit out. I have my own shit to work out and I am putting in the effort to do so. I know it takes effort and focusing on the positive. I positively love my life and the wonderful opportunities I have to practice on my lessons. I can take my time and think about what I want.

In the past I have been quick to decide things because I was trying to guess what someone else might want me to decide, but now I know to stay true to myself and make decisions based on what I want. I can take my time to see how I truly feel about the decision before I speak. I give myself permission to take my time. Take my time to make the decision that feels best to me.

I am allowed to make the decision for myself that matches my desire. I am responsible for my alignment and you are responsible for yours, not anyone else's.

Do what makes you happy and let them make decisions for themselves that make them happy. Nothing I decide for myself makes anyone else truly happy anyway, so why not make myself happy? I am worthy of happiness! True happiness!!!

Enjoy the journey. Enjoy the practice. Be easy about it. Be a patient teacher with yourself. Mistakes happen. We are all out here doing our best with what we've got, reaching for better, feeling better and getting better!

Come on in, the water is fine

Once I dipped my toe in the girl water, I discovered it was kinda like walking into the ocean for two reasons: 1. it takes a little bit of time to get used to the way it makes you feel different and 2. like I said before the girl water is very vast, much like the ocean.

Once you adjust to the way you feel in the ocean, the temperature difference, the feeling of buoyancy and trusting that it is safe to swim and play, you can relax and have fun and the same goes for getting a little bit more girlie. It does make me feel different, I can't quite put my finger on it,.....wait a minute, that's not entirely true. I can put my finger on it , but it's just that I am still getting used to it. So, here it goes, I like the way I feel pretty. It feels kinda silly, to say and to be a little embarrassed about it, but I do like it. The feel of longer hair, the feel of being fit and looking cute. I'm not sure why it makes me tear up a little to realize these things about myself, but it has been a very emotional discovery.

I've been looking on Pinterest and Amazon to get ideas about what style I like and it is sometimes very exciting and sometimes very overwhelming. There are so many different ways to be girlie, it really blows my mind. I guess I just need to trust that it is safe to swim and play, so I can relax and have fun.

That's really what it's all about any way, right? YES!!!

You're the next contestant,...

I'm surprisingly finding myself feeling a slight bit of nervousness when I begin talking about Keri to someone I don't know very well. It's been a very long time since I've felt this slight uneasiness.

The feeling would crop up in my mid to late twenties when I would talk about her and wonder if someone was going to ask me if we were "more than roommates". There was a time, back in Oklahoma, when I was asked by an employer to refer to her as my boyfriend and was even asked to change her name. I referred to her as Ken, once or twice and decided I'd rather not talk about my personal life than lie about it. It was heart breaking.

The next step was moving to Portland. I can recall a time when Garrison and I were talking to one of his classmates parents and he referred to Keri as my roommate and her generous response was, In Oregon we would call Keri your moms partner. It felt so amazing to have that acceptance. I can remember doing cartwheels, back flips and jumping up and down, like I had just won on the Price is Right, it was only in my mind, but the smile on my face was very real.

I have been comfortably referring to Keri as my partner for the last 14 years. Although I can also remember in the last 14 years hearing straight couples referring to themselves as each other's partners and it kinda rubbed me the wrong way. I felt like, what the fuck? You two can get married and be each other's spouses, but because of whatever reason you don't want to get married you are imposing yourselves onto the only terminology we can use to make our relationship more committed than girlfriends. Maybe it seems kinda childish and petty, but you can fucking get married you hose head!!! If you're not married and you are a man and a woman in a committed relationship, then you are boyfriend and girlfriend, not partners!

That is my anger and frustration talking. Honestly, the true loving aspect of myself doesn't give a shit what people call themselves. I want people to be happy. I want people to be treated equal. The last sentence of the previous paragraph felt very icky and wrong, just like it's wrong for anyone to say that marriage is only for a man and a woman!

I guess the uncertainty of others opinions is why that nervous uneasiness is starting to crop up again. I have started talking about Keri in the last week since we got married and have felt a pause. My,...(breath gets stuck in my throat as my mouth begins to say partner and then I find the courage to say) wife, Keri and I,....
I am so happy and proud to be married to my wife in a state that won't yet allow it that there's not a chance in hell I'm not going to take every damn chance I get to call her my wife. It is very emotional!!! I was just about to apologize for writing about it so much, but then I decided Fuck it!!! I've wanted to marry this woman for 18 years and I've only been married one week today, so if you don't like it, then don't read it! I am in love with my wife and I want the whole world to know!!!!

I am an instrument

I have to give credit for this post to Abraham-Hicks, but it's too good not to share.

"Your thoughts change the behavior of everyone and everything who has anything to do with you. For your thoughts absolutely equal your point of attraction, and the better you feel, the more everything and everyone around you improves. In the moment that you find an improved feeling, conditions and circumstances change to match your feeling. . . .

Playing the Which Thought Feels Better? Game will help you begin to realize the power that your own thoughts have to influence everything around you."

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="224"] Yes, I am posting this from my bubble bath. :)[/caption]

Sometimes when I think about this concept my "thinking brain" doubts that it's true, however my "knowing brain" doesn't even comprehend the concept of doubt, that's because my thinking brain is attached to the human aspect of myself and my knowing brain is attached to the spiritual aspect of myself.

Hmmm, let's see do I trust the knowing? Uh, yeah! I think I do. I mean, Yes! I do trust the knowing.

One lucky girl

I don't know how I could possibly be any more lucky in my short little life. I have an abundance of love surrounding me that I am so grateful for I can not even place words to the enormity of it.

I guess I will simply say thank you. Thank you, all of you, for loving me.

Teach or fish, you decide

It can be so hard sometimes to see that the help we are giving someone is not really providing exactly what that person needs. Yes, they may need to get somewhere to do something that is in their best interest, but making it happen and taking them there just might not be serving their highest good.

It is like the difference between providing fish or providing fishing lessons. Yes, teaching someone to fish is harder and takes longer. It can be very difficult to watch too, as someone you love struggles with baiting the hook and pulling in an empty line time after time. It is especially hard when it would be so much easier to do it yourself, BUT if we actually practice patience and stick it out, we only have to teach them to fish one time. If we loose our patience in the moment and just do it for them, we will be doubling our work load for the rest of our lives. Fishing for ourselves and fishing for them.

Then we get pissed because they are doing exactly what we taught them to do, depend on us, when really, the person we should be upset with is ourselves. I am
not saying that dependence is a bad thing. No! Not at all. I'm just suggesting maybe consider a healthy balance. You need you too, so think about saving a little of yourself for you. It will begin to feel amazing.

Puppy love, puppy respect

I am a person that keeps my word. Keri and I made an agreement with our golden retriever, Waffles, that we will always honor.

The agreement that we made with him is, that we understand he is an "only dog" and we will always keep it that way for him. He just turned 11 in July (approximately 66) and we would never want to mess with his golden years.

A couple months ago we went to the local farmers market to pick up a few things. As we walked to the market, we stumbled upon a group of people standing around a canopy tent with about 4 or 5 of the most adorable little puppies you have ever seen.

All of them, different breeds. They were so cute, we had to stop and love on them. We met a Frenchie, a Corgi, a Weinner dog and I believe there were a couple more that I don't really remember because I was busy falling in love with Nemo.

The sweetest little cuddle bunny of the group. He was the Frenchie puppy. As I was standing there chatting with the woman, morning coffee in one hand, petting Nemo with the other, the gal said, here hand me your coffee. Then she proceeded to hand Nemo over to me, as she was telling us about how snugly this guy was. Once he was in my arms, my heart just melted.

Before I knew it I was laying in the grass on my back with little Nemo sprawled out on my belly. He just camped out there like I was his momma. Sweetly nuzzling my chin and neck. Oh! What a lover that little Nemo was and I very easily could have scooped him right up and taken him home with me, but I knew that was not an option. There was no discussion what so ever between Keri and I. We knew Nemo was irresistible and he would have his forever home and we also knew we had our forever home puppy already.

That's right Waffles Bear, you are our only puppy and we love and respect you enough to keep our word. You shall have the sweetest and most relaxing of golden years a handsome devil like you deserves. Mommies love you.

Hi little leaf

On a walk last week I saw so many beautiful fall leaves. The contrast of the brilliant deep red leaves, as the sun shined down on them and lit them up like neon, against the soft blue of the sky is one of my very favorite contrasts. It reminds me that although contrast can be uncomfortable at times, without the contrast we would feel void of gratitude and oh how sweet the gratitude feels.

I fell truly madly and deeply in love with the beautiful Oregon fall in 1999. Keri, Garrison and I moved out here in August of 99 and that first fall was breath taking! I remember getting lost on my way to my first job, because I was so distracted by so many beautiful fall colors. I was so captivated by all the different leaves I would go on walks and collect leaves to send back to Oklahoma for my mom to see.



On that walk though, I stumbled across this leaf, and it reminded me of all those years I spent in Oklahoma. I tried to look it up on the internet, but it doesn't really matter what type of leave it is. What mattered is the connection that was made.

It took me back to playing in the woods with my cousins. This little leaf transported me back to a time when I would run around on the playground with my friends. I remember pretending to be Batman, Indians, a teacher, a gold medal gymnast and when I jumped out of the highest point off a swing I pretended that I could fly. I made tacos out of leaves and dirt and they were delicious. Everybody loved them.

I have to admit that life of fantasy was so fun and amazing that I haven't really ventured too far from it. I love to pretend and I am so grateful for the willingness in myself to pretend what ever the hell I want to pretend. I love feeling so good that I feel invincible. Sometimes I feel so good, I get pretty ballsy and I actually dare the Universe to fuck with me.

Sweet, sweet, contrast! Thank you Universe!!! Much respect! Peace out.

It's possible it could work for you too,...

It's hard to choose what to write about because there are so many wonderful things going on in my life right now. I know I can be nauseatingly positive sometimes and it can be a bit much for some, but I just love being happy and we all know happiness is a choice, right?

Wait a minute, did I hear someone say, NO or yeah right! That's ok, you don't have to believe it. Just ponder the idea for a moment though.

Maybe it is possible,...Maybe, just maybe if you think it might be possible the next time you get upset or frustrated you can consider changing your mind.

I mean why not? Who's it going to hurt? So, let's say you get upset about something, ok here we go,... Someone does something that you find to be disappointing, and you get frustrated. Why not just stop the vicious circle of thoughts regarding that person or situation and think about something else that makes you happy. When you think about something that makes you happy, like a baby's laughter or an adorable puppy, you can't help but smile. So you see, you can choose happiness. You are not a victim to your thoughts. You can change your mind and that is the totally awesome thing about our brains.

It sounds way too easy to work doesn't it? Just stop my thoughts? What do you mean? What's his name really disappointed me, how could he do that? Doesn't he know that I feel yadda yadda whatever? Well,...not always, in fact very rarely is someone else taking into consideration all of how you will feel about their actions. Even if they were to take your feelings into consideration, can they read your mind? Do they have your experiences? Are they going to be spot on when they do take your feelings into consideration? They have no clue all that you are exposed to in dealing with the details of your life, so even if they are kind enough to try, how could they ever accurately take your feelings into consideration?

I like to assume that everyone is doing the very best that they can given their current level of awareness. Is that true? I don't really know, but who cares! It makes me feel better and that is what I am here to do, feel better.

So you know what? I'm happy and I'm not going to apologize for that, I will say however that I have sympathy for you if you are frustrated with my happiness or my positive outlook. I have been frustrated before by someone else's clarity and happiness, but I soon realized that their clarity and happiness can only apply to them. So, I stopped being upset that they had clarity and happiness. Then I began to focus on my own. I'm only trying to have the best possible day I can. That is what I choose and because of that choice I have so many wonderful things going on in my life.

I am grateful I am aware of my choice.

Better late than never, part 3

Yes, it is true I have wanted to marry Keri since 1995. Imagine loving someone with all of your heart for 18 years and wanting, just like everyone else to get married, but you couldn't, because some stupid law reads, one man one woman. It was awful! Funny how awful is only one letter away from lawful.

Since we've been together, Keri and I have attending weddings of couples that don't even exist anymore and at one point we put a moratorium on attending weddings. We felt as long as we were not allowed to marry, we would not attend the celebration of others that could. It was hard, ya know? To see other people getting to do what we so badly wanted and couldn't have. The moratorium was an act of self-preservation, or so it felt.

It didn't last long because we got an invitation to Keri's sister's wedding and there wasn't a chance in hell I was going pass on that, just to prove a point. Keri's sister, Kirsten, said at the reception of their ceremony that she felt it wasn't fair for her and her husband to be getting married when her sister who had been together with her partner for so many years wasn't able to. I thought it was sweet of her to acknowledge our relationship.

Keri and I actually bought rings back in 97 and agreed that we wouldn't wear them until we had a ceremony. Before we could even got to the car we had already decided to say fuck it and wear our new rings, because when were we going to be able to have a ceremony.

Then in 2002 we, I should say I, started to plan a ceremony and I keep calling it a ceremony because it wouldn't have actually been a marriage, because there are still some people around that think a marriage can only be between a man and a woman. I wanted a wedding, a ceremony or whatever you want to call a party where we get together with all our closest people and publicly declare our love for one another. Keri back then agreed to do what I wanted to do but, she definitely was totally fine skipping that part all together.

Not to say at all, that she didn't love me, she is hopelessly, madly, truly and deeply in LOVE. :) In case you are reading this and don't know Keri, I have to tell you that she is the practical one. She would say and has said, why go to all the trouble and expense of it, if it isn't going to mean anything legally. She also said, I want you to be happy and if want a ceremony and you plan it, I will be there.

So, I started planning. I looked into catering, venue, music, flowers, dresses (maybe not dresses back then), but quickly realized the cost of this "ceremony" was quite a bit more than I thought and that is when we decided to buy a house.

I did make more sense to put all of that money toward something that would benefit us. She did have a very valid point. I just wanted to be married to my baby that's all and guess what! I am now happily and legally married. It is an amazing feeling!

Married ✔️

Better late than never, part 2

It was about three and a half weeks ago that Keri surprised me with the spontaneous proposal. I could not contain my happiness and overall excitement because we have been wanting to get married since 1995 and we really never thought that we would be able to in our life time. We thought that Oregon might come around in 2014 and allow same sex marriage. So, about 4 months ago we started planning a ceremony for 2015 (the year of our 20 year anniversary), so there has been a great deal of conversation on the subject lately, but to suggest that we do it now, was very exciting and honestly, after the initial excitement a little disappointing too.

Exciting, because we HAVE been wanting this for so long and were not allowed. Yes, that is what I said, Not Allowed, but now that it is legal, in selective states, we didn't want to wait a moment longer. The disappointing part was that I really wanted all the things we have been talking about over the last several months. I was torn!

I was upset and emotional. It was confusing because I was also very excited. Keri was very sweet and supportive. She offered to wait until 2015, but said just because we go up to the courthouse in Seattle, doesn't mean we won't still have the event we've been planning. She said the most important thing to her was my happiness and she didn't want me to have another wedding experience that I'd look back on and regret. She knows how important the event of a wedding is to me and despite her uncomfortable feelings regarding being the center of attention, she has agreed to step outside of her comfort zone for me. What a sweet heart she is and me, well, I have promised to hog the spotlight.

Better late than never, part 1

You know how sometimes your feelings are so overwhelmingly wonderful that all you can do is hold your hands up, shrug your shoulders and say, I have no words, while the tears are rolling down your face?

Maybe you do and maybe you don't ,... Well, let me tell you what happen to me this weekend.

I had the most wonderful and joyous experience of finally AND legally marrying the love of my life.

It. Was. Amazing!

I've been married before and neither time before did I experience the happiness, giddiness, and depth of love I felt this time. I believe with ALL my heart that this time, I got it right!

What else would I post today?

I am so excited to finally be marrying the love of my life.

As my dad would have said, "tears of joy".

Out and Damn Proud

It truly is an amazing time to be alive and to be gay. I know there are a great deal of challenges yet to face for gay, lesbian, bi and transgender people and we have a long way to go before we truly have equality for all, but I can't deny that there are so many wonderful things happening right now too.

There are positive role models in sitcoms, on day time and night time talk shows, in the Top40 songs on the radio, artists, musicians, athletes, YouTube videos, political people and really all over the place.

Keri and I watched a documentary on HBO a couple weeks ago entitled, The Out List, which was a series of interviews with public figures that are gay, lesbian, bi or trans such as Neal Patrick Harris, Suze Orman, Ru Paul and Wanda Sikes. I love Wanda!!! She is hilarious!!!

The stories shared in this documentary were very compelling, funny and some quite emotional. I definitely recommend checking it out. I felt hopeful and grateful for all the progress we have made towards more acceptance. I liked their Facebook page too. The Out List, check it out.

Then also make sure you have heard the song Same Love by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. It's amazing to me that in my lifetime there would be such a change in awareness. I've mentioned in previous blogs that I had no idea what gay was and I was lost in a world of confusion with zero role models to identify with as a young person.

Now we have songs in the Top40 and sitcoms on prime time tv that are shedding positive light on the possibility of being GLBT. The more accepted we all feel the better chance we have of surviving. These positive messages and role models are saving and enriching the lives of GLBT people all over the world. It's amazing!!! I love it!!!

I mean who would have thought the very week my partner and I decide to make it official and plan a trip to the nearest state that has passed a law to make it legal for same sex couples to get married (Washington) that our very own home state of Oregon would begin recognizing all legal out of state marriages, including same sex marriages. That is pretty amazing to me! Oregon passing a same-sex marriage law is just around the corner and maybe someday all marriages will just be called marriages.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="300"] Translation: Love Conquers Hate[/caption]

Chelsea Handler wore a shirt this week that read, "Love Conquers Hate" in Russian in support of GLBT awareness on her show Chelsea Lately. See? IT IS an amazing time,...

THANK YOU to all the amazingly brave people that make awareness their passion.

What harm could love do?

It's so amazing to me how a song can totally transport me to another time. I don't know if music has this profound of an affect on every one, but I can totally connect to strong dramatic feelings from anytime in my life when I hear certain songs that really moved me. It could be very heavy if I allowed myself to get lost in those feelings from the past.

I choose to be grateful instead.

I just heard, Every Woman In The World by Air Supply from 1980. I had the Lost in Love album, and I remember playing that record over and over and over. I was completely and desperately lost in love. It felt so devastating and dramatic, because I was lost in love with the pretty little red headed girl who, at the time had a huge crush on some boy, of course. For the sake of this story we'll call the little red headed girl, Cindy and her crush, we'll call him Billy. Hey, Billy is better than jack ass.

In 1980 I was 10 years old and in the fifth grade. I have vivid memories of doing push ups in my bedroom and saying Cindy's name every time I pushed myself away from the floor. I also had a coloring book of Disney's, Sleeping Beauty. I colored the page of Sleeping Beauty and the prince kissing and wrote Cindy and Billy at the top of the page. It broke my little 10 year old heart to write his name next to hers when I finished coloring, because the whole time I was thinking of writing Cindy and Angel.

I traced that coloring book page and colored it again and again. The following times I wrote other girls names from my class with the names of the boys they liked. I know,...you probably thought I was going to say I put my name at the top with Cindy's name and I wanted to desperately, but more importantly, I wanted to give her the coloring page. So, in an effort to take the focus off of me giving this to just her, I gave one to all the girls.

They all actually liked them and taped them to the side of their desks. I just pretended that it was my name at the top of Cindy's, I did do all the coloring AND my gift to her was right there, taped to the side of her desk in front of everyone to see. The only thing wrong was, it wasn't my name that everyone saw next hers.

I am so grateful for this glorious time of my life when I can draw into the sand on the beach a huge heart with 3 foot letters, shouting to the world ANGEL LOVES KERI!!!! It fills my eyes with tears and floods my heart with love.

Do you hear that Cindy? ANGEL LOVES KERI!!!!

Don't get me wrong. I am not begrudging Cindy, although that last comment did kinda sound like I am. I know my unrequited love had nothing to do with her. It's not you (Cindy), it's me, well it was anyway. I did do everything in my power to keep those feelings pressed WAY down and hidden. It probably didn't work, but I kept myself pretty well fooled for quite a long time and that is exactly why I choose to be grateful when I hear those heart wrenching songs.

I've come along way down this road of learning to accept myself and allowing myself the freedom to express my feelings of love towards women. It feels so good to let love flow.

One and done!

I should not have to hold my breath to spare myself from your excessive use of perfume. I find the overuse of perfume and cologne to be quite offensive. In fact one of my friends said it best when she posted this comment on Facebook, "It's called a fragrance, not a flavor." Thank you Laura, I couldn't agree more.

Keri and I threaten all the time that we are going to get t-shirts made up that have an image of a traditional perfume bottle on them with the words, One and Done, printed on them.

C'mon people!!! Be sensitive to the nostrils of others.

Flash dance? Really?

I really can not put into words how lucky and happy I am to have all the wonderful people that I have in my life. I must have done something really special somewhere along the line, because I certainly am reaping the benefits.

I have so much love coming at me from so many directions. It feels like a flood of love that just keeps washing over me. I am certain I have it in me to give it all back too, because I am connected to an endless supply of love. All I have to do is keep myself open to positivity and I KNOW the love will just keep on coming to me and I will allow it to flow through me and out to all the wonderful people that surround me.

I know there are people in the world that feel like love is out of reach, but I'm pretty sure it's because their hands are busy holding on to grudges, worry, fear, doubt, pain, burdens, anger and a bunch of other things that just DO NOT FEEL GOOD!

I know that people have their eyes blurred by resentment, injustice, hatred and a bunch of other things that keep their eyes closed to love. To those people I ask, I plead, WHY?

Why do you want to feel so bad? Just let it go,...



IT. FEELS. SO. GOOD to just release all the sadness, all the frustration and all the negative. Just lean yourself back, tilt your head back, open your arms, lift your chest towards the sky with your heart open wide, open your mind and let ALL the good stuff splash down on you like the girl in Flash Dance when the water crashes down on her. Get yourself soaked to the bone in all the positivity and love that there is around you.

It's pretty fuckin' awesome is all I have to say,...

Thank you. Each and every one of you for the positive contributions you have made to my life. I love you right back.

Just in case you're wondering,... It's life. I'm high on life and you can be too.

Makes my heart sing

I love having conversations with people and making connections. I love being open to hear whatever someone has to share. I feel this openness in myself provides a sense of ease that allows people to feel very comfortable with me and share things they might not share with anyone else.

I love listening and providing space for people to be whatever it is they need to be. This openness has placed me in a very special position of hearing some very difficult challenges people have experienced in their lives. I feel it is special because they have a sense of trust in me and find themselves sharing things that are scary, hurtful, private and vulnerable. I have no judgement when I am listening. I am just listening and accepting. I love the feeling of relief people experience when they are comfortable enough to share a snap shot of their life and have a loving smile returned to them. The love and acceptance they feel causes them to glow.

I don't have to know all the details of their lives, but when people share these kinds of things with me, I feel I know enough to feel privileged to know them. Sometimes these little episodes of sharing and allowing provide a shift in awareness. Sometimes that little shift can change someone's life.

Feelings of gratitude develop. Witnessing that shift always gives me cold chills all up and down my arms and legs, sometimes even in my face. It's an amazing feeling.

I am so happy to know that even though people experience some heavy challenges that they are open to allowing other people in and sharing what they need to be. People are loving each other and seeing each other with clearer eyes.

It makes my heart sing to see such love.

Relive to tell, is it really worth it?

Reliving the details of an event or situation that caused frustration initially,...Does it serve you? That is the ultimate question.

If reliving it serves you, in a manner of assisting clarity to transcend the event or situation, then yes, relive it. Work it through. Process it and change your perspective on reality, but if reliving it only creates more frustration and feelings of dis ease, then for gods sake, stop it!

This is a good question that I will be asking myself in the future. Does this serve me? How am I going to benefit from the retelling of this situation that was so frustrating to me that just talking about it gets me really upset again?

If we find ourselves retelling a story over and over again that created a great deal of stress in the first place we could use it as a reminder to, pause and evaluate for ourselves, is it really worth it?

Everything's gonna be alright

You know that moment when you are right in the middle of a panic and you can't feel your feet?

It's sorta like your breathing gets to going so rapidly, the circulation to your extremities slows to a point of no feeling. You almost have this feeling that everything is going to be ok, if only this one thing would just work out.

I had this feeling a couple weeks ago at the grocery store. I had recently gotten a new wallet for my purse, so I had reorganized everything in a way that seemed to make sense at the time, but once I was standing in the check out line all that sense went right out the window.

I was frantically looking for my debit card to pay for my groceries and I KNEW that it was in there somewhere, I just could not find it. The panic feeling was not helping me find it, so I took a few deep breaths and told myself, it will be just fine. You know your debit card is in here somewhere. The deep breaths helped me feel my feet again and what do you know I was able to find my debit card.

It was in a place that seemed totally logical. What do you know? I'm not crazy after all. The cashier was totally identifying with me and she was the one that mentioned the feeling of not bring able to feel her feet. It was spot on and as soon as she said that my awareness shifted and that is when I started taking the deep breaths and I calmed down.

It's amazing sometimes how the very simple words of one person can have such a profound affect on someone else and that concept right there is the main reason why I write this blog.

I want people to be aware that they have the power to change their lives. I want people to know that they can choose a more peaceful life. I want people to feel all the love there is to feel around them and more importantly within them. I want people to feel empowered. Don't get me wrong I benefit a great deal from all the writing and introspective work I do for this blog. This blog provides for me a huge sense of empowerment. All the things I write about are really a higher wisdom in myself that I allow to flow through me and I am learning as I am writing. In fact, I am a subscriber to my own blog.

When I write about something, the post usually goes out a few days later and sometimes even as much as a couple weeks later. So, time passes and with experience even just a couple of days worth of experiences my perspective changes. When I get up in the morning, the very first thing I do is, I read my blog. I surprise myself sometimes. I wonder where the hell did that clarity come from and I guess the answer is, from a higher wisdom.

A wisdom that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything is going to be ok, even if for a moment I can't feel my feet. It will all be ok.

Group activity, anyone?

It's a pretty good indication to me that it's time to write when I wake up around dark thirty and I roll over on my side, then on my back, then my other side and then on to my stomach. That's just about the time that I decide to give up on sleep because all that tossing and turning has stirred up ideas of things to write about and at that point my brain won't settle. So, regardless of the ridiculousness of the hour, I roll over one more time and reach for my blogging implement.

The idea that won't settle this morning is based on a memory I had yesterday and I can't remember now what triggered this memory, but I was reflecting back on a time when I was trying to come to terms with my confusing feelings about my sexual preferences. It's interesting to me the events that occurred that opened me up to accepting myself.

I was 22 years old and married to my second husband. I was trying like hell to be straight. Maybe one more husband would straighten me right out. Yeah right, well, it never was that conscious of a decision. It was more like,...honestly, I don't really know what it was like. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. When I was presented with the option to marry I just said yes, not thinking about if I really wanted to marry this man or not. I cried at this wedding the same way I did at my first. Somewhere inside me I knew it wasn't right.

I was very unhappy in that relationship. Things were not going well. He was an alcoholic and his employment was spotty. He was cheating on me. He was miserable and so was I. I spent as many hours as possible with our son away from the house. We had totally different schedules as he worked the night shift and slept all day. It was a volatile situation.

I was desperate for a way out. I felt powerless. His communication style was aggressive, manipulative and belittling. I remember feeling about two feet tall. I resented the FUCK OUT OF HIM and myself. I used to be so frustrated and upset at the whole situation that I would look at myself in the mirror give myself a hateful angry growl as I clenched my fists and shook with rage. To be completely honest, the only thing keeping me alive at that time in my life was my sweet little baby boy. I actually thought, if I kill myself, who would that leave to raise my son? I was going to have to figure something out.

Then something happened that would change my life forever. I was approached to participate in a group activity that could provide an opportunity for me to explore my attraction to women. If you can imagine this, please consider that it literally took me about fifteen minutes just to write that last sentence. No. I'm not kidding. Nervous much? Yes!!!

It's ok, I can be nervous and still proceed. There is a strong and confident part of me that feels it is important to share this and I will tap into that confidence to continue writing.

I said yes to participating in that group activity and the arrangements were made. As I nervously waited for the time to arrive, I had a total change of heart. No, no, no, I don't want to do this and I decided I would ignore the knock on the door. I would just pretend that I was sleeping and I didn't hear the knock. I somehow convinced myself that was going to work. Yep! I'll just sleep right through it.

Knock! Knock! Knock! Wrong! I shot straight up out of bed like a rocket. My heart was racing and there was no way in hell I could ignore it. Little did I know that the moment I opened the door to this experience, that I would be opening the door to the path that would lead me to myself.

I had my first sexual experience with a woman and it was so many things. Confusing, exciting, liberating and terrifying. I loved the way it made me feel like, hey this is who I am. I hated the way it made me feel like, oh my god what the hell is wrong with me.

I decided there was something wrong with me. Being attracted to women for a woman was wrong and I had no evidence to show that it could be anything else, but wrong. In an effort to try and help me process my feelings I joined a 12 step group called Sexaholics Anonymous (SA).

The definition of sobriety was very strict. One was considered sexually sober only when the sex they were having was with their spouse of the opposite gender. Masturbation was even excluded. It was very oppressive. After months of attendance, I decided that was ridiculous. I am certain this group has helped many people with their lives, but it just wasn't for me. I looked into another program very similar, but radically different in that each person wrote their own definition of sobriety. Those Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) meetings helped me to realize that I wasn't actually addicted to sex and that the feelings I was having were COMPLETELY normal and natural because I am a lesbian. Whew! What a relief. Big huge sigh of relief. After 23 years of wrestling with the reality that I was different, I finally came to terms with different is not wrong. Different is just different.

Acceptance of myself, as a lesbian, gave me the confidence to divorce that jack ass and move on. It only took me two years of allowing my true self to BE, as a gay person, to allow the love of my life to arrive. :)

This morning after I began writing this post I rolled over one more time and cuddled up to Keri. I scratched her back and her head and laid there in complete happiness loving on my baby, because I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that these sweet feelings of love that we share are completely natural. It is my sincere heartfelt wish that I every single person alive can grow up having feelings of certainty that love is love, and there ain't a damn thing wrong with that.

Yes, it's true,...

Being a "Pen Freak", yes, I'm an admitted pen freak, the one thing I miss about writing this blog, is the feeling of a good pen in my hand gliding across a blank page. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE WRITING THIS BLOG!!!! I really do!!! But I do miss the smell of ink and the feel of a good medium ball point on a semi-thick stack of good paper. I love the feel of a fountain pen on good cotton paper. In either case, I love the way the paper curls up once I have filled it up with my words of passion. I love the way passion filled paper feels in my hands, as I tap several pages together on the table to straighten them up. If you know this feeling, you are probably a pen freak too.

You know who you are, you find a way to walk down the pen isle at the grocery store, you know right where a "good" paper store is, you claim pens as your own the second you write with them, you write with the pen, if you can, before you buy it, you probably have enough pens to last you two or three lifetimes and you still are on the look out for a good pen, you respect ownership of a good pen and you NEVER just walk off with one you like, BUT you are willing to ask if you can have it. Yes, I know you. You are me.

I have certain pens for certain things. Wow!!! Am I really sharing these details? Yes! Yes, I am. These are the details that make me who I am and if I keep them hidden, then how will I know that I am loved for my WHOLE self? It can be kinda scary, because it feels bare and vulnerable to put your whole self out there. Ok, maybe not this particular detail, but there are details that trigger doubt. What if I'm rejected? Well, fuck it!!! Who wants to be only a little bit themselves? I want to be my whole true self!!!!

Does that mean I have to expose my whole true self? Well, no! UNLESS, my whole true self includes being an exhibitionist. Some things ARE private, but I think it's safe to put it out there that I have a certain type of pen I like to use when I write on post cards to send to my mom. I have a different kind of pen I like to use when I write in my journal, and when I write a check, a different one. Yes, I still write checks, not very much, but I do.

One thing about being a pen freak is I think it's important to keep the art of actual letter writing alive. I love to send cards and letters. I have a ritual that includes placing a wax seal on the outside of the envelope. It makes it feel special to me. Receiving a handwritten letter in the mail these days is a rarity and then to flip over the envelope to open it and find a wax seal,...WOW!!! I hope that when anyone receives something like that from me that they feel special, because that is exactly what I am intending.

I guess it's kinda cool in a way to be a pen freak. A pen freak cares. This is who I am and I will proudly stand here with my freak flag flapping in the breeze to let it be known across the land that #1- I am a pen freak and #2 - I care! Not necessarily in that order.

Do you fly your freak flag? I know you have one, everybody does.