Yes, it's true, I tend to cry when I am feeling confused, happy, sad, mad, proud and probably a bunch of other things too. If you doubt it, just ask my very patient empathetic wife.
Since I've been on this "girl journey" it seems to have intensified. I'm not sure if it's because I'm opening myself up to things that I've kept shut down for so many years or if I am going through some pre menopause symptoms. Shit!!!! I may be going through menopause!! Oh damn!!! I haven't given a great deal of thought to that portion of the girl journey. Who the hell knows?
What I do know is that Keri has been very supportive and has stood by my side through this whole emotional roller coaster that I have been on and subsequently have dragged her along with me. She met the height requirement and she was standing right there with me. Poor Keri, she just didn't know what kind of roller coaster she was about to board, but she jumped on and she jumped on with me. I love her for that!!! Yes, I'm crying.
The truth of the matter is the last year and a half or so, has been full of life changing events. Some have been, blow my mind, amazing and some are still in transition, on their way to being alright or even amazing.
One of the these life changing events was in August 2012, when Keri's mother passed away and to be completely honest with you, it really crushed me. For so many years I yearned for a relationship with her and for reasons that I do not completely understand, it just wasn't in the cards.
But there was a moment in the hospital when Keri and her sister were called out into the hall to speak with the doctor and I was left alone with their mom. It felt so strange and surreal to be standing there, sharing space with this woman that I wanted a relationship with so badly and was never given the chance. I took a moment and spoke to her with my open heart. I told her that I loved her daughter very much and I wished that she and I could have had a chance to share the experience of loving Keri together. I told her that I wanted her to feel peace and that if she was suffering that it was ok to let go. What I really wanted was for her to open her eyes and wrap her arms around me in a loving embrace, but more than that I wanted her to feel peace. It still makes me cry, but I am very grateful to have shared that moment with her.
It's very difficult to write about, so I believe I will leave it at this, feelings of love, for me, go beyond understanding why someone makes the choices they make. Choices are very personal and we can never really understand why someone else does what they do, but that doesn't mean feelings of love have to cease to exist. If understanding each other were required to feel love, would any of us love any other one of us? I don't understand most of the things people choose, but it doesn't stop my love.
You don't have to get me or understand where I'm coming from because this perspective is mine and mine alone, but I love Keri's mom. I wasn't crazy about some of her choices, but I'm sure she wasn't crazy about some of mine either. However, my wife would not be the wonderful beautifully sarcastic love of my life, if her childhood were not shaped the way it was by the loving hands of her mother.
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