Girl water

The last couple of years I have been dipping my toe in the girl water just a little. You might be asking yourself, what the heck does that mean?





Well, for me it means I have been flirting with the idea of being a little more feminine.


I am not sure if being a gay woman predisposes me to being tomboyish or if I was straight I still would have ran kicking and screaming from the Sunday morning ritual of dressing for church. Back then I would shout down the hall, "God doesn't care if I wear a dress or not". I thought it was rather cruel to have cartoon day and church day back to back. Ultimate freedom followed by complete conformity, torture I tell you!!! Torture!!!


Before I knew what gay was I simply thought I wanted to be a boy. There were no examples in Oklahoma in the 70's to match the way I was feeling, so my 7 year old brain concluded I should be a boy. I wore jeans, t-shirts, tennis shoes and ball caps. Not much different than my current wardrobe .


Subconsciously, I was dressing to avoid the attention of boys. It was way more comfortable and not just because I like soft cottony clothes, also because there occasionally was an illusion that I may actually be a boy. I got a few smiles from little girls and that just made my heart flutter. That positive connection encouraged the tomboyish look and it continued for many years.


Recently though, I've been having a change of heart.


Nope,...I am still gay (that doesn't change) and I still don't think God gives a shit what you wear, but I've gotten some lipstick, bikinis and a couple of pull over beach dresses and surprisingly to many, AND by choice I wore a dress to a wedding in Oklahoma this last June. Very surprising to me,... I have actually enjoyed all these new things.


The questions have come up, why the change? Am I being true to myself? Am I trying to be something that I am not? What's going on? And I have been tumbling this around in my mind and talking about it.


I think growing up I was so uncomfortable having these feelings and attractions to girls that I was always trying to hide my girlness. I was trying to feel ok with who I was on the inside and not really exploring how to be girlie on the outside, because I didn't know how to make it all fit.


I can remember very clearly the feeling I had at 23 when I accepted myself as a gay woman. I wanted to shout it from the top of a mountain, I am gay and that is how all these feelings make sense. I never felt more like I wanted to be a woman than I did in that moment.


I am a woman that loves women and that is sexy.


So, am I being true to myself? I am still trying to figure that out. I feel like I am. I feel like I have repressed this part of myself for so long that I didn't even know it was in there. My eyes are welling up with tears as my 43 year old brain concludes that being a woman in love with a woman is pretty damn girlie!


I am ready to set free the little girl in me that I put away all those years ago and I am ready to twirl. Forget the toe dipping, let's swim in the girl water!!!!


Being true to yourself and allowing yourself to explore what that means as you grow and change is truly an amazing feeling. I believe if it feels this amazing I must be being true to myself.