It has been a little over a year now since I started trying to wean myself off my seizure medicines. I did all the tests my neurologist asked me to do and we considered all the facts: the last 10 years of being seizure free, the levels of my medications at the time and the likelihood that I might actually be able to be medicine free as well.
The possibility was very exciting to me. I had been taking about 1200mg of barbiturates a day for the last 22 years. I was so excited to try it out I wanted to start the minute my doctor told me that she thought it might work. Her approval came with many warnings that it might not work, that I may need to be on either a smaller dose or a newer medication. I accepted that fact and that I would not be able to drive and that I had to cut out all alcohol, even my beloved microbrews. I was ok with all of those rules. I was just so excited that it was even possible to attempt to see if I could be off medicine.
Keri, on the other hand, was not so excited and I don't blame her. She went to my appointments with me and asked all her own questions. She was very apprehensive about the whole process. She was going to be the one that had to, consciously, deal with the stress of experiencing my seizure. Which we have talked about at length and I understand, now, how hard it is for her to feel so helpless. I have never witnessed a seizure. I have only experienced them on an unconscious level, which by the way, is certainly no picnic either.
I really appreciate Keri for putting herself in a vulnerable position for me and the possibility of something better for me, even though it was risky. I appreciate all the things she did for me during that time and all the people that supported me through that process. The ones that volunteered to administer the emergency medication, if I had a seizure, the ones that gave me rides, the ones that picked me up at random bus stops in the pouring rain and the ones that offered support and words of encouragement on Facebook. I am very grateful for all the awesome love around me.
The weaning process took three long arduous months and I did wean completely off ALL my medications. I was totally med free for a whole month. Then one day, I woke up sitting in a chair, in the admissions department of the ER.
That was a very strange experience.
Keri was there with me, of course, and I was trying,... to,... figure,... out,... where we were,... and,...what,... we were doing,...And then I began to cry,...
All that excitement, all that effort and all that hope right out the window. It still saddens me to reflect on that moment of defeat. BUT, and that is a huge but, I am still alive. My seizures are controlled by medication AND I was 100% successful in reducing the amount of medication I take. I only take 500mg now and I can drive.
I, often, think about that part of my life and just take a deep breath. I am very grateful for what I have, plus I earned the privilege of being a permanent honored citizen.
Thank you Tri-met! I am grateful for your buses and I am grateful I don't HAVE to ride them every day.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Don't make me puke!!!
Relationships can be difficult at times, but I believe if you are willing to face your challenges and take an honest look at yourself and your part in those difficult times that they could turn into growth.
I consider myself pretty damn lucky in the relationship department. Keri and I do have our challenges and our differences, but we put a great deal of effort into our relationship. We talk about our feelings and believe me it is uncomfortable sometimes. We make compromises for each other and we have disagreements. It just seems like when we have these uncomfortable discussions, as hard as it is sometimes, it just improves our relationship.
Sometimes what I am feeling has absolutely nothing to do with what she is doing or vice versa. Talking it all out just helps bring clarity and we have been at this relationship thing for a long time now, but I really do believe that she is beginning to see that I am right.
No, seriously! I am right! BUT she is right too. That's the wonderful thing about this, I am right for me and she is right for her. Nope, that wasn't a typo what I mean is, my ideas about what is right, are right for me and her ideas about what is right, are right for her. As we discuss how we feel we are learning to allow each others rightness simply to be the rightness for each other.
What is right for her doesn't make what is right for me wrong, it just means it is wrong for her. And just because we have a difference in opinion over things, does not mean we are growing apart it means we are growing together. We are strong enough and confident enough in our relationship that we allow each other to be true to ourselves, so that we can be the best of ourselves for each other.
Damn! That's so fucking sweet, even I want to puke!
However, the other morning as we were dancing around the kitchen, unloading our groceries and singing along with Dorothy Moore to Misty Blue, this feeling came over me that I can only describe as, that moment in our lives could be right out of a movie. It was kinda dreamy. Relationships can be truly amazing at times, and I believe if you are willing to take an honest look at your relationship you would find lots of things that would fill your heart with gratitude, even if the thought of it would make your friends puke.
And if not, it's time to move on or start having some uncomfortable conversations.
I consider myself pretty damn lucky in the relationship department. Keri and I do have our challenges and our differences, but we put a great deal of effort into our relationship. We talk about our feelings and believe me it is uncomfortable sometimes. We make compromises for each other and we have disagreements. It just seems like when we have these uncomfortable discussions, as hard as it is sometimes, it just improves our relationship.
Sometimes what I am feeling has absolutely nothing to do with what she is doing or vice versa. Talking it all out just helps bring clarity and we have been at this relationship thing for a long time now, but I really do believe that she is beginning to see that I am right.
No, seriously! I am right! BUT she is right too. That's the wonderful thing about this, I am right for me and she is right for her. Nope, that wasn't a typo what I mean is, my ideas about what is right, are right for me and her ideas about what is right, are right for her. As we discuss how we feel we are learning to allow each others rightness simply to be the rightness for each other.
What is right for her doesn't make what is right for me wrong, it just means it is wrong for her. And just because we have a difference in opinion over things, does not mean we are growing apart it means we are growing together. We are strong enough and confident enough in our relationship that we allow each other to be true to ourselves, so that we can be the best of ourselves for each other.
Damn! That's so fucking sweet, even I want to puke!
However, the other morning as we were dancing around the kitchen, unloading our groceries and singing along with Dorothy Moore to Misty Blue, this feeling came over me that I can only describe as, that moment in our lives could be right out of a movie. It was kinda dreamy. Relationships can be truly amazing at times, and I believe if you are willing to take an honest look at your relationship you would find lots of things that would fill your heart with gratitude, even if the thought of it would make your friends puke.
And if not, it's time to move on or start having some uncomfortable conversations.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Grocery cart
I don't understand why some people don't return their grocery carts at the grocery store. I see these carts left all over the parking lot and sometimes they are rolling straight towards someone's car or blocking a parking spot. I really do try to give people the benefit of the doubt, such as maybe they are in pain and returning the cart is just too much for them, or maybe they are going through some difficult time and its all they can do to muster up the energy to take care of themselves, but sometimes it just seems like laziness and a lack of consideration. Don't you think if you can get the cart you could return the cart? Usually the grocery stores provide multiple cart returns right in the the parking lot.I know this is pretty petty, but since I've brought it up I might as well get it all out. When a cart is returned, how hard would it be to push the cart into the cart that is already there? It's just a simple little consideration for the people that work at the grocery store and for other people that return their carts. More carts can be stored in the cart return if they are properly placed.
Another little grocery store annoyance of mine is when using the recycling machines, if you experience a malfunction, why can't you simply push the service button to request help before just moving over to the next machine? There are other people that use these recycling machines and in fact are waiting in line to use the next available machine and you just jammed one up and stepped over to the next machine without even pushing the damn service button. That is so inconsiderate and rude.
I have a pretty good idea that it is unreasonable for me to expect other people to have the same values as me, but this is so simple.
Ok, now, I realize I am judging others on their actions or lack of actions in these cases and if you knew me you'd know I am a pretty positive upbeat person, but the key word there is person. I am a flawed human being doing the best I can with my current level of awareness and damn it, I guess that is what all those other people are doing as well.
My choices are to let it go and happily continue my efforts in returning abandoned carts or move to Canada.
Seriously! In Canada they have all their grocery carts stored in a coin operated locking device. When you get a cart you pay a 25cent deposit and when you return the cart you get your quarter back.
I'm not moving to Canada for 25cents, but I wouldn't mind if people thought twice about leaving their carts in the parking lot,...
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
You should check out that boat,...
Have you ever known a person that would just blurt out some random comment? It's kinda like they are having a conversation with themselves in their mind and as if you can hear all of what's going on in their brain, they just blurt out some random comment. You look at them with a very confused look on your face and your thinking, What the hell are you talking about?
The funny thing about this is, I actually know a few people that do this and it seems very perplexing, especially when you are not very familiar with the person.
However, I happen to be one of these people, as well as my mom and my son. Usually, when it's my mom that just blurts out a random comment, I somehow know what she's talking about, and we always burst out in laughter. I guess it's because we know each other so well, we both know that she has just done this thing that nobody else would understand, but for some strange reason, even without being able to read her mind, I know exactly what she's talking about.
It has happened with Garrison as well. I'm not sure if it's me that's acutely in tune with my mom and son or if we all share this connection. Many times with Garrison, even though I have known what he was talking about, I've acted like I didn't, in an effort to sort of train him to be more aware of his communication style. I don't know if it helped or not, but that is what I thought was best. It was sort of like explaining to him as he was growing up what kind of expectations might be out in the world. I know his heart and his intentions, but a potential boss or girlfriend might not have this knowing and understanding of him. I tried to teach him and encourage him to be very clear with his communication. I have to admit it feels like I didn't get the message across, but then again maybe I did and he's just doing the best that he can with his current level of awareness and his particular set of challenges.
It's funny how I can start writing about some random thing and it turns into a post about something completely different. I have tons and tons of love for my son, but very little understanding. What I am ever grateful for regarding Garrison, is the knowing I have in my heart and the very depths of my soul that he will be just fine, whether I understand him or not.
However, regarding "that boat" in the title, I still remain utterly and completely clueless.
The funny thing about this is, I actually know a few people that do this and it seems very perplexing, especially when you are not very familiar with the person.
However, I happen to be one of these people, as well as my mom and my son. Usually, when it's my mom that just blurts out a random comment, I somehow know what she's talking about, and we always burst out in laughter. I guess it's because we know each other so well, we both know that she has just done this thing that nobody else would understand, but for some strange reason, even without being able to read her mind, I know exactly what she's talking about.
It has happened with Garrison as well. I'm not sure if it's me that's acutely in tune with my mom and son or if we all share this connection. Many times with Garrison, even though I have known what he was talking about, I've acted like I didn't, in an effort to sort of train him to be more aware of his communication style. I don't know if it helped or not, but that is what I thought was best. It was sort of like explaining to him as he was growing up what kind of expectations might be out in the world. I know his heart and his intentions, but a potential boss or girlfriend might not have this knowing and understanding of him. I tried to teach him and encourage him to be very clear with his communication. I have to admit it feels like I didn't get the message across, but then again maybe I did and he's just doing the best that he can with his current level of awareness and his particular set of challenges.
It's funny how I can start writing about some random thing and it turns into a post about something completely different. I have tons and tons of love for my son, but very little understanding. What I am ever grateful for regarding Garrison, is the knowing I have in my heart and the very depths of my soul that he will be just fine, whether I understand him or not.
However, regarding "that boat" in the title, I still remain utterly and completely clueless.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Dealing with stress
There are times when we encounter very stressful situations or very stressful people and sometimes we simply allow other people's drama to leak into our lives. It's not really that we allow it, but we're just bee bopping along on our happy trail and someone enters our realm of happiness and starts spewing their negative drama all over our pixie dust fairy tail life. Sometimes we just bump right into it, without any sort of a hint that it is present. It can be quite a shock!
I am aware of negative energies around me and I do my best to avoid direct contact, but sometimes its just a head on collision, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I do take deep breaths and attempt to let go of any responsibility for these negative energy sucks! I remind myself to breathe. Breathing is the essence of life. Without the breathing exercises,... it is very possible that I might just explode. Stress is directly related to heart attacks and that is one of the big reasons why I do what I can to avoid stress or deal with stress in a healthy manner.
So, take a moment (go ahead and do this as you read) ,...and take a deep healthy breath,... slowly in through your nose,.... And hold it for a count of one,...then slowly release that breath,...out through your mouth ,....and shut the fuck up! There now don't you feel better? I know I do.
I am aware of negative energies around me and I do my best to avoid direct contact, but sometimes its just a head on collision, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I do take deep breaths and attempt to let go of any responsibility for these negative energy sucks! I remind myself to breathe. Breathing is the essence of life. Without the breathing exercises,... it is very possible that I might just explode. Stress is directly related to heart attacks and that is one of the big reasons why I do what I can to avoid stress or deal with stress in a healthy manner.So, take a moment (go ahead and do this as you read) ,...and take a deep healthy breath,... slowly in through your nose,.... And hold it for a count of one,...then slowly release that breath,...out through your mouth ,....and shut the fuck up! There now don't you feel better? I know I do.
Friday, September 20, 2013
Let them go
Even when you love someone with ALL your heart, you have to let them go. Even if you fear for what may happen to them or to you, when you let them go, you have to just, Let. Them. Go. You'll never know how you will do letting them go, or how they will do because holding on can keep them stuck and can keep you stuck. So, for the sake of setting them free and for the sake of self preservation, Let Them Go!!!
It can be hard I know, but the really cool thing that happens when you let go is you realize you have more time to focus on yourself. Having more time for yourself can be truly amazing and it can be kinda scary, but believe me when you let go of someone that you love it feels really amazing. The burden of making sure they are ok, checking in on them, driving yourself crazy with the impossible task of trying to make sure they are always happy. Sometimes you just have to draw a line in the sand and say I'm done taking care of you. It's your turn! You do it how you want to do it, I'm tired and I wanna take care of me. I deserve the best care I can provide for myself. So, Quit fucking hogging it all up you jack ass!!!! Oops! Did I type that? See? I just got rid of some resentment. I let it go.
Man! That feels good!!!!!
It can be hard I know, but the really cool thing that happens when you let go is you realize you have more time to focus on yourself. Having more time for yourself can be truly amazing and it can be kinda scary, but believe me when you let go of someone that you love it feels really amazing. The burden of making sure they are ok, checking in on them, driving yourself crazy with the impossible task of trying to make sure they are always happy. Sometimes you just have to draw a line in the sand and say I'm done taking care of you. It's your turn! You do it how you want to do it, I'm tired and I wanna take care of me. I deserve the best care I can provide for myself. So, Quit fucking hogging it all up you jack ass!!!! Oops! Did I type that? See? I just got rid of some resentment. I let it go.
Man! That feels good!!!!!
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Civic duty
Well, well, well, what do you know? Here I am at the Washington County courthouse getting the honorable opportunity to serve my civic duty as a juror. I have to admit when I received my summons I tried to defer it, but it was denied. I've deferred it every other time I've been asked to serve. So it was my turn and I was feeling a little bit of stress over it as I didn't know how long it would take and I have dental conference in Vegas in less than a week. Also, my office is currently short staffed, so missing work right now, would be not good. Fortunately, I was called to serve on a Friday.
Why is this fortunate? Two reasons. #1 - My office is closed on Fridays, so no extra stress on me, my boss or my co-workers. Yeah!!! #2 - I learned from the jury coordinator, the lovely Christine, that Fridays are almost always a 1 day hearing. Yippee!!!
An informative video explaining the details of what will happen when you are asked to serve for jury duty was provided. The video was very effective in educating me and changing my attitude towards the experience. As a result, I was a little bit bummed out that I was not selected for the 1st case being tried, but maybe I will be selected for the second case. So, I wait,.... Perfect opportunity to work on my blog!!!!
Well, it turns out that my civic duty was served by driving out to Hillsboro and sitting in the possible juror room for a few hours, drinking some free coffee and then going home. It wasn't bad at all. Christine said more than once, and I'm paraphrasing of course, We appreciate you saying, "Yes" when you were asked to serve jury duty today, we know it can be an inconvenience, but this amazing system of justice would not work if we as officials didn't have a group of willing people such as yourselves to select jurors from, so even if you are not picked, you have served a very important part of the process. We hope this inconvenience can turn into a positive experience for you.
Christine's hope was my reality. I am pleased to report that I will no longer dread jury duty. Well,...at least not until next time,...
Gimme a break! I'm only human.
Why is this fortunate? Two reasons. #1 - My office is closed on Fridays, so no extra stress on me, my boss or my co-workers. Yeah!!! #2 - I learned from the jury coordinator, the lovely Christine, that Fridays are almost always a 1 day hearing. Yippee!!!
An informative video explaining the details of what will happen when you are asked to serve for jury duty was provided. The video was very effective in educating me and changing my attitude towards the experience. As a result, I was a little bit bummed out that I was not selected for the 1st case being tried, but maybe I will be selected for the second case. So, I wait,.... Perfect opportunity to work on my blog!!!!
Well, it turns out that my civic duty was served by driving out to Hillsboro and sitting in the possible juror room for a few hours, drinking some free coffee and then going home. It wasn't bad at all. Christine said more than once, and I'm paraphrasing of course, We appreciate you saying, "Yes" when you were asked to serve jury duty today, we know it can be an inconvenience, but this amazing system of justice would not work if we as officials didn't have a group of willing people such as yourselves to select jurors from, so even if you are not picked, you have served a very important part of the process. We hope this inconvenience can turn into a positive experience for you.
Christine's hope was my reality. I am pleased to report that I will no longer dread jury duty. Well,...at least not until next time,...
Gimme a break! I'm only human.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Did you really just do that?
OMG!!!! Did someone sell you a line of bull shit when you purchased your car that you'd be invisible in there? Well, guess what!!! They seriously LIED! I can totally see you digging your finger knuckle deep up your nose!!!!
WTF??? Now some dumb ass is standing at my desk picking his nose!!! Seriously?!? I can not believe you are standing there, right in front of me, picking your nose! Oh! No! You did NOT just roll that booger between your forefinger and thumb right here in front of me!??!? Did you? Did you just do that??? OMG!!! You did!!!
No! No! No! Just keep that report and go back to your desk and e-mail it to me. After that you maybe should consider doing a Google search regarding personal hygiene and appropriate office etiquette. Just sayin' z'all.
C'mon man!!!
WTF??? Now some dumb ass is standing at my desk picking his nose!!! Seriously?!? I can not believe you are standing there, right in front of me, picking your nose! Oh! No! You did NOT just roll that booger between your forefinger and thumb right here in front of me!??!? Did you? Did you just do that??? OMG!!! You did!!!
No! No! No! Just keep that report and go back to your desk and e-mail it to me. After that you maybe should consider doing a Google search regarding personal hygiene and appropriate office etiquette. Just sayin' z'all.
C'mon man!!!
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
I'm on a highway to hell,...
One day this past weekend Keri and I went to our FAVORITE pizza place, Escape from New York on NW 23rd. Yum! It was a beautiful day, so we decided to sit outside. I was saving a table while Keri went in and ordered. As I was sitting there waiting, I was watching all these cute shoes walking by and I was making mental notes of what type of shoes I liked with different types of outfits. Then all of a sudden I noticed right across the street was a shoe store. That's when it hit me! Oh yeah!!! I need to buy some shoes!
You see, I went shopping for some girl clothes a few weeks ago and I still needed some girl shoes. I'd been meaning to go shoe shopping and here was the perfect opportunity right in front of me. I walked over to the shoe store while Keri finished up. When she came to get me I was trying on a wedge heel with a floral fabric wrap. Yes, the heel was too high and no! I don't have anything to wear with them, but I just wanted to try them on. I looked in the clearance box just for grins because all those shoes were 5 bucks! I couldn't find anything I really wanted. So, I suggested we go to DSW. I asked Keri, Do you want to go to DSW with me? She hesitated. I asked if that felt like a trick question? She glanced over at me out of the corner of her eye very suspiciously and we had a good little laugh. In the end though she decided to go with me.
So we're on our way, headed south on I-5 and that song High way to hell came on the radio. Keri is driving down the highway signing along and I'm starring at her from the passenger seat. All the sudden she stops singing, mid lyric, and looks over at me with a knowing look in her eye. We just bust out laughing. We both knew she believed she truly was on a highway to hell. It was hilarious!!!
Even though this girlie stuff I've been looking into isn't Keri's idea of a good time, I have to admit she has been pretty supportive of me exploring this side of myself. I am grateful to be in a relationship with someone that is supportive of me being true to myself even if it takes her a minute or two to warm up to the idea.
You see, I went shopping for some girl clothes a few weeks ago and I still needed some girl shoes. I'd been meaning to go shoe shopping and here was the perfect opportunity right in front of me. I walked over to the shoe store while Keri finished up. When she came to get me I was trying on a wedge heel with a floral fabric wrap. Yes, the heel was too high and no! I don't have anything to wear with them, but I just wanted to try them on. I looked in the clearance box just for grins because all those shoes were 5 bucks! I couldn't find anything I really wanted. So, I suggested we go to DSW. I asked Keri, Do you want to go to DSW with me? She hesitated. I asked if that felt like a trick question? She glanced over at me out of the corner of her eye very suspiciously and we had a good little laugh. In the end though she decided to go with me.
So we're on our way, headed south on I-5 and that song High way to hell came on the radio. Keri is driving down the highway signing along and I'm starring at her from the passenger seat. All the sudden she stops singing, mid lyric, and looks over at me with a knowing look in her eye. We just bust out laughing. We both knew she believed she truly was on a highway to hell. It was hilarious!!!
Even though this girlie stuff I've been looking into isn't Keri's idea of a good time, I have to admit she has been pretty supportive of me exploring this side of myself. I am grateful to be in a relationship with someone that is supportive of me being true to myself even if it takes her a minute or two to warm up to the idea.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Can I predict the future?
Do I really want to be an inspirational public speaker? Yes!!!
Is being an inspirational public speaker right for my core value? Absolutely, my core value is love and I value the core value in others. I am catalyzed by working toward an inspired vision of what can be by nurturing the core value in others.
Do I believe it is possible for me to become an inspirational speaker? I believe I already am an inspirational speaker!!! Do I believe I can be a traveling inspirational speaker to millions of people? Yes I do.
Do I believe I will be a better person? I am always the best person I can be, but yes, I believe I will be a better person. Do I believe my life will be improved? Yes, yes I do!!! I believe that being an inspirational public speaker is the reason I manifested this human experience. I believe that it is already in motion, so thank you for the guidance to realizing my destiny!!!
Can I visualize it in all aspects? Yes I can! There may be some details that my conscious mind is unaware of, but I know that my subconscious mind has all the answers and I can be, do and have anything my conscious mind can think of.
Do I have complete faith that the Creative Intelligence inside me will assist me with bringing forth my desire to become an inspirational public speaker? Yes!!! I do!!! I believe that Creative Intelligence already has it all worked out and me? Well, I am simply allowing all of that delicious plan to fall perfectly into place.
So, can I predict the future? Nope, but I can create it!!!
Is being an inspirational public speaker right for my core value? Absolutely, my core value is love and I value the core value in others. I am catalyzed by working toward an inspired vision of what can be by nurturing the core value in others.
Do I believe it is possible for me to become an inspirational speaker? I believe I already am an inspirational speaker!!! Do I believe I can be a traveling inspirational speaker to millions of people? Yes I do.
Do I believe I will be a better person? I am always the best person I can be, but yes, I believe I will be a better person. Do I believe my life will be improved? Yes, yes I do!!! I believe that being an inspirational public speaker is the reason I manifested this human experience. I believe that it is already in motion, so thank you for the guidance to realizing my destiny!!!
Can I visualize it in all aspects? Yes I can! There may be some details that my conscious mind is unaware of, but I know that my subconscious mind has all the answers and I can be, do and have anything my conscious mind can think of.
Do I have complete faith that the Creative Intelligence inside me will assist me with bringing forth my desire to become an inspirational public speaker? Yes!!! I do!!! I believe that Creative Intelligence already has it all worked out and me? Well, I am simply allowing all of that delicious plan to fall perfectly into place.
So, can I predict the future? Nope, but I can create it!!!
Friday, September 13, 2013
What the fuck else am I gonna do?
Sitting in silent observation,....
I watch,.....
And I breathe,....
I only have control of my actions,....
my reactions,...
I am good!!!
I watch,.....
And I breathe,....
I only have control of my actions,....
my reactions,...
I am good!!!
Thursday, September 12, 2013
This post brought to you by the love of my parents
Driving in the rain one morning this last week, I had a flash back to my childhood. I remembered riding in the front seat of my moms bad ass white Camaro one rainy day. As we were driving along I was mesmerized by the windshield wipers. I was thinking to my little girl self, that pattern on the windshield left by those wipers looks like a shark fin poking up out of the water. Oh! Wait it could also be the top part of a bassinet,...
I remember liking the bassinet image better because I would pretend there was a baby in that bassinet and the wipers were her parents. As the wipers went back and forth one patent would check on the baby by looking over the back of bassinet and the other parent would then lean forward at the foot of the bassinet and kiss the baby.
Imagine a pretty good pace of the wipers clearing the windshield and little Angel sitting in the front seat chanting to that rhythm, "kiss the baby, check on the baby, kiss the baby, check on the baby".
Image how that early chant of self love shaped who I am today.
All I can say to that is thank you to my mom and dad for kissing this baby and checking on this baby. I love you both very much and your love made that chant possible, which I still chant from time to time when its rainy.
If you are one of many people reading this that can not identify with these feelings of appreciation for the love your parents may or may not have given you, depending on your perception, it is ok to imagine yourself as the baby in the bassinet and chant this to yourself. It is, after all, a chant of self love and I give you permission to use this chant to love and heal yourself.
We have the power. All we have to do is use it.
I remember liking the bassinet image better because I would pretend there was a baby in that bassinet and the wipers were her parents. As the wipers went back and forth one patent would check on the baby by looking over the back of bassinet and the other parent would then lean forward at the foot of the bassinet and kiss the baby.
Imagine a pretty good pace of the wipers clearing the windshield and little Angel sitting in the front seat chanting to that rhythm, "kiss the baby, check on the baby, kiss the baby, check on the baby".
Image how that early chant of self love shaped who I am today.
All I can say to that is thank you to my mom and dad for kissing this baby and checking on this baby. I love you both very much and your love made that chant possible, which I still chant from time to time when its rainy.
If you are one of many people reading this that can not identify with these feelings of appreciation for the love your parents may or may not have given you, depending on your perception, it is ok to imagine yourself as the baby in the bassinet and chant this to yourself. It is, after all, a chant of self love and I give you permission to use this chant to love and heal yourself.
We have the power. All we have to do is use it.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Turn it around
Occasionally I wake up in the night or the very early morning and I can't sleep. When this happens its usually because of reoccurring thoughts of worry or reliving an unpleasant situation from the past. I start scanning the situation in my mind to see if I could have done something better or different.
However, I know that what we think about we bring about, so I quickly turn it around by thinking about something else that brings me to a happier feeling, a more positive place of attraction, because I want to bring about more positive experiences into my future AND in my right now.
Lately, this "turn it around" process has resulted in thinking about my blog because it brings me so much joy. I usually end up writing about the situation and in my mind infusing the situation with an Apozitude.
Also, I know that I didn't like living the unpleasant situation the first time, so why would I waste my precious moments in the here and now reliving it? There is nothing I can do to change a past event. It happened the way it happened for a reason. The only thing I have any control over is myself. My reactions, my choices, my mind-set and I KNOW that I am doing the very best that I can with my current level of awareness.
So, could I have had a better reaction in that past unpleasant situation? Absolutely!!! We can always reflect on how we've handled things in the past and make improvements in ourselves, but remember it's always easier to look back on something and see how it could have been better because the emotion of the situation is gone. Besides, there ain't a damn thing we can do about what we've already done, so get off your pity potty and focus on a better.
Well, that's what I'm going to do. You do what you want!
However, I know that what we think about we bring about, so I quickly turn it around by thinking about something else that brings me to a happier feeling, a more positive place of attraction, because I want to bring about more positive experiences into my future AND in my right now.
Lately, this "turn it around" process has resulted in thinking about my blog because it brings me so much joy. I usually end up writing about the situation and in my mind infusing the situation with an Apozitude.
Also, I know that I didn't like living the unpleasant situation the first time, so why would I waste my precious moments in the here and now reliving it? There is nothing I can do to change a past event. It happened the way it happened for a reason. The only thing I have any control over is myself. My reactions, my choices, my mind-set and I KNOW that I am doing the very best that I can with my current level of awareness.
So, could I have had a better reaction in that past unpleasant situation? Absolutely!!! We can always reflect on how we've handled things in the past and make improvements in ourselves, but remember it's always easier to look back on something and see how it could have been better because the emotion of the situation is gone. Besides, there ain't a damn thing we can do about what we've already done, so get off your pity potty and focus on a better.
Well, that's what I'm going to do. You do what you want!
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Doesn't yours and mine equal ours?
You wanna know a cool little trick that can make a big change in your life?
If you said yes and you are still reading this, I just want to warn you that it sounds too simple to work, but it does!
The trick to making big changes in your life is to figure out a way to change your perspective and then do it!!! It may take a few running starts, but I believe it is worth the leap of faith!
Here, let me give you an example: My partner and I have joint checking and savings accounts and we decided recently that we would get married. We've been together, well it will be 18 years in October, so we kinda figure this phase is going to stick.
Anyway, we started planning our wedding and budgeting, which lead to evaluating our spending,... And we decided to put ourselves on allowance. We have done this before and it always works. So, if it always works, why do we stop? I did say, it may take a few running starts.
The funny thing about our allowance is its the same money we'd be spending if we were just using our debit card, but for some reason when we take our money and turn it into your money and my money we are much more frugal. We actually take cash out of OUR account and divid it into hers and mine. That little change in our shared perspective really changed our spending habits. We eat out less, we go to fewer happy hours, we spend less of OUR money.
This is just one example of how you can change your mind and change your life.
Here's one more quick one, when my alarm goes off in the morning in time for me to work out, I ask myself a "yes answer" question. Such as, do you want to feel fit? And I say to myself, YES! And I hop right out of bed and get ready to work out.
Seriously though, I don't hop out of bed at 4:30am. I'm just as drag ass as anyone else at that hour of the morning, but when I ask myself something I can answer yes to, then I don't have that dreaded argument with myself to do or NOT to do what I want, but don't want. If I focused everyday on how much I didn't want to get up that early and work out, I would rarely do it. So, I changed my mind about it, because I do want to be fit.
Change your mind, change your life. I did warn you that it was going to be simple.
If you said yes and you are still reading this, I just want to warn you that it sounds too simple to work, but it does!
The trick to making big changes in your life is to figure out a way to change your perspective and then do it!!! It may take a few running starts, but I believe it is worth the leap of faith!
Here, let me give you an example: My partner and I have joint checking and savings accounts and we decided recently that we would get married. We've been together, well it will be 18 years in October, so we kinda figure this phase is going to stick.
Anyway, we started planning our wedding and budgeting, which lead to evaluating our spending,... And we decided to put ourselves on allowance. We have done this before and it always works. So, if it always works, why do we stop? I did say, it may take a few running starts.
The funny thing about our allowance is its the same money we'd be spending if we were just using our debit card, but for some reason when we take our money and turn it into your money and my money we are much more frugal. We actually take cash out of OUR account and divid it into hers and mine. That little change in our shared perspective really changed our spending habits. We eat out less, we go to fewer happy hours, we spend less of OUR money.
This is just one example of how you can change your mind and change your life.
Here's one more quick one, when my alarm goes off in the morning in time for me to work out, I ask myself a "yes answer" question. Such as, do you want to feel fit? And I say to myself, YES! And I hop right out of bed and get ready to work out.
Seriously though, I don't hop out of bed at 4:30am. I'm just as drag ass as anyone else at that hour of the morning, but when I ask myself something I can answer yes to, then I don't have that dreaded argument with myself to do or NOT to do what I want, but don't want. If I focused everyday on how much I didn't want to get up that early and work out, I would rarely do it. So, I changed my mind about it, because I do want to be fit.
Change your mind, change your life. I did warn you that it was going to be simple.
Monday, September 9, 2013
The Kindness Game
David Arquette and The Kindness Game, FINALLY!!!! The reason I've been subjected to Howard Stern ALL these years!!!!
I can not tell you how much I have practiced allowing something to be as I have listened to the Stern show over the last 15 or 16 years, but it certainly has been an earnest effort.
My partner for some reason LOVES the show and has for many years. I have been subjected to it all these years and granted there are some interviews and performances that have captured my interest. And besides, what lesbian do you know that would turn down a chance to see naked boobies? As if the boobies weren't enough of a pay off for my efforts, all of a sudden I'm hearing about a really big pay off when I was hearing about the Kindness Game.
This, by the way, is the second time in the last several days that I feel like I won the fuckin' lottery. Towards the end of last week I had this realization that this blog of mine feels like I've won the lottery and it is the FEELING of winning the lottery that just keeps giving. I am multimillion dollar winner, because it just keeps paying off.
I love the feeling of being excited and living on purpose. Right now, my purpose is to infect as many people as I can with an Apozitude and I am so stoked that David Arquette is on board too with his version of Apozitude called The Kindness Game.
I can not tell you how much I have practiced allowing something to be as I have listened to the Stern show over the last 15 or 16 years, but it certainly has been an earnest effort.
My partner for some reason LOVES the show and has for many years. I have been subjected to it all these years and granted there are some interviews and performances that have captured my interest. And besides, what lesbian do you know that would turn down a chance to see naked boobies? As if the boobies weren't enough of a pay off for my efforts, all of a sudden I'm hearing about a really big pay off when I was hearing about the Kindness Game.
This, by the way, is the second time in the last several days that I feel like I won the fuckin' lottery. Towards the end of last week I had this realization that this blog of mine feels like I've won the lottery and it is the FEELING of winning the lottery that just keeps giving. I am multimillion dollar winner, because it just keeps paying off.
I love the feeling of being excited and living on purpose. Right now, my purpose is to infect as many people as I can with an Apozitude and I am so stoked that David Arquette is on board too with his version of Apozitude called The Kindness Game.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Get this rock off my chest
When I talk about my feelings of resistance it's kinda scary, because I feel very vulnerable. I always wonder, How is this going to come across? Will I be able to clearly convey my feelings? Will I be able to stay focused? I have lost myself in other people's feelings. In the past I have always wanted to make sure everyone's feelings are being considered. So I wonder, is it going to be worth the possibility of upsetting someone else?
The indecision feels like this heavy rock laying on my chest, but when I don't talk about those feelings that heavy rock stays with me. I am forcing myself to carry around this heavy burden that weighs on me and wares me out. I can not give myself or anyone else the best of me when I hang on to feelings of resistance.
I think the best of me is light, airy and fun and a big heavy rock does not sound or feel light, airy and fun.
I love myself and I allow myself to be free and happy. I love my family and my friends and they deserve to get the best of me. The me that is happy and free.
It is my vow first to myself and then to my loved ones that I will talk about my feelings of resistance.
I am learning that it feels so much better to cast away the heavy burden of worrying about how it's going to sound or what will happen. I love learning about myself and growing.
The indecision feels like this heavy rock laying on my chest, but when I don't talk about those feelings that heavy rock stays with me. I am forcing myself to carry around this heavy burden that weighs on me and wares me out. I can not give myself or anyone else the best of me when I hang on to feelings of resistance.
I think the best of me is light, airy and fun and a big heavy rock does not sound or feel light, airy and fun.
I love myself and I allow myself to be free and happy. I love my family and my friends and they deserve to get the best of me. The me that is happy and free.
It is my vow first to myself and then to my loved ones that I will talk about my feelings of resistance.
I am learning that it feels so much better to cast away the heavy burden of worrying about how it's going to sound or what will happen. I love learning about myself and growing.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
There is NO app for that
I'm not really sure where to start on this one. I guess the basis for all these posts, so far have been honesty, with a splash of sarcasm and bit of growth and love. All from the only perspective I can offer, mine.
I had myself a little bit of a cry a couple weekends ago. I was sitting in my chair sipping my coffee from a mug I made for myself that has pictures on it of Keri, Garrison and I.
The one in particular that got my tears rolling that morning was the sweet little picture of Garrison and I when we first moved to Oregon in '99. He was 8 and my hair style was from the 80's. Awful!!!
The really sweet part of the picture was how it captured a moment when Garrison was snuggled in real close to me as we hugged and had our picture taken. While I was peering down at that sweet picture of Garrison's little face, a Bread album was playing on our record player. The lyric, I would give anything I own just to have you back again, was bellowing out. These little tears came rolling down my checks as some feelings of sadness stirred in me. I miss that closeness we used to have, that sweet little love a mother shares with her little children. The tenderness and loveiness.
Don't get me wrong though I have no doubt that he loves me and I am certain he knows I love him. The majority of the time I feel like I have handled his growing up and moving away very well.
It is challenging though. I have to work at it. I do think about him every day and I want to post comments on every single thing I see him post on Facebook, but I don't.
Why? Why you ask me! Because I want him to be free to be his own person. I want him to be free to express himself in his way without having his mom comment on every little thing he posts. Right now though, his posts are all I know about him other than the stuff I KNOW about him. He is out there in the world trying to figure out his own shit. He knows where to find me if he needs me.
Is this the right thing to do? I have no idea. He didn't come with a manual and there is no app for that. So, I'm just doing the best I can with my current level of awareness and giving him what I think I would want, and that is space to be and unconditional love.
I had myself a little bit of a cry a couple weekends ago. I was sitting in my chair sipping my coffee from a mug I made for myself that has pictures on it of Keri, Garrison and I.
The one in particular that got my tears rolling that morning was the sweet little picture of Garrison and I when we first moved to Oregon in '99. He was 8 and my hair style was from the 80's. Awful!!!
The really sweet part of the picture was how it captured a moment when Garrison was snuggled in real close to me as we hugged and had our picture taken. While I was peering down at that sweet picture of Garrison's little face, a Bread album was playing on our record player. The lyric, I would give anything I own just to have you back again, was bellowing out. These little tears came rolling down my checks as some feelings of sadness stirred in me. I miss that closeness we used to have, that sweet little love a mother shares with her little children. The tenderness and loveiness.
Don't get me wrong though I have no doubt that he loves me and I am certain he knows I love him. The majority of the time I feel like I have handled his growing up and moving away very well.
It is challenging though. I have to work at it. I do think about him every day and I want to post comments on every single thing I see him post on Facebook, but I don't.
Why? Why you ask me! Because I want him to be free to be his own person. I want him to be free to express himself in his way without having his mom comment on every little thing he posts. Right now though, his posts are all I know about him other than the stuff I KNOW about him. He is out there in the world trying to figure out his own shit. He knows where to find me if he needs me.
Is this the right thing to do? I have no idea. He didn't come with a manual and there is no app for that. So, I'm just doing the best I can with my current level of awareness and giving him what I think I would want, and that is space to be and unconditional love.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Expand my awareness
It is my intention to give my attention to conversation and open my mind to the idea that everyone I come in contact with has something to offer that will expand my awareness. I also intend to be true to myself and honor what I am guided to do in the interest of my highest good. When it feels right, I will listen and when it feels right to turn within I will honor that method of listening as well. I intend to be true to myself. Period. When I am true, really true to myself is when I have the best of myself to offer to others.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Too busy having fun
Ok, so let me get this straight,....you are pissed off at me and holding a grudge against me because I won't allow YOU to treat ME like shit?
Wait a minute,... Oh yeah, that's right! I'm too busy being happy and having fun to care about your problem.
So, just stay over there in your grumpy mood and I'll be over here having a good'ole time.
Wait a minute,... Oh yeah, that's right! I'm too busy being happy and having fun to care about your problem.
So, just stay over there in your grumpy mood and I'll be over here having a good'ole time.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Staring myself right in the eyeball
If a purple coat and red jeans make you happy, then by god wear a purple coat and red jeans. No, I don't want a purple coat or red jeans, well, maybe red jeans, but it's an example of doing what you want to do regardless of what anyone else thinks.
I'm not talking about being disrespectful and throwing your hands up in the air as if to say, "Fuck it!!! I'm doing what I want and I don't care what anyone else thinks". I'm talking about being true to yourself and standing up for your own happiness. No one can MAKE you happy or MAKE you unhappy. If you think someone is making you unhappy it is simply because you are allowing them to do so. I have always loved the saying, "the circumstances of your life exist because you allow them to." And that, actually is a lie, I haven't ALWAYS loved that saying!
When I first heard it, I really hated it, because when I thought I was pointing my finger of blame at someone else all of the sudden the veil of illusion was lifted. When I looked back over at the person I thought I was blaming there was a fucking mirror and I was staring myself right in the eyeballs. I realized I am responsible for myself and my happiness. I could no longer allow myself to play that blame game.
Sometimes it sorta' feels like it would just be easier to blame someone else, right? What can I do? I don't have any control over how that person acts, I blame them for my unhappiness. Rather than taking responsibility and standing up for my own happiness, but,....
The wonderfully awesome thing about it though, is that realizing the circumstances of my life exist because I allow them to, ultimately gives me a tremendous amount of power.
And nothing says power like a damn hot pair of red skinny jeans or whatever the hell else I want!
I'm not talking about being disrespectful and throwing your hands up in the air as if to say, "Fuck it!!! I'm doing what I want and I don't care what anyone else thinks". I'm talking about being true to yourself and standing up for your own happiness. No one can MAKE you happy or MAKE you unhappy. If you think someone is making you unhappy it is simply because you are allowing them to do so. I have always loved the saying, "the circumstances of your life exist because you allow them to." And that, actually is a lie, I haven't ALWAYS loved that saying!
When I first heard it, I really hated it, because when I thought I was pointing my finger of blame at someone else all of the sudden the veil of illusion was lifted. When I looked back over at the person I thought I was blaming there was a fucking mirror and I was staring myself right in the eyeballs. I realized I am responsible for myself and my happiness. I could no longer allow myself to play that blame game.
Sometimes it sorta' feels like it would just be easier to blame someone else, right? What can I do? I don't have any control over how that person acts, I blame them for my unhappiness. Rather than taking responsibility and standing up for my own happiness, but,....
The wonderfully awesome thing about it though, is that realizing the circumstances of my life exist because I allow them to, ultimately gives me a tremendous amount of power.
And nothing says power like a damn hot pair of red skinny jeans or whatever the hell else I want!
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