What was my point???

All that we let in, by the Indigo Girls is a very soothing song to me. I don't always get all the political references, because I don't follow politics per se. It is a little bit scary for me to admit that because it seems that most people feel we should be paying close attention to what is going on in the world. I am more concerned with what is going on in me. I can only change the world one person at a time and that one person is me.

I just went to CCN.com to reference some political stuff that I don't really know about to prove a point about the news and politics and how it makes me feel and true to form, the point of this blog has totally changed as I was writing.

I will, hopefully, get back to the original point, but I think it's important to follow the flow of energy. I was going to write about how the only control I have is of myself, but that is not even the very original thought when I led in with the Indigo Girls song, but like I said before, hopefully I will get back to that original thought.

My daily goal is to feel good, to be happy and to feel love. In the past, I have found that listening to or reading the news hasn't really served my daily goal. So, I went to the damn CNN to gather supporting information and much to my surprise found a story about a Boy Scout leader in Utah. This man took his son, a Boy Scout, down to bear witness of marriage and arrived to find hundreds of people, gay people, waiting in long lines to get married because of the awesome action that the Judge Robert J. Shelby took to strike down the law that denies same sex couples the right to be married. What an amazing thing to be surprised by. The courthouse clerks worked through their lunches to get as many couples married as they could and the Boy Scout leader went down to the closest pizza place and brought back 10 pizzas to feed the employees and the gay couples that had been waiting for so long to get married.

And I'll be damned if it don't admit, reading that particular news story did make me feel good. I got cold chills running up and down my arms and legs. So, it seems rather than proving my point that reading the news doesn't serve my daily goal to feel good, instead I was able to prove my original point, that we ARE better off for all that we let in. Wow! I am all over the place.

Inspiration is everywhere.

To judge or share, which is it?

What's the difference between passing judgement and sharing my opinion? Excellent question my friend! I don't really know the answer to that question, that is why I am asking. Let's look into it a little bit.

I just googled "pass judgement" and the free dictionary online defined it as forming a critical opinion. Personally, the word critical has a negative connotation. So, I guess if you are sharing an opinion that is critical of another then it crosses the line of being judgmental. Just for shits and giggles I requested a definition for critical, because I was wondering if it could be a positive thing. When I looked a little further into the definition I found it also means having decisive or crucial importance in the success or failure of something. That sounds like a positive thing, because I choose to focus on the positive and I hear success. This triggers a memory for me about working in a dental lab. I'll write more on that later, because I really want to continue investigating the difference between passing judgment and sharing my opinion.

After reading several articles and quotes on sharing my opinion it seems far less important to differentiate between sharing an opinion and being judgmental. It seems to be of a much greater importance to focus on allowing others to be. It must be true because I keep finding myself standing right I front of the same realization time after time.

Passing judgment on others does not make me feel better and sharing my opinion,...well, what the hell difference does it make? I have my opinion and you have yours. Does sharing my opinion with you change your opinion? Maybe,...sometimes, but really only if you are open to it. There really is no sense in arguing, unless one of us is open to and willing to change. I am open to having a conversation, but I don't want to argue. For the sake of this blog and my original question, I believe I have come to the conclusion that sharing an opinion can be beneficial as long as both parties are open to a conversation and passing judgment depends on the intention of the person passing the judgment. Is it well intended? Is it of crucial importance in aiding to the success of an endeavor of another? Is the other person open to hearing? Are you willing to share in an effort to help someone out? Are you open to them not giving a shit about your opinion? Are you open to the idea that they might love your idea, but aren't willing to do anything to improve their behavior?

If you find your self feeling negative feelings while observing something that you are not willing to work out and want to LET GO of the negative feelings, simply start now.

Let it go and start now.

Grappling? Let it go.

Have you ever been holding on to an idea or a possibility in your mind that just kept replaying over and over that didn't really make you feel very good? A "what if" situation,... I don't like to "what if" negative situations. It feels much better to me to think about "what if" situations that make me feel good. What if Apozitude gets selected to become a published book, what if my Apozitude book goes to the New York best sellers list, what if the interest in Apozitude generates an interest in the children's story that I wrote, there are so many fun things to what if.

To be real honest with you though, I don't just "what if" these things, I actually walk through scenarios in my mind. I get a letter in the mail inviting me to start the process of turning this blog into a book, I sit in a publishers office and discuss the details, I mention my children's story and the potential for a series, I go to book signings. In my mind it is already happening!!!! It is very exciting!

However, if you aren't in the habit of placing yourself in positive "what if" situations, it can seem a little simple minded and silly, but I don't really care how it seems, ya know? It makes me feel good and that is important to me. So, I do it.

I'm not saying that I don't struggle with worry or fear and that my life is always happy sunshine and rainbows. No, I'm not. I grapple with my own set of hang ups, but I don't let it ruin my whole day. I may have to ponder it for a bit, let it go and get happy and then pick it up again and ponder it some more, but I do always end on happy.

So, I have my tricks and my tools at the ready for quick access. One of these tricks about letting go of something that keeps coming up and keeps you tethered to a negative feeling is to actually write it down on piece of paper. Put all of the energy that you have in your body and in your mind about that negative feeling or situation into the writing or just mentally onto that piece of paper, which ever feels more powerful. It can get ugly sometimes, but just mentally vomit it all up and put it on the paper. It's ok to get emotional, it can be part of the process. Then once you have it all on the piece of paper, pick it up and wad it into a ball and hold it in the palm of your hand. Take a deep breath and look at that wad of paper in your open hand and know that there is no wrong way to to this. You can do it as many times as you need to, but look at that piece of paper with all that negative energy balled up into a piece of trash sitting there in the palm of your hand, then turn your hand over and let it go. It feels so good to let all of that energy go, you might be tempted to pick it up and do it again.

Like I said before there is no wrong way to do this, so if you want to pick up all that negativity again just to feel the joy of letting it go, go for it! Nobody is watching and this is your process. There is no judgement here. Please remember though, you could enjoy the moment of peace you just created for yourself. Something else will come along that will provide another opportunity to practice this exercise and you just got happy, so let's end on happy. Whadaya' say?

She doesn't want sushi

Relationships can be challenging. Why is it so challenging sometimes? Well because no matter how much you love someone, you don't share the same ideas and concepts about every single thing. Therefore, when one of you truly values something and it doesn't really matter to the other person, conflict develops. I really love Japanese food and Keri, not so much. This is a pretty simple example, but you can see how a conflict might arise if every time we set out to go eat somewhere and Keri said where do you want to eat and I always said sushi. She would get frustrated because she doesn't want to eat sushi.

So, we compromise, but there are way more challenging subjects, such as how we relate to others outside of our relationship. Keri might view something one way and I have a totally different view. So, dealing with that subject creates a conflict and it may not really matter to Keri, but it does matter to me and Keri saying, it doesn't really matter, feels like she doesn't care about what is important to me. But I know that is not the case, what really is going on is she simply chose a way of wording something that wasn't really what she intended, but I wanted to clarify what she really intended because it matters to me how she relates to the other relationship because it ultimately could affect our relationship. It was way more simple than that for her, but that is part of being in a relationship, navigating social situations, working out differences, coming to agreeable terms of operation, how we share the responsibilities of the household, working together to get through this crazy thing we call life and with a smile on each of our faces. It is important to be able to discuss things, even uncomfortable things, otherwise how can we work together towards a shared loving happiness?

Happy holidays!!!

Happy holidays to everyone celebrating and observing these events in the month of December: Hanukkah, Winter Solstice, Christmas, Boxing Day and Kwanzaa

Of mice and...

In Seattle, walking from the Elysian brewery on our way to a bookstore, I stepped out into the street and I looked down for sure footing and that is when I saw a dead mouse. Mice are so cute,...when they're alive. Cute little bundle of fur with their pink noses and oil spots for eyes. My heart sank as I said aloud to Keri, Oh is that a dead mouse? I could see his tail. I leaned in for a closer look.

Why? Why did I lean in for a closer look? I don't know! I just did. As my eyes refocused from the lean in, I realized I was not grieving for a cute little mouse.

OH MY GOD!!!! Is that a USED tampon?

WHY? Why is there a used tampon in the middle of the street? How did that get there? What the hell is going on? That was not a mouse's tail!!!

Emerald city my ass!!!!

7 second delay

Have you ever known someone with a condition called "no 7 second delay"? If you are not familiar with this condition, let me share a little story with you. I'd like to raise awareness on this, not so rare, but not well known, condition.

Keri and I went with a friend to the apple store over the weekend and we were talking about laptops, iPads, and Apple TV. Our friend was explaining how easy it was to get the Apple TV up and running. He explained the only challenge might be knowing what HDMI port to use on the back of our TV and Keri responds, "Angel is pretty good with that kind of thing, believe it or not". Our friend and I looked at her in a little bit of shock. I believe my reactions were warranted. I responded with a finger gesture accompanied with the actual words, "Well, fuck you" and a big'ol jokey smile.

We all had a pretty good laugh about it and we were teasing Keri quite a bit. We were saying things like, she ain't good for much, but she's pretty good at wiring, she's so dumb, she can't even get out of her own way. It got pretty deep and convoluted. We quickly fabricated a hillbilly couple named, Hank and Tricia (short for Patricia Sue). Tricia don't even have the sense in come in out of a hail storm, but she is a wiz with them fancy Christmas lights. It was hilarious.

See, if Keri were equipped with a 7 second delay, she might have thought twice about the way she was trying to say, Angel is so artsy and creative, it is surprising that she is technically inclined. Which is what my sweet loving wife was intending to say, but without the benefit of the 7 second delay she just popped out a kinda rude sounding put down.

Luckily, I know her well and I am used to her missing the 7 second delay, but one could see how it could be harmful to a relationship and that is why I am writing this blog, to raise awareness. Even 7 second delay deprived people need love and understanding. They can't help it that they were born with out this crucial coping skill. Spread the word and the love.

Happiness is worth the risk

A relationship is the state of being connected to another. I have found that the concept of a relationship is starkly different for some than it is for me. I actually know people that are in relationships with people that they claim to loathe. I just can not imagine living my life with someone that I didn't love and in fact, kinda hated. It is so sad. I have been in a relationship or two that really really sucked. It was not fun at all!!!! Life is too short to live "comfortably miserable". I want to be happy. I want to have fun. I want to enjoy my life. I only have one. This is it!!!! I feel like I am getting to a place in my life where I don't want to do anything that I don't want to do.

I think it has something to do with the concept of living aware. I am not sure how I came by this concept, it seems I have always been driven to make improvements in my personal life and in my self. I remember someone once commented to me in my early twenties how surprised they were at my willingness to turn over every rock in an effort to find something better for myself. I am in no way shape or form making a statement of superiority, at least it doesn't feel that way to me, although I can understand how it could be perceived as such. I just want to be happy and I have committed to myself to continue on this journey of being true to me and my ever changing ways.

I love growing and feeling ALIVE!!!!!

It has definitely been a work in progress. I am constantly reading self help books and books about communication and understanding other people in their motives. I have a great deal of growth ahead of me, but I do feel like I am growing. It seems like I am always saying I am truer to myself now than I used to be, but it is always true. I wonder if there is ever a point when one is truly self actualized? Maybe in the spiritual realm,....

Anyway, regarding relationships, even with yourself, be honest about what you want and DO NOT SETTLE! Life is for living, loving and laughing. It is all there for you to have. All you have to do is reach for something that feels better, hold on to that feeling of better and attract more of the better feeling things and grow, grow, grow, and just keep on growing!!! It feels amazing to live, love and laugh!

Happiness is worth the risk!

Two tarts

Keri and I went to Two Tarts bakery a couple weekends ago and I started to write about something funny that happened and it turned into something else, but I didn't want to miss out on sharing the original story, so here it is.

So, as I mentioned before they give you 13 cookies when you order a dozen (I think that is awesome) and we had picked out the ones we wanted and it was time for them to ask if we wanted a ribbon tied around the box. Before the cookie clerk could even utter the words, I asked what other colors of ribbon were available. They precut a bunch off one spool and have it handy, right by the cookie case. Not to say that the ribbon that was available was ugly, in fact I really liked it, I just wanted to know what the options were.

The cookie clerk was over by the ribbon holding out some options and I concluded that the pretty pink one that was precut was perfect. I said thank you, but this one here is just fine, in fact, pink is my favorite color.

The clerk gave me a quick once over and said, I wouldn't have guessed that, because you're not wearing ANY pink. I reached in my pocket and showed her my pink phone case, See? She replied, yes, I guess if you're willing to commit to a pink phone case, you must like pink. I said, Yeah, I'm going through a transition.

She paused awkwardly and said, Oh,...I see.

Keri quickly chimed in, Yeah, she used to be a dude!

We just busted out laughing!!! The cookie clerk said, Well I have known quite a few people in transition that are way prettier than me. I quickly corrected Keri with a smile and said, No, I'm just transitioning into being more girlie. Cookie clerk laughed along with us. It was funny.

Bueller's Pink Breakfast Candles

A funny thing I am learning as I get older is that I have always been sitting at the table with the cool kids, which is pretty damn cool for a big'ol dork like me. Another funny thing that I am realizing is that the kids at that other table that always seemed to be the cool kids, they are dorks too.

I used to always tell my son as he was going through school, Don't worry son, everybody is weird to somebody. Which is true and how could it ever be any different, because we are all raised by different people with different ideas, so anything other than what you were raised with is going to seem weird. Therefore, everybody is weird to somebody.

I used to say, I embrace my inner dork, but for a long time now I've been touting the concept of letting your freak flag fly. I love my dorky self and I feel like being my true dorky self makes me pretty damn cool. I love all my dorky friends.

This feels very John Hughes, doesn't it?

Truth will set you free

Ya know that saying, the truth hurts sometimes,... Well, there's a reason that saying exists and the reason, ironically, is because it's the truth. Not only can a truthful statement be painful to the person hearing the truth, but it can be painful to the person delivering that truthful statement. The last thing I ever want to do is to hurt someone's feelings and I guess since I'm writing about honesty, the truth is, hurting someone else's feelings is the second to the last thing I ever want to do. The very last thing I want to do is hurt myself. I feel that holding on to a reality that is based on something false is torturous. It feels restrictive and binding.

I struggle with the method of delivery when approaching the subject of being honest, because I want to be honest, but I don't want to hurt someone's feelings, so that creates an inner conflict. My guess is that everyone struggles with this situation. I think I'm getting better, but I have been told, on occasion, that I can brutally honest and I am not crazy about the brutal portion of that description, but I get it. See the truth hurts,...

I am working on being honest with myself and being my authentic self. I am also learning to be honest with others and develop a bit more finesse. I'll be honest with you and admit I still need some more practice.

Another saying about honesty is that it's the best policy and I tend to lean towards this policy. It seems to me that when I've shared my honest feelings, though it is challenging, it feels so much better when the sharing is done. I feel it sets me free. Who doesn't want more freedom? Be honest,...

This is the end,...

This is officially the last blog that I will type on my phone. I am so excited to be getting a new laptop. The one we have now is slower than dial up and it just sits on the table looking at us with it's tongue sticking out as if to say, sure, go ahead just try to look something up. I dare you!

Well guess what, Lenovo, circa 2006 we are freeing up you future to taunt someone else, because we are tired of you not performing to our expectations.

So, yes, this is the end. The end of messing around with a computer that doesn't work. This is the end of typing a blog on my phone. The end of not being able to link stuff to my blog. Yippee!!!!

This is your life,...in a power ballad

Really?!? Now, I've been waiting for a girl like you, by Foreigner? What is this anyway? ANGEL ZAMUDIO!!! THIS. Is YOUR, tortured teenage gay, LIFE!!!

I've been waiting for a girl like you in 1981, was the theme song for my poor pathetic gay self. It was awful! It really was. I may have been a slight bit delusional. I had this idea when I was in the fifth grade, so, what, about 10? I guess. The idea was that I would disguise myself as Billy. Isn't that what we decided to call him? From my previous post, What harm could love do? Billy and Cindy? Yes! That's right! Ok, so I disguised myself as Billy. AND!!! I also made a robot of myself! See? Smart!!!

This way Cindy would think she was crushing on Billy, but it was actually me AND there was a robot of me, so all basis were covered. How fucked up is that? What happened to the real Billy in that scenario? I don't know!!! I didn't actually do it! That was just the 10 year old Angel's way of working out the kinks.

Anyway, I did finally get the girl I've been waiting for and it beats the hell out of pretending to be some jack ass named Billy, or whatever the hell his name was.

I get a little emotional sometimes

Yes, it's true, I tend to cry when I am feeling confused, happy, sad, mad, proud and probably a bunch of other things too. If you doubt it, just ask my very patient empathetic wife.

Since I've been on this "girl journey" it seems to have intensified. I'm not sure if it's because I'm opening myself up to things that I've kept shut down for so many years or if I am going through some pre menopause symptoms. Shit!!!! I may be going through menopause!! Oh damn!!! I haven't given a great deal of thought to that portion of the girl journey. Who the hell knows?

What I do know is that Keri has been very supportive and has stood by my side through this whole emotional roller coaster that I have been on and subsequently have dragged her along with me. She met the height requirement and she was standing right there with me. Poor Keri, she just didn't know what kind of roller coaster she was about to board, but she jumped on and she jumped on with me. I love her for that!!! Yes, I'm crying.

The truth of the matter is the last year and a half or so, has been full of life changing events. Some have been, blow my mind, amazing and some are still in transition, on their way to being alright or even amazing.

One of the these life changing events was in August 2012, when Keri's mother passed away and to be completely honest with you, it really crushed me. For so many years I yearned for a relationship with her and for reasons that I do not completely understand, it just wasn't in the cards.

But there was a moment in the hospital when Keri and her sister were called out into the hall to speak with the doctor and I was left alone with their mom. It felt so strange and surreal to be standing there, sharing space with this woman that I wanted a relationship with so badly and was never given the chance. I took a moment and spoke to her with my open heart. I told her that I loved her daughter very much and I wished that she and I could have had a chance to share the experience of loving Keri together. I told her that I wanted her to feel peace and that if she was suffering that it was ok to let go. What I really wanted was for her to open her eyes and wrap her arms around me in a loving embrace, but more than that I wanted her to feel peace. It still makes me cry, but I am very grateful to have shared that moment with her.

It's very difficult to write about, so I believe I will leave it at this, feelings of love, for me, go beyond understanding why someone makes the choices they make. Choices are very personal and we can never really understand why someone else does what they do, but that doesn't mean feelings of love have to cease to exist. If understanding each other were required to feel love, would any of us love any other one of us? I don't understand most of the things people choose, but it doesn't stop my love.

You don't have to get me or understand where I'm coming from because this perspective is mine and mine alone, but I love Keri's mom. I wasn't crazy about some of her choices, but I'm sure she wasn't crazy about some of mine either. However, my wife would not be the wonderful beautifully sarcastic love of my life, if her childhood were not shaped the way it was by the loving hands of her mother.

What else could these lyrics mean?

Disco lady by Johnnie Taylor, 1976
I Feel love by Donna Summer, 1977

With songs like these filling my ears as a child it is my humble opinion that it would be virtually impossible to grow up and NOT have a dirty mind. These are only two examples! There are hundreds of songs that poured all kinds of sexual images into my sponge of a young mind.

Keep in mind I was born in 1969, so in 76 and 77 I was pretty little and somehow I was keen on the lyrics of Johnnie Taylor's above mentioned song. Disco lady. Shake it up, shake it down, move it in, move it around,...who doesn't know he singing about fuckin'? Right?

I'm just sayin' this exposure to R&B music of the mid 70's may be the root and I don't, for the record, think that having a dirty mind is a bad thing. I think it's for the sake of fun and isn't that what life is all about anyway?

Wait a minute,...

There are so many things you can say that sound like you are saying the exact same thing, yet they are completely different. For example, let's say you have dental insurance and they tell you your policy covers cleanings every 6 months. You get off the phone thinking, Ok, perfect I get 2 cleanings per year. You schedule your appointment, get your teeth cleaned and walk out feeling all Jim dandy because your insurance is going to "cover it". AND THEN you get a bill because your insurance DIDN'T cover it!!! You're thinking what the hell, I called and checked on this.

However, a cleaning every 6months is very different than 2 cleanings in a year. You see? It sounds the same, but it is not.

The same goes when you are having a conversation with someone that is experiencing a challenging situation in their life. You are listening, listening, listening and listening some more. You can tell they are all into this challenge because they are not able to emotionally detach. You try to interject some tips on letting go of what is creating the challenge in their life and they respond with, "I know", repeatedly. When really a more appropriate answer would be, "I hear what you're saying", because if they actually did "know" about letting go, they wouldn't be challenged by the situation in which they are so emphatically speaking.

This may seem like a harsh judgement on my part, but really what it is, is raised awareness. It is an attempt on my part to practice letting go. It definitely is a process and it always will be. As long as we are humans, we will have challenges and opportunities to practice letting go. Our human selves have this mind function called ego that is about controlling, getting approval and judgement.

Once we let go of trying to control and just allow people and situations to simply be, our stress level drops dramatically.

Once we let go of trying to get approval and just allow ourselves to be our authentic selves, our stress level drops dramatically.

Once we let go of judging others and allow them to be their authentic selves we can provide ourselves with on opportunity to be our authentic selves without fear of judgement.

Whew! I feel better already! That sounds like such a sense of relief. I vow to myself to live at a raised sense of awareness and because of that I allow you to be your authentic self, whatever that means to you is none of my business.

Knowing something and living something are very different things.

Warning! Don't ruffle my feathers!!

A few weeks ago we had a little fun adventure trekking up to Seattle to get married. It was easily one of the best weekends of my life. We spent a few days up there and the day after our wedding we were checking out some shops and walking around. We had Waffles, our golden retriever, with us. Yes, he went too. He really wanted to go.

After we ate lunch, we decided to go over to Volunteer park and walk around a bit. We discovered a pretty cool cemetery right next to the park, so we walked around to the entrance. Lake view cemetery, hmmm. Let's check it out.

I'm not sure why we end up in cemeteries so often, I guess because it is kinda cool to read the tombstones and think about the lives of people from hundreds of years ago. We always walk around in a very respectful manner and Waffles, if you don't know him, is the best behaved dog ever!!! I may be a little biased. Maybe,...a little bit,...not really. He really is the best!

Don't get me started on how awesome my dog is,....but you could check out his Facebook page if you are doubting his awesomeness. (Waffles Bear) Really!! I'm not kidding,..

Anyway,... I digress, we were just walking along, the three of us, minding our own business, and I mean literally, Waffles was taking care of business and Keri was tending to his business, when this vagrant looking woman starts yelling and pointing at us.

She yells, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR DAMN DOG OUT OF HERE AND QUIT LETTING HIM SHIT ON PEOPLE'S GRAVES? THERE'S A SIGN POSTED, NO DOGS ALLOWED!!!

#1 He wasn't doing that, (well he was pooping, but not on someone's grave, we have more respect than that)

#2 Keri acknowledged her and quite calmly I might add. Keri said and I quote, Your opinion has be heard, thank you

#3 we, actually, did NOT see the sign

Then the butt-in-ski woman yells back at Keri, YEAH RIGHT!!! WHY DON'T YOU AND YOUR DAMN DOG LEAVE AND TAKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND WITH YOU!!!

Honestly, I am usually looking away and trying to be as small as possible when words start flying around, but this time, it was like a switch went off in me and I started walking towards her at a quick pace with my index finger waving in the air, Excuse me!!! Excuse me!!! I'll have you know that SHE is my WIFE!!! And I don't appreciate your,...rude,... comments!!!

It was way more bad ass in my mind,...

As I was approaching her, she was walking away and yelling back at me that she was going to call the cops. Keri got my attention, Angel! Angel! Let it go!

Whew!!! That pissed me off! She could have approached us in a reasonable manner and said politely, excuse me, maybe you didn't see it, but there is a sign posted at the entrance indicating there are no dogs allowed.

We are reasonable people we would have thanked her and made our way to the exit!! But I don't really think her intention was to create a solution or come to a resolution. Clearly, someone pissed in her Post Toasties and she was set on paying it forward!!!

It was a feather ruffling experience for sure and Keri and I were talking it out and attempting to calm each other down. We decided we weren't going to let some random aggressive stranger ruin our wedding weekend and we agreed we would let it go. Although, it did feel pretty amazing to me, to step up and defend my wife. I keep wondering if it was some kind of spousal instinct that kicked in after the I do's.

A little while later and after a bit of reflection Keri says, I just thought of the perfect response. I could have said, isn't it almost 4o'clock, you'd better hurry up, I hear the shelters fill up quick! She claimed she was going to put that in her arsenal for future use. Curious about this arsenal of hers, I asked, What else you got in that arsenal of yours?
She turned and looked at me with the cutest little dead pan look ever and said, That's it so far.

We had a pretty good laugh. That's right!!! We are pretty tough! So just watch it!!! Don't mess with us because we will lash back with our 1 weapon arsenal and tell you how much we don't appreciate your disrespect!!!!

So look out!!!!

It will be fun Damn it!!!

Is this a generalization or do all girls enjoy "Girls night out"? It seems kinda silly now that I actually said it out loud. Of course not all girls enjoy, "Girls night out"!!!

I'm a girl and Keri is a girl. So, according to Keri, every time we go out, we are "technically" having a "girls night out". Therefore, Keri being, not quite as social as I am, would be satisfied with our current technical definition of girls night out. However, my idea of girls night out, involves at least one of the following: dancing, singing, adult beverages, a group of girls.

So, I find myself at a cross roads,... continue with the girls night out that Keri has been planning, which I do always enjoy, don't get me wrong, or step outside of my comfort zone and organize my own version of girls night out.

I can see a little cloud of confusion hanging out over your heads right about now. Why would I be uncomfortable planning a girls night out if that is what I want? Well, because "planning" girls night out is not what I want to do, ya see? What I want is to go out for girls night out, not plan girls night out. See the difference???

This is part of what makes my relationship with Keri so magical, she likes to plan and I like to attend. Only problem is Keri is not going to plan the kind of girls night out that I'm talking about, remember?

So, I will have to plan
it myself. I don't know why planning gives me such anxiety? That's not true, I do know. Ok, here it goes,...I get anxious because I'm afraid I'll piss someone off, some how. I know it's an irrational fear, actually, I am just saying that, I don't REALLY know that!!! The fear seems pretty real to me. It does sound good to call it irrational though, doesn't it?

Planning involves energy, research, pitching a stream of ideas, that people could reject, hoping that everything will work out for a fun time to be had by all and the more people you include the higher the chance that one of those people won't be satisfied. Big heavy sigh!!!!

I just need to do it and get over the fear. I wanna go dancing. I wanna go singing. I wanna go have drinks!!! I wanna have fun, laugh and play. Who wants to plan it for me? Haha!!! Just kidding, I am not a planner, I am an attendee. I can be a damn good co-host though,... Wink wink

Fuck it! I AM A PARTY PLANNER!!!! I am planning it and it will be fun!

You will have fun damn it!!!

Acceptance sets you free

I choose to allow you to be whatever you need to be in this moment, because when I resist what you are choosing to be, it disconnects my compressor and drains energy from me to fuel the happiness in myself. So, you just go right ahead and do what you feel is best for you and I will do the same.

Love light and happiness

WHAM!!!

OMG!!!! Careless Whisper???

I am sort of,...no! I mean, REALLY embarrassed to actually admit this, but, (deep breath),... Ok,... another deep breath,... I, Angel Zamudio, actually sang this song,..to a boy,...in high school. OMG!!!! Did I actually just admit that? OMG!!! I did!!!

It's ok! It's ok! Sigh!!! No! It's not OK! That is not cool!!! Not cool at all!

FUCK!!!!!!!

Wait! Wait one fuckin' minute! Don't you dare judge me! (Hey, psst! You! The reader, I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to my proverbial self, so don't get pissed off, ok?) Fuck you! I am doing the best that I can here. I'm 14 years old!!! Living in OKLAHOMA!!!! Not a gay person, OUT, for hundreds of miles. I wanted to feel!!! I wanted to feel love, so, yes, I sang Careless Whisper to some dude on the phone. Oops, did I forget that part earlier? Damn! It just keeps getting better,...doesn't it?

Geez!!! Big. Heavy. Sigh!!! Oh well,... You're right 14yo self, you were doing the best that you could with your level of awareness at the time. Good for you for putting yourself out there. That certainly was brave. Vulnerable and probably, just a smidge ear piercing. You know you can't sing. See how brave you were???

Change your mind

I read one of those little meme things on Facebook recently that read, It's hard to stay positive when it seems like everything is going wrong, and my response to that was, If it seems that everything is going wrong, it may be time to change your mind.

What I mean by that is, perhaps, if your mind were focused on something that brings you joy, then maybe you could begin to feel a bit of relief. I know it is hard to do sometimes, but it is possible to change your focus. It is possible to retrain your brain. I know it's possible because I do it.

Imagine for just a moment that you're sitting in a cold drafty room with a leaky roof and there is slow constant drip right on top of your head. This water is dripping, dripping, dripping right on your head, constantly nagging you. Every single time it drips on you, your body has a slight flinch and over time this flinch causes you to tire and feel exhausted. Your muscles tighten and you can't seem to relax.

Then all of a sudden you realize you can get up from the chair and walk away from the drip that has been driving you crazy! You can seek out a more desirable place to be.

Imagine what a relief you would feel to be away from that nagging drip. It can be as easy or as difficult as you choose and yes, you can choose.

You have the power to make changes in your life. All it takes is for YOU to make up your mind that you want better and then reach out and grab it! Reach for happy feeling thoughts. Reach for a sense of relief. Begin by taking the needle off the record of all the thoughts that drive you crazy. Bring peace into your current moment. Rest your brain and allow peace to drift in and imagine your body relaxing as you let go.

Just let go. Release your grip on that negative source of frustration. Release your grip on that confusion and open your mind to certainty. Start with what you know. I know I am sitting here right now, I know I am breathing right now. I know I want change in my life. I know that breath is the source of life. If I am not breathing I am not living and I can feel my breath. I know I can sit here for just a minute and focus my thoughts on my breathing, so I can experience a moment of relief. There is no right or wrong way to do this. The point is to feel relief.

As you do this and begin to experience a bit of relief, you may find that sense of relief very desirable. You may want to practice getting a moment of relief more and more and you find that you rather enjoy it. One moment of relief turns into two, and then 5 and so on. You may find that feeling a sense of relief is much easier than you thought and that is how you change your mind.

Change your mind, change your life.