Don't play with Poison

There are two songs that remind me of a relationship in my past that are super sad, I don't wanna cry, by Mariah Carey and I can't make you love me, by Bonnie Raitt. Whenever one of these songs comes on, you'd think that I'd be quick to change it, because of the sadness both of those songs evoke, but actually what I do instead is I sit and listen.

I listen to the words and remember how completely lost I felt back then. I can actually feel the emptiness in my heart when I listen to Bonnie Raitt sing those words, I can't make you love me if you don't, you can't make your heart feel something it won't.

Upon reflection, it wasn't so much a heartbreak because that person couldn't love me, it was because deep down inside, I knew the song was more about me than anyone else. I could NOT make myself feel something that I didn't feel. I was never in love with that man and it broke my heart trying to be something to someone that I was never going to be. It was extremely difficult to keep trying so hard and getting slaps in the face at my attempts. I don't believe he ever loved me either, but the most sad part about it was that I didn't love me. It was a very dark time. I didn't want to cry anymore. Every moment we were together it was breaking the real me down. I could feel my heart crumbling into a pile of ash.

So, why do I sit and listen to these songs? Why do I drudge up such feelings of anguish? Well, to be perfectly honest, I don't drudge up all those feelings every time I listen to those songs, but I do listen to those songs. I drudged up those feelings now, for the purpose of shedding light on the depth of my despair at the time.

So getting back to answering the question, why do I listen to those songs. Well I'll tell you, I listen to those songs to honor my path. I listen to those songs to acknowledge the growth that I have achieved over the years. When I listen to those songs, it is like opening a box of poison. I can look at the poison and reflect on how that poison affected me, but I don't get the poison out and play with it. I just open the box and peek inside. I remember how I used to feel and then I close the box and with a HUGE sigh of relief, I express gratitude for realizing that I did love myself. I loved myself enough to get out of that horrible situation and I love myself enough to continue on my path of discovery. I wouldn't be the person I am today had I not gone through those awful times and I am extremely grateful to be beyond those dark dark feelings.

Happy, so happy to be in the light.