Stretching my assertive muscles

It totally SUCKS to feel stuck. Believe me. I know. BUT the opposite of feeling stuck is feeling free and that feels totally and completely amazing. Sometimes we are so stuck we don't even realize that the one that is trapping us in this feeling of being stuck is our own damn selves.

We are living our lives the way that we have figured out works best for us, with our current set of coping skills and then all of a sudden we bump into a barrier. We are so blinded by irrational fear, blame and inner turmoil (current coping skills) that we don't even recognize ourselves standing right there in our own way.

Then one day we get SICK and TIRED of bumping into this damn barrier and we break down and cry wondering why our coping skills don't work anymore. Well, I'm not sure why any one of us decides to trade in our old skills for new ones, but for me I discovered I was not happy carrying around the irrational fear, and I was exhausted from the mental gymnastics that only provided a veil of happiness. I truly wanted true deep genuine happiness and to get to that I had to look at myself.

I learned that for me, passive was putting everyone else's feelings before mine which created a false sense of happiness and a sense of resentment which lead to being aggressive, putting my feelings above everyone else's. I didn't like that at all. That's just not my style. But, wait!!!! There's another option. Yes. It's true.

Angel, I'd like to introduce you to a little thing called being assertive. Oh, Hi assertive let's play and be friends. OK, I like the way that sounds. Assertive people take everyone's feelings into consideration and weigh out all the information, coming to a mutual decision. What a sense of relief!!!!! What a sense of freedom!!!!

Look at me stretching my new assertive muscles. I feel like doing the Saturday night fever strut!

Begining to see

I am totally and completely in love with my wife. She has a tough thick set of armor and she can be a stubborn son-of-a-bitch sometimes, but when you get to know her and she trusts she can take off her protective armor she is the sweetest most caring and giving woman. She consistently surprises me.

Thank you Keri, for allowing me the time I needed to see this side of you and for being supportive as I develop and strengthen my sense of self.

Sometimes I feel I am seeing her with new eyes each day as we both grow, evolve and support each other changing into the best selves we can be for ourselves and each other. I am damn lucky to have her and I know it. I also know that she is just as lucky to have me.

Imagine me basking in the glow of self-confidence. It. feels. so. AMAZING. I can just see the teary eyed smiles of my friends that have been so supportive and instrumental in this process. Thank you for gently convincing me to step outside of my comfort zone (yes, the little push too) and for supporting me when I doubted myself. Thank you for helping me pick out clothes and for watching me awkwardly stumble through a few personal fashion shows in person AND via text. Thank you so much for being the kind of friends that have taken the time to realize that I wasn't seeing the version of me that you were seeing and for helping me see the me you see.

Lucky, Lucky me to have such an amazing wife AND the best best friends a girl could ever dream of having.

Just say NO to the circus and say yes to elephants.

At home from work sick today and I managed to make myself even more sick. Although I feel much much better I found a documentary narrated by Lily Tomlin called An Apology to Elephants. I cried as I watched how baby elephants were taken from their families, knowing how family oriented these majestic creatures are it was utterly heartbreaking. The male elephants in a natural habitat stay with their mothers until they are about 14, however the female elephants stay with their mothers their entire lives. Unless they are stolen from their families and shipped to buyers for the circus and as long as people are buying tickets to the circus these and all the other animals will continue to be abused. I beg you to all to stop going to the circus.

I vow to NEVER attend a circus again. I can not believe the horrible tactics the trainers use to get these poor gentle giants to do the circus tricks. They should not be called trainers, they should be called abusers. They use bull hooks, ropes, chains, beatings and fear to get the elephants to those head stands, balancing tricks and all the other tricks they do in a circus setting. It breaks my heart to see such abuse.

The abuse, as you would imagine causes psychological damage to these gentle giants turning them into agressive confused tormented souls. On occasion when a "trainer" accidently drops their bull hook, the elephants see that as an opportunity. Once that weapon is on the ground the elephants have been known to attack and kill the "trainers". I believe it's a justified killing. Those "trainers" torture those poor elephants. Stabbing them in very sensitive areas to push them away or make them walk and using the hook end of the bull hook to pull them in the direction they want them to go.

It is not just the "training" that is so awful and abusive, it is also the conditions in which the elephants have to live in captivity. It is not living at all, merely existing when an elephant is chained in one place without the ability to socialize, lay down or walk around. In a natural environment, elephants must walk hundreds of miles sometimes to get food and water and that is what their bodies are made for, not standing chained in one place for 19-26 hours and even more when being transported from one location to another. Sometimes 60-100 hours. That is awful. Most of the time they are standing in their own urine and excrement for those hours causing horrible sores and disease of their feet.

What have I really learned from watching this documentary? Well, I'll tell you, besides the fact that I don't really want to go to the circus any more because I am horrified by the way animals are treated in that environment, I have also learned that I don't really like the way I feel when I watch such horrible things. I wasn't going to the circus anyway, but perhaps this blog will be read by someone that doesn't know how horribly animals are treated in the circus and it will inspire them to forgo and future circus attendance. Before long the demand for such performances will diminish to the point that it won't be profitable enough to have a circus anymore. I only hope that it happens before the elephants become extinct.

 

What is your life's purpose???

pwha phwa phwa phwa

The sound of my favorite stout evacuating the growler and relocating to the pint glass. As I pour the delicious liquid, it slowly glides down the inside of the glass down and swirls into a yummy pool at the bottom, it slightly tints the glass with a dark chocolatey hue. Is the liquid excited to live out it's purpose? Which in my perspective is to satisfy my taste,... Does the liquid care? If everything is made of energy and has an awareness,... Is the liquid aware that it exists to please my taste buds?

How many people wonder if their favorite beer is living or not? Furthermore, if by some bizarre fact that it does actually LIVE, how many are contemplating if the beer is pleased with its life by satisfying my taste?

Wait a minute,... Let's look at this concept for a moment. Is my beer alive? What is beer? Beer is an alcoholic beverage that is made out of grains: wheat, barley and hops. Which are plants that are growing and living,.... I'm just sayin',... Follow me here!!!

Ok, so the plants (wheat, barley and hops) used to create beer, do they lose their essence when they transition from living plant into ingredients? Some part of their living time has to retained within them as they transition to the form that is used to create beer, which is what they currently are,... Right?

So, as a seed grows onto a plant and a plant grows into a blossom, fruit or vegetable,...so does a grain that grows into a beer. It is that LIVING part of that being's existence, that wants to achieve its purpose and to feel satisfied knowing as it is poured down my throat it's dancing with my taste buds, and in doing so has totally and completely lived a life, satisfied.

Shit! I better finish this beer,... I don't want to deny him of his life's purpose.

Love is Love. Ain't nuthin' wrong with that

Equality is not that difficult of a concept to comprehend, yet with all the homophobia that is blasting the news, it seems I may be wrong. Why does anyone care if a boy in Arkansas shares his story in a yearbook? Why does anyone In Arizona care who they are serving breakfast to or who is a patron of their business? Why do the leaders of Russia give a damn? How can any one person claim that they KNOW God hates anyone?

I am so sick of close minded folks saying we need ban the discussion of gay rights and issues for the sake of protecting children. That is BULL SHIT!!!! That is exactly where conversations regarding gay rights and issues need to be discussed, so that all the gay little boys and girls that were simply BORN that way don't feel so fucking confused and totally lost. We should be opening up our minds and our arms and hugging these poor children that have such a challenging time searching for acceptance. The message should be it is totally ok to love who you naturally love.

What is wrong with people that they have something against love?

Amazing realizations

I don't know how other people see people, but what I see when I am looking at people is their essence. I don't know exactly how or why I have this particular sensitivity, but I really love it. I can see lighthearted true joy reverberating out of someones soul. I can see the beauty in them that they often are too self conscious to let shine.

The down side, if you can imagine such a thing, is I can also see pain and anguish buried beneth a smile. I can feel other's sadness and I have a sense of the effort they put into masking their sadness and inner torment. Though I love being able to see the beauty and essence of people, being able to see the other can be very heavy if I allow it to be. I have to be very careful not to take on the responsiblity of healing or rescuing. That has been very challenging for me in the past and a life long struggle to release.

I'd like to think that the amazing healing powers of human touch could take a bit of that pain and anguish away, even if only for a moment. I love to wrap my arms around someone and hold them in a warm loving embrace. I love giving life affirming hugs and to be able to feel people let go a little of the tightness they feel in their bodies from carring the burden of the world on their shoulders. I like to place my hand on the shoulder of someone that needs a little boost. I, so often, wish that I could take some of my good loving feelings and give injections or drape peope with a cloak of love and healing.

I guess if it were that easy and I could resolve all the problems of the world what would we do then? With out all the drama of heart break, hurt feelings, anger and resentment? OH! I KNOW!!!! We could have a big'ol happy World Party. I like the idea of a World Party rather than a World War. We could put all the money we would spend on military efforts and weapons and put it towards our World Party,..... Man!!! What a party that would be, eh? Dancing, laughing, sharing, hugging, laughing. Oh, I already said laughing. Oh well, there can never be too much laughing.

We, ALL, could be our true selves, simply allowing each other to be what ever we felt was best for ourselves and all the people would feel love and acceptance. What a wonderful image,... We all want to be loved and accepted and if we would just open our eyes we could see that there is plenty of love to go around.

Let's all vow to take a moment the next time we feel upset, sad, rejected, angry or disappointed to take a look at all the people around us that love us and consider what they might be dealing with that may hinder them from meeting our expectations of who we "think" they should be and simply, let. that. go. Let go of our expectations of others. Let go of our hurt. Just let it all go and in that moment, take a look within ourselves. Maybe instead of holding someone else responsible for what THEY "did to us" we can raise ourselves up to BE the person we expect others to be, because the only thing we have control over anyway, is ourselves. Our actions and reactions, our ablity to hang on to somethig or let it go. This way the only person we have to blame or hold accountable for our let downs is oursleves,..... What an AMAZING and POWERFUL discovery!!!!

Absolutely everything we need is right there within us. Our essecene is plenty to meet all of our needs. Our essence comes from the Ultimate Creative Source and what more could we possibly need? Starting right here and starting right now, I relieve you ALL of the responsibilty to make me happy. I got this. And as a favor to myself I am also relieving myself of the responsibility to make you happy. Only YOU can make YOU happy and you can start right this very instant.

What are you waiting for????

What did one goose say to the other?

I took Waffles, our 11 year old golden retriever puppy, out this morning for a short walk to go potty and while we were out there my attention was drawn to some Canadian Geese flying over head. I noticed them them because I heard one of them honk. I assume one was honking at the other one as some form of communication, but I really don't know. But as I watched them fly by I notice after about 7 or 8 flaps of their wings, one of them gave another single honk.


I wondered how can they communicate much variety of conversation with seemingly one word, HONK. How boring would that trip be if all you could say to each other was HONK? There must be little nuances that make each HONK a little different than another providing some variety, right?

All I can say is, HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK. Which is Canadian Goose for, I am grateful to be human.

Oh no!!! Not the F Bomb,....

Growth- whew! There is a very clear reason why there's a thing called growing pains. It hurts sometimes when you realize all the mental gymnastics you've been preforming are #1 not neccesary #2 such a waste of time and #3 fucking exhausting.

Sometimes the biggest barrier on our path is our own damn self. I am a big proponent of searching under ever rock to find whatever it is you need to find health, happiness and peace. I am ready to be ready, but I'm not quite there yet. That's the painful part. I know where I want to be and it hurts to stay where I am, but I haven't figured out how to get where I wanna be.

Right now all I know is I am ready and though I don't know HOW,................... I DO know that I CAN get there from here. Here's where the big F bomb comes into play.

FAITH

What's the purpose of it all anyway?

I am typing out this particular blog on my iPhone, the way I typed the first 5 months of my blog. All I have to say is, I must really love writing this blog, because this is a very slow and uncomfortable way of typing. One finger pecking away at a 1 X 1.5 inch (and for all you techies out there, a 215 x 320 pt) keyboard??? Really? I did this for 5 months??? I don't even wanna do it for 5 more minutes!!!

I am totally spoiled by my iPad now. I love you iPad!!! So why am I pecking away with one finger on this teeny tiny keyboard when the luxurious 9x7 (approx.) keyboard of my iPad sits lonely and yearning for my tappy (that's tapping and happy smooched together) fingers to ignite it's life's sole purpose? Well, if you must know, I'm blogging from my bath tub. That right, folks, I AM one of THOSE risk takers. Could I drop my phone into the tub??? Well, I guess I could,... BUT, I also could drop it while walking outside in the rain or into a puddle when I step out of my car,...

If I lived my life trying to protect myself from all of the "what if's", would I really be living? Me thinks, NOT!!!

I love my life and all of the delightful twists and turns the risks, chances and barriers provide. Life is for living and if you can't blog from your bathtub, what's the purpose of it all anyway???

My challenge to you today is to step outside of your comfort zone, take a chance and live all the awkward moments. You'll be surprised at how it spurs growth and expansion.

Raise your hand if you've had a pretend crush

Forty five is young and I'm only 44. HA! It's a fantastic age to be. I am in love with my life and NOT just because it rhymes, but also my wife. I'm just cheesy like that. Maybe I should call this blog Cheesitude,... No, I like Apozitude MUCH better.

One of the many reasons I love my life is directly related to this blog. I really am surprised how much I love writing, although I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. I've kept a journal of some sort all my life. The first journal that sticks in my mind is one I kept when I was 12. It had a red and green plaid fabric cover. Oh how I wish I still had that preteen drama love struck filled book, alas, I can distinctly recall throwing it in a dumpster long about 18 years old.

The only reason that particular journal sticks out in my mind is because of a single entry. I remember on my 13th birthday I wrote in red ink. I was wrought with so much conflict and unrequited love. Seventh grade is difficult for most people and I am not saying that my seventh grade experience was more difficult than others, but from my confused perspective it sure did seem like it. I was in love with one or two of my friends and both of them were, of course, interested in boys. One of them, in fact, had a crush on the boy that I was pretending to have a crush on to blend in and divert attention away from my true feelings towards my friends.

One night one of those friends (true crush) was spending the night at my house and the boy I was pretending to have a crush on called my house. He asked to speak to my friend and before they got off the phone they were going together. Talk about a broken heart. Pretend crush boy asks real crush girl and she says yes. 12-10-1982 - Broken hearted little confused gay girl writes in red on her 13th birthday how she doesn't think she can go on living this painfully confusing life. I tried to think of ways to end my life and I even tried, but I just didn't have quite enough torment to follow through. I had my coping mechanisms that helped me get through those tough times.

Luckily, my mom was willing and able to send me to counseling. I don't remember sharing those suicidal feelings with my mom, but she paid very close attention to me and she had me in counseling at a very early age. I had people I could talk to, I have always known beyond a shadow of a doubt that my mom loved me and I had my writing.

So, I guess it's pretty clear I wasn't ever able to go through with any of those thoughts of ending it all and what the hell does all that downer stuff have to do with a blog called Apozitude???? Well, I'll tell you. I spoke to a friend of mine today that has been following this blog and telling her friends about it. She told me today that one of my blogs was a life changer for her. A life changer. I'm not implying that she was having suicidal thoughts, I just mean that something I wrote changed her perspective and changed her life. That is pretty fucking awesome and that is just one of many reasons I love writing this blog. It brings tears of joy to my eyes and fills my heart with hope that writing my little stories can have such an affect on a person. It just takes a slight shift in the perspective of one person the change the world.

One person at a time, I intend to have a positive affect on the world and facilitate change that will create a better place to be. Starting with me and starting now.

Who's got their safety socks???

Four years ago this month I was freed of the annoying torture of having a uterus and all the delightful monthly experiences that go along with having such an organ. Yippee!!! In my particular case having a uterus also involved having a 500 gram fibroid and just for the sake of perspective the average healthy uterus is 60 - 80 grams. That's a difference of almost a pound, which equates to being about 6 months pregnant, except in my case it was for about 10 years. NO WONDER my back was killing me and hasn't quite recuperated. Geez!!!!

The other thing that went along with that experience was the topic discussed in my blog, No, not proud moments, which if you haven't read is about a little pee pee problem known in the medical field as stress incontinence, but more importantly, known to me as fuckin' annoying.

I am bringing this up again because I was reminded of a funny story that I thought you might enjoy. Yes, it will be at my expense, but this is how much I care about you having a little smile on your face today.

When I went to discuss the options for treating my fibroid rich uterus with my gynecologist I thought I might as well bring up the little pee pee problem I was having. I thought, Hey if you're going to be in my neighborhood you might as well take care of all the improvements needed. Right? and yes, I just referred to my nether region as my neighborhood. I never have before and I'm not sure why I did just now, but I'm going with it.

Well,... options were discussed and I did, sincerely, appreciate the broad spectrum of options. Regarding my uterus I was just ready to get rid of it and my doctor could tell, however I was open to a less invasive option regarding the pee pee issue. So, we talked about physical therapy. Hmmm,.. Physical therapy, huh? I was thinking Kegel exercises were in my future for sure. Ok, no problem, so I got in touch with the PT office my doctor recommended and scheduled an appointment.

The PT specialist that deals with this pee pee problem called me back and introduced herself and told me the muscle group responsible for this issue was the pelvic floor. Ever heard of it? I hadn't!

I was just sitting there listening to her describe how these muscles work and what happens when they don't work or in my situation over work, shaking my head yes like I was understanding and then she says, Alright then let's get started. I could feel my eyes widen a bit in curiosity and my head shift a little, kinda like the response you get from a dog when you ask them a question. Let's get started?

She got out a sheet and asked me to disrobe from the waste down, but I could leave my socks on. Then instructed me to get on the table on my back with my knees up and she would return. I did what she asked and as I laid there waiting for her to return I couldn't help but wonder, what the hell kind of comfort are my socks going to provide my completely naked neighborhood??? And why is my neighborhood completely naked? What kind of physical therapy is this?

I heard a knock at the door followed by the questions, Are you ready? May I come in? I paused for a minute because I wasn't sure if I was ready or not but, I was there, I did choose this less invasive option and I did have my safety socks on. So, I granted the access she requested. Little did I know what this access was granting her.

The only way to trigger the pelvic floor is through your vagina. Oh yeah, my eyes widened like what the fuck? I'm thinking, Am I going to trigger my pelvic floor right here in front of you? Oh no she's going to do it for me. What??? All of a sudden this did NOT seem like the least invasive option. I'm trying to breath and keep my cool. I have to admit it took a bit of effort.

If you are wondering, YES, she had her fingers in my neighborhood and yes, she was sportin' a latex suit. The therapy consisted of her pressing against my pelvic floor in a clockwise circle in the 12, 3, 6 and 9 o'clock positions and then in a counter clockwise circle. My job? My job was to relax my pelvic floor. RELAX? my pelvic floor?

#1- I just learned about my pelvic floor 15 minutes ago #2- According to you it's chronically flexed, causing the pee pee problem and #3 YOU- (person that I just met 15 minutes ago) HAVE YOUR fingers IN MY VAGINA!!! How the hell am I supposed to relax anything??? I went back three times.

I'm not saying I enjoyed it, I didn't. I understand that it kinda seems like I did, but I was just being a compliant patient. I wish I could report that the PT worked, but it didn't. It might have something to do with the fact that though I was compliment in attending my appointments, I wasn't that great at continuing the exercises exactly the way she recommended.

Even though the PT wasn't successful, I have no regrets. Some experiences result in positive memories and positive solutions. Then there are the experiences that result in a lesson that you can look back on and laugh. Just don't pee pee yourself when you do laugh.

Wanna learn a new word?

On a walk this past weekend, Mother Nature was whispering in our ears that Spring is on its way. She was able to prove it by carefully placing little fuzzy buds in the trees with bursts of color just barely peeking out of the tips. The sound of crunching gravel under each foot step gave us the feeling that we had the whole park all to ourselves as walked down the path, the birds were chirping their little bird songs. The fresh air felt soft and cool on our faces, but didn't sting like the whispy winter wind had just days before. The blooms of the Cherry Blossom Tress were starting to sprinkle the trees with vibrant color. I love the contrast of the dark mossy branches with the bursts of soft sweet color against the blue sky with puffs of white clouds. The earthy smell known as, geosmin was thick in the air, rich and musty like my favorite stout.

I love Spring.

Bye bye Birdie

What is the purpose of this blog? That is an excellent question. Thank you for asking. To your excellent question, I have an excellent answer. The purpose of Apozitude is to raise awareness to the positive affects a positive attitude can have on a persons life, how ever that is not the sole purpose. Apozitude is also about creating levity and light heartedness around some of life's more challenging situations.

Do you wanna know what the amazing thing about the intro you just read? I thought you might. The amazing thing about that intro is I wrote it about an hour ago for a totally different story. I took a little break from writing to join my wife on our back deck for some sitting in the sunshine and reading. It is a beautiful day, but then a cloud came along and blocked the sun from shining down on our bodies. A little bit of a chill set in and Keri decided to get a shower and I decided to clean up the wood pile corner of our deck.

Last summer I had purchased some sawdust fire starter blocks that seemed to be starting to deteriorate, so I decided to sweep them up and place what I could in the chiminea for a future fire. I have a couple of brass looking buckets out there too that I keep wood in for fires. As I was sweeping up the saw dust, I moved one of the buckets away from the wall a bit to accommodate access for better sweeping. My eyes peeked further behind the second bucket to reveal a little bird that had died back there. I let out a little whimper and a wave of sadness came over me like a sheer scarf had blown up on my deck out of nowhere and lightly landed on me.

I paused in my action of cleaning and squatted down for a moment. I never formally met that bird before, but I have spent many hours with my baby watching the birds flutter around our deck, bickering over who will get to be next on the perch, hopping around peeking at seeds that have fallen from the messy ones that do get to the perch. We provide those birds with fresh water, fresh food and undercover from rain and snow. They are cute little birds with funny mannerisms.

I was sad for a moment and knew that lots of birds die all the time, but this particular bird (though I realize his spirit was gone from this little feather covered body) was going to get the privilege of a proper burial, but I was going to need help. I went to get Keri and she helped me. We placed him in a little box lined with tissue and little pink heart shaped confetti. We buried him in our from yard.

So what's the amazing thing about the intro? I came back to write about the bird. I came to the conclusion that yes, birds die all the time, but this little bird, unlike most, was going to have the privilege of a proper burial. I am sure his little bird family will miss him and that they are grateful to us for the reverence we had the opportunity to give him and took it. I was sad, but then I made a choice to look at the positive. That, my friend, is Apozitude in action right there.

Commercials these days,...

What the hell does a lizard dancing around and singing about a Philly cheese steak sandwich have to do with a company marketing to sell insurance.

Well,...Ok. Now that I've searched for the link to attach to my blog to prove my point and actually watched the whole commercial, I see that it's about 24 hour access, but I still feel that is really stretching quite a bit for a connection.

Woes of a hair twirler

Since I've started growing out my hair I have this uncontrollable tendency to twirl my hair. If you have seen me in the last couple of months you've probably noticed I can't seem to keep my fingers from twirling my hair and the reason I am mentioning it here in my blog is to raise awareness.

Awareness? Awareness of what?

Awareness of a rare condition know a Hair Twirlers Elbow aka H.T.E.

Symptoms of H.T.E consist of highly defined forearm muscles of one arm (usually the flexor capri ulnaris and palmaris longus, the two muscles responsible for movement of the thumb and first two fingers) slight pain in the ulnar collateral ligament and tightness in the deltoid of the afflicted arm.

If you know people that twirl their hair, please warn them of this rare condition. It can be a pain. I am trying to stop twirling my hair, but it is so soft and provides a self soothing affect to twirl it around my fingers, but it is beginning to affect my typing. There are no local support groups, so I am on my own trying to work through it.

When I notice I am reaching for my hair to start twirling, I ask myself if I am upset. If the answer is no, I ask myself then why are you trying to soothe yourself by twirling your hair? If the answer is yes, then I ask myself is twirling your hair going to help your upset? I am diligently working on resolving my own H.T.E. condition through behavior modification and a consistent application of arnicare gel.

Awareness is half the battle. Please spread the word.

Let it alone

You absolutely would not believe some of the things that people say to me sometimes. I called a guy the other day and he said, "Hold on! I can't hear you, I've got two chickens in my hands."

What??? (sigh) I have no idea. I just let it go, because to try and clarify would only further complicate my day. Obviously because he had two chickens in his hands.

Another guy walks into the office, looks me straight in the face and the first words out of his mouth, I kid you not one bit were, I don't like your hair.

I received a call the other day from a guy that wanted to make a payment toward his account, so I clarified the amount that was due and replied, "Ok, I'm ready when you are." and he asked if he could pay by check or debit (over the phone mind you). I said, "Well,...I can't take a check over the phone,..." He was befuddled and said, "Damnit! I got everything ready before I called too, so I could write you a check" I shook my head in disbelief and asked just to clarify that this wasn't a misunderstanding on my part, Were you intending to make a payment over the phone? He was, indeed. I said, Alrighty, well then we'll need your debit or credit card number. He was shuffling things around and mumbling while he was looking for his wallet that he couldn't seem to find. I suggested he call back when he found it.

Guess what!!! He called back. His wallet as in his car. Ok, I'm ready for the number. I could hear him shuffling through his wallet. I can't find my card. Maybe I left it in my car. Again, I suggested he call back when he found it. Not even two minutes later he called back. It was, in fact on the floor behind his drivers seat. (sigh) Why I have to know all this, is a frustrating mystery to me. So, finally he reads me the number.

Guess what!!!! Transaction denied! Seriously???? He asked me to try again. Denied!!! Ok, lemme call my bank this is my good card. It should work.

For Fuck's sake how does this guy survive? I really don't understand. I had the pleasure of speaking to him one more time and on the 5th call, we did finally get the payment applied to his account. Geez!!!

But the topper of all stories was when this old Italian woman from New York came in with her husband. She was waiting for him while he went in for his appointment. While waiting, she was perched on the edge of her chair, just waiting for someone to glance her way. I could feel her tense yearning to be acknowledged and my bleeding heart caused my eyes to glance her way with a slight greeting smile on my face and tip of my head, I asked her how she was and that was all the invitation she needed. She popped up out of that chair as if she were spring loaded and made a b line to my desk. She started in on all the ways her life was miserable.

In her thick Italian/New York accent she explain how she had been to the "Dawkta to see about an infection." uncomfortable pause,... "Ya' know',...down'air" She raised her eyebrows, opened her eyes real wide and tilted her head towards her nether regions.

OH MY GAWD!!!! I can not believe this woman is telling me this!!!! She proceeded to explain how she asked her Dawkta what she should do about it and he recommended that she, in her words, "Let it alone".

Yes! What I am telling you is that this 80 year old, 4 foot tall, white haired woman was telling me right there in our dental office reception area about her infected vagina. Why? WHY??? Why me??? And believe me, I am saving you from many of the details of this very VERY awkward situation. She's not even a patient of our office,...

I told you that you wouldn't believe me,... But it's true. I guess I just have this look about me that dares people to try and get a reaction out of me, or I have an energy about me that allows people to feel very free and comfortable with me and they just open up like pandora's box. All I have to say is, Some things are private and that is ok.

Gettin' girlie and loving it

Well folks this girlie girl is happy to report she has just discovered a new love, and to be completely honest, it's not really a new love, but more like a new version of an old tried and true love.

This report comes with an admission as well. I, Angel Zamudio, have an ever so slight addiction to lip stuff, lippy, chapstick (not the brand), or whatever you call it. The old tried and true for the last several years has been Dessert Essence lip rescue with shea butter, my friend Lori gave me on my 40th birthday. Love It!!!! Before that I was an avid Burt's Bees Beeswax lip balm user and before that it was Lip Medix by Blistex and even before that it was Carmex.

You can ask anyone that knows me I can not leave me house with out my lip stuff. I have one by my bed, in my car, at my desk at work, at my writing table at home, one in the kitchen, one in my jacket and one in my purse. See its only a slight addiction.

But now, thanks to my two of my best friends I have EOS in my life which I LOVE and was completely heart broken when I lost my very first one in a recent trip to Seattle, but guess what, I was surprised to find a replacement had been left on my front door step. So sweet. And NOW, I also LOVE these ultra shiny Victoria Secrets lip glosses. I love them for different reasons. The lip rescue and EOS brands I love for the soothing creaminess they provide and the ultra shiny ones I like for the, well,... shininess of them. They really are not my favorite for one particular reason and that is because of how sticky they are, but I am willing to sacrifice for the shiny, shimmery sexiness of the ultra shiny ones.

I am having lots of fun on my girl journey and my hair is getting long. Well, longer. Yippee!!!!

That's right, I said, Suck it!!!

You know what? One of these days I am going to learn that positivity isn't for everyone and those folks that don't dig positivity can suck it!!!!

Really it should not matter to me if someone else likes positivity or not. Right? Do I give a shit if someone else wants to be miserable? Does someone else being miserable affect my level of joy? Only if,...wait for it,

I. Allow. It.

Frankly folks, I am TIRED of giving my power away. Should I temper my level of joy because someone else chooses to be miserable? The answer my friend is blowing in the wind and the wind is saying, Hell NO!!!! I am holding on to my power because giving away my personal power is like leaving a light on in a room when you leave it empty. No one is using that light and it's a waste of energy. Have you ever tried to bolster someone up that is dead set on having a pity party? Waste of energy. Another reason is because it doesn't matter how full of positive energy I have or harness, honestly, I could very possibly be the very most positive person I know and it doesn't matter if I were the most positive person in the Universe a positive attitude is NOT something you can gift someone, even if you have an abundance of positivity.

Having a positive attitude is a choice and you can not make someone else choose. You can only choose for yourself.

I choose positivity and I allow others to be whatever they choose to be. It really is that easy. The reason it is that easy is because a belief is a thought that you keep thinking and your brain is very very powerful. Think of the things that you have convinced your self of,...

Why not keep thinking something that serves you well?

I choose positivity and I allow others to be whatever they choose to be without allowing it to affect my level of joy.

One leads to another,...

I wrote this little introduction for one of my blog posts on Facebook last week, "We all have the right to be ourselves, even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else." and a very amazing thing happened, I received a text message from my cousin, Jason, that gave me cold chills all up and down my entire body.

So you understand his text let me give you a little back story. He and his wife, Deanna have been married maybe 2 years. I honestly don't remember when they were married, but it was fairly recent. They lived in Midwest City, Oklahoma and Deanna used to live in Ponca City, which is 107 miles from Midwest City. It turns out Deanna was really missing her children and grandchildren. She had to move back to Ponca city to keep her heart happy. Jason felt he needed to stay in Midwest City for his son and probably other reasons too, but I'm not sure. So, this happily married couple decided to live apart for the sake of being true to themselves and what they individually felt was best for them. I asked Jason for his permission to share his response and he said, "Sure thing".

So, here is his text to me, "We all have the right to be ourselves, even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else!! Deanna and I are wearing our wedding rings again. We've gotten to the point that when someone asks us, "What the hell are y'all doing!!??" We agreed we would respond, "It's not for you to understand. These are our lives and we love each other." I didn't marry Deanna with conditions. I love her unconditionally. She feels like she needs to be in Ponca City, I don't love her less. She chooses to stay committed to a man that treats her with respect and will remain faithful, even from a distance. What's so hard to understand?? We just don't try to explain anymore. We have a right to be ourselves and feel the way we feel. Love you, Angel"

I have read and re read that text several times and I get cold chills every single time. I am so happy for these two love birds that they are able to make an arrangement that works for them regardless of what anyone else thinks or believes.

The other thing that came to my mind is that it's not just gay couples or interracial couples that are fighting for their relationships to be accepted. There are all kinds of relationships that don't make a lick of sense to some, but mean the world to someone else.

Not everyone is you, so not every relationship is going to be defined by your standards. You live your life and the rest of us will do the same. We'll even serve you breakfast when you come to our place of work. No questions asked.

You saw my wife???? (big smiley face)

If you read my blog post, I am a writer, then you'll get this reference, Its another time and here's another story. If you did not read that post,... What are you waiting for, it was a good one.

I knew I was going to have a pretty good chunk of time between dropping Keri off at work and getting to my appointment. I needed to find a place to camp out for a bit. So, I decided in advance to take my iPad with me, find a little coffee shop close to my appointment and do some writing.

What I decided upon was not ideal, but it worked. I landed in the Good Samaritan Hospital Espresso bar right across the street from my doctor's office. I wanted a softer environment, I wanted something comfy. I wanted that little coffee shop off East Burnside that has the sunken side room off to the left with the big couch, over stuffed chairs and mix matched dining room tables and chairs that looked like they were plucked straight out of the 70's. That coffee lounge comes equipped with open funky artsy chatty people. My people.

What I got at Good Sam Espresso bar was plastic tables and chairs. All matching and perfectly clean, not that I have anything against clean. I certainly don't, but it was the sterile feeing I didn't appreciate, in the ambience and otherwise. Let me explain.

I was standing in line and there was only one person ahead of me. I was facing forward, as you would expect and from behind me I heard a woman say, "I saw your wife yesterday,..." and me being me, I, of course thought she was talking to me and without a thought I spun around to see who I was having the pleasure of randomly bumping into. To my surprise she was not someone I knew, but again without a thought I chuckled and placed the tips of my fingers upon my chest, as if I were surprised, because I actually was, and I said with a smile, "Oh, I thought you were talking to me,..." Much like the ambience her response was very sterile, no returned smile or chuckle,...Oh wait, I did get something from her a dead pan glance and then a dismissive turn away.

I didn't really put much thought into her response or the exchange and went about my business of deciding what I was going to order. I decided on a skinny cappuccino, but while I was waiting for the person ahead of me, I noticed a man, dressed in a pressed white shirt, tie and dress pants, had walked up to the self serve station. I heard conversation going on behind me, but I hadn't really put the nice dressed man together with dead pan Nance. As I saw him standing beside me with his self serve coffee already prepared, I decided to let him go before me. No problem, right? Then he wouldn't have to wait for my cappuccino to be prepared. He looked like he was probably on his way to work and might appreciate the consideration.

The person ahead of me paid up and left, I looked his way and tipped my head forward and said, Go ahead. He stepped forward, paid for his coffee and left. As he left, he and dead pan Nance exchanged pleasantries. OK, what's wrong there? I'll tell you what's wrong!!! He didn't even smile at me or say thank you or anything,... ZERO acknowledgment of the consideration I just gave him. What the fuck??? Strike two! That's what the fuck.

Big deep breath.

Breathing

Breathing

Breathing

Screw it! I had time ahead of me to sit and enjoy my coffee. Time to write. Time to focus on something pleasant and I wasn't about to waste a single moment of that opportunity to relive or stay focused on an unpleasant experience that already happened and that I had zero power to change.

So, why am I writing about it now? I am writing about it now because I'd like to share with others a reminder that we don't have control over how other people behave. People can be shitty sometimes, but that doesn't mean we have to be shitty back or carry their shitty treatment of us around with us. It feels so much better to rise above and carry on with our own good vibes. We have control of our own selves and we can choose to step off the roller coaster of irrational reaction and choose peace by letting it go.

I am a writer.

One day last week I had an appointment and I very much like to arrive on time or even early is better. In this particular case, my appointment was at 9am and I was across the street in a coffee shop at 7:45. Now, that is unusually early for me, but I had taken Keri to work and my appointment was not far from her office, so I decided to hunt down a coffee shop, iPad in tote and pretend to be living my dream. I am a writer sitting in a coffee shop with my headphones on. Writing and sipping coffee. This is my job. It felt,...Hmm,... Let's see, how can I put this?

AH-MAZE-ING!!!!!

I sorta feel like I should write more about how amazing it felt, but a little voice is telling me that it doesn't have to be explained because what matters is what I felt and am still feeling. I fucking LOVE IT!!!!! This is me. This is what I do. I am a writer, bitches.

Picture me hopping around with excitement, sportin' the biggest smile you ever did see, right smack in the middle of my face.

This like many other blogs totally went sideways from where I intended when I started. That's one of the totally amazing things about writing, you never really know where you're going to go. You just follow the energy and the slight little nudges of intuition and then, there you are, right in the middle of your own manifested reality.

I love it! I love it! I love it!!!!!

So, do you wanna know what I intended to write about? Ok, Ok. I'll tell you, but I have to say you're a little bit like a little kid begging me for one more story right before bedtime and since I'm the grown up in this situation (a rarity) I have to let you know that we are going to save that story for another time. The good energy from this story is very sacred and must be held in a place of reverence. The telling of another story would affect the good vibes I got flowing right now.

Sweet dreams, little one and we shall meet again another time for another story. And now you have something to look forward to in your future.