Oh, Please Don't Ask Me What I Think You're Going to Ask

There are times in life when you are faced with a situation that creates a reaction in you similar to that of a puppy hearing a strange new noise for the first time, such as a train whistle. You stop in your tracks and pause. Tilting your head one way and then the next, as if a different position of your head could ACTUALLY create a different perspective. Sometimes, you can glean a bit of clarity in that pause and other times you just can't quite make sense of it, so you just have to laugh.

One situation in which I was able create a bit of clarity involved my dad many years ago. I was probably about 26 years old and had recently called my dad to talk about my relationship with Keri and being gay.

Actually, to be clear, I think in this particular situation my dad was the puppy,... well at first anyway. We chatted for a bit and the conversation veered in another direction and then all of a sudden he says, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure Dad. What is it?"

"Which one of you is the boy?" Here's where I turn into the puppy, tilting my head one way and then the next, kinda dumbfounded, "Huh? Wha'? Which one of us is the boy? We're both girls Dad. That's what makes us gay".

He began to clarify, "No, I mean,...". I squinted my eyes closed tight in hopes he wasn't about to ask something I didn't really want to answer, "which one of you,... well, I mean which one of you changes the oil?" Whew!!! With a sigh of relief and a smile on my face I replied, "Neither one of us changes the oil. We take our cars to a mechanic."

"Well, which one of you does the laundry?"

"We do the laundry together." Well, we did back then because we went to the laundry mat. Honestly, Keri does most of the laundry. I do help, sometimes. I put my dirty clothes in the hamper, most of the time (embarrassed grin) and I fold.

My dad says, "You know what I mean" and in an effort to dissolve a bit of his preconceived notions about gay people and get him talking about what he believed, I replied, "No, Dad. I don't know what you mean." I still don't know if he had a more specific question that we never covered and honestly I am glad the conversation never took "that" turn.

We continued our conversation in a very civil manner and he did reveal to me that he was grateful. When I asked why, he said, "If God wants me to have a child that's gay, I can accept that, but I have to be honest. I am grateful that the child he chose was my daughter and not my son."

Reflecting on that comment now, it seems sexist, but at the time it felt like an honest admission of a loving father who knew his perspective was in need of some broadening. In my entire relationship with my Dad, this conversation included, I never once felt an ounce of judgement or disappointment from him in me as a person. For that, I am grateful.

Our relationship was far from perfect, but I always knew without a doubt that he loved me just as I am. He was a very sweet man. He cried, tears of joy, every single time he told me about the day I was born.

Daddy's Girl

OK, Here's the honey and butter on a biscuit story. Keri and I, as you might know if you read the blog entitled, Honey and Butter on a Biscuit, went to one of our favorite breakfast places this last weekend. Guess where!! Hey!!! How'd you know it was the Cricket Cafe on Belmont??? You're a very good guesser and yes, I'm a very good forgetter.

Anyway, Christine greeted us in her usual fashion, "Hey Hotties". No, not everyone gets this endearing greeting as you might imagine. Perhaps there are others, but for the sake of this blog I am going to assume that greeting is exclusively reserved for my wife and I. :) Once we exchanged pleasantries she asked, "Do you girls want your usual?" and we in fact did.

So, she comes back when our breakfast is ready and as per usual she placed the empty plate in front of me and the plate with the omelet that is big enough to feed each of us twice, in front of Keri. Keri usually looks at the ginormous omelet in front of her and says, This looks good what are you having?

We cut it in half and each eat about half of that and then split it again for breakfast the next day. We usually also get a biscuit. Their biscuits are so good and we like to put butter and honey on them. It tastes SOOOO good and besides that, putting honey on a biscuit or toast reminds me of when I was little.

My dad would drizzle honey on my toast, but before he did it he would ask me what I wanted him to draw on my toast with the honey. I am sure I said 100 different things, but the one I remember the most was the big bad wolf. I am sure you can imagine how difficult it might be to draw the big bad wolf on a piece of toast with honey, but in my mind it was perfect. I can remember the snout and the fangs and his big googly eyes. I loved eating that toast and snarling as I bit right down on that big bad wolf. My dad was the best! I am a very lucky girl to have had such an amazing man for my daddy. I love you Daddy, always will.

If you are reading this and your dad is still around give him a call or a hug today. It is my intention to have all phone calls and hugs exchanged between kids of all ages and their dads today to go up into the cosmos and touch my dad's heart.

Yummy feelings of LOVE

It's difficult to put into words how much I love my 12-year-old golden retriever puppy. He is a part of me. It's like I am a poly cotton blend, except it's more like puppy human blend. His fibers and my fibers have woven themselves together to provide a very cozy feeling relationship that wraps us both up like your all time favorite blanket. You know, the blanket your grandma made for you. The one you wrapped up in every single night of your childhood and every single time you stayed home sick.

The love that was hand stitched into that blanket warmed you to health, soothed you to sleep and wrapped you in an embrace of love that you will carry with you deep in your soul no matter if that blanket still exists or not.

Why am I writing about this? Well, I gotta tell you, I sat down to my keyboard to write a blog this evening and I looked over at my wife loving on our puppy and he looked at me with the sweetest brown eyes, blinked his little blonde eyelashes at me and I felt my very being swell with yummy feelings of love. It was like the perfect mixture of warm melted butter and your favorite jelly on toast, oozing out of all my pores. For me that would be more butter than jelly and the jelly would be a very thin, barely visible, smear of strawberry, delicately and purposefully spread to cover the entire piece of toast.

Waffles is our golden's name and he will ALWAYS be with me, no matter if his physical form exists or not. His eternal spiritual being will always be with me even if he re-emerges into another physical being of another dog.

There are two reasons why I am writing about him in this manner. #1- Even though I know what I am knowing about him being with me for ever, I am also knowing that he will transition. when he does it will be before I am ready and I will be sad. #2- I managed to total my car this last week. I was not ready for my car to make that transition and yes, I did feel a flicker of sadness as I cleaned out my little silver bullet today. I said good-bye to my little car and my very first Apozitude window lettering. I sat on the curb next to my car in the auto body shop and looked up to the sky. I thanked the universe for providing me that car and for the car doing such a good job of protecting me. I am grateful for what I have.

Someone asked me later in the day if I was sad to let my car go. I said, "Yes, a little bit, but it was just a car". I would MUCH rather be sitting here cuddling with my sweet little Waffles Bear.

We Luh ya' Puppy

Whenever I write about Waffles, I always feel I should clarify because I don't really know how many people are reading this blog. I imagine it is more than I know and that new people are discovering Apozitude all the time, so I have to be sure that when I mention Waffles, every one knows he's our sweet little golden retriever.

Waffles is the sweetest most gentle puppy you'll ever meet. He will be 12, July 13th. Wow, that's next month! I can't believe it, Puppy. He is so loved by so many. He has a very special spirit this Waffles Bear of ours. We feel tremendously blessed to share our lives with him. Do you know the song, I Luh ya Papi, by JLo? I sing that to Waffles all the time. I luh ya puppy. I, luh ya, luh ya, luh ya puppy.

The first week of May Waffles gave us quite a scare as he walked up to my wife, Keri, and leaned into her legs as he started to have a seizure. We weren't sure at first what was happening, but figured it out real quick. I have epilepsy myself, so I kind of feel like I had an idea of what he was experiencing. Keri has seen me have seizures before, so she had a different perspective on the situation. Together, I feel we handled it like a couple of pros.

After a trip to the emergency Vet that evening, our regular vet the next day, blood tests and much consideration, we decided to take him to a neurologist for an MRI and spinal tap to determine if a brain tumor was the cause. It was devastating news at first to have confirmation that a tumor had started to grow on his brain. We did further tests to rule out any other tumors in his body, once we knew what we were dealing with we decided to seek treatment.

Dr. Cyman gave us a good prognosis and laid out a course of radiation treatments. His treatments have been going just fine. I think if it were me enduring what he's going through, I'd be crying, just from the anesthesia very single day, but he's taking it like a champ. He's kinda drag ass going in for the treatments, but his energy is very good afterwards and he hasn't complained once.

During the weekends when he has a break from the radiation we do some of his favorite things. We took him to the beach before his treatments began and he played like a puppy, chasing the ball, exploring the beach and we've taken him to a local park where he threatened to chase some ducks, but was a little stand offish when the ducks reached the water. He needs a little ramping up to jump in water. We've played soccer and he really enjoys all of these activities, plus they provide him some exercise. It is also really good for Keri and I to see that he is his usual strong playful puppy self in spite of the tumor.

We have always said Waffles is our dog of dogs. He's such a wonderful sweet adorable puppy. We're very grateful for our sweet friends who have helped us get him to his appointments. 5 days a week for 4 weeks has been challenging, but we are happy that treatment is available and that we're able to make it happen. We made an agreement when we decided to adopt Waffles that we would do what ever we could manage to provide the longest healthiest life we could for him. We are keeping our promise and he has kept his promise too. :) He promised to be the BEST puppy in the whole wide world. We love you Waffles Bear.

Happy

I absolutely love the still quiet time of the morning when almost every one else is still asleep. I woke up around dark thirty this morning and I laid in bed tumbling ideas for my blog around in my head. I say it was dark thirty because I didn't look at the clock until I was trying to decide if I should just get up and start writing or try to go back to sleep. I peered over my sweet slumbering wife at the clock on her side of the bed. The little green digital numbers whispered to me, why don't you try to sleep a bit more it's only 3 in the morning. It's a very smart clock.

I went back to sleep with out much effort at all because I knew the next time I woke up, I would be a bit more rested and it would still be early enough for me to get some of that still quiet time I enjoy so much. I opened my eyes again and it was 5:15. Perfect!!!

I took Waffles, my adorable little golden retriever, out for a walk about. "Go Potty, go on" I love the cool morning air and how the silence hangs like a sheer curtain behind the sound of the breeze and the chirping birds. I look up at the trees and the sky and I express my gratitude aloud. I look at the sky all the time. The big beautiful sky. I smiled the whole time.

Watching the sky always warms my heart because it reminds me of a time when Garrison was about 4 years old. We were on our way to his daycare one morning and from the backseat I hear his little voice say, "Momma, look at the big beautiful sky". I can still see his little index finger-pointing up to the beautiful sun peeking through the clouds to greet us for the day.

I have so much to be grateful for and the sky is a constant reminder. I love my life!!!

I sure do love you.

It is truly amazing how reality shifts when you change your mind.

Simple living. Grateful, so grateful for what I have.

What did one goose say to the other?

I took Waffles, our 11 year old golden retriever puppy, out this morning for a short walk to go potty and while we were out there my attention was drawn to some Canadian Geese flying over head. I noticed them them because I heard one of them honk. I assume one was honking at the other one as some form of communication, but I really don't know. But as I watched them fly by I notice after about 7 or 8 flaps of their wings, one of them gave another single honk.


I wondered how can they communicate much variety of conversation with seemingly one word, HONK. How boring would that trip be if all you could say to each other was HONK? There must be little nuances that make each HONK a little different than another providing some variety, right?

All I can say is, HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK. Which is Canadian Goose for, I am grateful to be human.