Figuring it out

Every time the song, Reunited and it feels so good, by Peaches and Herb comes on the radio it transports me through time, right back to the late 70's when I had my first real crush.

I can remember in particular and with great clarity the feelings I had when I was singing the part that went,..."I wish I could climb right through the telephone line, so I could kiss your lips and you would still be mine". Back then I was about 9 years old and had no idea what all the lyrics of that song meant. All I knew was how I was feeling, completely dreamy!!! I had no idea how to express those feelings, so I did what I thought I had to do to get the attention I wanted.

Oh,... what did I do? You want to know what I did? Well, leave it to me to, #1 have a crush of a beautiful blonde girl about 7 or 8 years older than me and #2 choose to try and get her attention by slapping her ass and running off. It never really worked, and I tried a few times, by the way. The exhilaration I felt, though, for just coming into contact with her for a second, in my little immature mind was worth it.

I can remember her blonde feathered hair, her blue eyes (but,...maybe that was just her eyeshadow), her tight jeans with the huge pink comb sticking out of her back pocket. Her name was Marilyn, and I loved her more than anyone else in my whole 9 years of life. She was dreamy.

I can't remember why, but I got to go to her house one time. I stood in the hall just outside her bedroom and gazed at everything within those four walls that made up her bedroom. Clearly, I was head over heels in love with her, right? You're getting that from this story, right? Good.

So, knowing how I was feeling, you can imagine how totally confused I was when I got a folded up note from Marilyn's little brother, who by the way, I didn't even know existed. I still don't even remember what he looks like or what his name is/was. The note very simply read, "hey good lookin' what's cookin'?"

After I read that note, I stood there for a moment and looked at him, all kinds of confused. Then, I slowly turned my head towards Marilyn to try and get a clue from her as to why HE would giving ME this note and as if in silent slow motion, Marilyn pointing at me and then at him and then back at me. Her mouth was moving, but no words were coming out. I could not figure out what was happening.

What? Who? Huh? I was so confused, I think I actually blocked out the rest of what happened, because that is the very last memory I have of Marilyn and it only just came to me right now as I'm writing this.

I guess she thought I would be a good girlfriend? to her brother??? It still feels totally confusing as I reflect on it. It's like I can tap right into that feeling of, what the heck kind of filter are you using to look at this reality? You do not see what I see, at all! I guess she had no idea how I felt about her. How could she not have known? I slapped her ass! Several times! Isn't that the universal language for, "damn! your hot!!! Wanna be my girlfriend?", even if you're only 9 years old.

I guess she was not quite ready for the love of a lifetime,...

Coming to terms with and accepting myself a gay person over the next 14 years or so was very confusing. It was definitely an ebb and flow process that felt a great deal less elegant than it sounds. It felt more like living in complete oblivion and then trying desperately to swim in a stormy ocean. I turned my back on trying to figure out who I really was and focused my energy outward. I tried like hell to be like everyone else. It worked too, about as well as trying to put socks on a rooster.

I've grown quite a bit since then and now that I'm older I know how to express those dreamy feelings. Even better, those feelings are wrapped up in someone that is ready for the love of a lifetime and she IS also ready for me to slap her ass.

Expand my awareness

It is my intention to give my attention to conversation and open my mind to the idea that everyone I come in contact with has something to offer that will expand my awareness. I also intend to be true to myself and honor what I am guided to do in the interest of my highest good. When it feels right, I will listen and when it feels right to turn within I will honor that method of listening as well. I intend to be true to myself. Period. When I am true, really true to myself is when I have the best of myself to offer to others.

This IS what I want

I intend to be concise in my communication style for the highest good of myself and everyone involved.

I am an attentive listener. I am the queen of clarification. I intend for you to understand that you are important enough to me to have my full attention. I want you to be true to you and I want nothing less for myself.

I allow this or something better to flow through me from the connection I have to the ultimate creative source.