The Value of Vulnerability

I don't know how any of you feel about counseling, but I LOVE IT!!! Except when I hate it, she said with a smile on her face because she was on the "loving" side of it. However, I could not be on the loving side of it IF I didn't deliberately work through the hating it part of it. The hating part comes from addressing deep fears and exposing the very vulnerable parts of yourself. It can be very scary and emotional. It's a process, and I really really wanted to feel better. I am diligent in my efforts to feel better. The more I focus on what makes me feel better, the easier it gets, and the easier it gets, the better I feel, and the better I feel the easier it gets. I know it sounds far too simple, but I don't really know how to explain it any clearer.

I started counseling in January 2014 for about the 17th time in my life. Seriously! I honestly just went and wrote down all the times in my life that I could remember that I've been through some kind of therapy to help me find my authentic self. Some being traditional, some work shops, some hypnosis, some church and that doesn't even include all the self-help books I've torn through over the years and all the meditation and other forms of healing I've been through in pursuit of a sense of peace within myself.

All I ever wanted was to be true to myself and feel a sense of peace that I was content with myself and my life exactly as it was. When I sat in that chair across from my counselor and was asked, What is your therapeutic objective? My answer was, "I want to be me. I want to do what I want to do and not care what anyone else thinks." I wanted to be free of the bondage I placed on myself all those years. The bondage of trying to make everyone else happy (and by the way nobody asked me to make them happy). I just took it upon myself as my sole purpose to ensure everyone around me was happy. Do you have any idea how tiresome and utterly impossible the task was that I had set before myself?

I was ready to let all that go. I was in tears. I was fed up with myself and I had been preparing myself for a life changing shift. I just wasn't sure how to let go of the fear and the doubt. It was HEAVY and nobody really knew how badly I was suffering, because I carried it all inside of me. I think Keri began to understand because there were so many tearful uncomfortable conversations. I didn't really want to burden anyone with my internal suffering, I wanted everyone to be happy. I was sacrificing myself and my own happiness, but to what end? I was fed up with not feeling free, plus my attempts to make others happy were failing.

Today as I am writing this very blog the song One Moment in Time by Whitney Houston came on and I had to stop typing because tears of joy were pouring down my face and blurring my vision. I raised my arms above me and cried glorious tears of joy as Whitney belted out these words, "I broke my heart, fought for every gain, to taste the sweet, I face the pain, I rise and fall, Yet through it all, This much remains, I want one moment in time, When I'm more than I thought I could be, When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away, and the answers are all up to me, give me one moment in time, when I'm racing with destiny, then in that one moment of time. I will feel eternity."

There could not have been more perfect words being sung into my ears as I wrote about my transformation. With my arms reaching for the ceiling, head tilted back, face looking straight up, tears streaming down my face and filling my ears. I repeatedly said aloud, Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I got my moment in time and I am reliving that moment over and over and over again. I never get tired of being me and feeling totally free. It IS all up to me and it feels too damn good not to allow anything else to creep in and taint my wonderful mood. And that my friend is the value of vulnerability.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="320"] You can't see them in this drawing, but there were tears of joy. You're just going to have to trust me.[/caption]