Butter and Honey on a Biscuit

Keri and I went to one of our favorite breakfast places one day this past weekend, The Cricket Cafe on Belmont. We have been going there for years. Christine, the manager and the gal who has chatted us up and served us breakfast for many years asked us what we were doing this weekend and I said, "Remember when you used to ask us that and we'd say something about taking Garrison to his basketball or soccer game?". She did remember that and we chatted about getting older and how fast time goes by. Then she asked about Waffles. We looked at each other and didn't really say anything and then looked at her and she knew.

She said, "Oh my gosh what happened? When?". And that is when I defer to Keri, because I would rather have her answer in a way that suits her comfort level. Let's be honest, Keri was the preferred puppy momma and when Waffles was growing up I still had Garrison to raise, so my focus was more on him and naturally Keri's was more on Waffles. I was the preferred boy momma. We both shared in raising both boys, but there's no doubt about what we all know. I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing this if we weren't all in the know and completely ok with this description.

There is no doubt that Waffles was integral in my process of allowing Garrison to move away when he was 16. Waffles was there for me on all those days when I missed my boy and longed to wrap my arms around him. It was not the same as hugging Garrison, but it definitely was of great comfort. I remember coming home after seeing a teenage boy walking down Hall Blvd with his bike in the pouring rain. I was crying and Waffles greeted me at the door with such love and no questions. I knew Garrison was not here, but I still double checked for a while every time I drove passed a teenaged boy walking. My heart wanted so badly for one of those boys to be Garrison, so I could just pull over and say, Hey son jump in the car Momma will take you home.

Then I had to laugh when I thought about actually doing that to some poor unsuspecting teenaged boy. No, I never did it, but just the thought of it did make me smile instead of cry. Ya wanna know what else is funny? This blog was going to be about butter and honey on a biscuit. I guess I'm still processing feelings about Waffles and so it seems, Garrison too. It's getting better.

Process of Healing

I can not lie and I have to admit that when I got home from work last week, I looked for Waffles. I looked for him every time I got out of bed, so I wouldn't step on him. I think about him every time I open a baby bell cheese or anything else that crinkles, like seaweed snacks, potato chips and crackers. I think about him when I drive past places we walked which was all over the place, because he liked to sniff out new places and he enjoyed seeing new paths. So, we took him everywhere.

I had been keeping all of this to myself because I didn't want to upset Keri. I wondered if sharing these things with her would be upsetting or comforting? The thing is it seems I loved that Waffles Bear more than I realized. It seems like I would know how much I love him, but loosing him makes it very clear and it hurts sometimes to talk about him and I don't wanna hurt. I have a feeling that Keri doesn't want to hurt anymore either, because I noticed one day last week that she had taken all but one of his pictures off the fridge.

The house feels so different without his bed at the base of my chair, without his food bowls in the kitchen, without his couch covered in his blanket and no babies strewn about the floor. I do miss him so very much and with tears in my eyes, a lump in my throat and an ache in my heart I know with every fiber of my being that he is in a much better place. I know he has relief from the body that was failing him. His eyes were sharp and clear until the last hours of his life. He was tired and his body could no longer do the things he loved so much.

I did talk to Keri about my feelings and these tugs on my heart and it turned out to be of comfort to her. She told me I didn't have to be the strong one and we both are going through this process. We are graciously allowing each other the space we need to process in our own ways.

Why is letting go so hard sometimes? Part 2 of 3

If everything happens for a reason, what was the purpose of that living hell?

To teach me to let go and I did. I am grateful for learning that lesson.

The truly sad part of all of that was for Keri and Karen, both robbed of relationships with each other. The even more tragic part of this, now, is that any hope of a chance is gone. Sadly, Karen passed away in August 2012.

Keri got the call from her sister it was time to make the trip. Keri looked at me after explaining the situation and said, I want you to go with me. Which seems like the logical thing, right? But I think the last time I went to one of Keri's family functions prior to this was Thanksgiving 1995. I remember because her grandpa was still alive and he leaned in to me as glanced over to Keri and said, She's a good girl. Take good care of her. I would do anything for my baby.

We walked into Karen's hospital room and with out a beat, as if it were nothing at all Kirsten, Keri's sister, came over to us and hugged Keri and then hugged me. She and her fiancé at the time, now husband, Kelly, rather quickly updated us on Karen's status. It was totally and completely surreal standing there in that hospital room with Keri.

It felt so bizarre to be there in the most fragile moments of this woman's life. I, for so many years, wanted so badly to be in the same room with her to have a chance to know her, love her and hug her and here I was standing there looking at her silently wondering why we couldn't have shared Keri in our lives.

There was a moment when Keri and Kirsten were called out into the hall to talk to the doctor and I was left alone with Karen. I was looking at her and these words just started flowing out of my mouth, "I just want you to know that with every fiber of my being I love your daughter and I am sorry you and I never had a chance to get to know each other, but what ever it was that kept us from knowing each other, I let it go a long time ago. I want you to know peace."

It was the weirdest thing ever having this very personal one sided conversation with this woman I barely knew. These were not my words, there was no way I could have been that poised in that given moment. I was confused and felt like what the hell am I doing here this woman wanted nothing to do with me. Why am I standing here with you right now? I really was just a little bit nervous that she might open her eyes and wonder what the hell I was doing there.

I guess everything does happen for a reason and the reason I was standing there with her all alone was to provide an opportunity for release. Who know's what that moment provided for Karen, but my hope is that for a moment in time the essence of our beings swirled around together, smiled at each other, embraced each other and dissolved all the unknowns, the fears and resistance. All I know is I have peace in my heart and the most wonderful parting gift I have EVER been given.

Amazing realizations

I don't know how other people see people, but what I see when I am looking at people is their essence. I don't know exactly how or why I have this particular sensitivity, but I really love it. I can see lighthearted true joy reverberating out of someones soul. I can see the beauty in them that they often are too self conscious to let shine.

The down side, if you can imagine such a thing, is I can also see pain and anguish buried beneth a smile. I can feel other's sadness and I have a sense of the effort they put into masking their sadness and inner torment. Though I love being able to see the beauty and essence of people, being able to see the other can be very heavy if I allow it to be. I have to be very careful not to take on the responsiblity of healing or rescuing. That has been very challenging for me in the past and a life long struggle to release.

I'd like to think that the amazing healing powers of human touch could take a bit of that pain and anguish away, even if only for a moment. I love to wrap my arms around someone and hold them in a warm loving embrace. I love giving life affirming hugs and to be able to feel people let go a little of the tightness they feel in their bodies from carring the burden of the world on their shoulders. I like to place my hand on the shoulder of someone that needs a little boost. I, so often, wish that I could take some of my good loving feelings and give injections or drape peope with a cloak of love and healing.

I guess if it were that easy and I could resolve all the problems of the world what would we do then? With out all the drama of heart break, hurt feelings, anger and resentment? OH! I KNOW!!!! We could have a big'ol happy World Party. I like the idea of a World Party rather than a World War. We could put all the money we would spend on military efforts and weapons and put it towards our World Party,..... Man!!! What a party that would be, eh? Dancing, laughing, sharing, hugging, laughing. Oh, I already said laughing. Oh well, there can never be too much laughing.

We, ALL, could be our true selves, simply allowing each other to be what ever we felt was best for ourselves and all the people would feel love and acceptance. What a wonderful image,... We all want to be loved and accepted and if we would just open our eyes we could see that there is plenty of love to go around.

Let's all vow to take a moment the next time we feel upset, sad, rejected, angry or disappointed to take a look at all the people around us that love us and consider what they might be dealing with that may hinder them from meeting our expectations of who we "think" they should be and simply, let. that. go. Let go of our expectations of others. Let go of our hurt. Just let it all go and in that moment, take a look within ourselves. Maybe instead of holding someone else responsible for what THEY "did to us" we can raise ourselves up to BE the person we expect others to be, because the only thing we have control over anyway, is ourselves. Our actions and reactions, our ablity to hang on to somethig or let it go. This way the only person we have to blame or hold accountable for our let downs is oursleves,..... What an AMAZING and POWERFUL discovery!!!!

Absolutely everything we need is right there within us. Our essecene is plenty to meet all of our needs. Our essence comes from the Ultimate Creative Source and what more could we possibly need? Starting right here and starting right now, I relieve you ALL of the responsibilty to make me happy. I got this. And as a favor to myself I am also relieving myself of the responsibility to make you happy. Only YOU can make YOU happy and you can start right this very instant.

What are you waiting for????

Grappling? Let it go.

Have you ever been holding on to an idea or a possibility in your mind that just kept replaying over and over that didn't really make you feel very good? A "what if" situation,... I don't like to "what if" negative situations. It feels much better to me to think about "what if" situations that make me feel good. What if Apozitude gets selected to become a published book, what if my Apozitude book goes to the New York best sellers list, what if the interest in Apozitude generates an interest in the children's story that I wrote, there are so many fun things to what if.

To be real honest with you though, I don't just "what if" these things, I actually walk through scenarios in my mind. I get a letter in the mail inviting me to start the process of turning this blog into a book, I sit in a publishers office and discuss the details, I mention my children's story and the potential for a series, I go to book signings. In my mind it is already happening!!!! It is very exciting!

However, if you aren't in the habit of placing yourself in positive "what if" situations, it can seem a little simple minded and silly, but I don't really care how it seems, ya know? It makes me feel good and that is important to me. So, I do it.

I'm not saying that I don't struggle with worry or fear and that my life is always happy sunshine and rainbows. No, I'm not. I grapple with my own set of hang ups, but I don't let it ruin my whole day. I may have to ponder it for a bit, let it go and get happy and then pick it up again and ponder it some more, but I do always end on happy.

So, I have my tricks and my tools at the ready for quick access. One of these tricks about letting go of something that keeps coming up and keeps you tethered to a negative feeling is to actually write it down on piece of paper. Put all of the energy that you have in your body and in your mind about that negative feeling or situation into the writing or just mentally onto that piece of paper, which ever feels more powerful. It can get ugly sometimes, but just mentally vomit it all up and put it on the paper. It's ok to get emotional, it can be part of the process. Then once you have it all on the piece of paper, pick it up and wad it into a ball and hold it in the palm of your hand. Take a deep breath and look at that wad of paper in your open hand and know that there is no wrong way to to this. You can do it as many times as you need to, but look at that piece of paper with all that negative energy balled up into a piece of trash sitting there in the palm of your hand, then turn your hand over and let it go. It feels so good to let all of that energy go, you might be tempted to pick it up and do it again.

Like I said before there is no wrong way to do this, so if you want to pick up all that negativity again just to feel the joy of letting it go, go for it! Nobody is watching and this is your process. There is no judgement here. Please remember though, you could enjoy the moment of peace you just created for yourself. Something else will come along that will provide another opportunity to practice this exercise and you just got happy, so let's end on happy. Whadaya' say?

Let them go

Even when you love someone with ALL your heart, you have to let them go. Even if you fear for what may happen to them or to you, when you let them go, you have to just, Let. Them. Go. You'll never know how you will do letting them go, or how they will do because holding on can keep them stuck and can keep you stuck. So, for the sake of setting them free and for the sake of self preservation, Let Them Go!!!

It can be hard I know, but the really cool thing that happens when you let go is you realize you have more time to focus on yourself. Having more time for yourself can be truly amazing and it can be kinda scary, but believe me when you let go of someone that you love it feels really amazing. The burden of making sure they are ok, checking in on them, driving yourself crazy with the impossible task of trying to make sure they are always happy. Sometimes you just have to draw a line in the sand and say I'm done taking care of you. It's your turn! You do it how you want to do it, I'm tired and I wanna take care of me. I deserve the best care I can provide for myself. So, Quit fucking hogging it all up you jack ass!!!! Oops! Did I type that? See? I just got rid of some resentment. I let it go.

Man! That feels good!!!!!