Why is letting go so hard sometimes? Part 2 of 3

If everything happens for a reason, what was the purpose of that living hell?

To teach me to let go and I did. I am grateful for learning that lesson.

The truly sad part of all of that was for Keri and Karen, both robbed of relationships with each other. The even more tragic part of this, now, is that any hope of a chance is gone. Sadly, Karen passed away in August 2012.

Keri got the call from her sister it was time to make the trip. Keri looked at me after explaining the situation and said, I want you to go with me. Which seems like the logical thing, right? But I think the last time I went to one of Keri's family functions prior to this was Thanksgiving 1995. I remember because her grandpa was still alive and he leaned in to me as glanced over to Keri and said, She's a good girl. Take good care of her. I would do anything for my baby.

We walked into Karen's hospital room and with out a beat, as if it were nothing at all Kirsten, Keri's sister, came over to us and hugged Keri and then hugged me. She and her fiancé at the time, now husband, Kelly, rather quickly updated us on Karen's status. It was totally and completely surreal standing there in that hospital room with Keri.

It felt so bizarre to be there in the most fragile moments of this woman's life. I, for so many years, wanted so badly to be in the same room with her to have a chance to know her, love her and hug her and here I was standing there looking at her silently wondering why we couldn't have shared Keri in our lives.

There was a moment when Keri and Kirsten were called out into the hall to talk to the doctor and I was left alone with Karen. I was looking at her and these words just started flowing out of my mouth, "I just want you to know that with every fiber of my being I love your daughter and I am sorry you and I never had a chance to get to know each other, but what ever it was that kept us from knowing each other, I let it go a long time ago. I want you to know peace."

It was the weirdest thing ever having this very personal one sided conversation with this woman I barely knew. These were not my words, there was no way I could have been that poised in that given moment. I was confused and felt like what the hell am I doing here this woman wanted nothing to do with me. Why am I standing here with you right now? I really was just a little bit nervous that she might open her eyes and wonder what the hell I was doing there.

I guess everything does happen for a reason and the reason I was standing there with her all alone was to provide an opportunity for release. Who know's what that moment provided for Karen, but my hope is that for a moment in time the essence of our beings swirled around together, smiled at each other, embraced each other and dissolved all the unknowns, the fears and resistance. All I know is I have peace in my heart and the most wonderful parting gift I have EVER been given.

What's the purpose? Part 1 of 3

You know how "they" always say, everything happens for a reason? and you're taking a look at your life and you think what's the fuckin' purpose of this living hell?

I know you have, we all have. When you're in the middle of something like that though it just seems like such an injustice and you ask yourself why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this bullshit?

I'm not exactly sure where this story really begins, so I'll start from my perception of the beginning.

About 19 years ago a very intriguing woman walked into my life and I knew from the moment I laid eyes on her that we would share something special. It wasn't really a conscious thought. It was just a knowing that I felt. It was as if time had stopped for a few moments and there was a quiet little voice, too small to even really hear, that said to me, "Take in this moment, you'll remember it for the rest of your life". So, I did and I remember exactly what she was wearing, how her hair was styled and where I was sitting. It was like the switch of a very warm fuzzy light was turned on inside me.

It was only a matter of months until we started dating. Before I knew it I was falling in love with her. I was nervous though that she might not be ready for those three little words. Standing and hugging each other in the kitchen of her apartment, I quietly asked her to highlight this moment in pink and green so that when I referenced it later she would know the exact moment I was talking about. To this day we still say pink and green to each other to say I love you. Keri and I will be together 19 years this coming October.

By this time you might be scratching your head and wondering how this sweet little love story leads me to ask myself, What did I do to deserve this bullshit?

Well, I'm just about to tell you. I was and still am very much in love with Keri. I was excited to begin our lives together and I wanted everyone to know how happy we were together in our new relationship. We had been to visit her mom a couple of times and the feelings of hiding what we were becoming to each other were quite uncomfortable. I felt like I couldn't just reach out and hold the hand of the woman I loved. I couldn't be true to myself and neither could she. I took it personal at first, like Keri was embarrassed to be with me. It was hurtful and I didn't understand.

If she loved me so much why wouldn't she be happy and proud to tell anyone, everyone. I grew tired of the question, so, how's your friend? It seemed like such a slap in the face for what we were feeling for each other. Keri began to feel it too and we decided it was time to come out of the closet and let everyone know. This meant telling her mom.


I remember that day so well. We drove up to Tulsa from Oklahoma City and I stayed the day with our friend Andrea while Keri went to her mom's to have the "Yes, I'm gay" talk. We didn't have cell phones then, so there were no texts updating me on the situation and I was a nervous wreck. Even as I sit here now writing about it, I can feel the knots in my stomach and the dryness in my mouth. Crazy.

Between Keri and her mom, there were years of disagreements, feelings of abandonment and disrespect, lack of acceptance, feelings like we were "throwing our relationship in her face", and resistance that felt from our end like, What did we do to deserve this bull shit, which I'm sure was felt by her mom as well.

Granted, I never had an opportunity to get to know Keri's mom (Karen) and what I have learned about her over the last 18 years has been through the eyes of a person that has felt completely rejected by her mother. I've never spoken to Karen about any of this to hear her side of the story, but I always really wanted to. I wanted desperately to be a part of the family of the woman I love so dearly. I have felt very sad over the years that I was robbed of having a "mother-in-law" and all the other family members too. It felt so unfair. I thought if Karen would just give me a chance she would love me. I was trying to make sense of it by talking it out with Keri and mulling it over.

One day Keri asked me if I could just stop because every time I tried to figure out why Karen couldn't accept me it only reminded her that her mom wasn't accepting her either. It was crystal clear to me in that moment that this was never about me and I dropped it. I let it go.

Everything happens for a reason. Yes, even bull shit.

I learned to let go.

I learn something new everyday

Some times when I feel like I am learning something new, I am actually learning a new aspect of something I already knew. Take acceptance for example, I have known that "acceptance is the key" for a little while now. In fact a few years back I had a skeleton key tattooed on my inner bicep with a banner across it that reads, Acceptance.

That tattoo came about because of a big lesson in acceptance. I was having really bad back pain for several years. I had chiropractic adjustments, massages, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, physical therapy, Epsom salt soaks and Reiki treatments and none of this resolved my back pain. The pain peaked when I was 40, and there were times it was putting me on my hands and knees with tears running down my face. I tried meditation during which I asked myself, "What am I supposed to learn from this? Why am I in such pain? What is the purpose?"

Acceptance was the answer that came to me.

So, I accepted the pain and found a doctor in Feb 2010 that recommend lots of alternatives for addressing the back pain, but 1st wanted to order an ultrasound of my pelvic because she noticed a swelling in my abdomen. March 2010 I was on the operating table of my newly recommended gynecologist. I was having the largest specimen of a uterus that she'd ever seen removed due to benign fibroids. It took 3 surgeons twice the time my gynecologist thought it was going to take her and her assistant to remove "the rather large specimen". I read that a typical uterus is 60-80 grams and mine was 500 grams. Yes, 500 grams.

So, think about being 6-7 months pregnant for 10 years. What a pain!!!

It wasn't until I accepted the pain that I was able to find the path beyond the pain. So, I know that acceptance is the key, but I still find myself in situations that seem like I haven't really learned it yet.

So, I guess my question now is what door does this key of acceptance open? If I am aware that acceptance is the key why do I continue to find myself in situations in which I need to accept something? Is acceptance as a key just a tool that we use over and over? Maybe that's it!!!

It's not really that I haven't learned that acceptance is the key, it's just that now that I am aware of the tool I need to master the skill of using acceptance as a tool. I can accept that.