Going LIVE in,...3, 2, 1!!!

I just want to take a moment to share some real feelings I have had over the last few days. Not to imply that I am usually not sharing real feelings in here, but I had a slight little scare. As you probably know if you're an avid reader, Keri and I went to NYC for a week recently and I know I have made my feelings clear about NYC, but I want to bring it full circle.

We got home on Thursday Oct. 16th and by Sunday Oct. 19th I was still wiped out from my NYC experience. I was so tired and sort of felt like I had lost my luster a bit. I was writing for my blog to post for the upcoming week and I was not feeling motivated or inspired. I had a fleeting fearful thought, Could I be done writing Apozitude? I just am not feeling the usual zest and passion I usually feel. I felt like I was writing CRAP.

It felt like I was only giving 3%, but my energy level was ZAPPED!!! I was not liking how NYC MADE me feel. I talked to Keri about my feelings of doubt and she helped me see things a little clearer. Now it is Wednesday Oct. 22 and I have had some time to get back into my routine. I started working out and meditating again. It is amazing how a slight shift can throw you totally off your axis and send you swirling out of control and doubting your true path.

I am feeling like I have regained my balance and I am pleased to announce that I am grateful for the time I spent in NYC. Being home and reflecting on the wonderful experiences we had creates appreciation and gratitude. I love my life. I love exploring and I love being home.

Silence, meditation and time to myself, my true self, resuscitated Apozitude. And we're on again. Thank you.

New York City is not the City for Me

️We had a blast in NYC last week. Our first morning there we went to a bagel shop, Bagels on the Square, where we got the local treatment of being yelled at by the staff. You better well know what the hell you want when you walk into that place, at least that's how I interpreted their behavior. I knew I had been wanting to try cream cheese and lox, but they probably had 30 or so different kinds of cream cheese to choose from and I didn't even get a chance to look at them all. It was a little off putting, but the bagel was very good. I ordered an everything bagel (my go to bagel) with cream cheese and lox, not toasted. It was very yummy. I told Keri, I'd have that again.

We got "kauffee" (pronounced in a NY accent) around the corner from our apartment, not Stump Town, but it was good. As we waited for our kauffee that first morning a bunch of little kids were rushing off to school and one of them popped into the little shop we were in and bought himself a danish. He wasn't more than 6 or 7 years old and he walked into that coffee shop with a 20, ordered his danish, got his change, placed a tip in the jar and ran off to school. It was so cute. He had dark curly hair and his curls were a little bigger than nickel sized. He had cute little rubber toed tennis shoes on with a little back pack.

As I observed him, I naturally thought about my son, Garrison, and the difference growing up in a city with 8.4 million (NYC) has on kids versus growing up in a city with 609,000 (Portland). That's a huge difference. I got a little curious when I looked at those numbers and looked up Manhattan, Portland, Oklahoma City and Poteau, OK. For those of you that don't know, Poteau, Oklahoma is where Garrison currently lives.

Here is what I found:
Manhattan has 1.6 million people in a 33.77 sq. mile area,
Portland has 609,500 people in a 145.1 sq. mile area,
OKC (where I grew up) has 610,600 people in 621 sq. mile area,
Poteau, OK has 8,590 people in a 31.7 sq. mile area.

I'm not usually a numbers person, but those are some pretty impressive differences. What I learned about myself in the time I spent in New York is, it's not the city for me. It seems like you have to try harder to attain peace with that many people in such a small space. I don't know about you, but I much prefer the path of least resistance to a sense of peace.

You know it feels sooo good,...

I want to write a little more about clarity. Clarity is very very quickly becoming one of my favorite subjects. Wouldn't it be cool if clarity were a subject that was offered in schools? Hi Johnny what's your favorite subject in school this year? A first grader responds,... Clarity. WOW!!! There's some powerful imagery flowing through my brain right now. That is definitely subject and course of study I would support,... Let me rephrase,... Clarity is definitely a subject and course of study that I DO support and foster.

I am a student of clarity, a teacher of clarity and an observer of clarity even. I AM CLARITY. I have never felt it stronger than I am feeling it right this very second as my fingers are dancing back and forth across this keyboard and creating words on a screen that will create even more clarity as the words are scanned by all of the eyes of the people who are ready to receive the clarity.

When you are in the realm of clarity,... you know what you KNOW and you know what you WANT. When you are feeling the POWER of clarity and it is a strong flowing energy. You know,... You have felt it before. So, you know when you feel that powerfully clear feeling that you are where you are and it is the absolute perfect place for you to be. Things just seem to line up for you, as if you were sitting at an all-inclusive, 100% paid in full, buffet of all your wanted things. Yippee!!!

I announced to Keri in the car on our way to the coast this weekend that I was looking for a piece of wood. I said I am letting you know so you can keep your eye out and help me find this piece of wood. So, I described this piece of wood, I want it to be raw and natural. I want the bark to be intact. I'd like it to be big enough to have six rocks laying on top of it. I wanted it to be like slicing off a section of a log so kinda like a wooden disk with bark all the way around the outer edge.

I swear to my clarity that within 48 hours of speaking that aloud, I was walking away from a small town Farmer's Market with said piece of wood in my hand. It was gifted to me from one of the vendors who used the wood as a base for her small, seemingly, hand crafted clay pots in which she planted the cutest little succulent plants. I asked if she sold these pieces of wood and she replied simply, no. I clarified, Could I pay you for this piece of wood and she said, "Oh, no. I have this stuff laying all over the place you can have it."

Just for the sake of clarity let me state that my mantra for this whole weekend has been something we were asked at the opening of the Abraham-Hicks seminar we attended last weekend: Are you knowing what you are wanting? YES!

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="1024"] This is proof, not that I needed proof, but there it is for any of you that did need it. :)[/caption]

Where's my cape???

Clarity never ceases to feel utterly amazing!!! It's like when you are worried or nervous or anything else that is not ringing true with feelings of happiness, you're not connected to the Ultimate Creative Source. You've jumped out of the stream and it doesn't feel good. Just as soon as you get your thoughts right or you trust the knowing you are back in the stream, floating down stream.

When you allow it to just BE and trust that doing what feels best to you, all is well. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says because you are being true to yourself. I am allowing myself to be true to myself and I am grateful for the growth. I am grateful for the clarity.

I read in my journal an entry I wrote in August 2008 about an interview with David Lynch in UTNE magazine and I really like the advice section of that interview, so much so that I'm going to share it here. "Stay true to yourself. Let your voice ring out, and don't let anybody fiddle with it. Never turn down a good idea, but never take a bad idea. And meditate. It's very important to experience that self, that pure consciousness. It really helped me. I think it would help any film maker (anybody). So, start diving within, enlivening that bliss consciousness, Grow in happiness and intuition. Experience the joy of doing, and you'll grow in this peaceful way. Everyone will want to sit next to you. And people will give you money" - Lynch

This is great advice!!! I love it!!! Last week when I had a heavy bull shit day, I took some time at lunch to do some purposeful breathing and meditation. I felt so much better afterwards. I sorta' felt floaty. It was amazing to be feeling that way after allowing myself to get amped up by reacting to others egos.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="300"] Image provided by www.connectedwebsolutions.com[/caption]

I don't have any control others ego, fear, worry, etc., but I do have control of my reaction. It's easy to be in control of myself. I am allowing myself to remain calm in the middle of a storm. The thing that keeps me anchored is the purposeful breathing. A tornado of emotion could come spinning into my reality and all I have to do is allow it to be whatever it feels it needs to be and I remain calm and deal with the facts. I have the super human ability to dissolve BULL SHIT.

You should check out that boat,...

Have you ever known a person that would just blurt out some random comment? It's kinda like they are having a conversation with themselves in their mind and as if you can hear all of what's going on in their brain, they just blurt out some random comment. You look at them with a very confused look on your face and your thinking, What the hell are you talking about?

The funny thing about this is, I actually know a few people that do this and it seems very perplexing, especially when you are not very familiar with the person.

However, I happen to be one of these people, as well as my mom and my son. Usually, when it's my mom that just blurts out a random comment, I somehow know what she's talking about, and we always burst out in laughter. I guess it's because we know each other so well, we both know that she has just done this thing that nobody else would understand, but for some strange reason, even without being able to read her mind, I know exactly what she's talking about.

It has happened with Garrison as well. I'm not sure if it's me that's acutely in tune with my mom and son or if we all share this connection. Many times with Garrison, even though I have known what he was talking about, I've acted like I didn't, in an effort to sort of train him to be more aware of his communication style. I don't know if it helped or not, but that is what I thought was best. It was sort of like explaining to him as he was growing up what kind of expectations might be out in the world. I know his heart and his intentions, but a potential boss or girlfriend might not have this knowing and understanding of him. I tried to teach him and encourage him to be very clear with his communication. I have to admit it feels like I didn't get the message across, but then again maybe I did and he's just doing the best that he can with his current level of awareness and his particular set of challenges.

It's funny how I can start writing about some random thing and it turns into a post about something completely different. I have tons and tons of love for my son, but very little understanding. What I am ever grateful for regarding Garrison, is the knowing I have in my heart and the very depths of my soul that he will be just fine, whether I understand him or not.

However, regarding "that boat" in the title, I still remain utterly and completely clueless.

I am not right and you are not wrong

I am not really sure how to start this, but I'm going to give it my best shot because I believe it's a point worthy of acknowledging or at least contemplating.

When something is not right in our reality and we have an awareness of this "not rightness" why do we let it linger? Why do we allow our "not rightness" to hang around and torture us emotionally?

It seems like if something doesn't feel right and you are aware of it, then why not attempt to process it and make it right?

I guess what it boils down to is every one has a different perspective and a different way of processing. Clarity from the outside is so much easier than when you are actually dealing with the personal emotions of the "not rightness".

I have some "not rightness" in my awareness. I really want it to be right, but its hard and scary sometimes. I guess the whole point of this was to help me realize that just because it is so easy and clear for ME to see what changes YOU could make to right your "not rightness" doesn't mean its right for you, because I don't have your emotional connection to your "not rightness". So, I have my perspective and you have yours. That does not make me right and you wrong.

I am just going to give what I would like to receive and that is understanding that I am doing the best I can with the tools, skills and awareness that I currently have and I give a damn about myself enough to keep searching and trying to improve myself.

The only confirmation that I need is the knowing I have in my heart that I am growing and changing.

Clarified expectations

I was in the checkout line at the grocery store the other day when the friendly person at the checkout stand proceeded to give the customer in front of me a long row of stickers.

To be clear, I guess I should say the stickers were actually given to "the daughter" of the customer and she was probably about 12 years old.

As I watched that beautiful row of stickers, seemingly in slow motion, being pulled off the roll and generously being handed out, I wondered to myself, "will she give me that many stickers"?

Then, as if given a little nudge, I said to the checker person, "Oh, I just want you to know, that I have expectations now". We shared a good little laugh.

The mother and daughter in front of us got their groceries and stickers and off they went. Now, our groceries were being rung up. We were chatting with a little jokiness in our voices about how valuable a skill it is to know how to clarify our expectations. And what do you know, but when we were done she pulled off a whole row of stickers just for me.

It's delightfully simple and amazing when you know what you want and have the courage to actually voice it, that it comes to you as simply as a beautiful row of stickers.

It is my intention to slow down my mind and carefully consider what I want and effortlessly clarify my expectations.

It's like Joe Jackson sings, you can't get what you want, 'til you know what you want.