Worthy of Sharing

I posted a meme to my Facebook the other day and I don't post meme's very often. My experience has been when I see a barrage of those well intended messages and read one after another they become less significant.

This one seemed worth reposting. I'll share it with you now.

The "More"

Just in case you were wondering, the answer is YES, there is more to that Don't Frazzle my Dazzle story. There is always more to the story. This time, I think the "more" is important to share. So, why didn't I share it in the original blog? To be completely honest the "more" to that story threw me for a loop yesterday and I was pretty well exhausted when I wrote the original version last night, BUT this morning, after a couple slight adjustments I am feeling a resurgence of dazzle.

I knew when I wrote that blog last night that I wanted to share the "more" because I led out with,"I think it's important to share these experiences,....", but I also knew I had to respect the space that I was in and honor my true self by holding back for the moment. I am so glad I waited to share that portion of the story, because I am in a much clearer space and I have some insight now that I didn't have last night.

So, the rest of the story is that, as I was talking to one of my favorite patients, I actually told him that I was grateful to be spending that moment with him because I was anticipating the arrival of a person who I've had several negative encounters with in the past. Which is true and I won't go into specifics because it doesn't create good feelings in me to do so and I care enough about how I feel to leave it in the past.

HOLY COW!!!

Paradigm shift!!!

I just realized that as I am retelling this story I noted in the previous paragraph that I care enough about how I feel to leave the details in the past. However, it seems the retelling of this story reveals that I could care a little more, otherwise, I wouldn't have carried those feelings from the past regarding the negative encounters person to my experience yesterday. So, why is it ok to write about it now?

The determining factor in all cases when you are retelling a story is how does it make you feel? Does it feel good? Does it make you feel alive? Does it feel icky? Does it insight anger as you retell it? If it feels good? Tell it! Talk about why it feels good. Really feel the good and more of those experiences will come to you. Same things goes for the icky and the angry, though too, when you retell it and really feel those feelings again more of "THAT" it will come to you. You have amazing magical powers, be sure you're using them with intention.

Does it feel good to admit that I was judging a man for his past behaviors? No, not one of my prouder moments, but how do I feel telling you about it? I feel amazing because I learned something about myself. I learned that I am pretty good at having control of myself when I am dealing with myself. Being aware of controlling what I say and do and how it makes me feel. However, it seems more practice is in order when dealing with people and situations that are out of my control, which to be honest is MOST things, right? And ALL people.

Erase the past by letting it go. It doesn't feel good to hold on to it anyway. Just let it go. Free up your hands to take ahold of the reins and harness that positive emotion to create a brighter tomorrow. I am a happy person. I am a spreader of love and joy. I have a strong desire to encounter people and for them to depart feeling better having seen me.

Changing and yet, some how staying the same

I just want to be clear about this girlie side of myself that I have been exploring. I do love it. I really do, but I have to say it can be really frustrating sometimes, because at 44, it sorta' feels like I should be more practiced at styling my hair and applying make up, which by the way I don't do yet. I bought some make up and I've tried it a couple of times, but it feels very awkward. I don't wanna walk out of the house looking like a three-year old who's been playing with her mommy's make up.

So, I try, every now and again with the eye shadow and then I shake my head at myself in the mirror and remove it. I feel I am doing well to fix my hair and wear a little lipstick. Even that frustrates me sometimes, because my hair,... Ugh, my hair. It's getting longer and I just don't know what I am going to do. Honestly, on the weekend I mostly wear a ball-cap. I've been trying scarves and pins and it just gets to be too much sometimes.

I appreciate the space Keri provides for me to explore. I appreciate her support and her efforts to help me come up with solutions to my hair troubles. She's even purchased some girlie t-shirts for me. She's very sweet. I appreciate her sense of humor when I come home with a 90's hip hop hairdo. I appreciate my best friend, Shanna, helping me transform my awful 70's feathered hair style into a 90's hip hop look. I appreciate her encouraging me to get little flowers painted on my toe nails, which I wouldn't have even thought to do and resisted at first, but now I love it.

What I appreciate most is the love I have around me and the fact that I am loved just the way I am whether I decide make-up is for me or not, I am who I am and no outward appearance is going to change that little factoid.

I find it interesting that as I am writing this and listening to my iTunes on shuffle that, Just the Way You Are by Billy Joel comes on. It is so fitting that I have placed it on repeat, but I think it's important to emphasize that I didn't choose it to begin with, it just came on in a random shuffle. Every single thing happens on purpose. I totally believe it.

I just want someone that I can talk to,
I want you just the way you are.

I said, I love you, and that's forever.
This I promise from the heart.
I couldn't love you any better,
I love you just the way you are.

Thank you. Love abounds.

The Value of Vulnerability

I don't know how any of you feel about counseling, but I LOVE IT!!! Except when I hate it, she said with a smile on her face because she was on the "loving" side of it. However, I could not be on the loving side of it IF I didn't deliberately work through the hating it part of it. The hating part comes from addressing deep fears and exposing the very vulnerable parts of yourself. It can be very scary and emotional. It's a process, and I really really wanted to feel better. I am diligent in my efforts to feel better. The more I focus on what makes me feel better, the easier it gets, and the easier it gets, the better I feel, and the better I feel the easier it gets. I know it sounds far too simple, but I don't really know how to explain it any clearer.

I started counseling in January 2014 for about the 17th time in my life. Seriously! I honestly just went and wrote down all the times in my life that I could remember that I've been through some kind of therapy to help me find my authentic self. Some being traditional, some work shops, some hypnosis, some church and that doesn't even include all the self-help books I've torn through over the years and all the meditation and other forms of healing I've been through in pursuit of a sense of peace within myself.

All I ever wanted was to be true to myself and feel a sense of peace that I was content with myself and my life exactly as it was. When I sat in that chair across from my counselor and was asked, What is your therapeutic objective? My answer was, "I want to be me. I want to do what I want to do and not care what anyone else thinks." I wanted to be free of the bondage I placed on myself all those years. The bondage of trying to make everyone else happy (and by the way nobody asked me to make them happy). I just took it upon myself as my sole purpose to ensure everyone around me was happy. Do you have any idea how tiresome and utterly impossible the task was that I had set before myself?

I was ready to let all that go. I was in tears. I was fed up with myself and I had been preparing myself for a life changing shift. I just wasn't sure how to let go of the fear and the doubt. It was HEAVY and nobody really knew how badly I was suffering, because I carried it all inside of me. I think Keri began to understand because there were so many tearful uncomfortable conversations. I didn't really want to burden anyone with my internal suffering, I wanted everyone to be happy. I was sacrificing myself and my own happiness, but to what end? I was fed up with not feeling free, plus my attempts to make others happy were failing.

Today as I am writing this very blog the song One Moment in Time by Whitney Houston came on and I had to stop typing because tears of joy were pouring down my face and blurring my vision. I raised my arms above me and cried glorious tears of joy as Whitney belted out these words, "I broke my heart, fought for every gain, to taste the sweet, I face the pain, I rise and fall, Yet through it all, This much remains, I want one moment in time, When I'm more than I thought I could be, When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away, and the answers are all up to me, give me one moment in time, when I'm racing with destiny, then in that one moment of time. I will feel eternity."

There could not have been more perfect words being sung into my ears as I wrote about my transformation. With my arms reaching for the ceiling, head tilted back, face looking straight up, tears streaming down my face and filling my ears. I repeatedly said aloud, Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I got my moment in time and I am reliving that moment over and over and over again. I never get tired of being me and feeling totally free. It IS all up to me and it feels too damn good not to allow anything else to creep in and taint my wonderful mood. And that my friend is the value of vulnerability.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="320"] You can't see them in this drawing, but there were tears of joy. You're just going to have to trust me.[/caption]

Big News at Angel's house

I am totally in the groove. I feel like I just wrote one of the best blogs of my life. Yes, "Hmmm,...That's interesting" feels so right. It is amazing when you turn your cheek on negativity. I am totally loving my life and all the wonderful opportunities I am experiencing.

Last week I took Waffles in to get a CBC (complete blood check) and when I went to leave, the gal at the oncology clinic that was charging me out said, "Today will be $XX.XX" and I paused because it was more than I was expecting. Keri was told a different amount and shared with me, so I 'd know what to expect when I went to pay. I very simply said, "Oh, we were told it was going to be $ZZ.ZZ" I swear to you right here and now that there was not an ounce or even a flinch of nervousness in me. I didn't really even think about it until after I had done it. It was that easy.

In the past I would have paid whatever amount they told me, even if I knew it was wrong. I would have been real nervous about it and then go home to tell Keri and let her deal with it, BUT not today! No sir! I didn't even feel myself take a deep breath or anything I just said what I knew and as it turns out the wrong code was entered. I was about to be over charged. I am happy and amazed to report that it was nothing to me to clarify my expectation.

I LOVE GROWTH!!!! Have I said that before? It seems like I have, but let me say it again, I LOVE GROWTH!!!! I am dancing and singing with glee at how happy I am to be me right now!!!!

Let my true path be revealed. I am truely untethered and I am ready for the next big thing.

Destination - Tranformation

I feel like I have just experience a huge paradigm shift. Last week I was feeling stuck in some very old thought patterns that were not serving me at all and I felt desperately lonely. From where I am sitting now I can not even imagine that I ever felt those feelings, BUT I am so glad that I did and of course I can say that now becasue I am beyond it, but if I didn't experience it I couldn't be beyond it. I could not be on this other wonderful side of it and I can not believe how amazing it feels to just let go of those horrible feelings.

I carried them with me for a very long time and now they are gone. I love the idea of expanding beyond something that was troubling you because once you have gotten beyong it you never have to go back. Awareness is the most amazing thing ever.

I am KNOWING that I am untethered and I am very excited about the path that is revealing it's self before me. I am stepping into the very next huge thing for me and I have been refining my preferences for a while now and I am ready for the next bit to unfold.

Look out you're just about to witness and amazing transformation.

The Little Pleasures in Life

Today, my friend John Vega, introduced me to a blog I'd like to follow by Dr. Judith Orloff. John heard Dr. Orloff speak at his church today and was very impressed with her presentation. He introduced me to her as someone that teaches us how to awaken our intuition, deal with energy vampires and transform depression and anxiety. I thought that is right up my alley, so I went and checked it out.

The very first blog I read was entitled Surrender to the Miracle of Love. In the blog Dr. Orloff points out how to identify your soul mate and guess what!!! You got it!!! Keri and I are, in fact, soul mates. It's not like we needed confirmation, but there it was right there in seven bullet points.

- You feel a strong connection, comfort and sense of familiarity.
- There's a physical attraction.
- You share mutual love, commitment and support.
- You "get" each other; you're each other's biggest fans
- You are emotional mirrors and teachers for each other
- You're in synch, even telepathic
- You're willing to work through conflict, compromise and surrender unhealthy patterns to improve the relationship.

I'll take that last bullet point and add that we're willing to, not only improve our relationship, but ourselves as individuals as well. As we have grown over the years it has been a great deal of work, but for the most part we have alot of fun together.

One of the things that we are really grateful for is the fact that we travel so well together. We like similar levels of activity while on vacation, which is pretty much eating and napping, preferablly on a warm sunny beach.

Daily life can be challenging with working on our selves, our relationships and finding the balance that feels comfortable for oursleves and the people who share our lives. Finding a blog like Dr. Orloff's that offers lessons on how to awaken intuition, deal with energy vampires and transform difficult emotions will be a very valuable tool in my tool belt and hopefully will assist in making future vacations even more relaxing. A more peacful life with my soul mate will inevitablly lead to more peacful vacations.

Thank you, John Vega, for sharing.

Effective immediately!!!

Sometimes you go on an innocent little errand, such as, one day this last week when I went on my lunch break to buy a birthday present for my wife. I went to the Hair of the Dog tasting room to buy a shirt that Keri mentioned she was interested in having the last time we were there. I remembered because I noted it in my phone. I have to admit I rock at everyday little ways to make someone feel special, but when it comes to special events, like birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and Valentines day, I kinda suck. Despite what people choose to believe, the truth is, knowing is half the battle and I know that in the past I have kinda sucked at special events. Therefore, my awareness has conditioned me to make adjustments that result in improvements.

I make notes in my phone. I don't remember and I know I don't remember, so I read my notes. My notes landed me at the Hair of the Dog tasting room the day before Keri's birthday. I knew exactly what I was there to buy and I went directly to it. I was standing at the bar waiting for the waitress to come over and ask me how she could help me. There was a gentleman sitting at the bar eating lunch and the waitress was tending to other people, but when she walked over towards our end of the bar, I looked at the man sitting there and gestured towards the waitress. I said to him loud enough for her to hear, Doesn't she have beautiful eyes?

He smiled at me and said, "Yes, she does and I was thinking that earlier but just hadn't said anything." The waitress smiled as she looked over towards us and said, "I was needing something today and that was it, Thank you." I smiled back at her and looked at the guy sitting at the bar. He had his hand in the air inviting me to give him a high-five. So, I did and I said, "See it, call it. Am I right?" He agreed.

I went on my way after procuring the item I was there to retrieve. The words, see it, call it, really resonated with me. They kinda tumbled around in my brain the rest of the day. Later in the afternoon, I decided to implement these 4 words as a new policy for my life.

How could this go wrong? The only stipulation, is it will have to be approached in a mindful manner. You can't just call out everything you see. So, I decided, as with many things the aspect of being mindful is very important, but if you see someone who has an appealing attribute mention it. It will probably make their day. You know what happens when you make someone else's day? It kinda makes your day too. If you come across a situation that hurts your feelings, call it out with a mindful intention. This will only contribute to your growth and expansion.

New policy, effective immediately! See it, call it with mindful intention.

Full Spectrum of feelings

Sometimes I have no idea what to write about for this blog. I sit in front of my little iPad screen and want very badly to write something touching. Something that makes a difference in someones life and sometimes I start writing a few sentences and I don't really feel moved in particular direction. I start again, and write a couple of sentences or a paragraph and think, Damn it! Who gives a shit about this?

Well, apparently I give a shit about this, because I just keep writing. As I have said before I love writing this blog. It fills my soul with satisfaction. Knowing that people are waiting to read what I have written in hopes of getting a little lift in their day, keeps me motivated to write something meaningful.

Today I am moved to share with you the songs I heard this morning while I was eating my yummy breakfast with my wife. She made a yummy scramble, biscuits and gravy and these songs came on, all right in a row, while I was sitting across from her: Sunday Morning by Maroon 5, Your Life is Now by John Mellenkamp, Goodbye Girl covered by Rumor and Deee-Lite by Groove is in the Heart.

It is such an amazing thing to me how music can totally sweep you away and bring up feelings in you that you know are there, but the emotion in the music and the way the words are sung, just captures it so perfectly. Sunday Morning is about how nice it feels to stay in bed on a rainy Sunday and cuddle with the one you love. "Steal some covers share some skin, Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable. You twist to fit the mold that I am in. Come and rest your bones with me. My fingers trace your every outline." Love it!

I am so grateful for what I have in my life, I love to cuddle with my baby. Then, John Mellencamp's song, Your Life is Now, came on. What an excellent reminder. "This is your time here to do what you will do. Your life is now. In this undiscovered moment, Will you lift your head above the crowd? Do you believe you're a victim of a great compromise? 'Cause I believe you could change your mind and change your life." Powerful words that remind us that we have a choice. Totally empower yourself by embracing the concept that YOU HAVE A CHOICE!

Just a little reminder sung into my morning by Rumer with Goodby Girl. "Goodbye doesn't mean forever, Let me tell you that goodbye doesn't mean we'll never be together again." Honestly, there was a time that I could not listen to this song. That time was Jan. 2006. Keri and I were headed home from the airport after returning from Arizona when my dad passed away. My friend Michelle crossed my mind and the hurt that she is going through as she grieves the loss of her love. I believe when she is ready, love will find its way back into her life and it will blow her mind.

Then there's Groove is in the Heart. If you don't know this song and you love to dance, Look it up and get your ass on the dance floor. This song WILL BE played at our wedding reception. "We're going to dance. We're going to dance. We're going to dance and have some fun. I couldn't ask for another. Sing it Baby!!! Groove is in the heart. Watch out!" I could not help myself. I danced around my kitchen as I washed my dishes. Hands in the air, butt shakin' this way and that, boppin' around like I was high on life. Was I high on life? You bet I was. I love dancing!!! I felt like these songs took me on a full spectrum of feelings.

Grateful for the quite lovey moments of cuddling, knowing my life is NOW and living THIS moment to the fullest, realizing that there are always going to be times in life that are tough and very painful, but that time heals and happiness is right there when we are ready to dance, sing and celebrate life.

Life is such an amzing thing and I am so grateful to be surrounded by love.

Oh no!!! Not the F Bomb,....

Growth- whew! There is a very clear reason why there's a thing called growing pains. It hurts sometimes when you realize all the mental gymnastics you've been preforming are #1 not neccesary #2 such a waste of time and #3 fucking exhausting.

Sometimes the biggest barrier on our path is our own damn self. I am a big proponent of searching under ever rock to find whatever it is you need to find health, happiness and peace. I am ready to be ready, but I'm not quite there yet. That's the painful part. I know where I want to be and it hurts to stay where I am, but I haven't figured out how to get where I wanna be.

Right now all I know is I am ready and though I don't know HOW,................... I DO know that I CAN get there from here. Here's where the big F bomb comes into play.

FAITH

What's the purpose of it all anyway?

I am typing out this particular blog on my iPhone, the way I typed the first 5 months of my blog. All I have to say is, I must really love writing this blog, because this is a very slow and uncomfortable way of typing. One finger pecking away at a 1 X 1.5 inch (and for all you techies out there, a 215 x 320 pt) keyboard??? Really? I did this for 5 months??? I don't even wanna do it for 5 more minutes!!!

I am totally spoiled by my iPad now. I love you iPad!!! So why am I pecking away with one finger on this teeny tiny keyboard when the luxurious 9x7 (approx.) keyboard of my iPad sits lonely and yearning for my tappy (that's tapping and happy smooched together) fingers to ignite it's life's sole purpose? Well, if you must know, I'm blogging from my bath tub. That right, folks, I AM one of THOSE risk takers. Could I drop my phone into the tub??? Well, I guess I could,... BUT, I also could drop it while walking outside in the rain or into a puddle when I step out of my car,...

If I lived my life trying to protect myself from all of the "what if's", would I really be living? Me thinks, NOT!!!

I love my life and all of the delightful twists and turns the risks, chances and barriers provide. Life is for living and if you can't blog from your bathtub, what's the purpose of it all anyway???

My challenge to you today is to step outside of your comfort zone, take a chance and live all the awkward moments. You'll be surprised at how it spurs growth and expansion.

Happiness is worth the risk

A relationship is the state of being connected to another. I have found that the concept of a relationship is starkly different for some than it is for me. I actually know people that are in relationships with people that they claim to loathe. I just can not imagine living my life with someone that I didn't love and in fact, kinda hated. It is so sad. I have been in a relationship or two that really really sucked. It was not fun at all!!!! Life is too short to live "comfortably miserable". I want to be happy. I want to have fun. I want to enjoy my life. I only have one. This is it!!!! I feel like I am getting to a place in my life where I don't want to do anything that I don't want to do.

I think it has something to do with the concept of living aware. I am not sure how I came by this concept, it seems I have always been driven to make improvements in my personal life and in my self. I remember someone once commented to me in my early twenties how surprised they were at my willingness to turn over every rock in an effort to find something better for myself. I am in no way shape or form making a statement of superiority, at least it doesn't feel that way to me, although I can understand how it could be perceived as such. I just want to be happy and I have committed to myself to continue on this journey of being true to me and my ever changing ways.

I love growing and feeling ALIVE!!!!!

It has definitely been a work in progress. I am constantly reading self help books and books about communication and understanding other people in their motives. I have a great deal of growth ahead of me, but I do feel like I am growing. It seems like I am always saying I am truer to myself now than I used to be, but it is always true. I wonder if there is ever a point when one is truly self actualized? Maybe in the spiritual realm,....

Anyway, regarding relationships, even with yourself, be honest about what you want and DO NOT SETTLE! Life is for living, loving and laughing. It is all there for you to have. All you have to do is reach for something that feels better, hold on to that feeling of better and attract more of the better feeling things and grow, grow, grow, and just keep on growing!!! It feels amazing to live, love and laugh!

Happiness is worth the risk!

Attitude of gratitude

I have been sitting here trying to write about being Thankful in honor of Thanksgiving day and I have started many times and rewrote and rewrote, because it just didn't seem quite right. I wanted to write something that would reflect the things that have happened in my life over the last year or more, but I couldn't decide what should be mentioned first. I didn't want for one of the things I was thankful for to seem more appreciated by being mentioned first, but how could I list all the things I was grateful for, all at one time, so that one would not seem more important than the next.

Wait a minute,...

I just heard a little voice say, the things you appreciate don't care how you list them, they are not attached to your perception of them. Acceptance does not care if you list it after progress and love does not care if you list it after growth.

That being said, I just want to express my gratitude for all of my family and friends. I am a people person.

Happy Thanksgiving and love to all my peeps!!!

Don't make me puke!!!

Relationships can be difficult at times, but I believe if you are willing to face your challenges and take an honest look at yourself and your part in those difficult times that they could turn into growth.

I consider myself pretty damn lucky in the relationship department. Keri and I do have our challenges and our differences, but we put a great deal of effort into our relationship. We talk about our feelings and believe me it is uncomfortable sometimes. We make compromises for each other and we have disagreements. It just seems like when we have these uncomfortable discussions, as hard as it is sometimes, it just improves our relationship.

Sometimes what I am feeling has absolutely nothing to do with what she is doing or vice versa. Talking it all out just helps bring clarity and we have been at this relationship thing for a long time now, but I really do believe that she is beginning to see that I am right.

No, seriously! I am right! BUT she is right too. That's the wonderful thing about this, I am right for me and she is right for her. Nope, that wasn't a typo what I mean is, my ideas about what is right, are right for me and her ideas about what is right, are right for her. As we discuss how we feel we are learning to allow each others rightness simply to be the rightness for each other.

What is right for her doesn't make what is right for me wrong, it just means it is wrong for her. And just because we have a difference in opinion over things, does not mean we are growing apart it means we are growing together. We are strong enough and confident enough in our relationship that we allow each other to be true to ourselves, so that we can be the best of ourselves for each other.

Damn! That's so fucking sweet, even I want to puke!

However, the other morning as we were dancing around the kitchen, unloading our groceries and singing along with Dorothy Moore to Misty Blue, this feeling came over me that I can only describe as, that moment in our lives could be right out of a movie. It was kinda dreamy. Relationships can be truly amazing at times, and I believe if you are willing to take an honest look at your relationship you would find lots of things that would fill your heart with gratitude, even if the thought of it would make your friends puke.

And if not, it's time to move on or start having some uncomfortable conversations.